Andy and I go to the adoption panel in just 15 days time. After over 3 years of trawling through adoption processes and waiting around between trawling through processses, we will finally know whether we can become parents, in just 15 days time.
The report, detailing more about us than we know about ourselves, is finished and has gone to the panel members. We've seen the second opinion social worker. There really is nothing left to do until the 5th January.
Doing Christmas. Trying not to think about it too much....
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
A Date for Panel!!!!
I am excited! We finally have a date for going to the adoption panel. It's the 5th January.
This is when we find out whether we are approved as adoptive parents or not.
I'm not quite holding out for the 5th being the moment we get an absolute final decision, because nothing in this process is guaranteed or simple. However, whatever happens, it is a really significant step along the way.
We also have another social worker coming to see us at some point in the next couple of weeks to do a 'second opinion' visit. I was a bit worried about this, but apparently it's normal procedure.
This is when we find out whether we are approved as adoptive parents or not.
I'm not quite holding out for the 5th being the moment we get an absolute final decision, because nothing in this process is guaranteed or simple. However, whatever happens, it is a really significant step along the way.
We also have another social worker coming to see us at some point in the next couple of weeks to do a 'second opinion' visit. I was a bit worried about this, but apparently it's normal procedure.
Monday, 25 October 2010
The last of the Referees....
Well, the social worker saw the last of our referees this morning. I chatted to one of them afterwards. She seemed to think that the conversation went really well. Which is encouraging. The social worker asked at the end if she had any questions and she said the one thing she thought I would want to know was 'When?'
Honestly. I really haven't primed all our referees to nag the social worker about how long this is all taking!! Our friends obviously feel for us, having walked with us these three years, and it seems that the moment they get the opportunity to talk the social worker, they find a way of slipping it in.
Anyway. Chris apparently said that she is aiming for us to go to panel in November, be approved by Christmas and begin looking at kids in the New Year.
Meanwhile, Andy and I are just getting our heads round the fact that there just might be an end to this process and we just might end up being parents at the end of it. We spent the day continuing our work on sorting the house out. We are still working on moving my office to the box room, to leave another large bedroom free. We thought it would be a simple task, but it's a very small room that faces into the sun, so when we put my computer in it, I discovered that there was nowhere in the room, where I could actually see the screen, due to the glare from the sunlight. Even shutting the curtain (which is quite a pale colour) didn't make any difference. So we had to go out and buy a blind. Blind is now fitted, but it took much longer than we expected to not get very far.
My computer and desk are now in the new room, which is an oasis of calm and order, because all the 'stuff' is still in the large room! I quite like it like this.... Who needs paperwork anyway? It looks like the kind of office you'd see in a show home. A computer, a desk and just a couple of token items on the shelves. I have somewhere to work tomorrow, which is the main thing.
Honestly. I really haven't primed all our referees to nag the social worker about how long this is all taking!! Our friends obviously feel for us, having walked with us these three years, and it seems that the moment they get the opportunity to talk the social worker, they find a way of slipping it in.
Anyway. Chris apparently said that she is aiming for us to go to panel in November, be approved by Christmas and begin looking at kids in the New Year.
Meanwhile, Andy and I are just getting our heads round the fact that there just might be an end to this process and we just might end up being parents at the end of it. We spent the day continuing our work on sorting the house out. We are still working on moving my office to the box room, to leave another large bedroom free. We thought it would be a simple task, but it's a very small room that faces into the sun, so when we put my computer in it, I discovered that there was nowhere in the room, where I could actually see the screen, due to the glare from the sunlight. Even shutting the curtain (which is quite a pale colour) didn't make any difference. So we had to go out and buy a blind. Blind is now fitted, but it took much longer than we expected to not get very far.
My computer and desk are now in the new room, which is an oasis of calm and order, because all the 'stuff' is still in the large room! I quite like it like this.... Who needs paperwork anyway? It looks like the kind of office you'd see in a show home. A computer, a desk and just a couple of token items on the shelves. I have somewhere to work tomorrow, which is the main thing.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Referees
Chris, the social worker, saw our second family referees today. They have come to visit for a few days from the Isle of Wight. Andy's sister and brother in law. And the nieces (Hooray!!).
She saw our friend Linda last week and is seeing our other 'friend' referees on Monday.
We are very fond of our nieces. Even though we don't see them that often. They are quite grown up now. 19 and 16. They were very young when Andy and I met and it has been great to see them growing up. They still remember the time we had a water pistol fight with them in the car park at a cinema. Then there was the evening we followed dinner with about an hour of kitchen science experiments. (You know the sort of thing. Making a battery from an orange. Blowing up balloons with bicarb and vinegar). It's great to see them. Andy is cooking dinner with one of them just now. I am escaping for 10 minutes. Long day at work. Needing to introvert briefly.
Our brother in law, bless him, quizzed the social worker about timescales etc. She says that 'if she had her way' we would be going to panel in November and it would be 'completed' by December. But sshhhh. Apparently he wasn't meant to tell us that. So don't snitch. I'm not sure what 'completed' means. I think it probably means 'approved'.
Off to be sociable and see what the chefs have produced!
She saw our friend Linda last week and is seeing our other 'friend' referees on Monday.
We are very fond of our nieces. Even though we don't see them that often. They are quite grown up now. 19 and 16. They were very young when Andy and I met and it has been great to see them growing up. They still remember the time we had a water pistol fight with them in the car park at a cinema. Then there was the evening we followed dinner with about an hour of kitchen science experiments. (You know the sort of thing. Making a battery from an orange. Blowing up balloons with bicarb and vinegar). It's great to see them. Andy is cooking dinner with one of them just now. I am escaping for 10 minutes. Long day at work. Needing to introvert briefly.
Our brother in law, bless him, quizzed the social worker about timescales etc. She says that 'if she had her way' we would be going to panel in November and it would be 'completed' by December. But sshhhh. Apparently he wasn't meant to tell us that. So don't snitch. I'm not sure what 'completed' means. I think it probably means 'approved'.
Off to be sociable and see what the chefs have produced!
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Waiting but not ready.....
This week has given me pause for thought. We have now been engaged in this 'adoption' process for 3 years. You might think, that after all that time, we would be the ready potential parents on the planet.
Actually, I think the opposite is true.
I have noticed, this week, that there has been a sort of split personalilty thing going on.
Part of me has been working through the process stuff reasonably efficiently. In order to cope with the uncertainty of the whole thing, however, I have completely shut my mind and emotions off from the prospect of becoming a parent. There is a certain amount of warped, emotional logic which thinks (wrongly) that by not thinking about it, I will be more able to cope with the disappointment if we are turned down.
Naively, I thought that we would have no choice but to prepare ourselves, because of the assessment process. I thought the assessment visits would really help us to think and prepare. Actually, they've done nothing of the sort. It has just been about furnishing social services with a whole heap of information. Useful for them, obviously, but not for us.
So here we are. Three years after starting this process, and I feel less ready to become a parent now than I did when we started.
This is where pregnancy has the edge over adoption. When you get pregnant, there is a definite timescale. Barring miscarriages etc, you will be a parent 9 months later. There is no getting away from it. At some point in that 9 months you have to get ready. With adoption, you just don't know. We might be parents in 4 months time. We might never be parents. We might begin introductions in 10 months time. Or two years. Or six months. It really is anybody's guess.
And that is a lot lot harder to deal with than I ever could have guessed it would be.
Actually, I think the opposite is true.
I have noticed, this week, that there has been a sort of split personalilty thing going on.
Part of me has been working through the process stuff reasonably efficiently. In order to cope with the uncertainty of the whole thing, however, I have completely shut my mind and emotions off from the prospect of becoming a parent. There is a certain amount of warped, emotional logic which thinks (wrongly) that by not thinking about it, I will be more able to cope with the disappointment if we are turned down.
Naively, I thought that we would have no choice but to prepare ourselves, because of the assessment process. I thought the assessment visits would really help us to think and prepare. Actually, they've done nothing of the sort. It has just been about furnishing social services with a whole heap of information. Useful for them, obviously, but not for us.
So here we are. Three years after starting this process, and I feel less ready to become a parent now than I did when we started.
This is where pregnancy has the edge over adoption. When you get pregnant, there is a definite timescale. Barring miscarriages etc, you will be a parent 9 months later. There is no getting away from it. At some point in that 9 months you have to get ready. With adoption, you just don't know. We might be parents in 4 months time. We might never be parents. We might begin introductions in 10 months time. Or two years. Or six months. It really is anybody's guess.
And that is a lot lot harder to deal with than I ever could have guessed it would be.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
The Eye of Sauron
My husband has an eye infection - for the 2nd (or is it 3rd) time in as many months. He says he thinks it looks like the Eye of Sauron. I think he has a point. He was taking photos of it this morning to put on Facebook. Presumably to garner sympathy for his plight. The pictures are horrible enough to have our more extreme Christian friends and acquaintances casting things out...
Meanwhile, my emotions are all over the place. I was very calm and serene this morning. Logically believing that life will be good, whatever the adoption panel say (if we ever get to meet them, that is...). That life will be good, whether we have children or not.
Just been to take a parcel round to the neighbours over the road. Their two daughters (five and three) gave me a private viewing of their latest artworks, a tour of the tree house in the garden and a display of their trampolining skills.
And I am undone....
Meanwhile, my emotions are all over the place. I was very calm and serene this morning. Logically believing that life will be good, whatever the adoption panel say (if we ever get to meet them, that is...). That life will be good, whether we have children or not.
Just been to take a parcel round to the neighbours over the road. Their two daughters (five and three) gave me a private viewing of their latest artworks, a tour of the tree house in the garden and a display of their trampolining skills.
And I am undone....
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Money Money Money.....
Apparently we don't have enough of it. Or might not have enough of it securely enough to satisfy the adoption panel.
They probably have a point. To an extent. We don't want to be in a financial pickle whilst taking care of potentially vulnerable children. But that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
We met with our social worker on Monday to look at our financial assessment. Her main concern is that Andy is not earning and my income, whilst potentially substantial, is not secure. It would be better, from their perspective, if Andy was in a full time, permanent job.
I've been thinking much more about how we make sure we can be around enough to provide children with the support they might need. My work can be quite flexible. If Andy could get some part time, flexible work, that would seem perfect.
Apparently income is much more important than outgoings. I asked her how much money people are usually earning when they adopt. What would she be looking for? She said, about what we were earning before Andy was out of work.
Interestingly, at that point, our income was around £16,000 above the average family income before tax, in the UK. It is now probably just below the average. But not by much.
So how do all those families on average or below average incomes, with kids, manage? Can you really not adopt if you're poor?
The plan is for her to put the figures in her paperwork for the panel and just see what they say. But she evidently wasn't feeling confident at all about the information we were giving her.
Anyway. It was all rather depressing.
My logical, rational approach was to sit in a corner and eat brie and drink beer.
Apparently we're aiming for panel in November or December.
They probably have a point. To an extent. We don't want to be in a financial pickle whilst taking care of potentially vulnerable children. But that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
We met with our social worker on Monday to look at our financial assessment. Her main concern is that Andy is not earning and my income, whilst potentially substantial, is not secure. It would be better, from their perspective, if Andy was in a full time, permanent job.
I've been thinking much more about how we make sure we can be around enough to provide children with the support they might need. My work can be quite flexible. If Andy could get some part time, flexible work, that would seem perfect.
Apparently income is much more important than outgoings. I asked her how much money people are usually earning when they adopt. What would she be looking for? She said, about what we were earning before Andy was out of work.
Interestingly, at that point, our income was around £16,000 above the average family income before tax, in the UK. It is now probably just below the average. But not by much.
So how do all those families on average or below average incomes, with kids, manage? Can you really not adopt if you're poor?
The plan is for her to put the figures in her paperwork for the panel and just see what they say. But she evidently wasn't feeling confident at all about the information we were giving her.
Anyway. It was all rather depressing.
My logical, rational approach was to sit in a corner and eat brie and drink beer.
Apparently we're aiming for panel in November or December.
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Still broody....
Took my sister to a cafe today. Woman sitting near us, out with some friends and her three utterly lovely daughters. Probably aged between 6 and 12. She obviously loved being a Mum and had a very good relationship with her girls.
Thought I was going to cry. Hid behind my newspaper and regained some composure.
Emotions are very funny things. Haven't felt like this since we were in Africa last year and I was surrounded by mozambiquan orphans calling me 'Mama Caterina' and fellow visitors from the UK in their early 20's referring to Andy and I as 'parent figures'. The orphans were endearing (when they weren't on the scrounge). The twenty year olds wanting to call us Mum and Dad was just plain scary.
This particular wave of sadness has caught me completely by surprise. Really genuinely thought I was over all that.
It'll pass. There are worse things in life. Like the state of my kitchen. My sister likes Chinese food, so we've been cooking Chinese tonight. The kitchen looks as if something very dark and terrible has occurred in it. The problem is that my darling husband does not believe that it is possible to have a chinese meal that doesn't involve creating a banquet. This was meant to be simple, but it was inevitably preceeded by a trip to the local chinese supermarket and perusal of the recipe books. Then Andy gets excited by all the possibilities. I like this exuberance and energy and enthusiasm, but it don't half make a mess of the kitchen.
We didn't cook nearly as much as the last time, but we did have prawn crackers, pork dumplings, spare ribs and spring rolls for starters. Followed by pad thai noodles, egg fried rice, scallops with ginger and creme fraiche (not really Chinese, but very nice), and beef with orange and ginger. There was meant to be pork and cashew nut stir fry, but we really couldn't eat any more.
Asked my sister what she liked best. The spring rolls and the egg fried rice. Will bear this in mind for future occasions. Spring rolls and egg fried rice sounds wonderfully simple! She liked making the dumplings though.
Going to bed now. Will sort the kitchen in the morning. Think a small thermo-nuclear device might just do the trick...
Thought I was going to cry. Hid behind my newspaper and regained some composure.
Emotions are very funny things. Haven't felt like this since we were in Africa last year and I was surrounded by mozambiquan orphans calling me 'Mama Caterina' and fellow visitors from the UK in their early 20's referring to Andy and I as 'parent figures'. The orphans were endearing (when they weren't on the scrounge). The twenty year olds wanting to call us Mum and Dad was just plain scary.
This particular wave of sadness has caught me completely by surprise. Really genuinely thought I was over all that.
It'll pass. There are worse things in life. Like the state of my kitchen. My sister likes Chinese food, so we've been cooking Chinese tonight. The kitchen looks as if something very dark and terrible has occurred in it. The problem is that my darling husband does not believe that it is possible to have a chinese meal that doesn't involve creating a banquet. This was meant to be simple, but it was inevitably preceeded by a trip to the local chinese supermarket and perusal of the recipe books. Then Andy gets excited by all the possibilities. I like this exuberance and energy and enthusiasm, but it don't half make a mess of the kitchen.
We didn't cook nearly as much as the last time, but we did have prawn crackers, pork dumplings, spare ribs and spring rolls for starters. Followed by pad thai noodles, egg fried rice, scallops with ginger and creme fraiche (not really Chinese, but very nice), and beef with orange and ginger. There was meant to be pork and cashew nut stir fry, but we really couldn't eat any more.
Asked my sister what she liked best. The spring rolls and the egg fried rice. Will bear this in mind for future occasions. Spring rolls and egg fried rice sounds wonderfully simple! She liked making the dumplings though.
Going to bed now. Will sort the kitchen in the morning. Think a small thermo-nuclear device might just do the trick...
Friday, 17 September 2010
BORED now!
Well. My few weeks of contentment at things going slowly seems to have evaporated this evening. Evaporation probably caused by a 'girlie' evening with friends who have got kids / know someone who has adopted etc etc. And by the fact there doesn't seem to be any sign at all of our social worker arranging to see the rest of our referees.
What's really frustrating is that Andy and I have both got time to devote to children at the moment. This would have been an ideal moment to be doing introductions etc. But no.
I've not been frustrated for ages. But I'm frustrated today.
I've not been broody for ages, but I've been broody today.
The being broody I blame on my mother. She had been out to buy a present for someone who has recently had a child. And she'd bought the coolest, cutest little outfit for the young man. And was having a slightly gooey maternal moment herself. I think it's catching.
Telling myself that parenting will be much more about attachment issues than cute outfits. But I can tell I'm not listening.
BORED with being patient and waiting.
What's really frustrating is that Andy and I have both got time to devote to children at the moment. This would have been an ideal moment to be doing introductions etc. But no.
I've not been frustrated for ages. But I'm frustrated today.
I've not been broody for ages, but I've been broody today.
The being broody I blame on my mother. She had been out to buy a present for someone who has recently had a child. And she'd bought the coolest, cutest little outfit for the young man. And was having a slightly gooey maternal moment herself. I think it's catching.
Telling myself that parenting will be much more about attachment issues than cute outfits. But I can tell I'm not listening.
BORED with being patient and waiting.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Finance form
As of this week, my husband is out of work. The adoption service has been waiting for a financial assessment form from us. We did it this weekend, putting Andy as the main carer and me as the wage earner.
To be honest, I was procrastinating a bit, because I couldn't imagine how we could prove financial stability with just me working. But actually, on paper at least, it looks perfectly possible.
This is good news!
the financial form was typically thorough. They wanted to know everything from how much we spend on groceries each week and what the electricity bill is, to how much we spend on 'beauty treatments' and toiletries. I've never bought a beauty treatment in my life, unless you count hair cuts!!
We went to a party at the weekend and saw an adoption friend and her kids. She was telling us that our authority has got a bit of a glut of kids at the moment and is contacting previous adopters to see if they'd like to apply again for more children. Which sounds sort of hopeful. Don't think our social worker has seen any more of our referees, however.
To be honest, I'm not feeling in any desperate rush. Content for things to happen in their own time. Can't be bothered getting impatient. Played that game before. Actually think Andy is keener than me for things to get moving at the moment
To be honest, I was procrastinating a bit, because I couldn't imagine how we could prove financial stability with just me working. But actually, on paper at least, it looks perfectly possible.
This is good news!
the financial form was typically thorough. They wanted to know everything from how much we spend on groceries each week and what the electricity bill is, to how much we spend on 'beauty treatments' and toiletries. I've never bought a beauty treatment in my life, unless you count hair cuts!!
We went to a party at the weekend and saw an adoption friend and her kids. She was telling us that our authority has got a bit of a glut of kids at the moment and is contacting previous adopters to see if they'd like to apply again for more children. Which sounds sort of hopeful. Don't think our social worker has seen any more of our referees, however.
To be honest, I'm not feeling in any desperate rush. Content for things to happen in their own time. Can't be bothered getting impatient. Played that game before. Actually think Andy is keener than me for things to get moving at the moment
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Posters
I've wanted some posters / postcards to advertise Church Without Walls for ages. Having a stand at Gay Pride the other week, got us galvanised. Andy and I and a couple of others spent some time together having dinner, praying and designing. We had great fun and I'm really chuffed with the result. We made several posters. These 2 are my favourites. Thought you might enjoy them too.
We've got them as posters and postcards. Quite a few people at Pride took the 'cake' postcards just because they liked the picture!
We've got them as posters and postcards. Quite a few people at Pride took the 'cake' postcards just because they liked the picture!
Meet the parents
My parents came up a couple of weekends ago to meet with the social worker. She was due to arrive at 10am. The Plan, in my head, was for us all to have had breakfast before she arrived, and then for me and Andy to disappear out for a couple of hours, possibly with my sister, so they could talk.
I needed to disappear for a couple of hours, because Church Without Walls was having a stand at the local Gay Pride event. Which was all a bit last minute. But I thought it was an opportunity not to be missed. They didn't have any stands left, but were very happy to find us a table in a corner if we pitched up in the morning and went and spoke to the guy called, who was co-ordinating it. Could have left it to someone else, but I was the only person who'd met Andy the Co-Ordinator and actually knew what he looked like. Not a problem, I thought, we need to be out of the house anyway. So having an errand to run is not going to be an issue.
It was really great to see my parents. I have found, over the years, that the best time to have a good conversation with my Dad, is late at night, after a couple of beers, over a glass of whiskey. So Andy and I went to the pub with Dad on Friday night. By the time we'd got home, and sat and chatted over a couple of glasses of scotch (I do like a single malt....) it was fairly late. I surrendered and crawled into bed at 2am. Andy and Dad were still chatting when I retired.
The best time to chat to Mum, however, is early in the morning, over a coffee or tea, preferably before everyone else is up and the house is quiet. So I got up reasonably early on Saturday and we were having a really good conversation, sun shining through the window, cup of coffee, quiet house, when I looked at my watch and realised it was ten past nine.
This is a bit of an error as the only person in the house who is dressed, is my mother. I'm up and drinking coffee but still in my dressing gown. Everyone else is asleep. Social worker arriving in 50 minutes. No one has had breakfast.
We make tea for the sleeping people and I cook breakfast. 20 minutes to 10, breakfast is cooked. Everyone is dressed and ready to eat and we've achieved this miracle quite calmly really. I'm in my dressing gown, but I have 20 minutes to shower and change. Everyone else can eat. I'll get ready and breakfast in a minute. All under control.
19 minutes to 10 the social worker arrives.
I could have disappeared and got someone else to let her in. But to be honest, I thought that having spent something in excess of 20 hours with us, finding out things that even some of my best friends don't know, seeing me in a dressing gown wasn't that much of an issue. So I cheerily answered the door, congratulated her on her punctuality and invited her to join us for breakfast while I went and changed.
Bizarrely, the social worker didn't seem to be entirely comfortable with being with my family at the breakfast table. She protested loudly at the suggestion, and then managed about 10 minutes of polite conversation, with her chair pushed as far away from the table as she could manage, before saying "I'm going to leave you in peace to eat your breakfast. I'll go and sit in the living room." Really odd. I wonder if we broke some kind of social work protocol by inviting her to come sit with us? I thought that seeing us with our family over a meal would have been quite informative. Even, dare I say it, pleasant. In fact, given that hospitality is such a key part of our lives, to go through the whole process without being with us over a meal, almost feels to me like she hasn't really met us. So we finished breakfast while she sat all by herself in the lounge. Completely flummoxed me. I actually felt quite hurt that she didn't want to sit with us. I'm sure she was keen to do the most appropriate thing, but it still felt odd.
Andy's job situation has changed (he will be out of work by the end of this month), so he wanted to tell Chris (the social worker). He went and spoke to her, (private audience in the lounge) and said she would speak to him (and possibly me) after she'd chatted with my parents, so could we hang around. She'd only need half an hour with my folks.
Large spanner in the works. I have Church Without Walls person to take to Gay Pride event before 12 to meet Andy the Co-Ordinator to get our stall set up. And be in the house to talk to social worker. Who has never needed less than 2 hours on any previous occasion, but might or might not be finished with my parents in 30 minutes. In the end, I decided the best thing to do was to go and run my errand anyway. I took my mobile phone and left Andy with the information that I would be back very soon, and only 20 minutes away. If Chris needed me to be there, I'd come straight home.
Turned out to be a good decision. The event was in a large local park and it was not at all easy to work out who was in charge and where to go for information. The fact that I recognised Andy the Co-Ordinator, made the whole thing very easy. Introduced Church Without Walls person to Andy the Co-Ordinator, found out where our table would be and then left them to it with the words "I need to get home to talk to a social worker."
Chris had gone by the time I got back. So obviously she didn't really need to talk to both of us. Her suggestion is that we write them a financial assessment that names Andy as the main carer and me as the wage earner. Now we just need to work out the figures....
I needed to disappear for a couple of hours, because Church Without Walls was having a stand at the local Gay Pride event. Which was all a bit last minute. But I thought it was an opportunity not to be missed. They didn't have any stands left, but were very happy to find us a table in a corner if we pitched up in the morning and went and spoke to the guy called, who was co-ordinating it. Could have left it to someone else, but I was the only person who'd met Andy the Co-Ordinator and actually knew what he looked like. Not a problem, I thought, we need to be out of the house anyway. So having an errand to run is not going to be an issue.
It was really great to see my parents. I have found, over the years, that the best time to have a good conversation with my Dad, is late at night, after a couple of beers, over a glass of whiskey. So Andy and I went to the pub with Dad on Friday night. By the time we'd got home, and sat and chatted over a couple of glasses of scotch (I do like a single malt....) it was fairly late. I surrendered and crawled into bed at 2am. Andy and Dad were still chatting when I retired.
The best time to chat to Mum, however, is early in the morning, over a coffee or tea, preferably before everyone else is up and the house is quiet. So I got up reasonably early on Saturday and we were having a really good conversation, sun shining through the window, cup of coffee, quiet house, when I looked at my watch and realised it was ten past nine.
This is a bit of an error as the only person in the house who is dressed, is my mother. I'm up and drinking coffee but still in my dressing gown. Everyone else is asleep. Social worker arriving in 50 minutes. No one has had breakfast.
We make tea for the sleeping people and I cook breakfast. 20 minutes to 10, breakfast is cooked. Everyone is dressed and ready to eat and we've achieved this miracle quite calmly really. I'm in my dressing gown, but I have 20 minutes to shower and change. Everyone else can eat. I'll get ready and breakfast in a minute. All under control.
19 minutes to 10 the social worker arrives.
I could have disappeared and got someone else to let her in. But to be honest, I thought that having spent something in excess of 20 hours with us, finding out things that even some of my best friends don't know, seeing me in a dressing gown wasn't that much of an issue. So I cheerily answered the door, congratulated her on her punctuality and invited her to join us for breakfast while I went and changed.
Bizarrely, the social worker didn't seem to be entirely comfortable with being with my family at the breakfast table. She protested loudly at the suggestion, and then managed about 10 minutes of polite conversation, with her chair pushed as far away from the table as she could manage, before saying "I'm going to leave you in peace to eat your breakfast. I'll go and sit in the living room." Really odd. I wonder if we broke some kind of social work protocol by inviting her to come sit with us? I thought that seeing us with our family over a meal would have been quite informative. Even, dare I say it, pleasant. In fact, given that hospitality is such a key part of our lives, to go through the whole process without being with us over a meal, almost feels to me like she hasn't really met us. So we finished breakfast while she sat all by herself in the lounge. Completely flummoxed me. I actually felt quite hurt that she didn't want to sit with us. I'm sure she was keen to do the most appropriate thing, but it still felt odd.
Andy's job situation has changed (he will be out of work by the end of this month), so he wanted to tell Chris (the social worker). He went and spoke to her, (private audience in the lounge) and said she would speak to him (and possibly me) after she'd chatted with my parents, so could we hang around. She'd only need half an hour with my folks.
Large spanner in the works. I have Church Without Walls person to take to Gay Pride event before 12 to meet Andy the Co-Ordinator to get our stall set up. And be in the house to talk to social worker. Who has never needed less than 2 hours on any previous occasion, but might or might not be finished with my parents in 30 minutes. In the end, I decided the best thing to do was to go and run my errand anyway. I took my mobile phone and left Andy with the information that I would be back very soon, and only 20 minutes away. If Chris needed me to be there, I'd come straight home.
Turned out to be a good decision. The event was in a large local park and it was not at all easy to work out who was in charge and where to go for information. The fact that I recognised Andy the Co-Ordinator, made the whole thing very easy. Introduced Church Without Walls person to Andy the Co-Ordinator, found out where our table would be and then left them to it with the words "I need to get home to talk to a social worker."
Chris had gone by the time I got back. So obviously she didn't really need to talk to both of us. Her suggestion is that we write them a financial assessment that names Andy as the main carer and me as the wage earner. Now we just need to work out the figures....
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Child profiling evening
On Wednesday, Andy and I went to a child profiling evening. I'd been looking forward to it for ages because it was going to be our first opportunity to find out about actual children, in our local authority area, looking for parents.
In some ways, it was a bit of damp squib.
There was film footage of maybe half a dozen kids who the authority is trying to place. And collages about the children around the room, full of glitter paint and pictures of Thomas the Tank Engine and Peppa Pig. But not a great deal of information. The social workers of the children were there to quiz afterwards. But without the information in the first place, it was difficult to know who you'd want to know about. The DVD didn't even tell us how old they were in most cases.
For me, seeing footage of a child jumping on a trampoline and eating biscuits, in the absence of much information about them, didn't really help. And knowing that a young lad likes Thomas the Tank Engine doesn't separate him from the rest of the male pre-school population of Britain. My analytical and slightly cynical mind was trying to work out how old the kids were and what was making them difficult enough to place that they'd ended up being featured at the profiling evening. I spotted a language delay or two, a severe speech disorder, a very odd gait and an obsessiveness with tidiness that could have indicated autistic spectrum disorder or possibly emotional difficulties.
I think the intention was to shower us with cuteness that would hit the maternal "Aaaaah!" button. Didn't work for me. I think I'm just very aware that a moment of cuteness is not going to carry us through twenty or thirty years of being parents and so didn't want to let my guard down. That's not to say I don't have an 'Aaaaaah' button. It's working very effectively at the moment and kicks into action at almost every opportunity. Had a meeting in a cafe yesterday in some gardens and was constantly distracted by children playing in the grass and little girls giggling and running along hand in hand.
To be honest, none of the children hit the profile we've been thinking of. There was one sibling group, but a little bit younger than we were thinking.
So. And this is the exciting bit. We asked the social work manager who was there, if they currently have other sibling groups waiting, perhaps a bit older. She immediately knew who we were and her eyes lit up and she said that she'd been talking to Chris, our social worker. There are older sibling groups and Chris is already thinking about some children who might be suitable.
How exciting!!!
How terrifying...
In some ways, it was a bit of damp squib.
There was film footage of maybe half a dozen kids who the authority is trying to place. And collages about the children around the room, full of glitter paint and pictures of Thomas the Tank Engine and Peppa Pig. But not a great deal of information. The social workers of the children were there to quiz afterwards. But without the information in the first place, it was difficult to know who you'd want to know about. The DVD didn't even tell us how old they were in most cases.
For me, seeing footage of a child jumping on a trampoline and eating biscuits, in the absence of much information about them, didn't really help. And knowing that a young lad likes Thomas the Tank Engine doesn't separate him from the rest of the male pre-school population of Britain. My analytical and slightly cynical mind was trying to work out how old the kids were and what was making them difficult enough to place that they'd ended up being featured at the profiling evening. I spotted a language delay or two, a severe speech disorder, a very odd gait and an obsessiveness with tidiness that could have indicated autistic spectrum disorder or possibly emotional difficulties.
I think the intention was to shower us with cuteness that would hit the maternal "Aaaaah!" button. Didn't work for me. I think I'm just very aware that a moment of cuteness is not going to carry us through twenty or thirty years of being parents and so didn't want to let my guard down. That's not to say I don't have an 'Aaaaaah' button. It's working very effectively at the moment and kicks into action at almost every opportunity. Had a meeting in a cafe yesterday in some gardens and was constantly distracted by children playing in the grass and little girls giggling and running along hand in hand.
To be honest, none of the children hit the profile we've been thinking of. There was one sibling group, but a little bit younger than we were thinking.
So. And this is the exciting bit. We asked the social work manager who was there, if they currently have other sibling groups waiting, perhaps a bit older. She immediately knew who we were and her eyes lit up and she said that she'd been talking to Chris, our social worker. There are older sibling groups and Chris is already thinking about some children who might be suitable.
How exciting!!!
How terrifying...
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Getting in the scene
Now we're actually doing the assessment and might even go to panel at some point this year, I've started to communicate / meet up with local parents who have / are adopting. Even joined a facebook group.
We had lunch with a local adoptive Mum and her rather wonderful 3 year old daughter on Friday. It was great.
We had lunch with a local adoptive Mum and her rather wonderful 3 year old daughter on Friday. It was great.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Fire Safety - a cautionary tale.
There has been a smoke alarm beeping in our house for weeks now. It's been a fairly gentle, ignorable beep, but a beep all the same. More conscientious house owners would have sorted it out ages ago. But the offending smoke alarm (one which is in my office and has been in the house since before we moved in) was not our only defence against dying in our sleep due to smoke inhalation. We had 2 further smoke alarms fitted by the fire brigade more recently. These are state of the art and made to last 10 years. So our ignoring the noise was not quite as irresponsible from a health and safety perspective as it might at first appear.
Andy and I were away last week and returned to discover the offending alarm had stopped beeping gently and was now beeping in an ear-splitting, DO NOT GO TO BED UNTIL YOU HAVE FIXED ME kind of way. Tired from driving, I'm afraid I didn't fetch a ladder and replace the battery. I hit it with a stick. Having dislodged the battery, however, I was appalled to discover that it was still beeping. How could this be? Assistance was summoned from husband, who concluded it must have some kind of secondary power source and unscrewed it from the wall. The wallpaper underneath is from at least 3 decoratings ago. Hardier than we thought. Battery replaced. Beeping continues. Second battery found.
I stand in office and realise beeping is still emanating from inside office. I have a moment of wondering if our house is haunted / possessed by the spirit of the smoke alarm. It really sounds like the noise is coming from the patch of ancient wallpaper. But no. Perhaps it is from the landing. I stand beneath the smoke alarm on the landing ceiling. This is a new one, very recently installed by the fire service. It is definitely beeping. Very loudly. It needs silencing. Funny 10 years, I think.
Husband summoned. Husband agrees this is the offending noise source. Husband disables the alarm, removing a large patch of paint at the same time. He reports it will no longer function unless fixed by soldering.
Noise gone? Surely? No. Noise not gone. We stand beneath the one remaining smoke alarm and listen very, very carefully. Having been fooled twice. The beep is not coming from there. After much careful listening we realise the noise is coming from my office. Eventually we track down an old, abandoned smoke alarm in a box of bits and pieces.
Andy says he will mend and refit the 2 perfectly functional smoke alarms we have wantonly destroyed. Oh well. At least the beeping has stopped and we can sleep tonight...
Andy and I were away last week and returned to discover the offending alarm had stopped beeping gently and was now beeping in an ear-splitting, DO NOT GO TO BED UNTIL YOU HAVE FIXED ME kind of way. Tired from driving, I'm afraid I didn't fetch a ladder and replace the battery. I hit it with a stick. Having dislodged the battery, however, I was appalled to discover that it was still beeping. How could this be? Assistance was summoned from husband, who concluded it must have some kind of secondary power source and unscrewed it from the wall. The wallpaper underneath is from at least 3 decoratings ago. Hardier than we thought. Battery replaced. Beeping continues. Second battery found.
I stand in office and realise beeping is still emanating from inside office. I have a moment of wondering if our house is haunted / possessed by the spirit of the smoke alarm. It really sounds like the noise is coming from the patch of ancient wallpaper. But no. Perhaps it is from the landing. I stand beneath the smoke alarm on the landing ceiling. This is a new one, very recently installed by the fire service. It is definitely beeping. Very loudly. It needs silencing. Funny 10 years, I think.
Husband summoned. Husband agrees this is the offending noise source. Husband disables the alarm, removing a large patch of paint at the same time. He reports it will no longer function unless fixed by soldering.
Noise gone? Surely? No. Noise not gone. We stand beneath the one remaining smoke alarm and listen very, very carefully. Having been fooled twice. The beep is not coming from there. After much careful listening we realise the noise is coming from my office. Eventually we track down an old, abandoned smoke alarm in a box of bits and pieces.
Andy says he will mend and refit the 2 perfectly functional smoke alarms we have wantonly destroyed. Oh well. At least the beeping has stopped and we can sleep tonight...
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Korean body worship
Happened upon this on You Tube. It brings back strong memories of our time in Mozambique last summer.
I have not been a great fan, it has to be said, of 'liturgical dance' (sometimes known as 'inpsirational dance' and done to the accompaniment of worship songs either as performance piece at the front of some churches, or by enthusiastic members of the congregation waving large flags about whilst everyone else is singing slightly more sedately). I'm very happy for people to do it. It's a free country. I'd just rather not join the flag-waving fraternity, thank you very much.
However however however. God / life has a habit of trashing one's pre-conceptions, and when we were at Iris Ministries in Mozambique, there was also a party of Koreans. The Koreans were fabulous people. Fun loving, gentle, humble, generous, beautiful people who were just a joy to be around. Some of them did something called 'Body Worhsip'.
On the face of it, it should not have been anything particularly impressive. It wasn't very exciting. They didn't have many moves. They didn't know that many different routines. But every time they did it, it felt like someone in heaven had accidentally left the door open. There was one notable occasion when we were doing an evangelistic mission type thing to a village where the last team who went had rocks thrown at them. So there we were with the Iris Ministries truck and a crowd of several hundred, possibly a couple of thousand, villagers who had turned up out of curiosity because not much else happens rather than for any other reason. The crowd felt slightly edgy and hostile. Everyone was distractible and talking. Not the ideal audience for liturgical dance.
But the Koreans did their 'Body Worship' and for those minutes the atmosphere changed completely. It was incredibly moving. A hush fell and it was one of the holiest moments I've ever experienced.
So here are some Korean Body Worshippers. This is not an exciting video clip. And it is unlikely to make you want to take up Body Worship. But it brings back precious memories for me.
I have not been a great fan, it has to be said, of 'liturgical dance' (sometimes known as 'inpsirational dance' and done to the accompaniment of worship songs either as performance piece at the front of some churches, or by enthusiastic members of the congregation waving large flags about whilst everyone else is singing slightly more sedately). I'm very happy for people to do it. It's a free country. I'd just rather not join the flag-waving fraternity, thank you very much.
However however however. God / life has a habit of trashing one's pre-conceptions, and when we were at Iris Ministries in Mozambique, there was also a party of Koreans. The Koreans were fabulous people. Fun loving, gentle, humble, generous, beautiful people who were just a joy to be around. Some of them did something called 'Body Worhsip'.
On the face of it, it should not have been anything particularly impressive. It wasn't very exciting. They didn't have many moves. They didn't know that many different routines. But every time they did it, it felt like someone in heaven had accidentally left the door open. There was one notable occasion when we were doing an evangelistic mission type thing to a village where the last team who went had rocks thrown at them. So there we were with the Iris Ministries truck and a crowd of several hundred, possibly a couple of thousand, villagers who had turned up out of curiosity because not much else happens rather than for any other reason. The crowd felt slightly edgy and hostile. Everyone was distractible and talking. Not the ideal audience for liturgical dance.
But the Koreans did their 'Body Worship' and for those minutes the atmosphere changed completely. It was incredibly moving. A hush fell and it was one of the holiest moments I've ever experienced.
So here are some Korean Body Worshippers. This is not an exciting video clip. And it is unlikely to make you want to take up Body Worship. But it brings back precious memories for me.
Our last assessment visit
Andy and I spent three and half hours with Chris, our social worker, this morning. The last of our assessment visits. Sometimes called a 'home study'. It's been quite an interesting journey, this part of the assessment process. And I have really warmed to Chris, who I think has warmed to us also. She is very warm hearted and passionate. And obviously has oodles of experience. Now she has to meet our referees and write up the report.
Today we spent a lot of time talking about what kind of children we would be prepared to take on. It really meant ticking a lot of boxes about the kinds of children we wouldn't be prepared to take on. By which I mean the questions were all about the potential problems kids would come with. So histories of violence, sexual abuse, attachment disorder, learning disability, aspergers syndrome, illness, physical problems, behavioural issues of various kinds.... the list went on.
It's not nice ticking boxes and excluding people on the basis of such things. It took a bit of thinking and reflecting to find a way of approaching the task which felt comfortable. Don't know about Andy, but my thinking was as follows:
- We've got to fill this piece of the form in, however horrid it feels.
- The hard truth is that whoever we parent in the end, means excluding everyone else.
- To do the best job we can, we need to be as honest as possible with ourselves about what we want to do and what we can offer.
- we stand some chance of forming an attachment with and who have a good chance of forming an attachment with us.
- have a good chance of living independent adult lives.
We're hoping for a sibling group of 2 aged between around 3 and 8.
Obviously, I have a deep desire to be a parent. From a sort of 'making a difference' point of view, I want to break the cycle for some kids. Give them a stable, loving base to grow into adulthood from and a good model of what family life can be so that they have a fighting chance of going out and replicating that. I feel really passionately about that.
We have been asked to write something about our faith and about church. And we have a financial assessment form to complete. And then our 'homework' for the moment is almost done. I have to say, the pre-adoption course and the assessment itself have been by far the easiest and most interesting part of the process. It might have been hard if we were very private people but we're not in the slightest.
So. Next thing for us is the profiling event later in July. Oh, and sorting out the house to make space for a family. Bigger job than it sounds, I think!
Saturday, 26 June 2010
English Summer
I do love the English summer. Here are some summer pictures I took the other week in Oxfordshire. English summer in an English village. What could be better?
Feeling hot hot hot!
It's summer! And it's been summer all day! It was summer yesterday as well. And the day before that. I was doing some Speech Therapy locuming in Liverpool Thursday and Friday and someone brought ice lollies into the office for everyone to share. A really nice touch I thought.
Next Thursday is probably our last assessment visit from the social worker. Then she needs to meet with our referees. And the neighbour who shares our fenceless garden. And then I suppose she will write her report.
What is interesting is that at this point, I have no idea at all how long it might be before we become parents. It could conceivably be quite soon. Presuming we get through panel. Though to be honest I really can't see why we wouldn't. We have spent the last couple of years trying not to think too hard about having kids, because there have been so many uncertainties. I have resisted the temptation to buy cute things for future children almost completely.
(This was my one moment of weakness...
I wouldn't normally have succumbed. I don't go into toy shops unless I have someone very specific to buy for. But I was in a furniture shop. One doesn't expect to be ambushed by cute toys in furniture shops. Now I look at him, he's a bit odd really - though very very cuddly... But I digress...)
It is beginning to occur to me, however, that we really ought to start thinking about the practicalities of having children in the house. Although I know of so many people who get approved and then wait for months and months before they get matched. So do we start getting the house ready now? In case it happens soon? What happens if we get matched? Will we get lots of time to prepare or will it all happen really quickly? Will having a pile of sorting out to do, when we are waiting between being matched and starting introductions, be a welcome and exciting distraction, or will we be so busy, we curse the fact we didn't do everything now, when we had time? If we tidy up now and buy furniture and things, will it be time well invested or will I then have children's bedrooms devoid of children to wander in and out of in a morbid fashion for a year and a half while social services insist that they don't have any children to place with us yet?
Questions to ponder in the garden over a glass of cold beer, perhaps.
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Nightchurch - conversations with clubbers
I did Nightchurch last night, so I'm pleasantly tired and feeling justified in slobbing about in my dressing gown doing semi-productive things like blogging and drinking coffee.
Had a really interesting conversation with an atheist who said he thought the most important question to answer is whether there is a God or not and whether there is an after-life. He said he could understand people who think about it and decide there is and he could understand people who, like himself, think about it and decide there isn't. But he really doesn't get that lots of people don't care one way or the other.
Also had a chat with a young woman who works as a stripper. We give out lollipops to people coming past. I'd offered one to her boyfriend. She was telling him not to take it because it was a God lollipop and he might get sucked into religion. I said "You know how you don't get pregnant from snogging?" she said "yeah", I said "Well you don't become a Christian by eating a lollipop". She laughed and said yes but he might get sucked in by our persuasive God talk. I told her that we offer hospitality no strings attached and we don't talk about God unless people want to.
Almost immediately, she began telling me about the Christian school she went to and how she felt that being told a lot about religion when you're young can put you off. I said, "Can I just point out that you are now talking to me about God. I didn't start this conversation. Just so we're clear about this."
"Oh no no, that's OK." she said. "I don't mind starting the conversation. I know all the stories. And the songs"
And now I'm standing in the middle of the street at 1 o'clock in the morning with a stripper who is enthusiastically singing "Shine Jesus Shine" to me. She is dancing and she knows the words. (May the name of Graham Kendrick be blessed...). I think this is hilarious. So do the 3 guys she's with.
"God wouldn't welcome me," she says. "I'd come to him if he would but I'm a stripper and he won't"
"God does welcome you!" I say.
We've been handing out stickers with the Nightchurch logo on and various slogans, such as 'Fancy a brew?', 'Chill out Lounge' and the surprisingly popular 'God Likes Me'. I happened to have some of the latter with me.
"Listen," I say to her "I want to give you this. It says 'God likes me'. And I want you to know that he does like you and he does welcome you." She is delighted with the sticker.
"But I couldn't be me. I couldn't do what I do. Wouldn't I have to stop before..."
"No." I say. "God likes you as you are. And he welcomes you. I tell you what might happen though. When you've been walking with Jesus for a while you might think 'you know what, I think I want to do something different'"
"I tell you what I'd like to do!" she says "I'd like to be a midwife."
We chat a little longer. I say a little prayer for her, asking God to help her fulfil her dreams. We hug and she heads off into the night with the 3 guys.
Her right breast now reads "God Likes Me."
Had a really interesting conversation with an atheist who said he thought the most important question to answer is whether there is a God or not and whether there is an after-life. He said he could understand people who think about it and decide there is and he could understand people who, like himself, think about it and decide there isn't. But he really doesn't get that lots of people don't care one way or the other.
Also had a chat with a young woman who works as a stripper. We give out lollipops to people coming past. I'd offered one to her boyfriend. She was telling him not to take it because it was a God lollipop and he might get sucked into religion. I said "You know how you don't get pregnant from snogging?" she said "yeah", I said "Well you don't become a Christian by eating a lollipop". She laughed and said yes but he might get sucked in by our persuasive God talk. I told her that we offer hospitality no strings attached and we don't talk about God unless people want to.
Almost immediately, she began telling me about the Christian school she went to and how she felt that being told a lot about religion when you're young can put you off. I said, "Can I just point out that you are now talking to me about God. I didn't start this conversation. Just so we're clear about this."
"Oh no no, that's OK." she said. "I don't mind starting the conversation. I know all the stories. And the songs"
And now I'm standing in the middle of the street at 1 o'clock in the morning with a stripper who is enthusiastically singing "Shine Jesus Shine" to me. She is dancing and she knows the words. (May the name of Graham Kendrick be blessed...). I think this is hilarious. So do the 3 guys she's with.
"God wouldn't welcome me," she says. "I'd come to him if he would but I'm a stripper and he won't"
"God does welcome you!" I say.
We've been handing out stickers with the Nightchurch logo on and various slogans, such as 'Fancy a brew?', 'Chill out Lounge' and the surprisingly popular 'God Likes Me'. I happened to have some of the latter with me.
"Listen," I say to her "I want to give you this. It says 'God likes me'. And I want you to know that he does like you and he does welcome you." She is delighted with the sticker.
"But I couldn't be me. I couldn't do what I do. Wouldn't I have to stop before..."
"No." I say. "God likes you as you are. And he welcomes you. I tell you what might happen though. When you've been walking with Jesus for a while you might think 'you know what, I think I want to do something different'"
"I tell you what I'd like to do!" she says "I'd like to be a midwife."
We chat a little longer. I say a little prayer for her, asking God to help her fulfil her dreams. We hug and she heads off into the night with the 3 guys.
Her right breast now reads "God Likes Me."
Enjoying our assessment
I know this isn't what people usually say about the pre-adoption assessment process, but I am actually quite enjoying it. We have finally managed to put to bed the issue of the fence. Which is great! The risk assessments and information about the shared garden will go into the report and we do not have to put up a fence in order to continue with the assessment process. Hooray!
So to the process itself. I know lots of people find it intrusive. And I know that we are being finally judged worthy or not worthy of being parents. But actually it's an opportunity to talk about ourselves and our views for a couple of hours every week or so to someone who is paid to listen and take it seriously. What's not to like? People pay therapists hundreds of pounds for that kind of opportunity!
This week we were talking about our relationship. How we met. What the strengths of our relationship are. We had to say how we view one another so we'd both written short pieces about one another in preparation for the assessment. Which Chris read out. It was all quite romantic and slightly un-British. A bit gushing really. The sorts of things people say in funeral eulogies. (There's a thought. We could keep them. Might save a job for one of us later on...)
We're also going to something called a profiling event next month. We will get to see information about children the local authority is seeking to place with families. I am really looking forward to that. It will be good to find out about real children in our county needing families. And we can express an interest in children we would like to know more about. Although I suspect the fact we've not been approved means it's a bit like when you're looking at houses and you haven't sold yours yet and there are other people interested who have.
On the emotional roller-coaster that is adoption, I am on the flat bit at the top, where the view is marvellous and it's kind of peaceful and you think it might just get exciting some time soon.
So to the process itself. I know lots of people find it intrusive. And I know that we are being finally judged worthy or not worthy of being parents. But actually it's an opportunity to talk about ourselves and our views for a couple of hours every week or so to someone who is paid to listen and take it seriously. What's not to like? People pay therapists hundreds of pounds for that kind of opportunity!
This week we were talking about our relationship. How we met. What the strengths of our relationship are. We had to say how we view one another so we'd both written short pieces about one another in preparation for the assessment. Which Chris read out. It was all quite romantic and slightly un-British. A bit gushing really. The sorts of things people say in funeral eulogies. (There's a thought. We could keep them. Might save a job for one of us later on...)
We're also going to something called a profiling event next month. We will get to see information about children the local authority is seeking to place with families. I am really looking forward to that. It will be good to find out about real children in our county needing families. And we can express an interest in children we would like to know more about. Although I suspect the fact we've not been approved means it's a bit like when you're looking at houses and you haven't sold yours yet and there are other people interested who have.
On the emotional roller-coaster that is adoption, I am on the flat bit at the top, where the view is marvellous and it's kind of peaceful and you think it might just get exciting some time soon.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
chilling out
Had a tranquil day yesterday. My lurgy is finally on the wane and we have some lovely gardens just down the road from us. It's an old estate with a large lake. There was once a House. As in the kind of House you bequeath to the National Trust once the Family Money has been squandered and you can't afford to pay the gardener anymore. That has long since crumbled but the estate and the gardens have been restored.
I've had mixed feelings about this place. When they first began restoring the estate, it was great. You had to pay for the formal gardens, but walking round the lake was free. And there were a few shops in high class wooden huts selling over priced candles and assorted tat that pensioners visited on coach trips.
Then they built more and more wooden huts and merged the lake with the gardens so you had to pay for walking round it and installed a 'Frankie and Benny's' and a travel lodge. And lots more wooden huts selling things you don't need. There was a protest walk just before they atarted charging for walking round the lake, which I attended. And I hadn't been to the gardens for ages, because you have to pay for them. And having been on the protest, it felt a bit hypocritical to do so.
This year, though, I've treated myself to an annual season ticket, with some of my birthday money, and it is a truly lovely place to go. So I went for a wander yesterday. It's a real oasis. Here are some piccies:
I've had mixed feelings about this place. When they first began restoring the estate, it was great. You had to pay for the formal gardens, but walking round the lake was free. And there were a few shops in high class wooden huts selling over priced candles and assorted tat that pensioners visited on coach trips.
Then they built more and more wooden huts and merged the lake with the gardens so you had to pay for walking round it and installed a 'Frankie and Benny's' and a travel lodge. And lots more wooden huts selling things you don't need. There was a protest walk just before they atarted charging for walking round the lake, which I attended. And I hadn't been to the gardens for ages, because you have to pay for them. And having been on the protest, it felt a bit hypocritical to do so.
This year, though, I've treated myself to an annual season ticket, with some of my birthday money, and it is a truly lovely place to go. So I went for a wander yesterday. It's a real oasis. Here are some piccies:
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Fence related news
We have at last heard back from the social worker about the shared garden. The good news is that they seem to have dropped the requirement for us to erect a fence between us and the neighbours. Hooray!!!!
However, we have the following requests from the manager, passed on to us by the social worker:
However, we have the following requests from the manager, passed on to us by the social worker:
I would advise that we undertake the following:-
- Ask Mr & Mrs C to consider installing a higher fence and more secure gate on the canal side (we would need to establish who owns this boundary)
- Interview the neighbours who share the garden to ascertain their views. I note from the references Pat shared they are not included so this will be an extra check for us.
- I would like to know the type of play children engage in within the garden as Mr & Mrs C are confident it hasn’t presented any difficulties in the past
- To compensate for the weaknesses in the garden are there any parks or leisure amenities close by.
We are requested to write something addressing these points, which will go with the Prospective Adopters Report.
Honestly. Whilst I am pleased that we seem to be moving in the direction of common sense, I am somewhat frustrated that we have to produce a document to address a pile of non-issues. The philosophy is evidently that they shouldn't remove one hoop without replacing it with some others.
The fence on the canal side is 6 foot 2 inches. Not sure how much higher they would like it. Have a feeling this isn't the fence he means really - but still.
I am also slightly confused by the request to categorise the 'type' of play that goes on in the garden and somewhat affronted by the suggestion that our garden has 'weaknesses' that need compensating.
I have been battling with a virus for the last 3 weeks and feeling washed out and weary. The thought of producing another document fills me with an overwhelming sense of apathy. Ever been on one of those walks where you're trudging up a hill and the view is not great, because what you can mainly see is the hill, but you can see the top just a few yards in front of you. Except that when you get to the top, it's not actually the top at all. It just looked as if it might be. There is a hill like that on the first leg of the West Highland Way where the whole 'false summit' thing happens about six times. This feels a bit like that really.
But. I shall take a deep breath and write something suitable about local play parks and the types of play engaged in by children in our garden. Types of play??? Any ideas? Does 'running about in a having-fun-sort-of-way' count as a 'type of play' do you think??
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Waiting to hear...about the fence
We are still waiting to hear the verdict of Mr Chief Manager regarding our garden. And whether the dangers of sharing it with the neighbours must be eliminated before we could be entrusted with children. He was going to get back to us a week ago.
In the meantime, a friend put an enquiry about shared gardens on an adoption association discussion board. Someone replied and said that they share a garden and it was never even raised as an issue when they were being assessed. I have copied and pasted this information into an email for the manager today, which also served to remind him that we haven't heard anything.
In the meantime, Bohemian Rhapsody - as it always should have been...
In the meantime, a friend put an enquiry about shared gardens on an adoption association discussion board. Someone replied and said that they share a garden and it was never even raised as an issue when they were being assessed. I have copied and pasted this information into an email for the manager today, which also served to remind him that we haven't heard anything.
In the meantime, Bohemian Rhapsody - as it always should have been...
Saturday, 5 June 2010
To bake or not to bake...
..that is the question.
Church Without Walls is not meeting tomorrow afternoon in our usual churchy sort of way. Instead, we are helping out at a community event. We're running the cafe part, serving tea, coffee and cake.
Usually, I'm good for a couple of home made cakes. This week, however, I have been fighting off a medley of viruses and infections. So am feeling somewhat weary.
So do I bake, or do we just sell the shop bought ones we have?
How lovely to have a life so uncomplicated at this moment and so free of trouble that the only decision to make is whether to bake cakes or not!
Church Without Walls is not meeting tomorrow afternoon in our usual churchy sort of way. Instead, we are helping out at a community event. We're running the cafe part, serving tea, coffee and cake.
Usually, I'm good for a couple of home made cakes. This week, however, I have been fighting off a medley of viruses and infections. So am feeling somewhat weary.
So do I bake, or do we just sell the shop bought ones we have?
How lovely to have a life so uncomplicated at this moment and so free of trouble that the only decision to make is whether to bake cakes or not!
Monday, 31 May 2010
Doughnuts
I made doughnuts yesterday to take to church. I usually take cake of some kind, and we hadn't got loads of stuff in the house, but I reckoned we'd probably got doughnut ingredients, so got a recipe online. Then Andy came and joined me and got excited about the idea of injecting jam into them.
Andy found a syringe but we discovered that jam with fruit in it just clogged it up. Custard, however, was perfect. Hey presto, custard doughnuts for church!
Friday, 28 May 2010
Late night musings
It's been a funny week. I've been fighting a cold all week, and have felt horribly ill for most of it. Managed to get really stressed out last week about the assessment process, and this ridiculous ongoing saga of the alleged unsuitability of our garden. Which is what has contributed to the complete collapse of my immune system (OK - I exaggerate) this week and turned me into a mucus producing, washed out mess.
For anyone new to the saga, we have a lovely big garden which we share with our neighbours. According to our social services department, this poses a huge risk to any potential adopted children and the only way they can currently see of managing this risk is for us to put a fence up. We are now waiting for the verdict of the social services manager, who came to look at the situation earlier this week.
It all feels a bit odd really. By the end of our meeting on Wednesday, I was feeling very sure that the manager who visited was not going to budge on the issue of the fence. And feeling really low about the whole thing. Desperately sad about probably being pushed into dividing up our shared garden.
Since them, I've gathered more information and advice, and written him a somewhat lengthy email which makes it very clear that two different advisors from the best respected adoption organisation in the country would not feel we needed to separate our garden from the neighbours.
I would hate to have to put a fence up. It probably sounds a bit petty really. But the thing is, we love our garden. We burnt the fence on the barbeque, sat in our neighbour's garden, several years ago. And then set about creating a shared space. The result has been an absolute joy. We've had loads of parties in the garden. Lots of children have enjoyed playing in it. The thought of ending the thing we worked so hard to create, saddens me greatly. I hate the idea that our kids would miss out on the garden which has brought so much joy to so many other children (we actually only 'own' a very small portion of the garden - the rest belongs to the neighbour who so kindly shares it with us).
The really frustrating thing is that there is no good reason to put up a fence. We've had advice from independent experts saying that it's not necessary. And we've suggested very workable ways of dealing the potential 'risk'. So if they do decide that they don't want to continue with our assessment in the absence of a fence, it will be in the face of a great deal of evidence and common sense.
From an objective point of view, they really should be expected to come back to us and say they are happy for us to continue with our current arrangement. My experience over the last 2.5 years, however, has been that whenever social services have decided something, they have been completely and utterly immoveable.
So we're waiting. Hoping that for the first time in this process someone changes their mind and adopts a more enlightened approach. And hoping not to be shopping for fences this time next week.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Conversations with BAAF and my Mum
It's great to talk - as British Telecom used to say in their adverts. A couple of sane conversations have helped put me back on an even keel. Hooray!
If you've given them those particular solutions, I can't see why they're being so sticky about it. It seems very odd.
She evidently felt that it was the social workers, and not us, who were being unreasonable. I know we knew that already, but there is nothing like hearing from an expert to make you feel better.
The second sanity breathing conversation was with my Mum. Though she experiences similar infuriating interactions with social services, trying to get services for my sister, who has learning difficulties. It makes me very cross that the people who should be relieving the burden and making her feel helped and supported are a major added cause of stress in the already challenging role of looking after my sister.
I have emailed the manager who visited yesterday with the fairly blunt views of the BAAF advisor to aid him in his deliberations about our garden. We shall see what he comes back with...
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Sitting on the fence....
Well, we had The Social Work Manager round today. To see the garden for himself and to discuss the matter of the fence with us in person. I'm not sure 'discuss' is quite the right verb in this context, but still.
The SWM looked at the garden in the way a loss adjuster looks at your car before declaring it a write off, and said things like "well, it's a lot more open plan than I thought it would be," and "this is really designed for adults, this garden, if I'm honest. It's not really a children's garden."
I spoke about all the ways in which we could manage the "risks" of sharing a garden. And to be honest, I could tell it was falling on deaf ears. He's gone away to think about it. But I know that they are most likely to say that we can't proceed if we don't put a fence up.
I feel utterly powerless. If we had kids, and for their wellbeing we needed to put a fence up, we'd do it. Of course we would. But this isn't going to benefit anybody at all. Quite the opposite. But there doesn't seem to be any way of having a logical, reasonable, conversation with them about it. It's about making social services feel more comfortably about their box-ticking exercise.
I feel angry, upset and powerless.
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
The saga of the fence continues...
Tomorrow we are to be graced with the presence of the social worker's manager's manager to discuss the matter of the fence. They've seen our risk assessment. I am guessing that it wouldn't take a personal visit from a senior manager to tell us it was fine.
Good to know that the time and resources of our public institutions is being put to good use.
Thought you might like these fence quotes:
Good to know that the time and resources of our public institutions is being put to good use.
Thought you might like these fence quotes:
“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.”
Robert Frost
“The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out.”
JRR Tolkein
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Social workers, friendship and brandy
Our meeting with Chris, the social worker, went about as well as we could have expected this morning. Andy and I were both tired today. I was up until late finishing off my 'Garden Risk Assessment'. So by this morning, I had 'papers prepared' for our meeting. A set for each of us. Risk assessment, financial assessment, eco-map of friends and relatives, information about facilities for children in the local area. The only minor blot on my 'Oh so organised' image management strategy was the fact that I ran out of white paper, so some of it was printed on lurid blue.
This is in case passing helicopters wonder what religion we are:
This is the bit that we would be left with post erection of a fence:
Chris seems to have survived her phone call with Andy last night. Though she did look a bit stressed at times. We put our case for fencelessness quite eloquently I think. I always like to think I'm being calm and collected on these occasions, but have a suspicion that my passion leaks out and the calm, collected, professional veneer probably fools no one. Andy and I don't really do inscrutable.
Chris has agreed to take the risk assessment away and show it to her managers. She says she'll get back to us. All we can do now is wait and hope for an outbreak of sanity.
We spent most of the session going through the other stuff. I did steer the meeting a bit. Determined not to let the assessment get hijacked by the fence, I was heard to say things like "If you'd like to refer to the second set of papers" and "Shall we start with the financial assessment, which you'll find on the first page..."
Cringe.
We spent two and half hours with her. Saw M from next door in the garden. When he heard we'd spent 2 1/2 hours with the social worker, his question was "Brandy or scotch?" Oh, the joys of self employment!! Andy went back to work. I had a little brandy next door with M, and a chat. Oh the joy and gift of friendship!
Thought those of you who have been following our garden saga would like to see the offending article:
This is in case passing helicopters wonder what religion we are:
This is the bit that we would be left with post erection of a fence:
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Shared garden risk assessment
I have now written a risk assessment in preparation for our meeting tomorrow. Hoping it does the trick.
I am posting said risk assessment here for the benefit of the bored and the insomniac. Oh, and Jill.
Wish us luck. Or pray. Whichever is your wont...
Risk Assessment – Shared Garden
Introduction
The garden area of 11 **** Road, home of prospective adopters Catherine and Andrew Cowell, shares a garden space with number 10 **** Road. This situation, whilst posing a small amount of risk, provides considerable benefits to any children who may be placed here.
There are real drawbacks to taking an overly cautious approach to this matter and considerable advantages to the current arrangement. The purpose of this document, therefore, is firstly to outline those risks benefits and secondly to propose control measures to effectively manage those risks.
Utilising shared open space is a normal and desirable part of growing up. Access to parks, playgrounds and the countryside are some examples. Moreover, shared garden arrangements are not unusual. Families who live in flats, for example, have access only to shared outside space. There are many parts of the world where private outside space would be considered an unimaginable luxury. Catherine grew up in a home with a shared garden and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
It is important to note that even if there was a fence in place, the outside space of this row of houses is not entirely private, as there is a right of way through the gardens in order to facilitate entrance to the gardens from outside.
This document is written following conversations both with Pat Arthur, social work manager, an advisor from the British Association of Adoption and Fostering and our neighbours, M*** and L***.
Benefits of shared garden area
· More than 75% of the garden area currently available to number 11 Earls Road, actually belongs to number 10 Earls Road. The current arrangement therefore provides a large, outside play area which would not otherwise be available.
· The neighbours, at number 10, are a key part of Catherine and Andrew’s support network. The shared garden provides lots of informal opportunities for socialising, chatting and accessing support that would not happen were the garden areas to be private.
· A shared garden provides opportunities for socialising with both children and adults which would not otherwise be available.
· The community atmosphere engendered is very positive and a considerable enhancement to quality of life.
Drawbacks to putting up a fence
· The loss of most of the currently available outside space.
· The loss of the informal support and neighbourly contact that currently occurs.
· The loss of a sense of shared community.
· The danger of alienating our neighbours at a time when a strong support network is most important.
Risks
· Health and safety of the area is not under the sole control of Catherine and Andy.
· Possible unsupervised contact between adopted children and adults who have not undergone CRB checks.
· It is not possible to control who visits number 10 and uses the garden. This poses the potential risk of contact with adults who are not known to Catherine and Andy.
· There may be risks posed by the adopted children, to other children playing in the garden area.
Control Measures
The first, and most important control measure, is simply the recognition by all concerned that the garden area is not, and cannot be treated as if it were, a solely private outdoor space. Alongside that, is the understanding that any children placed are potentially vulnerable and may engage in behaviour that puts them or others at risk.
Potential practical measures to control the risk are as follows:
· It is strongly suggested that L*** and M*** undergo CRB checks. L*** has already done this in order to facilitate voluntary work at a local high school. Both are willing to undergo CRB checks should this be appropriate.
· Before allowing access to the garden, parents will check the area to ensure that it is safe, and no physical hazards have appeared since last time.
· Parents will check whether the neighbours are at home and therefore potentially using the garden, before children go out to play.
· Assuming that the neighbours have undergone CRB checks, parents will monitor who is in the garden. If the neighbours are there with visitors, parents will either sit in the garden with the children or ensure that they have a clear view of what is happening in the garden from the house.
· The neighbours have been made aware of the issues with which an adopted child may present, in order to enable them to keep their grandchildren safe.
Things not to say the social worker number 73....
Andy and I have had a running joke ever since we began this ridiculous process. He doesn't really do politically correct. And every time he's said something that wouldn't go down well (such as "I like children, but I couldn't eat a whole one") I've said "Things not to say to the social worker number 27" or words to that effect.
I have a feeling that Andy has just said "Things not to say to the social worker" numbers 1 to 73. He rang earlier to say that he's had a row with the social worker.
My conversation with the social manager seems to have been misconstrued or ignored. So Chris rang to ask if we've decided whether or not to put a fence up yet. She wasn't going to come if we hadn't made our minds up.
Andy told her exactly what he thought. Beginning with "The fence is not going up and that's the end of it," and touring through "Your service is small minded and flow-chart driven." Those are the bits he's told me about.
Oh ***?>!*
Friday, 14 May 2010
An update on the fence situation
Following the fence related missive from social services, I spoke to the manager of the department, to ask what risks they are trying to avoid by getting us to put up a fence and to make her aware of the possible down side of this.
She admitted that they have never encountered this issue before, and therefore don't really know how to deal with it. They are worried that we can't control who visits the neighbours.
By the end of the conversation, she had agreed that it will be acceptable for us to come up with an alternative plan to putting up a fence, so long as we can present something credible to the adoption panel.
Sounds like quite a lot of work over something that shouldn't really be an issue. But still. I was quite proud of myself for remaining professional and constructive when, to be honest, that wasn't really how I was feeling.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Not enough fences....
We had another missive today from Social Services. An envelope from Social Services is not generally a harbinger of joy. This was no exception. My positive feelings after our house inspection were misplaced. The problem? We share a garden with our neighbours.
Our social worker would hate this to be an issue when we go to panel, so is there any way we could re-instate the fence.
Well, we could. Of course we could. But I don't actually think our children would come to any harm from sharing a garden with the neighbours. In fact, given that most of the land belongs to the neighbours and not us, they would gain a very large garden to play in (well, large by UK standards) whereas if there was a fence up, there would only be a very small patioed area. Not ideal at all.
Drafting a letter and hoping that common sense will prevail. What do you think the chances of that are??
Friday, 7 May 2010
The form
Questions questions questions questions questions....
I have been writing answers to these questions for ages. And the list doesn't seem to be getting any shorter.
Think I might give this up and go and paint the Forth Bridge...
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Andy's birthday BBQ and Eco-maps..
We had a lovely barbeque for Andy's 46th birthday. My friend Marney 'twitters' in Haiku. Here is her succinct description of the occasion:
Birthday barbecue./Well toasted friendship./Delicious conversation!
I am now avoiding cleaning up the devastation caused by this highlight in the social calendar by blogging. Andy is avoiding it by sleeping...
So. Eco Maps.
Birthday barbecue./Well toasted friendship./Delicious conversation!
I am now avoiding cleaning up the devastation caused by this highlight in the social calendar by blogging. Andy is avoiding it by sleeping...
So. Eco Maps.
For the uninitiated, an 'eco-map' is a diagram created by potential adoptive parents, detailing the local and social resources available once the child / children arrive and the sanity of the parents begins to depart. Some would say that embarking on this process in the first place proves that it packed its bags and left long ago. But let's not go there...
Anyway. This map is supposed to include things like local amenities such as parks, play groups, swimming pools. And a description of our social network and the support we can expect to get from it. We need to produce this at our next meeting with the social worker in two and half weeks time.
My initial thoughts were that it is probably not possible to say exactly what sort of support we will get from people until it actually happens. Neither will we know exactly what sort of support we want. In the end, we will need to create our support network as we go along. I also don't feel terribly comfortable about asking people what help, if any, they intend to provide when we have kids. However, we have to produce this thing and I'm guessing it's not a great idea just to make it up.
With that in mind, I made the decision to actually ask our friends what they thought. The first person I asked took my seriously and was just fantastic. She is prepared, she says, to be available to come round for an hour in crisis moments and provide support and help us calm things down. Perhaps look after one child whilst we deal with crisis with another.
Brilliant! Not only will that look excellent on our eco-map, but, more importantly, it will be incredibly helpful to know that she's prepared to do that.
Emboldened by this conversation, I asked our dear friends gathered round the barbeque.
"Are you allowed to say that people will pray for you?"
"We've got loads of kids videos you can have."
Not quite what I was hoping for the form, but still...not bad...
"We'll be at hand to tell you 'we told you so' "
"...and 'We did warn you...'"
"Best of all, because we don't have any kids, we'll be able to give you advice."
"And tell you where you're going wrong..."
Oh well. Maybe at a party with beer was not the best moment to pick. Never mind. I think there's a park round the corner.
Friday, 30 April 2010
The fish
After my comments about Andy's home made bait, I thought I should show you some pictures of his last fishing trip. He has been wanting to catch a cat fish for some time. He managed it last week. This has inspired much more fishing and the making of bait.
I think you'll agree, this was quite a large fish!
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Assessment schedule is booked!
Chris, our lovely new social worker (yes, that is the words 'lovely' and 'social worker' in the same sentence) came round last night for her first assessment visit. She has also given our house the once over and declared it fit for human habitation. Not sure if she'd have said the same if she'd been there an hour later. Andy was making fishing bait. Which requires the mixing of many noxious substances allegedly attractive to fish, rolling it into balls and then boiling, microwaving or baking them. He is very proud of his little round fishy oeur d'oeuvres. Our house smelt like a cross between the back yard of a fishmongers, a tackle shop and a slightly stagnant pond.
...and promises to write on it before we finish the process.
We also now have a schedule for the rest of our assessment visits. She was intending to visit once a fortnight, but we've managed to negotiate mainly weekly appointments. The 6th and final one being the 1st July. We're next seeing her in 3 weeks time and have lots of work to do in the mean time. An eco-map and a financial assessment amongst other thngs.
It all feels very exciting. Went for coffee with a good friend (who is one of our adoption referees) afterwards while Andy made bait. Delightful evening.
She particularly liked our prayer wall...
...and promises to write on it before we finish the process.
We also now have a schedule for the rest of our assessment visits. She was intending to visit once a fortnight, but we've managed to negotiate mainly weekly appointments. The 6th and final one being the 1st July. We're next seeing her in 3 weeks time and have lots of work to do in the mean time. An eco-map and a financial assessment amongst other thngs.
It all feels very exciting. Went for coffee with a good friend (who is one of our adoption referees) afterwards while Andy made bait. Delightful evening.
Monday, 26 April 2010
Tidying up
We've just spent 2 hours this evening getting rid of the worst of the mess from our 'homely but chaotic' house in preparation for the visit of the social worker on Wednesday.
The sad fact is that our home looks less tidy after we've finished cleaning than some people's do before they start. Ah well. At least we won't seem anal and uptight and overly organised!!!
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Questions, questions, questions.....
Our social worker has forwarded us a copy of the form she will complete during our assessment, along with the questions that go with it. Not as extensive or as detailed as I expected, to be honest. Nowhere does it ask how often we cut our toenails, what our views are about Free Form Jazz music or whether we've been to Guildford.
Here's what it does ask - eliminating the several pages that don't apply to us (and yes I have cut and paste this from another document - I didn't sit and type it out. And no you won't want to read all of it, unless you're really bored, or out of a kind of morbid fascination):
Family of origin, including siblings and other significant family members
Where was the applicant born and raised?
How would you describe the relationship you had with each of your parents. Who were you closest to and why?
Describe your relationship with your siblings when you were a child
What are your memories of birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions?
What type of holidays did you have?
Were there any unhappy times or memories for your childhood?
Describe your overall experiences of childhood i.e. pre-adolescence?
Do you have any significant memories of being a teenager?
Was this a time of experimenting with alcohol, drugs, tobacco etc?
Have there been any significant events in your adult life?
What has been the biggest disappointment in your life to date?
What has given you the most satisfaction in your life to date ?
How have your experiences as a child shaped the person you are today?
Describe your overall experiences of being parented.
Did you receive care from any other adults or family members as a child? Was this of significance?
Identity (personal, class, racial and ethnic, gender, sexual, cultural, language and spiritual). This should also include the applicant’s attitudes and experiences of diversity.
What do you think are some of the components that make up our own sense of identity or describe who we are
Did religion play any part in your growing up
Was your culture reflected in your upbringing or in your life now
How would you describe your own identity in terms of gender, language, ethnicity, class, culture, sexuality and spirituality
What is the ethnic mix in your locality
Does your lifestyle reflect the fact that we live in a multiracial/ multicultural society ( i.e. food, music, friends, art/ornaments)
Have you ever experienced any prejudice or bullying
What contact do you have, or have had, with people of different ethnicities, people with disabilities or those who are of gay or lesbian sexuality
Were you raised in a family who were tolerant of others because they were different in some way
How will you raise your own children to be tolerant of others? Give examples of any issues you have discussed with them (there may be examples of issues raised on TV etc.)
Attitudes
How do you view Britain today in terms of mix of different racial and cultural groups that exist
Where do you stand on the issues of the day (e.g. girls and women wearing full face veils/ levels of immigration from Eastern Europe)
Can you give some examples of reasons why people might be discriminated against in society
Education
Which schools did you attend
What was your experience of junior/secondary school
What was the attitude of your parents towards your education
What qualifications did you gain
What was your experience of further/higher education
Have you gained any qualifications/ skills as an adult
What is your attitude to education now as a parent/ potential adoptive parent
Employment
Give details of your experience of work from leaving school to the present day
(pay particular attention to work involving children or caring)
Have you had experience of working as part of a team
Are there issues of confidentiality involved in their work
What was your parents attitude to work
How important to you is work
What ambitions/plans do you have for the future with regard to work
How will work fit in with adoption, what plans do you have for taking adoption leave and returning to work?
Health (including physical and mental health and emotional well being)
Do you now, or have you in the past, suffered from any significant illness of a physical or mental basis
If so please give details and any ways this may affect your ability to care for a child
Do you feel you are a strong person emotionally
What efforts do you make to try to maintain a good level of health
Leisure and recreational interests
What interests or hobbies do you enjoy
Why are they important to you
When do you do them
With whom
How much time is involved
How would adopting a child fit in with these hobbies/ interests
Do you have any specific skills or talents
How flexible are they in terms of fitting hobbies or interests around children placed for adoption
What interests /talents could they share with children
Are their hobbies/ interests linked to their support networks i.e. clubs, church etc
Do the applicants recognise the importance of having some “me” time
Personality and Physical Description
How would you describe yourself
What do you feel are your strengths and weaknesses
Would you describe yourself as an organised, reliable and dependable person
Can you give some examples of the above
How might others describe you
If you have a partner do you have similar or complimentary qualities
Physical description
Height, colouring and build
Current Adult relationship (that are the basis of the household (by marriage, civil partnership, cohabitation)
How, where , when did you meet
How did the relationship develop
What do you feel makes the relationship successful
Would you describe the relationship as open, where you each have lots of individual outside interests and friends or more closed, where you are more reliant on each other.
What qualities does each bring to the relationship
Are there specific / gender roles within the relationship
How do you make decisions
How do you deal with problems, disagreements, stress and anger
How do you celebrate success
How do you support each other
How do you show affection
What do you see as the strengths of the relationship
What are the vulnerable areas
How would you describe your partner
What are their strengths / weaknesses
Have you thought about how adoption will affect your relationship
If applicant is single, is he/ she looking for a relationship, or if one develops how would this progress alongside adoption
Social and support network including their integration into the local community
include ecomap
Complete a support network eco-map – include the following for each entry – name and relationship to applicant, ethnicity, where they live and frequency of contact, nature of support offered now and what role they might play with a child placed for adoption (do they have any skills or experience that could be of benefit)
Also include details of any groups, clubs to whom the applicant belongs and which could provide support.
Would any of these people be very involved with the care of any child placed ( do they need a risk assessment)
Who do feel closest to and why, ( if this is your partner, who would be next outside of that relationship)
For single applicants, what would happen if you were unable to care for a child placed for any reason
Can you recall a recent stressful incident/ issue, who did you confide in and why. How was the matter resolved
Who do you share all your problems with others? give examples of things about which you might seek advice from others
What is your understanding of confidentiality and how do you practice this amongst family, friends and neighbours
Why do you think maintaining confidentiality is important regarding children placed with you
How would you ensure a child remains safe from physical and sexual abuse in your network of family, friends and acquaintances and that they , in turn remain safe from all allegations
What support do you expect to receive when adopting a child and from whom
How would you set about establishing a positive working relationship with all people involved with adoption of a child
Are you aware of the importance of practicing safer caring and what might happen if an allegation is made against you
Can you think of how or why an allegation might be made against you
Are you aware that you can make a complaint or compliment on behalf of yourself or any child placed with you regarding the service you or they receive
Accommodation (including an evaluation of its safety and suitability for children) 22
Can you describe your accommodation and garden
How long have you lived here
Is it privately owned or rented
If rented, how secure is the tenancy and is the landlord aware of your plans to have children placed with you.
Is it suitable for children
Are there any alterations you would need to make
Have you any plans to renovate or alter the property in any way
Have you any plans to move house in the future, If so where and when
Financial circumstances
How would you describe your current financial situation
Do you have any mortgage arrears or debts that could jeopardise the security on your home
Is you present accommodation position secure financially
What is your general attitude to money
How do you manage your finances
Will adoption change your employment situation and if so what financial adjustments will you need to make
Will you receive paid adoption leave and if not how will you manage financially.
How much adoption leave do you intend to take
Do you have any plans over the next few years to make any major changes such as change employment, or move house
How might you encourage a child placed with you to consider managing their money and save
Access to and use of key local services relevant to family life
Describe the town, village or area that you live in
What resources and amenities does it have that would benefit children ( i.e. schools, health, leisure)
If any of these are not within your own community, where can they be found
Are there any known risks or dangers in the local community
In what way have you been involved in, or contributed to, your local community
Neighbourhood and community and its suitability for children
Describe your neighbourhood
In what ways is it suitable for children
Are there any potential risks or dangers for children
Becoming adopter/s – the assessment of adoptive parenting capacity
What is the Motivation for and the pathway the applicants have taken towards applying to adopt. Include issues re infertility
How long have you been thinking about adoption
What was the starting point
If the issues are infertility have these been followed through to as far as the applicants wish to go or are they still considering treatments
Describe your efforts to have a family including fertility treatment
If you have chosen not to have any treatment please give reasons
If you have chosen not to have a birth child please give reasons for this
Are they aware they will be asked to consider the use of contraception whilst going through this process
Why do you feel you would make a good adoptive parent
How did you find out about this adoption agency and why did you choose them
Are they aware that adoption is about meeting the needs of children
What are you hoping adoption will give you
What is the applicant/s understanding and expectations about children and lifelong nature and impact of adoption? Is this based on knowledge, information or experience?
What age group of children do you feel you might be best suited to and why
What do you think might be the difference between being a parent and being an adoptive parent
Do you have any knowledge or experience of children who have been or who being looked after
Do you understand how physical or mental health issues can play a part in children needing to be adopted
How might you expect a child to react to being separated from their parents or carers
Some children have not had a good experience of attachment to their parents or carers, how might this affect them
Do applicants understand that some children are “stuck” in their development and may act or present younger than their actual age
How might you communicate with very young children or those who function below their chronological age
How might you expect a child who has been abused in the past to behave
If a child placed with you started to tell you about some abuse that had happened to them in the past, what would you do
What behaviours might you encounter and how can you help such children
How might you encourage a child to join in play and activities
How do you see your role in helping children to attend school
How could you help a child who had no school place or who had been excluded
How could you help a child build up their self esteem and make them more resilient
How might you manage the differing needs if you had more than one child placed
How can you help a child preserve their memories
How important is it for a child to know their adopted and to know their” story”
Do you expect any conflict between a birth child and a child placed with you for adoption, if so, how will this be managed
What are likely to be your preferred methods of discipline ,i.e. are you aware of the possible repercussions of sending a child, who may have been abused, to their bedroom
If you have your own birth children how would you ensure your own child’s needs were also me
Do you know any other adopters or adopted children
What consideration have the applicant’s given to their post adoption support needs both now and in the future
What experiences of caring for children have prepared the applicant/s to become an adopter? In what ways are those experiences indicative of how they might parent an adopted child?
What experience do you have of children, both your own and other people’s
What does being a parent mean to you
Thinking of your own experience of being parented, what have you changed and what have you kept the same in being a parent yourself
What is your understanding of normal child development
In what ways do you communicate with children
Can you give examples of how you have treated children as individuals
How do you manage children’s behaviour
What are your views on corporal punishment
What methods of discipline would use
How do you encourage positive behaviour
Why are play, hobbies and activities important for children
How do you keep your children safe
If your child wanted to do something you considered to be risky or dangerous, how would you deal with this
What techniques do you use for discussions/ negotiations with teenagers
Have you discussed issues such as drugs and sexual health with your children
How do you encourage children to make decisions and learn from mistakes
Can you think of any times when you have helped your children cope with big changes in their lives and how you did this
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to education
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to health
If you are a parent how did you adjust to becoming a parent
What do you think have been your biggest rewards as a parent
Do you feel your children confide in you? Can you give an example
What do you think have been your biggest challenges as a parent and how have you dealt with these
What do you see as your strengths and vulnerabilities as a parent
What has been your experience of contact with other organisations involved with your children ( i.e. G.P, School etc)
Here's what it does ask - eliminating the several pages that don't apply to us (and yes I have cut and paste this from another document - I didn't sit and type it out. And no you won't want to read all of it, unless you're really bored, or out of a kind of morbid fascination):
Family of origin, including siblings and other significant family members
Where was the applicant born and raised?
How would you describe the relationship you had with each of your parents. Who were you closest to and why?
Describe your relationship with your siblings when you were a child
What are your memories of birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions?
What type of holidays did you have?
Were there any unhappy times or memories for your childhood?
Describe your overall experiences of childhood i.e. pre-adolescence?
Do you have any significant memories of being a teenager?
Was this a time of experimenting with alcohol, drugs, tobacco etc?
Have there been any significant events in your adult life?
What has been the biggest disappointment in your life to date?
What has given you the most satisfaction in your life to date ?
How have your experiences as a child shaped the person you are today?
Describe your overall experiences of being parented.
Did you receive care from any other adults or family members as a child? Was this of significance?
Identity (personal, class, racial and ethnic, gender, sexual, cultural, language and spiritual). This should also include the applicant’s attitudes and experiences of diversity.
What do you think are some of the components that make up our own sense of identity or describe who we are
Did religion play any part in your growing up
Was your culture reflected in your upbringing or in your life now
How would you describe your own identity in terms of gender, language, ethnicity, class, culture, sexuality and spirituality
What is the ethnic mix in your locality
Does your lifestyle reflect the fact that we live in a multiracial/ multicultural society ( i.e. food, music, friends, art/ornaments)
Have you ever experienced any prejudice or bullying
What contact do you have, or have had, with people of different ethnicities, people with disabilities or those who are of gay or lesbian sexuality
Were you raised in a family who were tolerant of others because they were different in some way
How will you raise your own children to be tolerant of others? Give examples of any issues you have discussed with them (there may be examples of issues raised on TV etc.)
Attitudes
How do you view Britain today in terms of mix of different racial and cultural groups that exist
Where do you stand on the issues of the day (e.g. girls and women wearing full face veils/ levels of immigration from Eastern Europe)
Can you give some examples of reasons why people might be discriminated against in society
Education
Which schools did you attend
What was your experience of junior/secondary school
What was the attitude of your parents towards your education
What qualifications did you gain
What was your experience of further/higher education
Have you gained any qualifications/ skills as an adult
What is your attitude to education now as a parent/ potential adoptive parent
Employment
Give details of your experience of work from leaving school to the present day
(pay particular attention to work involving children or caring)
Have you had experience of working as part of a team
Are there issues of confidentiality involved in their work
What was your parents attitude to work
How important to you is work
What ambitions/plans do you have for the future with regard to work
How will work fit in with adoption, what plans do you have for taking adoption leave and returning to work?
Health (including physical and mental health and emotional well being)
Do you now, or have you in the past, suffered from any significant illness of a physical or mental basis
If so please give details and any ways this may affect your ability to care for a child
Do you feel you are a strong person emotionally
What efforts do you make to try to maintain a good level of health
Leisure and recreational interests
What interests or hobbies do you enjoy
Why are they important to you
When do you do them
With whom
How much time is involved
How would adopting a child fit in with these hobbies/ interests
Do you have any specific skills or talents
How flexible are they in terms of fitting hobbies or interests around children placed for adoption
What interests /talents could they share with children
Are their hobbies/ interests linked to their support networks i.e. clubs, church etc
Do the applicants recognise the importance of having some “me” time
Personality and Physical Description
How would you describe yourself
What do you feel are your strengths and weaknesses
Would you describe yourself as an organised, reliable and dependable person
Can you give some examples of the above
How might others describe you
If you have a partner do you have similar or complimentary qualities
Physical description
Height, colouring and build
Current Adult relationship (that are the basis of the household (by marriage, civil partnership, cohabitation)
How, where , when did you meet
How did the relationship develop
What do you feel makes the relationship successful
Would you describe the relationship as open, where you each have lots of individual outside interests and friends or more closed, where you are more reliant on each other.
What qualities does each bring to the relationship
Are there specific / gender roles within the relationship
How do you make decisions
How do you deal with problems, disagreements, stress and anger
How do you celebrate success
How do you support each other
How do you show affection
What do you see as the strengths of the relationship
What are the vulnerable areas
How would you describe your partner
What are their strengths / weaknesses
Have you thought about how adoption will affect your relationship
If applicant is single, is he/ she looking for a relationship, or if one develops how would this progress alongside adoption
Social and support network including their integration into the local community
include ecomap
Complete a support network eco-map – include the following for each entry – name and relationship to applicant, ethnicity, where they live and frequency of contact, nature of support offered now and what role they might play with a child placed for adoption (do they have any skills or experience that could be of benefit)
Also include details of any groups, clubs to whom the applicant belongs and which could provide support.
Would any of these people be very involved with the care of any child placed ( do they need a risk assessment)
Who do feel closest to and why, ( if this is your partner, who would be next outside of that relationship)
For single applicants, what would happen if you were unable to care for a child placed for any reason
Can you recall a recent stressful incident/ issue, who did you confide in and why. How was the matter resolved
Who do you share all your problems with others? give examples of things about which you might seek advice from others
What is your understanding of confidentiality and how do you practice this amongst family, friends and neighbours
Why do you think maintaining confidentiality is important regarding children placed with you
How would you ensure a child remains safe from physical and sexual abuse in your network of family, friends and acquaintances and that they , in turn remain safe from all allegations
What support do you expect to receive when adopting a child and from whom
How would you set about establishing a positive working relationship with all people involved with adoption of a child
Are you aware of the importance of practicing safer caring and what might happen if an allegation is made against you
Can you think of how or why an allegation might be made against you
Are you aware that you can make a complaint or compliment on behalf of yourself or any child placed with you regarding the service you or they receive
Accommodation (including an evaluation of its safety and suitability for children) 22
Can you describe your accommodation and garden
How long have you lived here
Is it privately owned or rented
If rented, how secure is the tenancy and is the landlord aware of your plans to have children placed with you.
Is it suitable for children
Are there any alterations you would need to make
Have you any plans to renovate or alter the property in any way
Have you any plans to move house in the future, If so where and when
Financial circumstances
How would you describe your current financial situation
Do you have any mortgage arrears or debts that could jeopardise the security on your home
Is you present accommodation position secure financially
What is your general attitude to money
How do you manage your finances
Will adoption change your employment situation and if so what financial adjustments will you need to make
Will you receive paid adoption leave and if not how will you manage financially.
How much adoption leave do you intend to take
Do you have any plans over the next few years to make any major changes such as change employment, or move house
How might you encourage a child placed with you to consider managing their money and save
Access to and use of key local services relevant to family life
Describe the town, village or area that you live in
What resources and amenities does it have that would benefit children ( i.e. schools, health, leisure)
If any of these are not within your own community, where can they be found
Are there any known risks or dangers in the local community
In what way have you been involved in, or contributed to, your local community
Neighbourhood and community and its suitability for children
Describe your neighbourhood
In what ways is it suitable for children
Are there any potential risks or dangers for children
Becoming adopter/s – the assessment of adoptive parenting capacity
What is the Motivation for and the pathway the applicants have taken towards applying to adopt. Include issues re infertility
How long have you been thinking about adoption
What was the starting point
If the issues are infertility have these been followed through to as far as the applicants wish to go or are they still considering treatments
Describe your efforts to have a family including fertility treatment
If you have chosen not to have any treatment please give reasons
If you have chosen not to have a birth child please give reasons for this
Are they aware they will be asked to consider the use of contraception whilst going through this process
Why do you feel you would make a good adoptive parent
How did you find out about this adoption agency and why did you choose them
Are they aware that adoption is about meeting the needs of children
What are you hoping adoption will give you
What is the applicant/s understanding and expectations about children and lifelong nature and impact of adoption? Is this based on knowledge, information or experience?
What age group of children do you feel you might be best suited to and why
What do you think might be the difference between being a parent and being an adoptive parent
Do you have any knowledge or experience of children who have been or who being looked after
Do you understand how physical or mental health issues can play a part in children needing to be adopted
How might you expect a child to react to being separated from their parents or carers
Some children have not had a good experience of attachment to their parents or carers, how might this affect them
Do applicants understand that some children are “stuck” in their development and may act or present younger than their actual age
How might you communicate with very young children or those who function below their chronological age
How might you expect a child who has been abused in the past to behave
If a child placed with you started to tell you about some abuse that had happened to them in the past, what would you do
What behaviours might you encounter and how can you help such children
How might you encourage a child to join in play and activities
How do you see your role in helping children to attend school
How could you help a child who had no school place or who had been excluded
How could you help a child build up their self esteem and make them more resilient
How might you manage the differing needs if you had more than one child placed
How can you help a child preserve their memories
How important is it for a child to know their adopted and to know their” story”
Do you expect any conflict between a birth child and a child placed with you for adoption, if so, how will this be managed
What are likely to be your preferred methods of discipline ,i.e. are you aware of the possible repercussions of sending a child, who may have been abused, to their bedroom
If you have your own birth children how would you ensure your own child’s needs were also me
Do you know any other adopters or adopted children
What consideration have the applicant’s given to their post adoption support needs both now and in the future
What experiences of caring for children have prepared the applicant/s to become an adopter? In what ways are those experiences indicative of how they might parent an adopted child?
What experience do you have of children, both your own and other people’s
What does being a parent mean to you
Thinking of your own experience of being parented, what have you changed and what have you kept the same in being a parent yourself
What is your understanding of normal child development
In what ways do you communicate with children
Can you give examples of how you have treated children as individuals
How do you manage children’s behaviour
What are your views on corporal punishment
What methods of discipline would use
How do you encourage positive behaviour
Why are play, hobbies and activities important for children
How do you keep your children safe
If your child wanted to do something you considered to be risky or dangerous, how would you deal with this
What techniques do you use for discussions/ negotiations with teenagers
Have you discussed issues such as drugs and sexual health with your children
How do you encourage children to make decisions and learn from mistakes
Can you think of any times when you have helped your children cope with big changes in their lives and how you did this
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to education
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to health
If you are a parent how did you adjust to becoming a parent
What do you think have been your biggest rewards as a parent
Do you feel your children confide in you? Can you give an example
What do you think have been your biggest challenges as a parent and how have you dealt with these
What do you see as your strengths and vulnerabilities as a parent
What has been your experience of contact with other organisations involved with your children ( i.e. G.P, School etc)
What views and plans do the applicant/s have about promoting the child’s cultural heritage and religious beliefs?
What do you understand by the term a person’s identity
Why is it important to care for a child in a way that maintains a positive sense of identity
Would you consider caring for a child whose religion, culture, racial origin were different from your own, or who had a disability
How would you help a child develop a positive view of Britain as a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Do you consider Britain to be a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Does the area you live in have a diverse population
Are you able to promote differing religious views and worship
Would you be able to support your child if they were uncertain of their sexuality or were gay or lesbian
Would this present any difficulties to you or other members of your family
Are there any extended members of your family who are lesbian or gay
How would you help a child deal with discrimination or prejudice of any kind
Do you understand that some children may come from backgrounds where their birth families may not be tolerant of others and that they may have absorbed those opinions
What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s life following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this?
Describe the routine during the week in your household
How does the weekend routine differ
Who does what in the family and are gender roles important
What are the written or unwritten “rules” that exist in the family
What is your attitude to food (healthy v convenient/ fast food)
What leisure activities do family members enjoy both individually and as a family
Do you have a computer and access to the internet, will this be monitored
What role do religious and cultural practices play in your lives
What are the special occasions celebrated in your family and how are they celebrated
How are decisions made/ individuals needs met re leisure
What kind of holidays do you enjoy
How is affection displayed in your family
How do you deal with people’s feelings in your family
What is your attitude to personal space
If you have birth children do you encourage discussion, can you give examples
What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s lifestyle following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this.
What contribution are the applicant’s wider family and support network expected to make to the family if a child/ren is placed for adoption?
How will a child be welcomed into the wider family and support network?
Has the wider family and support network been involved in any preparation for adoption
How will a child be accepted into your family and circle of friends
Will any of them be involved in the day to day care of a child if and when you have to return to work
How do you envisage introducing your family and friends to any child placed?
What is the applicant’s view or expectations about the characteristics, ages or number of child/ren that they hope to adopt?
Background factors
What do the applicant’s feel about the impact of heredity on a child’s present and future functioning
Can they accept a child where little is known about either birth parent
What is their attitude to telling/sharing information with an adopted child about their origins
Is there any information the applicants would find difficult to tell and what would be the agency’s role in this case
Child as he/she is;
What is the applicant’s understanding of the effects of separation, loss and poor attachments upon children?
What is the applicant’s understanding of the possible behavioural difficulties children may display and the reasons for this?
Which behaviours would they find most difficult
(delayed or excessive affection, sleep problems, eating problems, rivalry, bullying, wetting, soiling, smearing, aggression, destructiveness, cruelty to animals)
Identity issues
What importance do the applicants attach to the child retaining its first name as given at birth?
Will cultural/religious considerations impact on this in any way?
Are they aware of the particular vulnerability of children who are perceived as different
Do they understand the impact of adoption on a child’s self image
Will the applicant’s be able to support a young person in their search for information (access to birth records)
(if appropriate – do they understand that some black/minority ethnic children will have a negative black self image and some will wish to deny their black identity altogether) How do they envisage tackling this problem
Do they appreciate the rejection/ pain they may face from a child/ young person in this situation
Sexual abuse
Can the applicant’s care for a child who may have been sexually abused
Can they care for a child who may display sexualised behaviour to adults and/or children?
Could they care for a child born from incest or rape?
How would they ensure appropriate sex education
How would they support a young person’s questioning their own sexuality or who was lesbian or gay
How might they cope with adolescence and experimentation i.e. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, sex
Do they feel there will be areas they will struggle with
Health Issues
Can the applicants care for a child with a specific medical need i.e. asthma, eczema, diabetes etc?
Can they care for a child with an unknown or unclear medical prognosis
Can they care for a child who has a high risk of developing a life threatening infection/ condition, inherited condition or a child with a limited life expectancy
What is their understanding of and capacity to deal with the implications of health issues for the child who might be placed with them i.e. uncertainty of future development, acceptance, bereavement, confidentiality
Physical impairment / learning difficulties
Please define more clearly the level of difficulties you would be able to manage.
Can the applicants care for a child with a physical impairment i.e. visual/blind, hearing/deaf, facial disfigurement, speech & language problems
Could they care for a child with physical or mobility difficulties
Is their accommodation suitable, what experience do they have in this area
Are there local resources for therapy, respite care
Can they care for a child with learning difficulties ( define the level they feel they could cope with)
Could they consider a child with any of the following
Autism, Down’s syndrome, Aspergers Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Foetal Alcohol symptoms
Is there an expectation the child will eventually lead an independent life.
Do the applicants have an understanding of the emotional and sexual needs of a young person with a physical impairment or learning difficulty?
Other Issues to be considered.
Can you consider a child/ren?
With a need for special educational provision
Where likely development progress is uncertain.
Who may have been physically abused
Who has been subject to neglect
Who has been abandoned
Who have been subjected to emotional abuse
Who is unlikely to make relationships easily
Who has difficulty bonding with adults and/ or
Who may develop overt behavioural difficulties
Who needs to be in control and rejects boundaries
Who has been relinquished for adoption and parents are still living together
Birth Parent issues.
Can they consider a child/ren where:
Parent’s background and medical history is unknown
Both parents have a history of severe mental illness
Both parents have learning difficulties
Parents have a history of criminal convictions
Parents have misused drugs and/or alcohol
One parent has killed his/her partner
There is a history of domestic violence
Links with birth family / people from the child’s past
What is the applicants understanding of the social pressures contributing to children being “looked after”
How far do they acknowledge the importance for a child of being able to understand his/her past and maintaining positive links from their past
Will they be able to help a child make sense of their experiences with their birth parents
Will they be able to maintain a link through Post-box contact and will they continue this and not just pay lip service to it.
What age, gender and number of children are they looking to adopt and is this realistic given their home, experience and financial situation.
Are the applicants willing to consider
A child who needs to maintain face to face contact with birth family members – parents, siblings, grandparents, other family members.
Please state who they would be willing to have contact with.
Ongoing Post-box contact both now and in the future.
A child whose legal situation is complex or delayed
A child whose ethnicity is different to their own
A child whose religion is different to their own.
Have the applicant/s identified potential testamentary Guardians for their child in the event of their death?
Who would they ask to be Guardians
For joint applications have the applicants considered if their relationship were to break down what are the implications for the care of the child
What do you understand by the term a person’s identity
Why is it important to care for a child in a way that maintains a positive sense of identity
Would you consider caring for a child whose religion, culture, racial origin were different from your own, or who had a disability
How would you help a child develop a positive view of Britain as a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Do you consider Britain to be a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Does the area you live in have a diverse population
Are you able to promote differing religious views and worship
Would you be able to support your child if they were uncertain of their sexuality or were gay or lesbian
Would this present any difficulties to you or other members of your family
Are there any extended members of your family who are lesbian or gay
How would you help a child deal with discrimination or prejudice of any kind
Do you understand that some children may come from backgrounds where their birth families may not be tolerant of others and that they may have absorbed those opinions
What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s life following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this?
Describe the routine during the week in your household
How does the weekend routine differ
Who does what in the family and are gender roles important
What are the written or unwritten “rules” that exist in the family
What is your attitude to food (healthy v convenient/ fast food)
What leisure activities do family members enjoy both individually and as a family
Do you have a computer and access to the internet, will this be monitored
What role do religious and cultural practices play in your lives
What are the special occasions celebrated in your family and how are they celebrated
How are decisions made/ individuals needs met re leisure
What kind of holidays do you enjoy
How is affection displayed in your family
How do you deal with people’s feelings in your family
What is your attitude to personal space
If you have birth children do you encourage discussion, can you give examples
What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s lifestyle following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this.
What contribution are the applicant’s wider family and support network expected to make to the family if a child/ren is placed for adoption?
How will a child be welcomed into the wider family and support network?
Has the wider family and support network been involved in any preparation for adoption
How will a child be accepted into your family and circle of friends
Will any of them be involved in the day to day care of a child if and when you have to return to work
How do you envisage introducing your family and friends to any child placed?
What is the applicant’s view or expectations about the characteristics, ages or number of child/ren that they hope to adopt?
Background factors
What do the applicant’s feel about the impact of heredity on a child’s present and future functioning
Can they accept a child where little is known about either birth parent
What is their attitude to telling/sharing information with an adopted child about their origins
Is there any information the applicants would find difficult to tell and what would be the agency’s role in this case
Child as he/she is;
What is the applicant’s understanding of the effects of separation, loss and poor attachments upon children?
What is the applicant’s understanding of the possible behavioural difficulties children may display and the reasons for this?
Which behaviours would they find most difficult
(delayed or excessive affection, sleep problems, eating problems, rivalry, bullying, wetting, soiling, smearing, aggression, destructiveness, cruelty to animals)
Identity issues
What importance do the applicants attach to the child retaining its first name as given at birth?
Will cultural/religious considerations impact on this in any way?
Are they aware of the particular vulnerability of children who are perceived as different
Do they understand the impact of adoption on a child’s self image
Will the applicant’s be able to support a young person in their search for information (access to birth records)
(if appropriate – do they understand that some black/minority ethnic children will have a negative black self image and some will wish to deny their black identity altogether) How do they envisage tackling this problem
Do they appreciate the rejection/ pain they may face from a child/ young person in this situation
Sexual abuse
Can the applicant’s care for a child who may have been sexually abused
Can they care for a child who may display sexualised behaviour to adults and/or children?
Could they care for a child born from incest or rape?
How would they ensure appropriate sex education
How would they support a young person’s questioning their own sexuality or who was lesbian or gay
How might they cope with adolescence and experimentation i.e. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, sex
Do they feel there will be areas they will struggle with
Health Issues
Can the applicants care for a child with a specific medical need i.e. asthma, eczema, diabetes etc?
Can they care for a child with an unknown or unclear medical prognosis
Can they care for a child who has a high risk of developing a life threatening infection/ condition, inherited condition or a child with a limited life expectancy
What is their understanding of and capacity to deal with the implications of health issues for the child who might be placed with them i.e. uncertainty of future development, acceptance, bereavement, confidentiality
Physical impairment / learning difficulties
Please define more clearly the level of difficulties you would be able to manage.
Can the applicants care for a child with a physical impairment i.e. visual/blind, hearing/deaf, facial disfigurement, speech & language problems
Could they care for a child with physical or mobility difficulties
Is their accommodation suitable, what experience do they have in this area
Are there local resources for therapy, respite care
Can they care for a child with learning difficulties ( define the level they feel they could cope with)
Could they consider a child with any of the following
Autism, Down’s syndrome, Aspergers Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Foetal Alcohol symptoms
Is there an expectation the child will eventually lead an independent life.
Do the applicants have an understanding of the emotional and sexual needs of a young person with a physical impairment or learning difficulty?
Other Issues to be considered.
Can you consider a child/ren?
With a need for special educational provision
Where likely development progress is uncertain.
Who may have been physically abused
Who has been subject to neglect
Who has been abandoned
Who have been subjected to emotional abuse
Who is unlikely to make relationships easily
Who has difficulty bonding with adults and/ or
Who may develop overt behavioural difficulties
Who needs to be in control and rejects boundaries
Who has been relinquished for adoption and parents are still living together
Birth Parent issues.
Can they consider a child/ren where:
Parent’s background and medical history is unknown
Both parents have a history of severe mental illness
Both parents have learning difficulties
Parents have a history of criminal convictions
Parents have misused drugs and/or alcohol
One parent has killed his/her partner
There is a history of domestic violence
Links with birth family / people from the child’s past
What is the applicants understanding of the social pressures contributing to children being “looked after”
How far do they acknowledge the importance for a child of being able to understand his/her past and maintaining positive links from their past
Will they be able to help a child make sense of their experiences with their birth parents
Will they be able to maintain a link through Post-box contact and will they continue this and not just pay lip service to it.
What age, gender and number of children are they looking to adopt and is this realistic given their home, experience and financial situation.
Are the applicants willing to consider
A child who needs to maintain face to face contact with birth family members – parents, siblings, grandparents, other family members.
Please state who they would be willing to have contact with.
Ongoing Post-box contact both now and in the future.
A child whose legal situation is complex or delayed
A child whose ethnicity is different to their own
A child whose religion is different to their own.
Have the applicant/s identified potential testamentary Guardians for their child in the event of their death?
Who would they ask to be Guardians
For joint applications have the applicants considered if their relationship were to break down what are the implications for the care of the child
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