This week has given me pause for thought. We have now been engaged in this 'adoption' process for 3 years. You might think, that after all that time, we would be the ready potential parents on the planet.
Actually, I think the opposite is true.
I have noticed, this week, that there has been a sort of split personalilty thing going on.
Part of me has been working through the process stuff reasonably efficiently. In order to cope with the uncertainty of the whole thing, however, I have completely shut my mind and emotions off from the prospect of becoming a parent. There is a certain amount of warped, emotional logic which thinks (wrongly) that by not thinking about it, I will be more able to cope with the disappointment if we are turned down.
Naively, I thought that we would have no choice but to prepare ourselves, because of the assessment process. I thought the assessment visits would really help us to think and prepare. Actually, they've done nothing of the sort. It has just been about furnishing social services with a whole heap of information. Useful for them, obviously, but not for us.
So here we are. Three years after starting this process, and I feel less ready to become a parent now than I did when we started.
This is where pregnancy has the edge over adoption. When you get pregnant, there is a definite timescale. Barring miscarriages etc, you will be a parent 9 months later. There is no getting away from it. At some point in that 9 months you have to get ready. With adoption, you just don't know. We might be parents in 4 months time. We might never be parents. We might begin introductions in 10 months time. Or two years. Or six months. It really is anybody's guess.
And that is a lot lot harder to deal with than I ever could have guessed it would be.
You have had to build your walls up and build them high and strong. I imagine that is where the lack of feeling ready comes from. You have to hold back a little because of the uncertainty. I don't know if I told this story on my blog (back when I was actually blogging), but my daughter's adoption is (I think) inspiring. I first saw her on the photolistings online. And I thought I would fall out of my chair. I got this lightheaded, hot feeling from my head to my toes. I called first thing the next morning, convinced that this was MY daughter only to hear "sorry, but she has been chosen by another family". Weeks passed and we found another child in another country. I was preparing to send in our acceptance of that referral when I got the call. The other family had found out they were pregnant and were not going to proceed with the adoption. My daughter was my daughter after all. To this day, when I try to pinpoint a time when I felt God's presence in my life and his plans unfolding before me, it is of course the adoption of our daughter. There were moments when I just had cried and cried and asked God "WHY?!?!?", but it all worked out in the end. I can't wait until fences and dollars are no longer in your way and your family is all together. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments! Your story is really inspiring. God knows what He's doing, even if we are clueless!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, God knows exactly the day you both will become parents. And even if it's later than sooner, it will be perfect timing because it's to God's glory. This is what I truly believe.
ReplyDeleteI can understand building up walls to protect your heart, no one likes to feel let down. But when it happens, I can only imagine the joy you are going to experience. Oh what great joy!!