Yesterday we went out to buy swimming costumes and arm bands.
Today we braved swimming.
Neither of the boys had ever been swimming before. So this was something of an adventure. I was particularly concerned about taking littlest son. He doesn't like noise, has only just got used to the bath and deeply dislikes standing bare foot on any kind of uncarpeted surface.
We picked our pool carefully. There is a leisure pool designed for young children not far from us. It has lots of very shallow pools, some little slides between pools, a gently sloping beach style entrance and a gentle river rapids area.
They both did marvellously. Though as predicted, J was really scared to begin with and cried lots. To the point where I was seriously considering taking him back to the changing room to get dressed.
The thing that cracked it was a little slide from one pool to another. He loves slides and thought this one was marvellous. By the end, he was having a great time. He even went in the big pool with Daddy who took him on a ride through the rapids on a large float.
A was also nervous to begin with, but soon was relishing exploring what was on offer. He too came in the big pool for a ride round the rapids with Mummy. They both thought it was brilliant and are looking forward to repeating the experience.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
A Miracle!
It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
A Miracle!
It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Monday 20 June 2011
Pirates
On Saturday, for some bizarre reason, the boys decided that it would be a great idea to put the decorative glass pebbles from the coffee table in the living room (the obvious choking hazard pebbles, that I am now rounding up and disposing of) down my front and into my bra.
My first thought in response to this wanton intrusion into my undergarments? "What a great attachment opportunity!" Oh the surreal world of adoptive parenting...
We then marched upstairs to see if Mummy rattled when she walked and A reclaimed the beads as treasure for his Fisher Price pirate ship and we did lots of talking in pirate voices.
And then Andy's head appears round the door in a pirate style head scarf / bandanna.
Priceless.
Andy of course delighted in making reference to treasure chests.....
My first thought in response to this wanton intrusion into my undergarments? "What a great attachment opportunity!" Oh the surreal world of adoptive parenting...
We then marched upstairs to see if Mummy rattled when she walked and A reclaimed the beads as treasure for his Fisher Price pirate ship and we did lots of talking in pirate voices.
And then Andy's head appears round the door in a pirate style head scarf / bandanna.
Priceless.
Andy of course delighted in making reference to treasure chests.....
"He Looks Just Like You..."
Packing my shopping at Tesco the other day, trying to subtly keep a tired and wired littlest son from damaging the fixtures and fittings when I realised the cashier was going all gooey eyed.
"You can tell he's yours!" she said.
This has not happened to me before. I'm really not quite sure how to take it. Realising that looking bemused is not the expected response I cast about in my brain for some words.
"I suppose he does look a bit like me," I say, thinking "We have the same number of eyes???"
She then proceeded to compliment J's general beauty and cuteness which made me feel so proud it almost brought a tear to my eye. "Oh thank you! You've made me go all proud!" I said. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed.
She had no way of knowing she was the first stranger to compliment me about my children or the first person to say that J or A look like me.
Exhausted.... But Still Dancing
I am exhausted.
I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done. I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.
We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous. They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage. Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety. He seems to live on adrenaline. His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.
Oldest son seems to need to be in control. This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly. If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes." If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."
He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him. Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things. A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk. And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question. Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath. Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.
If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little. So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun. We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of. And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.
I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours. It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective. When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn. Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward. Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane. Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors. I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy! It's an aeroplane!" And he was right. It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open. "Wow! You're right! It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine. This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.
Thursday I was Super Mummy. I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment. I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.
Friday I was exhausted. And irritable. And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable. By the end of the day I was just about done in. Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.
Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2. We danced together for about half and hour. And I wasn't exhausted anymore....
I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done. I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.
We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous. They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage. Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety. He seems to live on adrenaline. His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.
Oldest son seems to need to be in control. This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly. If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes." If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."
He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him. Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things. A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk. And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question. Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath. Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.
If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little. So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun. We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of. And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.
I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours. It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective. When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn. Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward. Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane. Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors. I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy! It's an aeroplane!" And he was right. It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open. "Wow! You're right! It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine. This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.
Thursday I was Super Mummy. I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment. I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.
Friday I was exhausted. And irritable. And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable. By the end of the day I was just about done in. Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.
Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2. We danced together for about half and hour. And I wasn't exhausted anymore....
Thursday 16 June 2011
Noise
Have I just not noticed how noisy the world is, or are we jinxed in some way? Littlest son needs cuddles when there is noise about. Particularly lawn mowers, hedge trimmers and the like. I swear, for the first two weeks we had them, EVERY TIME we went to a park, there was a lawn mower.
Last week, at our local park there was no less than four lawn mowers. FOUR! It's really not that big a park.
Today, everybody in the world was cutting trees down.
The other day, just as we were leaving the house, a mechanical road sweeper came down our road. We have lived here seven years and I have never ever seen a road sweeper of any description in our little road. Let alone a noisy, growly, mechanical one. And it appears just as we're leaving the house. FOUR TIMES it went up and down the road.
Hmm.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you....
Last week, at our local park there was no less than four lawn mowers. FOUR! It's really not that big a park.
Today, everybody in the world was cutting trees down.
The other day, just as we were leaving the house, a mechanical road sweeper came down our road. We have lived here seven years and I have never ever seen a road sweeper of any description in our little road. Let alone a noisy, growly, mechanical one. And it appears just as we're leaving the house. FOUR TIMES it went up and down the road.
Hmm.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you....
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Things that bring unbridled joy....
Feeding ducks.
Being pulled round the house on duvet with your brother.
A stick that breaks unexpectedly when you lean on it.
Anything you can jump off.
Anything that splashes.
Exploring the tent display at Go Outdoors....
Watching your new sons find joy in the ordinary.
Being pulled round the house on duvet with your brother.
A stick that breaks unexpectedly when you lean on it.
Anything you can jump off.
Anything that splashes.
Exploring the tent display at Go Outdoors....
Watching your new sons find joy in the ordinary.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
The ironies of child safety equipment.
The first irony is that supervising a small child at the top of the stairs AND trying to open the gate is definitely more dangerous than just supervising the child.
Secondly, there's cupboard locks. Before the kids arrived, we spent hours fitting safety gates and child locks on all our cupboards and kitchen drawers. The cutlery drawer is particularly difficult to open because the child safety catch is really stiff. Andy and I usually have to find a screwdriver or a piece of cutlery in order to open it.
The other day, A demonstrated and explained, in a helpful sort of tone, how to open the cutlery drawer. "You just have to press this down like this and it opens!" His fingers are small enough to do the job without the aid of spoon handle or screwdriver. Somewhat amused, I asked him to show Andy what he'd shown me. "You just do it like this," he said, "and I can open these too" he continued proudly, opening the cupboards with child locks.
Oh well....
Secondly, there's cupboard locks. Before the kids arrived, we spent hours fitting safety gates and child locks on all our cupboards and kitchen drawers. The cutlery drawer is particularly difficult to open because the child safety catch is really stiff. Andy and I usually have to find a screwdriver or a piece of cutlery in order to open it.
The other day, A demonstrated and explained, in a helpful sort of tone, how to open the cutlery drawer. "You just have to press this down like this and it opens!" His fingers are small enough to do the job without the aid of spoon handle or screwdriver. Somewhat amused, I asked him to show Andy what he'd shown me. "You just do it like this," he said, "and I can open these too" he continued proudly, opening the cupboards with child locks.
Oh well....
Sunday 5 June 2011
Things I am learning.....
It's a steep learning curve, this parenting lark. Anyone who knows us will not be surprised to hear that it's the practical stuff, rather than the interacting with kids stuff, that I am finding most taxing. Things are getting easier though. Here are a few things that haven't happened for a day or two:
- Cleaning a saucepan that I've burnt food to the bottom of. (I am a pretty competent cook, but somehow cooking at the same time as having kids in the house is quite tricky for some bizarre reason)
- Putting Js shoes on the wrong feet.
- Putting a nappy on the back to front.
- Moistening a finger for quicker access to a nappy sack and then realising it had poo on it.
- having to rescue the house from complete chaos after the boys have gone to bed.
- Crawling into bed before 8pm and sleeping 'til morning.
Here are a few things I've learnt:
- Either kids tops have ridiculously small head - holes or J has an abnormally large head. Every time I take a top off I am little concerned I might pull his head off with it.
- How to put Js shoes on easily - you have to loosen the straps completely and then they just slip on!
- How to cook a simple meal without Andy taking the kids into a different room / county.
- The words to "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" (A's current and only favourite book) off by heart.
We are beginning to establish a routine. At the moment, the events in the routine are pretty consistent, but our timing is not exactly military. Quite often things take a lot longer than we thought they would. The meal I thought I'd knock up in 50 minutes took over an hour and a half today, for instance. Yesterday, J and A had both been up ridiculously early, but then J came into our room and fell asleep again with Andy. And then getting them to breakfast seemed to take forever.
We are managing three meals a day, however, all sat round the table. Which the children really enjoy. The first or second day they were at ours, A wanted to get down because he thought he'd finished. We made him stay put until we'd all finished and that has worked really well. Though it makes me feel a little Victorian. It means we don't have to be trying to supervise one child in one part of the house, whilst encouraging the other to continue to eat and trying to eat our dinner at the same time. It also means that he often eats more because he decides he wants a bit more of something. The imposed three healthy meals a day plus fruit is probably doing Andy and I some good as well!
Day 3
We had the boys' social worker come to visit today. The boys were very pleased to see him and delighted to show him around the house. When he arrived, we had been feeding the ducks and Andy was showing oldest son how to climb over the big wooden gate that is in front of the canal tow path just outside our house. It's one of those proper old fashioned farm style wooden gates. Perfect for climbing over.
We took them for a long walk this afternoon, so we were all tired by the time we got back. Just the right amount of tired. We had a great tea time and evening together.
Thursday 2 June 2011
The great Bath time conquest and other scary things...
J, our youngest son, is a bit scared of a few things. He loves slides but won't countenance anything that swings. There are also particular mechanical noises that really frighten him. We have been working on this by holding him and then going together to find out what the noise is. Today, it was someone with an electric saw, cutting down a tree across the canal from us. Safely with Mummy, he waved and giggled at the men cutting the tree down. But still wanted to sit with me for the next half hour or so.
By far his biggest fear is water. Mainly of the getting washed in it kind. When we were at the Foster Carer's home, we saw him having a shower and he was terrified. Screaming, distressed, terrified. And he's not a screamy, whingy, child at all. Showers aren't great for kids, but apparently he wasn't much for baths either.
At our house, he was obviously very nervous of the bath. Happy to watch the water coming out of the taps, but very resistant to get anywhere near to getting in the bath. Even when it was dry and he was fully clothed.
So we decided I would go in the bath with him. Night one, he yelled lots just getting his clothes off. So I held him and soothed once he was undressed until he calmed down. Then we got in the bath, and he screamed again, so I held him against me, but out of the water, until he calmed. And then gradually, safe with Mummy, he discovered the joys of splashing! Within about 10 minutes, we had a happy, laughing boy, in the bath.
Yesterday, our friend Jill brought round some toys for playing with in the bath, which we tried out in the garden in a bowl of water first. Both boys love them! When it came to bath time, J still definitely needed to be very very close to Mummy, but he actually asked to be undressed so he could have his bath. I can't tell you how delighted I am to have conquered the bath thing! He can have fun at bath time now!!
Perhaps we'll leave swimming for a few weeks though.....
By far his biggest fear is water. Mainly of the getting washed in it kind. When we were at the Foster Carer's home, we saw him having a shower and he was terrified. Screaming, distressed, terrified. And he's not a screamy, whingy, child at all. Showers aren't great for kids, but apparently he wasn't much for baths either.
At our house, he was obviously very nervous of the bath. Happy to watch the water coming out of the taps, but very resistant to get anywhere near to getting in the bath. Even when it was dry and he was fully clothed.
So we decided I would go in the bath with him. Night one, he yelled lots just getting his clothes off. So I held him and soothed once he was undressed until he calmed down. Then we got in the bath, and he screamed again, so I held him against me, but out of the water, until he calmed. And then gradually, safe with Mummy, he discovered the joys of splashing! Within about 10 minutes, we had a happy, laughing boy, in the bath.
Yesterday, our friend Jill brought round some toys for playing with in the bath, which we tried out in the garden in a bowl of water first. Both boys love them! When it came to bath time, J still definitely needed to be very very close to Mummy, but he actually asked to be undressed so he could have his bath. I can't tell you how delighted I am to have conquered the bath thing! He can have fun at bath time now!!
Perhaps we'll leave swimming for a few weeks though.....
The Boys are Home!
A and J came home yesterday. The last few days of introductions were absolutely exhausting. We were travelling almost an hour on the motorway to collect them, to bring them to ours for the day and then take them back down the motorway so they could sleep at the Foster Carers'.
The kids are really full on. Needing lots of attention and stimulation. A is pushing every boundary he spots. Despite the fact he really quite likes to please. We are working at being consistent and ensuring there are boundaries whilst still working out what boundaries we think there ought to be. And working to present a united front. Fortunately A's attempts at divide and conquer lack finesse at present. He asks the same question of both us, when we are in clear earshot of each other!!
Last night they got to sleep really well, slept through until about quarter to seven, apart from a brief waking up and screaming moment at half three, which was easily sorted with a cuddle, and then played quietly for about 45 minutes. I slept really well, except when disturbed by Andy who was alert to every sound and checking on them when he heard noises - such as the neighbours walking about next door!
The kids are really full on. Needing lots of attention and stimulation. A is pushing every boundary he spots. Despite the fact he really quite likes to please. We are working at being consistent and ensuring there are boundaries whilst still working out what boundaries we think there ought to be. And working to present a united front. Fortunately A's attempts at divide and conquer lack finesse at present. He asks the same question of both us, when we are in clear earshot of each other!!
Last night they got to sleep really well, slept through until about quarter to seven, apart from a brief waking up and screaming moment at half three, which was easily sorted with a cuddle, and then played quietly for about 45 minutes. I slept really well, except when disturbed by Andy who was alert to every sound and checking on them when he heard noises - such as the neighbours walking about next door!
Friday 27 May 2011
Thursday 26 May 2011
Rain, Attachment and Mechanical Failure
The boys are visiting us at home today, for the first time. I slept really badly last night, despite going to bed at a reasonable hour and being utterly exhausted. Just too much happening in my head.
We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham. We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.
We had a great time on Wednesday. A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment. Everyone was partying hard when we arrived. His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.
The school have handled things brilliantly. Everyone seems to know what's happening. His whole class has seen his family book and DVD. The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly. One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials. She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible. There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious. It's lovely to see it done properly."
We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time. J fell over a couple of times. I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week. Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important. J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy. He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.
Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school. The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too! It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off. What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain? We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place. We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut. What now?
Andy spied a Sure Start centre. So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go. They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre. It opened later in the morning. Got back to the car and it wouldn't start. At all. Despite encouragement. I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.
What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car? By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open. So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away. We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.
Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A. And we had no mobile phone. Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car. Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night. But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!
It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home. Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario. Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one. This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour. Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'
We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week. Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side. At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold. Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side. She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after. It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture. And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place. That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.
The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J. Those are the things we will be keen to replicate. The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.
We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us. Our car is still at the garage. The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker. Just time to make sure the house is safe......
We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham. We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.
We had a great time on Wednesday. A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment. Everyone was partying hard when we arrived. His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.
The school have handled things brilliantly. Everyone seems to know what's happening. His whole class has seen his family book and DVD. The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly. One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials. She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible. There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious. It's lovely to see it done properly."
We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time. J fell over a couple of times. I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week. Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important. J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy. He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.
Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school. The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too! It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off. What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain? We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place. We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut. What now?
Andy spied a Sure Start centre. So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go. They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre. It opened later in the morning. Got back to the car and it wouldn't start. At all. Despite encouragement. I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.
What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car? By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open. So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away. We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.
Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A. And we had no mobile phone. Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car. Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night. But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!
It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home. Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario. Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one. This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour. Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'
We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week. Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side. At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold. Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side. She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after. It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture. And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place. That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.
The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J. Those are the things we will be keen to replicate. The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.
We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us. Our car is still at the garage. The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker. Just time to make sure the house is safe......
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Introductions Day 2
Today, we were scheduled to be with the kids at the foster carer's home from 2 pm until bedtime. The plan at this stage, is that we observe how the foster carer parents the children, so that we can provide something similar to begin with. It's not quite working out like that...
When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school. J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV. It's not that the kids don't have toys. We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.
So we played with J, with the cardboard tube. We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource. Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with. Andy did lots of rough and tumble. I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?" I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys." So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.
We all went to collect Aaron from school. Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'. He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand. We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.
We had a fabulous time with the kids. We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us. Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.
Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with. I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances. Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids. I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive. We did do some boundary keeping. In a gentle sort of way. But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.
Until tomorrow...
When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school. J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV. It's not that the kids don't have toys. We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.
So we played with J, with the cardboard tube. We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource. Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with. Andy did lots of rough and tumble. I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?" I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys." So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.
We all went to collect Aaron from school. Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'. He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand. We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.
We had a fabulous time with the kids. We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us. Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.
Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with. I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances. Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids. I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive. We did do some boundary keeping. In a gentle sort of way. But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.
Until tomorrow...
school places and other sundry items....
This morning, we had a brief window before we needed to drive to the foster carer's home, so I went to the school at the end of the road to get application forms. We've had a couple of gos at trying to sort out school places before. But there has always been information we haven't had, which has made that difficult to do. And social services were not prepared to supply it until the match with A and J was ratified. I was also confident, having met A's teacher yesterday, that getting him into year one is the right thing to do. I had wondered if we should fight for him to do reception again, and start afresh in September. But on balance, I think going into year 1 will be fine.
I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested. I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!
I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy. His language is significantly behind for his age.
Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.
And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...
I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested. I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!
I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy. His language is significantly behind for his age.
Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.
And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...
Monday 23 May 2011
Introductions
We're just back home after a loooonnnnnggggg day which contained only one cup of coffee.
We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting. Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.
Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher. There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed. Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children. It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like. It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children. We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.
After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.
Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school. Easier said than done. They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house. Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road. We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy. Oops!
Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm. James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter. When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film. We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom. He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.
We got on really well with the boys. About as well as we generally do with most children we meet. I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both. Not overly effusive or very reticent. Just normal. J is loud, giggly and boisterous. He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy. A is quieter and more talkative.
They are both lovely.
All in all a good day.
We see them again tomorrow, after school.
We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting. Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.
Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher. There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed. Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children. It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like. It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children. We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.
After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.
Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school. Easier said than done. They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house. Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road. We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy. Oops!
Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm. James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter. When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film. We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom. He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.
We got on really well with the boys. About as well as we generally do with most children we meet. I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both. Not overly effusive or very reticent. Just normal. J is loud, giggly and boisterous. He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy. A is quieter and more talkative.
They are both lovely.
All in all a good day.
We see them again tomorrow, after school.
Sunday 22 May 2011
Lying on the grass...
This is our last weekend as a childless couple. The boys won't be home for a couple of weeks, but we meet them and begin introductions tomorrow.
Today, we are having friends over for lunch.
Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.
We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......
Then we went for a beer....
Today, we are having friends over for lunch.
Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.
We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......
Then we went for a beer....
What's in a name?
I got an email from the boys' social worker on Friday, to say that the decision to match us with them has been ratified by the official decision maker.
We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons. We expect that to begin tomorrow.
The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.
I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids! And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification. How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?
This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago. We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004. One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names." They were boys names. We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys. We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them. So we wrote the names down.
And then our friends had a little girl. And then another little girl. We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.
Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services. There was one profile of two boys. Something about them touched my heart. I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.
We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next. I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys. Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full. And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.
How mad is that???
We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it. I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.
My first thought was, "what a story to be able to tell our children!"
To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.
It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching. It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision. Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing. Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...
Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead. Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment. And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'. But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.
God is good!
We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons. We expect that to begin tomorrow.
The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.
I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids! And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification. How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?
This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago. We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004. One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names." They were boys names. We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys. We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them. So we wrote the names down.
And then our friends had a little girl. And then another little girl. We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.
Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services. There was one profile of two boys. Something about them touched my heart. I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.
We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next. I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys. Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full. And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.
How mad is that???
We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it. I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.
My first thought was, "what a story to be able to tell our children!"
To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.
It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching. It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision. Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing. Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...
Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead. Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment. And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'. But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.
God is good!
Thursday 19 May 2011
Getting Ready
We've spent this week getting the house ready for the arrival of our boys, who we will meet on Monday. We've been putting draw locks and cupboard locks in pertinent places and we now have stair gates at the top and bottom of the stairs.
We are seeing our house in a new light. Many ordinary things are suddenly looking potentially hazardous... Such as the blind cords in the lounge.
The boys' room is looking great! There was an evening recently when I suddenly realised that the beds will soon have real people in them!
Saturday 14 May 2011
A bit more about panel...
I was too excited to sit down and write anything coherent about our experience of panel, last time I blogged.
I had been about to take panel in our stride this time round. A necessary process, but not particularly irksome. Assuming that we would be matched with the boys at panel, I wasn't really that bothered. But then we got a slightly panicked phone call from our social worker on Monday "Just to let us know" that the chair of panel was concerned about Andy's smoking and had spoken to the head of children's services about it.
And suddenly it was terrifying....
Having been to panel with our social worker before, we were somewhat pre-warned. Last time, she was really anxious and spent the time we were waiting to go into panel, doing a very stressy high speed 'what to say in panel' pep talk.
So we took our lap top and a copy of the Pim and Bibble DVD, which we knew she wouldn't have seen, because it went to the boys social worker, James, who works in a different office in a different town. When we arrived, Chris and James were both already there. On cue, Chris, immediately began talking about panel and the smoking issue.
"Right," I said, "we've brought distraction techniques! We thought you'd like to see the DVD. And we've made introductory books for the children to show you..."
Chris agreed that she wanted to see the DVD. She thought it was great and requested a copy to show her colleagues on the grounds that they should get to see it as all James' colleagues had seen it.
Panel was running an hour late. So there was plenty of time to chat before we went in. We mainly managed to steer the conversation away from panel and smoking. At one point, two of James' colleagues popped their heads round the door to report that panel was 'in a good mood today'. James introduced us. "Of course!" his colleague responded, "Pim and Bibble!!"
Panel was fine in the end. To my surprise, the smoking issue barely came up. I had both barrels loaded with lots of very passionate, well thought out arguments which I didn't need to use in the end.
Probably just as well.
The social workers went in before us and Chris told us afterwards that she had really laid into them about the fact that this is a good match and there are no perfect parents. "I told them there are risks and vulnerabilities in every placement and this one is no different. I told them how much you have to offer and what a good match this is.." It evidently did the trick. I got the distinct impression, when it came to it, that the reason they asked about the smoking was because it was on the list of questions they'd decided to ask rather than because they were worried about it.
It's done now! Hooray!
So we took our lap top and a copy of the Pim and Bibble DVD, which we knew she wouldn't have seen, because it went to the boys social worker, James, who works in a different office in a different town. When we arrived, Chris and James were both already there. On cue, Chris, immediately began talking about panel and the smoking issue.
"Right," I said, "we've brought distraction techniques! We thought you'd like to see the DVD. And we've made introductory books for the children to show you..."
Chris agreed that she wanted to see the DVD. She thought it was great and requested a copy to show her colleagues on the grounds that they should get to see it as all James' colleagues had seen it.
Panel was running an hour late. So there was plenty of time to chat before we went in. We mainly managed to steer the conversation away from panel and smoking. At one point, two of James' colleagues popped their heads round the door to report that panel was 'in a good mood today'. James introduced us. "Of course!" his colleague responded, "Pim and Bibble!!"
Panel was fine in the end. To my surprise, the smoking issue barely came up. I had both barrels loaded with lots of very passionate, well thought out arguments which I didn't need to use in the end.
Probably just as well.
The social workers went in before us and Chris told us afterwards that she had really laid into them about the fact that this is a good match and there are no perfect parents. "I told them there are risks and vulnerabilities in every placement and this one is no different. I told them how much you have to offer and what a good match this is.." It evidently did the trick. I got the distinct impression, when it came to it, that the reason they asked about the smoking was because it was on the list of questions they'd decided to ask rather than because they were worried about it.
It's done now! Hooray!
Preparing for introductions
We have been having great fun, over the last few months, preparing things for the children to get before they meet us. We did two sets of things in the end.
Firstly, we worked with our brilliant friends Marney and Stephen to produce a little story featuring us and two little monster puppets, called Pim and Bibble.
When thinking about how to introduce ourselves, we were pondering the ways that young children generally approach meeting new people. We notice that directly introducing oneself to a small child quite often seems to alarm them. They generally seem to like to observe for a bit. Check people out first. That being the case, we wanted to allow space for the kids to watch from the sidelines, as it were. So we produced a story which just shows us interacting with the puppets. Giving the kids the chance to see us and our home without all the baggage of knowing that we were going to be their parents.
The other thing we did was two more traditional photo books, with pictures of us and our house, which specifically introduce us as 'Mummy and Daddy'. We managed to get hold of some talking photo albums, so that we could record messages to go with the pictures.
Because we were doing something slightly different from the norm, my major concern was that we would have put all that effort into creating a carefully staged, 2 part introduction only for social services to take everything to the foster home at once after matching panel and the kids not to see the DVD before the books.
I felt very out of control of the whole thing.
The boys' social worker suggested we bring everything to matching panel. But I sent the DVD in the post first, with a long explanation as to why we wanted them to see the DVD first and how it really wouldn't matter if it happened before panel, because it doesn't mention us as parents, and if the match wasn't approved, they'd just be the owners of a slightly random kids DVD.
Delighted to say that they agreed!
Firstly, we worked with our brilliant friends Marney and Stephen to produce a little story featuring us and two little monster puppets, called Pim and Bibble.
When thinking about how to introduce ourselves, we were pondering the ways that young children generally approach meeting new people. We notice that directly introducing oneself to a small child quite often seems to alarm them. They generally seem to like to observe for a bit. Check people out first. That being the case, we wanted to allow space for the kids to watch from the sidelines, as it were. So we produced a story which just shows us interacting with the puppets. Giving the kids the chance to see us and our home without all the baggage of knowing that we were going to be their parents.
The other thing we did was two more traditional photo books, with pictures of us and our house, which specifically introduce us as 'Mummy and Daddy'. We managed to get hold of some talking photo albums, so that we could record messages to go with the pictures.
Because we were doing something slightly different from the norm, my major concern was that we would have put all that effort into creating a carefully staged, 2 part introduction only for social services to take everything to the foster home at once after matching panel and the kids not to see the DVD before the books.
I felt very out of control of the whole thing.
The boys' social worker suggested we bring everything to matching panel. But I sent the DVD in the post first, with a long explanation as to why we wanted them to see the DVD first and how it really wouldn't matter if it happened before panel, because it doesn't mention us as parents, and if the match wasn't approved, they'd just be the owners of a slightly random kids DVD.
Delighted to say that they agreed!
Thursday 12 May 2011
They said yes!!!!!!
Well, we had matching panel yesterday and despite all the worries, they said yes!!
We will meet the boys and start introductions on the 23rd May.....
Eeek....
We will meet the boys and start introductions on the 23rd May.....
Eeek....
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Matching Panel
We're off to matching panel this afternoon. It is 10am and I am still in my dressing gown. I've done some things, but in the back of my mind, I kind of think that the day hasn't really started, because I'm not dressed yet. So there's nothing to panic about yet. Sad, I know!
The last few days have been a real roller coaster emotionally. I am pleased to say the terror gave way to excitement and I have been barely able to sit still.
Then we had a phone call from the social worker on Monday night, to say that the chair of the panel has raised concerns with the manager of social services over the fact that Andy smokes. Two days before panel! Honestly!
The issue came up in the approval panel. We told them that Andy doesn't smoke in the house or around kids. They seemed OK with that. They didn't set any limits on the ages of the children we could adopt. And now suddenly there's an issue.
Honestly. This process...
Saturday 7 May 2011
Terror!
We have matching panel next Wednesday, which we fully expect to be a formality. I expect it will feel like a very formal formality, when we are sat in that conference room again, with 15 people justifying their existence by asking us questions...
Assuming there are no hitches, we have an introductions planning meeting on the 23rd May and will meet the boys for the first time that day.
And I am currently terrified!!!! I don't think I've ever been so stressed! The kind of scared one is just before going on stage to do something major in front of lots of people.
I have been atrributing my stress to all sorts of other things. Until, having woken up with my heart rate roughly normal, I picked up the letter inviting us to panel and terror struck again.
We have so much to get ready! No idea what parenthood will be like! No idea if we will be any good at it. No clue what we're letting ourselves in for.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Assuming there are no hitches, we have an introductions planning meeting on the 23rd May and will meet the boys for the first time that day.
And I am currently terrified!!!! I don't think I've ever been so stressed! The kind of scared one is just before going on stage to do something major in front of lots of people.
I have been atrributing my stress to all sorts of other things. Until, having woken up with my heart rate roughly normal, I picked up the letter inviting us to panel and terror struck again.
We have so much to get ready! No idea what parenthood will be like! No idea if we will be any good at it. No clue what we're letting ourselves in for.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday 31 March 2011
We have a date!!
We have a date for matching panel! It will be the 13th May. At that point we will get the go-ahead officially, we hope, to adopt our two boys.
Then things will move really quickly. We will probably start introductions within 2 weeks of matching panel and the boys will be home within about a fortnight of that.
Oh my goodness!!!!
How exciting!
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Trying to Prepare
Andy and I have been trying to do some things to get ready for when the boys come home. We don't have a date for that yet. It's not actually officially confirmed. We have to go to matching panel for them to decide if we're a good match for the boys and then their recommendation goes to the official decision maker. Then we start introductions.
The thing is, the period of time between us officially knowing that we are approved to be parents to these boys and starting introductions is generally really really short. Like 10 days or so. So it makes sense to get ready now. If we wait we'll be running round like headless chickens.
This is easier said than done, however. We know we'll need car seats. So we went to Mothercare to investigate this whole new world of car safety. "How much do they weigh? How tall are they? We can't recommend a car seat until you can tell us that." I asked the social worker. Who has told me their height and weight in October last year and suggested we 'add a bit to that'.
Social workers suggested we investigate schools. Rang our local school. They tell us this would be an in-year transfer so they wouldn't tell us anything and said we needed to get in touch with the Local Education Authority.
The LEA said they wouldn't talk to us until we'd filled in their forms.
We got the forms.
The forms want to know what school the oldest currently attends.
I asked the social worker.
He won't tell us until the boys have been matched with us.
Ho hum.
I actually don't mind if sorting the school thing out takes a bit of time. The oldest doesn't legally have to start school until September anyway. Though he is at school now. I don't think a bit of time together as a family, getting to know one another and bonding will do any harm at all.
Meanwhile, we're buying beds....
The thing is, the period of time between us officially knowing that we are approved to be parents to these boys and starting introductions is generally really really short. Like 10 days or so. So it makes sense to get ready now. If we wait we'll be running round like headless chickens.
This is easier said than done, however. We know we'll need car seats. So we went to Mothercare to investigate this whole new world of car safety. "How much do they weigh? How tall are they? We can't recommend a car seat until you can tell us that." I asked the social worker. Who has told me their height and weight in October last year and suggested we 'add a bit to that'.
Social workers suggested we investigate schools. Rang our local school. They tell us this would be an in-year transfer so they wouldn't tell us anything and said we needed to get in touch with the Local Education Authority.
The LEA said they wouldn't talk to us until we'd filled in their forms.
We got the forms.
The forms want to know what school the oldest currently attends.
I asked the social worker.
He won't tell us until the boys have been matched with us.
Ho hum.
I actually don't mind if sorting the school thing out takes a bit of time. The oldest doesn't legally have to start school until September anyway. Though he is at school now. I don't think a bit of time together as a family, getting to know one another and bonding will do any harm at all.
Meanwhile, we're buying beds....
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Meeting the foster carers....
We met the foster carers. Perfectly pleasant people but it was a bizarre experience. Meeting the current carers of your children is slightly surreal.
We needed to know that the boys are right for us. And that includes, for us, knowing that they don't appear to have massive behavioural or learning issues. Of course, nothing is certain and there are no guarantees, but we needed to know that we're not walking naively into a situation we wouldn't be able to handle. Though on reflection that sounds like a pretty good description of becoming a parent!!
I found the meeting really difficult. Not for any particular reason. It just felt odd. And I'd spent several weeks feeling all maternal and broody in a nice kind of way. Meeting the foster carers and being told about some of the problems they've needed to deal with brought me down to earth with a bit of a bump. I found it very hard and wanted 5 minutes out but couldn't quite work out how to ask for it. Andy was fine with the whole thing.
The boys sound great. And we are going ahead.
We needed to know that the boys are right for us. And that includes, for us, knowing that they don't appear to have massive behavioural or learning issues. Of course, nothing is certain and there are no guarantees, but we needed to know that we're not walking naively into a situation we wouldn't be able to handle. Though on reflection that sounds like a pretty good description of becoming a parent!!
I found the meeting really difficult. Not for any particular reason. It just felt odd. And I'd spent several weeks feeling all maternal and broody in a nice kind of way. Meeting the foster carers and being told about some of the problems they've needed to deal with brought me down to earth with a bit of a bump. I found it very hard and wanted 5 minutes out but couldn't quite work out how to ask for it. Andy was fine with the whole thing.
The boys sound great. And we are going ahead.
Saturday 26 February 2011
Meeting foster carers...
We are meeting the boys' foster carers on Monday! This is very exciting! I have been very excited for days now. Very much looking forward to our boys coming home.
No. We don't have a date. The adoption process is far too convoluted for us to have anything sensible like a date yet!!!! Our social worker and their social worker, have confirmed already that they are happy to proceed. We meet the foster carers on Monday, to find out more about the boys. Then we officially say yes. And then the social workers do a report that goes to a panel that has to ratify the decision. And then that decision is officially ratified by an official decision maker. And then introductions are planned.
The ridiculous thing is that the time from the official official decision being made, to us beginning a 2 week introduction period with boys, by the end of which they will be living with us, is generally really short. It can be as quick as a week or 10 days.
This really means that we have to assume they are coming. Otherwise we would have nothing ready!!!
No. We don't have a date. The adoption process is far too convoluted for us to have anything sensible like a date yet!!!! Our social worker and their social worker, have confirmed already that they are happy to proceed. We meet the foster carers on Monday, to find out more about the boys. Then we officially say yes. And then the social workers do a report that goes to a panel that has to ratify the decision. And then that decision is officially ratified by an official decision maker. And then introductions are planned.
The ridiculous thing is that the time from the official official decision being made, to us beginning a 2 week introduction period with boys, by the end of which they will be living with us, is generally really short. It can be as quick as a week or 10 days.
This really means that we have to assume they are coming. Otherwise we would have nothing ready!!!
Thursday 17 February 2011
Probable match...
We have been finding out about two young boys, brothers aged 2 and 4. I am pretty sure these are our kids. This morning we met with their social worker and our social worker. It's all very encouraging!
We need to wait to find out if the social workers are as positive about the match as we are. If so, the next step is for us to meet the foster carer. How exciting!!!! I don't think there is anything they would tell us now, that would make us change our minds. And I don't think the SWs are going to say no.
This may sound a little overconfident at this stage, but I honestly think we have found our kids and we are now just waiting for the wheels of bureaucracy to do their thing. And our boys, I think, will come home early in the summer.
We need to wait to find out if the social workers are as positive about the match as we are. If so, the next step is for us to meet the foster carer. How exciting!!!! I don't think there is anything they would tell us now, that would make us change our minds. And I don't think the SWs are going to say no.
This may sound a little overconfident at this stage, but I honestly think we have found our kids and we are now just waiting for the wheels of bureaucracy to do their thing. And our boys, I think, will come home early in the summer.
Monday 14 February 2011
Filming
We spent Saturday with our friends, filming bits and pieces for our introductory DVD.
Our puppeteer friends arrived with loads of equipment. Tripods, cameras, lights on huge stands, sunlight reflector... It was really quite stunning!
We had lots of fun. It was great to be doing something concrete for our future kids.
The film is not finished, but they've done us a trailer. Enjoy!
Our puppeteer friends arrived with loads of equipment. Tripods, cameras, lights on huge stands, sunlight reflector... It was really quite stunning!
We had lots of fun. It was great to be doing something concrete for our future kids.
The film is not finished, but they've done us a trailer. Enjoy!
Smiling!
Our next door neighbour commented yesterday that I've been happier, since we got approved in January, than she's ever seen me. I'd not really thought about it, but it has been so good to be this side of approval.
We are smiling quite a bit!
We are smiling quite a bit!
Saturday 29 January 2011
Messing about with puppets
We need to produce an introductory DVD, so that the kids who become our kids, can find out about us before they meet us.
We are working with some puppeteer friends on this at the moment. We have been working on a story, where 2 young puppets come to visit and do all sorts of fun things with us. Our friend has taken our ideas and produced a fabulous script. We spent some time yesterday recording the sound track. They suggested that it would be helpful if we voiced the puppets, so that should we want to reproduce the puppet voices again at some point, we can.
Not as easy as I thought it might be!! I will never watch the muppets in the same way again!!!
Here's Andy, messing about with puppets....
We are working with some puppeteer friends on this at the moment. We have been working on a story, where 2 young puppets come to visit and do all sorts of fun things with us. Our friend has taken our ideas and produced a fabulous script. We spent some time yesterday recording the sound track. They suggested that it would be helpful if we voiced the puppets, so that should we want to reproduce the puppet voices again at some point, we can.
Not as easy as I thought it might be!! I will never watch the muppets in the same way again!!!
Here's Andy, messing about with puppets....
Information, information, information
We've been reading the Child Permanency reports on the two boys we asked for more information about. Each one consists of about 40 pages of stuff. On first reading, it feels like lots and lots of information. All about their parents and their backgrounds, what's happened to them, why they're in care etc etc etc.
On reflection, though, it still leaves quite a lot of questions unanswered.
It's also quite strange, emotionally. Bit of a roller coaster. Given the last 3.5 years, this should come as no surprise, I know!!
We began with the 'cute factor' information and I fell in love.
Now we're beginning to get the detailed, nitty gritty stuff and all the warm feelings have completed evaporated. I still think they could be our kids, but there are some hard questions we need answering and some thinking we need to do that is practical rather than emotional. What can we take on, realistically? What risks are we prepared to take?
On reflection, though, it still leaves quite a lot of questions unanswered.
It's also quite strange, emotionally. Bit of a roller coaster. Given the last 3.5 years, this should come as no surprise, I know!!
We began with the 'cute factor' information and I fell in love.
Now we're beginning to get the detailed, nitty gritty stuff and all the warm feelings have completed evaporated. I still think they could be our kids, but there are some hard questions we need answering and some thinking we need to do that is practical rather than emotional. What can we take on, realistically? What risks are we prepared to take?
Wednesday 26 January 2011
Looking at profiles
We've been sent some real information about some real children really needing real parents!!
It's not hypothetical anymore!
There are 2 brothers, aged 4 and 2, we've asked for more information about. Have coffee. Sitting down just now to read social services reports. Hooray!!!!!!
It's not hypothetical anymore!
There are 2 brothers, aged 4 and 2, we've asked for more information about. Have coffee. Sitting down just now to read social services reports. Hooray!!!!!!
Saturday 22 January 2011
Oh! The irony!
Had a really excited 40 minutes yesterday afternoon. Noticed on my lovely smart phone, that we had 6 emails from social services. Profiles of children awaiting adoption, for us to consider!!! How exciting!!!
I rang Andy to tell him to access my email account from home and download the information, as I was at work. There is one email telling us they are sending us profiles to look at, in other emails, and 5 other emails! That has to be AT LEAST five kids/sibling groups to look at, by my reckoning!
Why can't I tell you precisely? Well, because the files are password protected. They sent us the emails on Friday afternoon. With a message to ring the secretary to get the password to open the files. Couldn't get hold of the secretary. Probably because it was Friday afternoon. And now it's the weekend.
How frustrating! I have laughed lots at the irony of this. It won't kill us to wait until Monday. There have been far worse moments in this process. Needless to say, we will be on the phone to the office first thing Monday morning. Deliberately not getting too excited. We need to look at the profiles. There might not be anyone suitable. The fact they've sent 5 suggests a bit of a scatter gun approach, rather than a "we've carefully considered and think these children would be perfect for you" sort of thing. But to know that information about OUR CHILDREN might be on my computer RIGHT NOW I can't just access it....
Enough second guessing! It is Saturday evening. Time for pizza and beer and a DVD!
I rang Andy to tell him to access my email account from home and download the information, as I was at work. There is one email telling us they are sending us profiles to look at, in other emails, and 5 other emails! That has to be AT LEAST five kids/sibling groups to look at, by my reckoning!
Why can't I tell you precisely? Well, because the files are password protected. They sent us the emails on Friday afternoon. With a message to ring the secretary to get the password to open the files. Couldn't get hold of the secretary. Probably because it was Friday afternoon. And now it's the weekend.
How frustrating! I have laughed lots at the irony of this. It won't kill us to wait until Monday. There have been far worse moments in this process. Needless to say, we will be on the phone to the office first thing Monday morning. Deliberately not getting too excited. We need to look at the profiles. There might not be anyone suitable. The fact they've sent 5 suggests a bit of a scatter gun approach, rather than a "we've carefully considered and think these children would be perfect for you" sort of thing. But to know that information about OUR CHILDREN might be on my computer RIGHT NOW I can't just access it....
Enough second guessing! It is Saturday evening. Time for pizza and beer and a DVD!
It's official!
It's official! We are on the list of approved adopters!
We got the letter from the 'official decision maker' this week. On Wednesday.
Bizarrely, opening the letter was terrifying. I knew what it was. The franking on the front was from our social services department. Opening it, my heart was racing. I was genuinely convinced that there was a risk it was going to say 'no'. That we would be the 1 in 1000 where the official decision maker disagrees with the panel.
But they've said yes!
They have, however, misspelt our surname. So officially, they've said yes to a couple with a name that sounds the same as ours but is spelt differently.
The misspelling made me roll my eyes and shake my head in a mildly amused / exasperated manner. Honestly! After all the forms we've completed and information we've supplied, you'd have thought they'd know our name by now! No clerical error could dampen my joy though. It's just GREAT!!! to be this side of the approval process.
We got the letter from the 'official decision maker' this week. On Wednesday.
Bizarrely, opening the letter was terrifying. I knew what it was. The franking on the front was from our social services department. Opening it, my heart was racing. I was genuinely convinced that there was a risk it was going to say 'no'. That we would be the 1 in 1000 where the official decision maker disagrees with the panel.
But they've said yes!
They have, however, misspelt our surname. So officially, they've said yes to a couple with a name that sounds the same as ours but is spelt differently.
The misspelling made me roll my eyes and shake my head in a mildly amused / exasperated manner. Honestly! After all the forms we've completed and information we've supplied, you'd have thought they'd know our name by now! No clerical error could dampen my joy though. It's just GREAT!!! to be this side of the approval process.
Wednesday 5 January 2011
Panel: Hooray!!!!!!
We went to adoption panel today.
For the uninitiated, this entails an interview with about 15 people, who make a judgement as to whether or not one is deemed worthy to become parents. Just to cut to the chase:
We have been judged and found worthy!!!
I have been in a bit of a state of anxiety over the last couple of weeks. Trying not to think too deeply about it. Attempting to stay calm. I've managed outwardly calm / quietly terrified most of the time.
Andy and I drove to the town where the panel was held last night, so that we knew where we were going and where we going to park etc. Good job we did. It was in the council headquarters, which was in a little cul de sac off a pedestrianised street, surrounded by one way systems and pedestrianised areas, surrounded in turn by dual carriageway and ring roads. Much better to have sussed out last night than to have been trying to find for the first time in rush hour traffic this morning. The drive down last night was Andy's idea. He usually does this before interviews. I tend to be more of an "Oh, it'll be fine! We'll find it!" mindset. But he was so right... We found the office, sussed out car parks, made sure we had the requisite money in coinage for said car park, and decided on venue for breakfast/coffee in the event of being ridiculously early...
Andy was also in military mood this morning. I got up for a cup of tea and a pray at about 6:30. And was sauntering around in my dressing gown at ten past seven, to find Andy up, showered, dressed and chivvying me along. He chased us out of the house at 7:45. Which gave us an hour and three quarters for a 35 minute journey!! Mad! Usually he's so laid back...
I have to say, it was lovely to be so smugly early and able to sit around in cafe having breakfast. And in contrast to the last couple of weeks, I had a profound sense of peace and of God being with us. Two thoughts really helped. The first was simply that we have been working towards this point, or waiting frustratedly for this to happen, for the last 3 and a bit years and it was just great to get to today. Andy was also feeling quietly confident. On the way, he suddenly said "I've taken the liberty of putting the champagne in the fridge..."
The second thought was that the panel event itself was not much different to other meetings I've been to. It felt much more constructive to regard it as a work-like task than as a grilling from 15 people tasked to decide about our future. I just thought "I know how to do meetings. It's only 15 people. I lead a church for goodness sake! How hard can this be?"
I was somewhat amused that our social worker, who sat with us while we waited for panel to ask us in, seemed more nervous than we did. The social worker who had done the second opinion visit, said that her policy before panel was to talk to her prospective parents about anything but going into panel, in order to help them to stay calm. Chris seemed to have the opposite approach entirely!! She evidently felt that an anxious, high-speed, coaching session was in order. "You know they're going to ask about your health, Andy. If I hadn't raised it in the report, they'd have wanted to know why... just be yourselves... Andy, you know what you're like. Think before you speak. Don't say anything politically incorrect...be child focussed... if they ask about the garden, you can tell them there's a lock on that gate..." Good job we were both relatively calm. She could have sent us both into a blind panic...!
Once we'd gone in, and I'd said a cheery 'Good Morning!' to the sea of silent faces, who all chorused 'Good morning' back, it felt profoundly cope-able with. The other thing that helped was the observation, as everyone introduced themselves, that some of the people round the table obviously weren't comfortable speaking in front of that many people, even just to say their names. Andy was more nervous than me, I think. They had quite a lot of questions, but I felt we answered them competently. Chris, the social worker, felt we'd done a very good job.
The worst bit was waiting for them to come and tell us their conclusion. And the panel chair, who came to speak to us, was particularly humourless. She delivered their verdict with about the emotion of a railway station announcer. Along with the dead pan statement that "We've decided this because we think you have a very strong partnership and a lot of skills."
Anyway. We have been approved. I am feeling numb. Excited. Pleased. Brain dead. Scared.
For the uninitiated, this entails an interview with about 15 people, who make a judgement as to whether or not one is deemed worthy to become parents. Just to cut to the chase:
We have been judged and found worthy!!!
I have been in a bit of a state of anxiety over the last couple of weeks. Trying not to think too deeply about it. Attempting to stay calm. I've managed outwardly calm / quietly terrified most of the time.
Andy and I drove to the town where the panel was held last night, so that we knew where we were going and where we going to park etc. Good job we did. It was in the council headquarters, which was in a little cul de sac off a pedestrianised street, surrounded by one way systems and pedestrianised areas, surrounded in turn by dual carriageway and ring roads. Much better to have sussed out last night than to have been trying to find for the first time in rush hour traffic this morning. The drive down last night was Andy's idea. He usually does this before interviews. I tend to be more of an "Oh, it'll be fine! We'll find it!" mindset. But he was so right... We found the office, sussed out car parks, made sure we had the requisite money in coinage for said car park, and decided on venue for breakfast/coffee in the event of being ridiculously early...
Andy was also in military mood this morning. I got up for a cup of tea and a pray at about 6:30. And was sauntering around in my dressing gown at ten past seven, to find Andy up, showered, dressed and chivvying me along. He chased us out of the house at 7:45. Which gave us an hour and three quarters for a 35 minute journey!! Mad! Usually he's so laid back...
I have to say, it was lovely to be so smugly early and able to sit around in cafe having breakfast. And in contrast to the last couple of weeks, I had a profound sense of peace and of God being with us. Two thoughts really helped. The first was simply that we have been working towards this point, or waiting frustratedly for this to happen, for the last 3 and a bit years and it was just great to get to today. Andy was also feeling quietly confident. On the way, he suddenly said "I've taken the liberty of putting the champagne in the fridge..."
The second thought was that the panel event itself was not much different to other meetings I've been to. It felt much more constructive to regard it as a work-like task than as a grilling from 15 people tasked to decide about our future. I just thought "I know how to do meetings. It's only 15 people. I lead a church for goodness sake! How hard can this be?"
I was somewhat amused that our social worker, who sat with us while we waited for panel to ask us in, seemed more nervous than we did. The social worker who had done the second opinion visit, said that her policy before panel was to talk to her prospective parents about anything but going into panel, in order to help them to stay calm. Chris seemed to have the opposite approach entirely!! She evidently felt that an anxious, high-speed, coaching session was in order. "You know they're going to ask about your health, Andy. If I hadn't raised it in the report, they'd have wanted to know why... just be yourselves... Andy, you know what you're like. Think before you speak. Don't say anything politically incorrect...be child focussed... if they ask about the garden, you can tell them there's a lock on that gate..." Good job we were both relatively calm. She could have sent us both into a blind panic...!
Once we'd gone in, and I'd said a cheery 'Good Morning!' to the sea of silent faces, who all chorused 'Good morning' back, it felt profoundly cope-able with. The other thing that helped was the observation, as everyone introduced themselves, that some of the people round the table obviously weren't comfortable speaking in front of that many people, even just to say their names. Andy was more nervous than me, I think. They had quite a lot of questions, but I felt we answered them competently. Chris, the social worker, felt we'd done a very good job.
The worst bit was waiting for them to come and tell us their conclusion. And the panel chair, who came to speak to us, was particularly humourless. She delivered their verdict with about the emotion of a railway station announcer. Along with the dead pan statement that "We've decided this because we think you have a very strong partnership and a lot of skills."
Anyway. We have been approved. I am feeling numb. Excited. Pleased. Brain dead. Scared.
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