Panel: Hooray!!!!!!

We went to adoption panel today.

For the uninitiated, this entails an interview with about 15 people, who make a judgement as to whether or not one is deemed worthy to become parents.  Just to cut to the chase:

We have been judged and found worthy!!!


I have been in a bit of a state of anxiety over the last couple of weeks.  Trying not to think too deeply about it.  Attempting to stay calm.  I've managed outwardly calm / quietly terrified most of the time.

Andy and I drove to the town where the panel was held last night, so that we knew where we were going and where we going to park etc.  Good job we did.  It was in the council headquarters, which was in a little cul de sac off a pedestrianised street, surrounded by one way systems and pedestrianised areas, surrounded in turn by dual carriageway and ring roads.  Much better to have sussed out last night than to have been trying to find for the first time in rush hour traffic this morning.  The drive down last night was Andy's idea.  He usually does this before interviews.  I tend to be more of an "Oh, it'll be fine!  We'll find it!" mindset.  But he was so right... We found the office, sussed out car parks, made sure we had the requisite money in coinage for said car park, and decided on venue for breakfast/coffee in the event of being ridiculously early...

Andy was also in military mood this morning.  I got up for a cup of tea and a pray at about 6:30.  And was sauntering around in my dressing gown at ten past seven, to find Andy up, showered, dressed and chivvying me along.  He chased us out of  the house at 7:45.  Which gave us an hour and three quarters for a 35 minute journey!!  Mad! Usually he's so laid back...

I have to say, it was lovely to be so smugly early and able to sit around in cafe having breakfast.  And in contrast to the last couple of weeks, I had a profound sense of peace and of God being with us.  Two thoughts really helped.  The first was simply that we have been working towards this point, or waiting frustratedly for this to happen, for the last 3 and a bit years and it was just great to get to today.  Andy was also feeling quietly confident.  On the way, he suddenly said "I've taken the liberty of putting the champagne in the fridge..."

The second thought was that the panel event itself was not much different to other meetings I've been to.  It felt much more constructive to regard it as a work-like task than as a grilling from 15 people tasked to decide about our future.  I just thought "I know how to do meetings.  It's only 15 people.  I lead a church for goodness sake!  How hard can this be?"

I was somewhat amused that our social worker, who sat with us while we waited for panel to ask us in, seemed more nervous than we did.  The social worker who had done the second opinion visit, said that her policy before panel was to talk to her prospective parents about anything but going into panel, in order to help them to stay calm.  Chris seemed to have the opposite approach entirely!!  She evidently felt that an anxious, high-speed, coaching session was in order.  "You know they're going to ask about your health, Andy.  If I hadn't raised it in the report, they'd have wanted to know why... just be yourselves... Andy, you know what you're like.  Think before you speak.   Don't say anything politically incorrect...be child focussed...  if they ask about the garden, you can tell them there's a lock on that gate..."   Good job we were both relatively calm.  She could have sent us both into a blind panic...!

Once we'd gone in, and I'd said a cheery 'Good Morning!' to the sea of silent faces, who all chorused 'Good morning' back, it felt profoundly cope-able with.  The other thing that helped was the observation, as everyone introduced themselves, that some of the people round the table obviously weren't comfortable speaking in front of that many people, even just to say their names.  Andy was more nervous than me, I think.  They had quite a lot of questions, but I felt we answered them competently.  Chris, the social worker, felt we'd done a very good job.

The worst bit was waiting for them to come and tell us their conclusion.  And the panel chair, who came to speak to us, was particularly humourless.  She delivered their verdict with about the emotion of a railway station announcer.  Along with the dead pan statement that "We've decided this because we think you have a very strong partnership and a lot of skills."

Anyway.  We have been approved.  I am feeling numb.  Excited.  Pleased.  Brain dead.  Scared.