Exhausted.... But Still Dancing

I am exhausted.

I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done.  I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.

We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous.  They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage.  Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety.  He seems to live on adrenaline.  His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.

Oldest son seems to need to be in control.  This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly.  If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes."  If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."

He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him.  Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things.  A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk.  And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question.  Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath.  Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.

If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little.  So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun.  We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of.  And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.

I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours.  It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective.  When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn.  Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward.  Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane.  Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors.  I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy!  It's an aeroplane!"  And he was right.  It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open.  "Wow!  You're right!  It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine.  This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.

Thursday I was Super Mummy.  I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment.  I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.

Friday I was exhausted.  And irritable.  And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable.  By the end of the day I was just about done in.  Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.

Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2.  We danced together for about half and hour.  And I wasn't exhausted anymore....