I have been working with my husband on a new website for our church. It didn't take that long to develop, but it took an absolute age to get the thing on-line.
FINALLY!!! We've done it. Hooray!
It's here if you'd like a look:
Church Without Walls
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Tuesday 8 December 2009
Excited!!!!
We just got a form through the post this week, inviting us to an adoption preparation class in February. I sent it back today. I'm really excited!! I'm excited about the course. I'm excited about our friends and family writing and sending off their reference forms.
I know that for many people, all this bureaucratic stuff feels like a nuisance (and it may feel that way to us in a few months time - my patience with paperwork and processes is not great). For me, having spent 2 years waiting for it to start, it really feels wonderful! We are on our way at last!
It's also time to begin to think about what having kids would actually mean for us practically. I have deliberately resisted doing that because Andy's medical history could so easily have meant it wouldn't happen. I really wanted to take one day at a time. To have created the image of a family in my head for it then to be potentially dashed felt unwise. There is enough grief in the whole infertility experience already, without willfully adding to it, thank you very much. So it's only now that, tentatively, I'm starting to think about it.
And I'm really excited!
I know that for many people, all this bureaucratic stuff feels like a nuisance (and it may feel that way to us in a few months time - my patience with paperwork and processes is not great). For me, having spent 2 years waiting for it to start, it really feels wonderful! We are on our way at last!
It's also time to begin to think about what having kids would actually mean for us practically. I have deliberately resisted doing that because Andy's medical history could so easily have meant it wouldn't happen. I really wanted to take one day at a time. To have created the image of a family in my head for it then to be potentially dashed felt unwise. There is enough grief in the whole infertility experience already, without willfully adding to it, thank you very much. So it's only now that, tentatively, I'm starting to think about it.
And I'm really excited!
Tuesday 1 December 2009
Please pray for the Ugandan government
I was absolutely appalled to find out about the legislation before the Ugandan government. They are proposing to make life imprisonment the minimum penalty for gay sex and to impose the death sentence in certain cases. Full details in the article here:
www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/29/uganda-death-sentence-gay-sex
This is just wrong. As a follower of Jesus I am outraged and deeply saddened by this bigotry and ignorance. And incensed that people are using Christianity as a justification for such sinister and extreme homophobia. (Yes, I know that happens a lot.)
Please join me in praying that common sense prevails and this legislation gets thrown out.
www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/29/uganda-death-sentence-gay-sex
This is just wrong. As a follower of Jesus I am outraged and deeply saddened by this bigotry and ignorance. And incensed that people are using Christianity as a justification for such sinister and extreme homophobia. (Yes, I know that happens a lot.)
Please join me in praying that common sense prevails and this legislation gets thrown out.
Sunday 29 November 2009
Filling in forms - fun for all the family!
My parents came to visit this weekend, with one of my sisters and brought the adoption reference forms with them. They had spent some time together answering the questions. Mum said they decided they would do it separately and then exchange ideas. The thought of them sitting down together at the dining room table, answering questions on our behalf, was profoundly supportive. They'd written some really nice stuff about the sort of people we are and how we relate to children. The kind of thing you think about people and don't necessarily always say.
The other thing that was interesting is that they had remembered about things I'd done, in terms of working with kids over the years, that I had completely forgotten about. For several weeks one summer, in the summer holidays from University, for example, I had a job leading a play scheme for children and young people with learning disabilities. And I helped out at Sunday School as a teeenager for several years. Then, as we got talking, we both remembered loads of other things we've done. If we list everything, it comes out as quite a substantial inventory of experience. We've led children's work in Kosovo, visited orphanages in the Ukraine, set up youth groups for churches. I helped on a holiday for children with severe speech and language disorder one year. Andy's work with young offenders and teenagers with behavioural difficulties. Honestly, the list goes on and on.
They had also remembered things that we'd told them, that I wouldn't necessarily have expected them to remember. Like the fact that when our nieces came to stay one time, we put up a tent in the garden and camped out with them.
Mum looked at me and said, "you've got a lot of experience. More than most would have. More than we had when we had you." And I thought, 'yes, we have, actually.'
In fact, the whole thing was profoundly affirming and encouraging. Who'd have thought forms could be fun!
The other thing that was interesting is that they had remembered about things I'd done, in terms of working with kids over the years, that I had completely forgotten about. For several weeks one summer, in the summer holidays from University, for example, I had a job leading a play scheme for children and young people with learning disabilities. And I helped out at Sunday School as a teeenager for several years. Then, as we got talking, we both remembered loads of other things we've done. If we list everything, it comes out as quite a substantial inventory of experience. We've led children's work in Kosovo, visited orphanages in the Ukraine, set up youth groups for churches. I helped on a holiday for children with severe speech and language disorder one year. Andy's work with young offenders and teenagers with behavioural difficulties. Honestly, the list goes on and on.
They had also remembered things that we'd told them, that I wouldn't necessarily have expected them to remember. Like the fact that when our nieces came to stay one time, we put up a tent in the garden and camped out with them.
Mum looked at me and said, "you've got a lot of experience. More than most would have. More than we had when we had you." And I thought, 'yes, we have, actually.'
In fact, the whole thing was profoundly affirming and encouraging. Who'd have thought forms could be fun!
Saturday 21 November 2009
Forms....
Had a phone call from my Mum this week to say that they have received some forms from Staffordshire adoption agency. Quite lengthy apparently (what a surprise!!). This is interesting, as it is now 2 years since we first completed our application form and put down references. I don't actually remember who all the people are who we put as potential referees and they didn't tell us they were about to send out forms!!! I have a feeling one of our referrees is now living in South Africa.
It's so good to know they have started the process of gathering information though. It has been a very very long time coming!
It's so good to know they have started the process of gathering information though. It has been a very very long time coming!
Saturday 7 November 2009
Medical results! Hooray! I think....
It's now just about 2 years since Andy and I first decided to look into adoption and contacted our local agency. This Wednesday, absolutely sick to death of waiting for Staffordshire adoption service to get back to us following the medical Andy had in February, we went and met with an organisation called 'Adoption Focus'. They are a charity. So we sat and had another introductory conversation with an agency.
They have a preparation course running in March, and would expect us to be assessed within 8 months of the end of the course.
Then, would you believe it, we got home from our interview with Adoption Focus to a telephone message from Staffordshire to say that they've had Andy's medical assessed and are happy for us to move onto the next stage of the process! They have a course in February.
Suddenly, after months and months and months of nothing at all, things are looking possible within the next year or so.
Don't know how I feel really. Would have expected to be ecstatic. But we've had a slightly rough time adjusting to being back in the UK after our time in Africa and various other stresses. I wandered round our house the other day realising how completely ignorant we are of what we would be letting ourselves in for if we adopt. Realising just how used to being childless we are. Wondering if this is really such a good thing to do. Wondering how we'd cope. Wondering why we want to do it.
I think it's the shock of moving from a situation where we want to but we can't and it's a nice idea for some time in the future, to one where it's actually on the cards. I don't think we will fail an adoption assessment. We are, at least on paper, pretty reasonable candidates. It's now not likely, but not impossible, that this could be our last Christmas as a couple without kids.
It reminds me of the transition from dating Andy and talking about getting married at some point, to him actually proposing and having to say yes or no. I was really quite shell shocked (he popped the question whilst I was driving the car. We were on the A1M heading south, just north of Ferrybridge. I was in the middle lane.....). It was the moment of going from an idea to a planned reality and I panicked (not enough to crash the car, you'll be glad to hear) at the sudden realness of the situation. On a positive note, I said 'yes' and aside from deciding to follow Jesus, it was the best decision I ever made. We have had a wonderful 11 years. I shudder to think what I would have missed out on, had I said no.
They have a preparation course running in March, and would expect us to be assessed within 8 months of the end of the course.
Then, would you believe it, we got home from our interview with Adoption Focus to a telephone message from Staffordshire to say that they've had Andy's medical assessed and are happy for us to move onto the next stage of the process! They have a course in February.
Suddenly, after months and months and months of nothing at all, things are looking possible within the next year or so.
Don't know how I feel really. Would have expected to be ecstatic. But we've had a slightly rough time adjusting to being back in the UK after our time in Africa and various other stresses. I wandered round our house the other day realising how completely ignorant we are of what we would be letting ourselves in for if we adopt. Realising just how used to being childless we are. Wondering if this is really such a good thing to do. Wondering how we'd cope. Wondering why we want to do it.
I think it's the shock of moving from a situation where we want to but we can't and it's a nice idea for some time in the future, to one where it's actually on the cards. I don't think we will fail an adoption assessment. We are, at least on paper, pretty reasonable candidates. It's now not likely, but not impossible, that this could be our last Christmas as a couple without kids.
It reminds me of the transition from dating Andy and talking about getting married at some point, to him actually proposing and having to say yes or no. I was really quite shell shocked (he popped the question whilst I was driving the car. We were on the A1M heading south, just north of Ferrybridge. I was in the middle lane.....). It was the moment of going from an idea to a planned reality and I panicked (not enough to crash the car, you'll be glad to hear) at the sudden realness of the situation. On a positive note, I said 'yes' and aside from deciding to follow Jesus, it was the best decision I ever made. We have had a wonderful 11 years. I shudder to think what I would have missed out on, had I said no.
Tuesday 27 October 2009
The Gorilla Incident
I mentioned in my last post that I am still recovering from whiplash following an encounter with a gorilla. Tricia has requested more details. So here goes.
Whlst we were in Uganda, we decided to 'treat ourselves' to a gorilla tracking trip. In the mountain rainforests that border Uganda, Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo, are some many of the world's last remaining mountain gorillas (as in 'Gorillas in the Mist'). As part of the effort to protect these amazing creatures, money is raised for local communities and for conservation by charging small numbers of rich tourists large sums of money to track them, with guides, in the forest and then spend time with a group of gorillas that has been 'habituated' to human contact. There are only a few groups of gorillas that are visited by people in this way and they restrict contact to one hour a day by a maximum group of 8 people. This opportunity is in high demand, and usually you have to book 3 months in advance to do it.
Towards the end of our trip in Uganda, we desparately wanted to see some of the country, having spent nearly 4 weeks, in one of the most beautiful countries in Africa, in a village near Kampala. We expressed an interest in seeing the gorillas to someone who organises trips, and they managed to sort out a trek for us very quickly so we toured across Uganda (it was a 3 day trip) to see the gorillas. Every report we read on the net cited this as a truly amazing and wonderful experience.
For me, one of the most amazing things was just being in the rainforest. The scenery was just stunning. We spent the night before our gorilla encounter in a tent on a platform overlooking the rainforest. Truly beautiful.
The assailant.
The view from our campsite
Whlst we were in Uganda, we decided to 'treat ourselves' to a gorilla tracking trip. In the mountain rainforests that border Uganda, Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo, are some many of the world's last remaining mountain gorillas (as in 'Gorillas in the Mist'). As part of the effort to protect these amazing creatures, money is raised for local communities and for conservation by charging small numbers of rich tourists large sums of money to track them, with guides, in the forest and then spend time with a group of gorillas that has been 'habituated' to human contact. There are only a few groups of gorillas that are visited by people in this way and they restrict contact to one hour a day by a maximum group of 8 people. This opportunity is in high demand, and usually you have to book 3 months in advance to do it.
Towards the end of our trip in Uganda, we desparately wanted to see some of the country, having spent nearly 4 weeks, in one of the most beautiful countries in Africa, in a village near Kampala. We expressed an interest in seeing the gorillas to someone who organises trips, and they managed to sort out a trek for us very quickly so we toured across Uganda (it was a 3 day trip) to see the gorillas. Every report we read on the net cited this as a truly amazing and wonderful experience.
For me, one of the most amazing things was just being in the rainforest. The scenery was just stunning. We spent the night before our gorilla encounter in a tent on a platform overlooking the rainforest. Truly beautiful.
We trekked for a couple of hours through the forest until we came to our gorilla group. The first gorilla was just sitting in the bushes eating.
The second gorilla, a very large male, decided to 'play'. Apparently, a normal way of approaching an unknown gorilla, if you are a large male hoping to be a silverback one day, is to run at them and see if you can knock them over, thus proving who is strongest. We had strict instructions not to move, should a gorilla run at us. Apparently, running away would be seen as unfriendly and possibly provoke wrath on the part of the gorilla.
What happened next is a bit of a blur.... A very large male gorilla bounded down the hill towards us and quite high speed and knocked me over. Was standing at the top of a fairly steep slope at the time, so hit the ground backwards with some force. Scrambling to my feet bruised and muddied with a twisted ankle, sore head, sore chest and stiff neck, I couldn't help wondering which of us was endangered...
Spent the rest of our allegedly magical experience feeling somewhat shaken and rather scared. Was suddenly aware of how very large and strong these creatures are. Even the young gorillas we saw playing looked somewhat fearsome from where I was standing!!! Luckily, Andy took lots of pictures so I could relive the more magical bits away from the forest in the safety of our own living room!
Me, immediately post gorilla attack.
The assailant.
The view from our campsite
Thursday 15 October 2009
Back in the UK
We're back in the UK, after our Africa adventures. Had a great time as well as some hairy moments. I am still nursing a whiplash injury following an encounter with a mountain gorilla - how's that for an interesting injury? And Andy still has a swollen elbow following his encounter with a careless minibus driver in Kampala. I think my injury is more exciting!!
We rang Staffordshire adoption service when we got back. They still haven't got an answer for us from our medicals, which we had done in February. Andy was asking what the timescale would be if we were to pass the medical. They couldn't possibly tell us. Ho hum.
There is a new voluntary adoption agency appeared just down the road from us. Actually it's a re-incarnation of an old agency, called Father Hudson. Father Hudson was a Catholic agency and Catholic adoption agencies over here got into a bit of bother a while back because they were unwilling to consider gay couples. Discrimination on the grounds of sexuality is now specifically outlawed in the UK. So I suspect that's why they disappeared and have re-appeared in a different form. I'm only guessing mind. They now state that they accept applications from (amongst others) 'couples who have a civil partnership.' All their material looks very professional and I had a good conversation with someone. I'm very tempted to jump ship and try them. Andy just looked really tired when I suggested it and said "but we'd have to have a CRB check done again." I pointed out that actually we've only had a CRB check done with Birmingham (not counting the countless ones we've had for various work purposes). But I understand how he feels.
Andy did say the other day that if nothing has happened in a years time, he thinks we should call it quits. And for the first time, I said I agreed. We really can't carry on this waiting for nothing to happen forever. I think something will happen in the next year or so, if this is part of God's plan for us. And when I think of the children we met in Africa, and the times we were tired, and just spending a bit of time with some kids, fired us up again and gave us energy it makes me think we've got something to offer.
Andy fell in love with quite a few kids. Including a 14 year old girl and a 2 year old that Andy kept threatening to take home in his suitcase. And both our hearts were touched by a 17 year old girl we met in Uganda who we would happily have adopted. Then there was the day we were at a church service in South Africa (typical African, very loud and lasts about a week) and Andy got bored. I found him outside at the end, playing with a load of kids he'd befriended. He quite obviously felt much closer to God playing with the kids than he did in church. I know none of this is anything like having full time responsibility for children...
Anyway, we have information from Adoption Focus and I have written a rather pointed letter to Staffordshire, telling them we need to know what's happening and how long things are likely to take. So we'll see. In the meantime we're settling back into life on our home continent and getting on with things. Missing Africa but loving the warm showers and indoor flushing toilets!!!!!
We rang Staffordshire adoption service when we got back. They still haven't got an answer for us from our medicals, which we had done in February. Andy was asking what the timescale would be if we were to pass the medical. They couldn't possibly tell us. Ho hum.
There is a new voluntary adoption agency appeared just down the road from us. Actually it's a re-incarnation of an old agency, called Father Hudson. Father Hudson was a Catholic agency and Catholic adoption agencies over here got into a bit of bother a while back because they were unwilling to consider gay couples. Discrimination on the grounds of sexuality is now specifically outlawed in the UK. So I suspect that's why they disappeared and have re-appeared in a different form. I'm only guessing mind. They now state that they accept applications from (amongst others) 'couples who have a civil partnership.' All their material looks very professional and I had a good conversation with someone. I'm very tempted to jump ship and try them. Andy just looked really tired when I suggested it and said "but we'd have to have a CRB check done again." I pointed out that actually we've only had a CRB check done with Birmingham (not counting the countless ones we've had for various work purposes). But I understand how he feels.
Andy did say the other day that if nothing has happened in a years time, he thinks we should call it quits. And for the first time, I said I agreed. We really can't carry on this waiting for nothing to happen forever. I think something will happen in the next year or so, if this is part of God's plan for us. And when I think of the children we met in Africa, and the times we were tired, and just spending a bit of time with some kids, fired us up again and gave us energy it makes me think we've got something to offer.
Andy fell in love with quite a few kids. Including a 14 year old girl and a 2 year old that Andy kept threatening to take home in his suitcase. And both our hearts were touched by a 17 year old girl we met in Uganda who we would happily have adopted. Then there was the day we were at a church service in South Africa (typical African, very loud and lasts about a week) and Andy got bored. I found him outside at the end, playing with a load of kids he'd befriended. He quite obviously felt much closer to God playing with the kids than he did in church. I know none of this is anything like having full time responsibility for children...
Anyway, we have information from Adoption Focus and I have written a rather pointed letter to Staffordshire, telling them we need to know what's happening and how long things are likely to take. So we'll see. In the meantime we're settling back into life on our home continent and getting on with things. Missing Africa but loving the warm showers and indoor flushing toilets!!!!!
Saturday 27 June 2009
New Blog
I have decided to start a new blog, for our trip to Africa, and return to this one when we get home. So if you're interested, feel free to follow our Africa Adventure.
Friday 26 June 2009
Grabbing a bit of me time...
Well, we've got just 4 days before we'll be on the plane on our way to Africa. Andy had his last day at work today. The bags are packed. Passports etc are all organised. Andy is out at the pub with friends and I'm grabbing a bit of me time. Just chilling out by myself. I find I need to do that sometimes to stay sane.
Andy came home today with a broken tooth. Damaged whilst eating crisps. Crisps of all things!! You wouldn't think a crisp would break a tooth, would you? Not good timing, however. We've literally only got Monday for him to get it sorted out before we go. Luckily, a friend of our is a dentist and has agreed to look at it for him.
We eventually got a reply to my complaint to Birmingham adoption agency. They promised to take my comments into account, apologised for some things and gave lengthy and rambling explanations for others. Not quite sure what I expected from writing really. I did it thinking, "at least I will have raised the issues. What they do with it is up to them." So I've got what I set out to. But it doesn't change anything for us. Oh well...
Andy came home today with a broken tooth. Damaged whilst eating crisps. Crisps of all things!! You wouldn't think a crisp would break a tooth, would you? Not good timing, however. We've literally only got Monday for him to get it sorted out before we go. Luckily, a friend of our is a dentist and has agreed to look at it for him.
We eventually got a reply to my complaint to Birmingham adoption agency. They promised to take my comments into account, apologised for some things and gave lengthy and rambling explanations for others. Not quite sure what I expected from writing really. I did it thinking, "at least I will have raised the issues. What they do with it is up to them." So I've got what I set out to. But it doesn't change anything for us. Oh well...
Friday 12 June 2009
More replies from Birmingham...
Much to my amusement, I have now had a total of three, yes three, letters from Birmingham social services acknowledging my letter of complaint.
The first letter said that they had received my letter, apologies for any distress, and they would get back to me within 1o working days.
Two days later I had another letter saying much the same thing and promising to get back to me within 8 working days.
Now I've had a third letter which explains that as this is all rather complicated and the person they really want to talk to about it is on annual leave, they plan to get back to me on the 23rd June and I should contact them if this is not acceptable.
Staffordshire are still processing our medicals. Which were done in February. The system grinds slowly on...
The first letter said that they had received my letter, apologies for any distress, and they would get back to me within 1o working days.
Two days later I had another letter saying much the same thing and promising to get back to me within 8 working days.
Now I've had a third letter which explains that as this is all rather complicated and the person they really want to talk to about it is on annual leave, they plan to get back to me on the 23rd June and I should contact them if this is not acceptable.
Staffordshire are still processing our medicals. Which were done in February. The system grinds slowly on...
Monday 8 June 2009
Reply from Birmingham
I had an acknowledgement of my letter of complaint to Birmingham adoption service today. Only one of those brief 'we'll be dealing with your concerns just as soon as we can' letters. Made me feel a bit awkward really. Being British to the core, I don't really like being a complainant. Began thinking about how horrible it would be to be complained about.
Then took a deep breath and reminded myself why I wrote to them.
Then took a deep breath and reminded myself why I wrote to them.
Modelling Balloons and other trifles
I have just been buying modelling balloons on the internet for our trip. I am not exactly an accomplished balloon artist, but I can produce an elephant, a hat, a sword and a dog. Thankfully most small children are excited by balloons and not particularly discerning.
My most memorable balloon modelling experience was in Kosovo. We were there with a bunch of other Christians on a mission for two weeks. One evening, the local teenagers, to whom we'd been teaching English, were 'entertaining' us with Kosovan dancing. The missionary we were working with had been waxing lyrical about this evening of authentic local dancing since the moment we arrived. Despite the good press, it was truly dreadful. Appallingly turkish music and interminable shuffling sideways in a long line, following someone holding a white handkerchief. I'm not good with boredom or loud noise, so after about 20 minutes I felt that death would be a welcome distraction.
Then I spied a small number of younger children were hanging around the mission house, obviously feeling very left out. Not only did I really feel sorry for these kids, who (for reasons best known to themselves) were very disappointed to be missing out on the dancing, but I also spied an opportunity to legitimately escape the local entertainment. But what do you do to engage with children whose language you don't speak? Bad balloon modelling of course!! So me and the kids sat on the porch and I made balloon models.
And then the most bizarre thing happened. News spread! Suddenly, more and more children began to appear, requesting mishapen orange and green balloon dogs. We were suddenly the hottest gig in town. Grandparents were bringing their grandchildren to get balloon models. I had a string of people blowing ballooons up, so I could produce models faster in order to meet the demand. At one point, a family drew up in a car, sent their child out to get a balloon model and then drove off again. It was the most surreal evening of the whole trip.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm taking modelling balloons to Africa. You never know when you might need to have a conversation without words with a small person.
My most memorable balloon modelling experience was in Kosovo. We were there with a bunch of other Christians on a mission for two weeks. One evening, the local teenagers, to whom we'd been teaching English, were 'entertaining' us with Kosovan dancing. The missionary we were working with had been waxing lyrical about this evening of authentic local dancing since the moment we arrived. Despite the good press, it was truly dreadful. Appallingly turkish music and interminable shuffling sideways in a long line, following someone holding a white handkerchief. I'm not good with boredom or loud noise, so after about 20 minutes I felt that death would be a welcome distraction.
Then I spied a small number of younger children were hanging around the mission house, obviously feeling very left out. Not only did I really feel sorry for these kids, who (for reasons best known to themselves) were very disappointed to be missing out on the dancing, but I also spied an opportunity to legitimately escape the local entertainment. But what do you do to engage with children whose language you don't speak? Bad balloon modelling of course!! So me and the kids sat on the porch and I made balloon models.
And then the most bizarre thing happened. News spread! Suddenly, more and more children began to appear, requesting mishapen orange and green balloon dogs. We were suddenly the hottest gig in town. Grandparents were bringing their grandchildren to get balloon models. I had a string of people blowing ballooons up, so I could produce models faster in order to meet the demand. At one point, a family drew up in a car, sent their child out to get a balloon model and then drove off again. It was the most surreal evening of the whole trip.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm taking modelling balloons to Africa. You never know when you might need to have a conversation without words with a small person.
Monday 1 June 2009
29 Days to Go!
Well, it's 29 days and counting until we leave for Africa. And so much to do! All manageable, I'm sure...
Our schedule is now sorted. We're doing 4 weeks in Mpumalanga, South Africa, working with Youth for Christ, in schools and with orphans and vulnerable children for a local church. Then we're going to Pemba in Mozambique, to spend 3 weeks with Iris Ministries (they do simply amazing work with street kids and lots of other stuff besides), followed by 4 weeks in Entebbe, Uganda, working with a little charity called the Kabanda Trust. And finally, we're spending a week with friends in Cape Town. Just relaxing. Excitingly, I caught up with another old friend on Facebook the other week. He and his family used to live in Stoke on Trent and have now moved to South Africa, to a place called Mosel Bay. He's invited us to go and see them whilst we're in Cape Town. It would be a bit of a drive, but so lovely to meet up. And we'd get to see Mosel Bay...
There's quite a bit of stuff to do in order to leave my business in good order before we go. And it feels a bit of a wrench to leave Nightchurch, our clubbers ministry, just at the moment. We're shut for refurbishments, which I've been working quite hard to keep reasonably on track. I would like to see those finished before we go. And to be there for the week we re-open. Short of divine intervention, that's looking increasingly unlikely.
Doesn't look like anything else is going to happen on the adoption front before we go, either. We STILL haven't heard back about the medical exams we did for Staffordshire back in February. To be honest, I'm happy to leave that be until we come back from Africa. It would have been really nice to know before we went. Or not, I guess, depending what they say!!!
I wrote to Birmingham Social Services last week, to make an official complaint. It was long enough since it all happened for me to feel relatively sane about doing so. If they could avoid putting other people through what we went through, it would be good. At least having written, they have the information.
29 days to go! How exciting! How unnerving!!
Our schedule is now sorted. We're doing 4 weeks in Mpumalanga, South Africa, working with Youth for Christ, in schools and with orphans and vulnerable children for a local church. Then we're going to Pemba in Mozambique, to spend 3 weeks with Iris Ministries (they do simply amazing work with street kids and lots of other stuff besides), followed by 4 weeks in Entebbe, Uganda, working with a little charity called the Kabanda Trust. And finally, we're spending a week with friends in Cape Town. Just relaxing. Excitingly, I caught up with another old friend on Facebook the other week. He and his family used to live in Stoke on Trent and have now moved to South Africa, to a place called Mosel Bay. He's invited us to go and see them whilst we're in Cape Town. It would be a bit of a drive, but so lovely to meet up. And we'd get to see Mosel Bay...
There's quite a bit of stuff to do in order to leave my business in good order before we go. And it feels a bit of a wrench to leave Nightchurch, our clubbers ministry, just at the moment. We're shut for refurbishments, which I've been working quite hard to keep reasonably on track. I would like to see those finished before we go. And to be there for the week we re-open. Short of divine intervention, that's looking increasingly unlikely.
Doesn't look like anything else is going to happen on the adoption front before we go, either. We STILL haven't heard back about the medical exams we did for Staffordshire back in February. To be honest, I'm happy to leave that be until we come back from Africa. It would have been really nice to know before we went. Or not, I guess, depending what they say!!!
I wrote to Birmingham Social Services last week, to make an official complaint. It was long enough since it all happened for me to feel relatively sane about doing so. If they could avoid putting other people through what we went through, it would be good. At least having written, they have the information.
29 days to go! How exciting! How unnerving!!
Saturday 16 May 2009
Let's raise a toast to the kids!
There have been some fabulous documentaries on Channel 4 the last few weeks. They were called "Find me a Family" and have followed the journeys of a number of potential adopters. An adoption campaigner, David Akansanya, has been persuading potential adopters to consider some of the more difficult to place children. Although it's been a bit obviously edited for TV and for the "Aah" factor, it's been really interesting.
The frustrating bit is the clips of kids waiting to be adopted. I have to shout at the telly.
"Chantelle, Mary and John are waiting because they can't find a family who are willing to adopt all three of them together."
"WE WILL! WE WILL! CHOOSE US!"
"David and John are 5 and 3. No one will adopt them together so they have been waiting for 2 years."
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE. SO HAVE WE."
The inspiring thing is the kids.
The one I watched today followed a gay couple who keep horses and dogs. They were questioned by a panel of teenagers who have been adopted. The kids were brilliant! Although they asked questions about how they would support a child if the 'having two dads' thing became an issue amongst their peers, none of them were concerned about the gay issue at all. "It wouldn't bother me. So long as you're kind. And you both seem very nice," was the unanimous verdict. But they were searingly insightful about the fact that here was a couple who hadn't really considered how a child would fit into their very busy lives (they were much more realistic by the end). "They've got a very fixed idea about what the child needs to be like. They need to broaden their thinking," was the consensus, "because we can be difficult because of the stuff we've been through." They should have adopted kids on adoption panels for sure. In fact, why don't they?
The social worker kept asking what they would do if they were matched with a child who didn't like horses. Give me strength! I'd have said "Well don't match us with a child that doesn't like horses. Match us with one that likes animals. Match us with someone for whom being with horses will be therapeutic."
They also went to visit a young lad who was adopted age nine and has been with his parents for 2 years. He was able to talk really coherently about how it had taken time to build up trust in his parents and the difficulties he had controlling his anger to begin with. I know adults who couldn't speak as insightfully about their experiences and feelings as this lad.
Here's to the kids!
The frustrating bit is the clips of kids waiting to be adopted. I have to shout at the telly.
"Chantelle, Mary and John are waiting because they can't find a family who are willing to adopt all three of them together."
"WE WILL! WE WILL! CHOOSE US!"
"David and John are 5 and 3. No one will adopt them together so they have been waiting for 2 years."
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE. SO HAVE WE."
The inspiring thing is the kids.
The one I watched today followed a gay couple who keep horses and dogs. They were questioned by a panel of teenagers who have been adopted. The kids were brilliant! Although they asked questions about how they would support a child if the 'having two dads' thing became an issue amongst their peers, none of them were concerned about the gay issue at all. "It wouldn't bother me. So long as you're kind. And you both seem very nice," was the unanimous verdict. But they were searingly insightful about the fact that here was a couple who hadn't really considered how a child would fit into their very busy lives (they were much more realistic by the end). "They've got a very fixed idea about what the child needs to be like. They need to broaden their thinking," was the consensus, "because we can be difficult because of the stuff we've been through." They should have adopted kids on adoption panels for sure. In fact, why don't they?
The social worker kept asking what they would do if they were matched with a child who didn't like horses. Give me strength! I'd have said "Well don't match us with a child that doesn't like horses. Match us with one that likes animals. Match us with someone for whom being with horses will be therapeutic."
They also went to visit a young lad who was adopted age nine and has been with his parents for 2 years. He was able to talk really coherently about how it had taken time to build up trust in his parents and the difficulties he had controlling his anger to begin with. I know adults who couldn't speak as insightfully about their experiences and feelings as this lad.
Here's to the kids!
What do you do while you're waiting?
I don't mean "How do you keep occupied?" There's plenty to do! We're going to Africa for 3 months, for starters. I mean, what do you do with all that mix of emotion? Do you try and stay interested in the adoption thing, or do you push it to one side?
We're in another of those adoption process waiting periods. After our brief flurry of activity with Birmingham adoption agency, we're waiting again. This time for Staffordshire to complete medical stuff. It's really difficult to know how to handle this period of time constructively.
Last year, we were in a waiting phase almost all year. That time, waiting for Andy's tests to be completed so that we could proceed with the adoption medical. We'd been through the initial excitement of deciding we wanted to adopt, and then it all got put on hold. I just shoved it all to the back of my mind, on the grounds that it was easier than trying to stay keen and focussed, after all, there was nothing we could do. But then I got really emotionally confused. Did I want to adopt? Really? Could it really be possible that I actually wanted to, if I could so easily not think about it for so long?
Then, when we were at Greenbelt in August, I went to a seminar about adoption and fostering and spent the next 3 hours sobbing my heart out. Completely baffling explosion of emotion. Not terribly easy, but actually, in a bizarre way rather comforting to know that I did still care about it.
So this year, we're kind of back in the same situation again. Still waiting for medical clearance, with no idea how long it will take. This time, I'm staying interested and passionate. But careful not to let myself get too obsessive. Making sure I don't look at the "Be My Parent" website too often (sometimes it's hard to resist).
If / when we become parents, all this waiting will be a distant memory. And, I have a feeling, the traumas of the adoption process will be nothing compared with the challenges of actually being parents. Ha! Bring it on!
We're in another of those adoption process waiting periods. After our brief flurry of activity with Birmingham adoption agency, we're waiting again. This time for Staffordshire to complete medical stuff. It's really difficult to know how to handle this period of time constructively.
Last year, we were in a waiting phase almost all year. That time, waiting for Andy's tests to be completed so that we could proceed with the adoption medical. We'd been through the initial excitement of deciding we wanted to adopt, and then it all got put on hold. I just shoved it all to the back of my mind, on the grounds that it was easier than trying to stay keen and focussed, after all, there was nothing we could do. But then I got really emotionally confused. Did I want to adopt? Really? Could it really be possible that I actually wanted to, if I could so easily not think about it for so long?
Then, when we were at Greenbelt in August, I went to a seminar about adoption and fostering and spent the next 3 hours sobbing my heart out. Completely baffling explosion of emotion. Not terribly easy, but actually, in a bizarre way rather comforting to know that I did still care about it.
So this year, we're kind of back in the same situation again. Still waiting for medical clearance, with no idea how long it will take. This time, I'm staying interested and passionate. But careful not to let myself get too obsessive. Making sure I don't look at the "Be My Parent" website too often (sometimes it's hard to resist).
If / when we become parents, all this waiting will be a distant memory. And, I have a feeling, the traumas of the adoption process will be nothing compared with the challenges of actually being parents. Ha! Bring it on!
Flights are booked!!!
We booked our flights to Africa yesterday. How exciting!! We leave on the 30th June and will return on the 4th October. We're spending 4 weeks with Youth for Christ in South Africa (Mpumalanga), about 3 weeks in Pemba, Mozambique, with Iris Ministries and around 5 weeks in Uganda, with a little charity called the Kabanda Trust. Then we're finishing with a week's holiday in Cape Town, South Africa.
Andy found me this picture of the beach at Pemba.
Today we've been buying mosquito nets and quizzing my well travelled sister and brother in law about the best insect repellant and other handy hints. (They are exceptionally well travelled and have a blog to prove it: www.travbuddy.com/nidge76 Loads of fab pictures.)
Friday 8 May 2009
The website has loaded!
Hooray! Finally! My lovely Nightchurch website has loaded! Visit www.nightchurch.net to see it.
Thursday 7 May 2009
Birmingham says "no"...South Africa says "yes"!
At last. An answer from Birmingham adoption agency this evening. They have finally decided that we are too far outside their area to deal with. This is after we've been to Birmingham for 2 appointments, persuaded our lodgers to go to Birmingham to complete their CRB checks, filled in several forms and been in their system for weeks. Since way before Easter.
I have cried a bit. Am wondering how I'll cope if this all comes to nothing in the end and wondering if there's any point in all this. I suspect this will not be the last time I feel like this.
Now taking a deep breath. Thankfully we didn't formally withdraw from the process with Staffordshire. They are still processing our medicals. Will need lots and lots of patience. They are very very slow. But they do have lots of kids needing a family.
Good things.....
Went to a fabulous study day in Cardiff today. On Dyspraxia following stroke. Lovely to be learning and thinking.
We have heard from the organisation we're going to volunteer with in South Africa. Hooray! We'll be working in schools, with orphans and vulnerable children and with the childrens' programme in a local church. How cool is that?!!
Off to the pub now for curry church. We meet friends at a local hostelry for curry, prayer and conversation. It was really lovely last time. And God answered some prayers wonderfully.
I have cried a bit. Am wondering how I'll cope if this all comes to nothing in the end and wondering if there's any point in all this. I suspect this will not be the last time I feel like this.
Now taking a deep breath. Thankfully we didn't formally withdraw from the process with Staffordshire. They are still processing our medicals. Will need lots and lots of patience. They are very very slow. But they do have lots of kids needing a family.
Good things.....
Went to a fabulous study day in Cardiff today. On Dyspraxia following stroke. Lovely to be learning and thinking.
We have heard from the organisation we're going to volunteer with in South Africa. Hooray! We'll be working in schools, with orphans and vulnerable children and with the childrens' programme in a local church. How cool is that?!!
Off to the pub now for curry church. We meet friends at a local hostelry for curry, prayer and conversation. It was really lovely last time. And God answered some prayers wonderfully.
Tuesday 5 May 2009
More opportunities for serenity....!
It's Tuesday evening. Still no news from Birmingham about whether we are able to adopt with them or not. I will ring tomorrow. Practising grace in the meantime...
I completely revamped our Nightchurch website yesterday. It took ages, but I'm really pleased with the result.
I completely revamped our Nightchurch website yesterday. It took ages, but I'm really pleased with the result.
Saturday 2 May 2009
Learning serenity or losing the will to live?
Does dealing with the sometimes pointless and usually furstrating bureaucracy of adoption need to be destructive, or could it be something that God uses to help me to grow? This is a thought that has been floating about in my mind for a couple of weeks.
I have a real problem with processes that get in the way of achieving what is meant to be the goal. Particularly when they are administered by people who seem oblivious to the fact that they are counter productive and insist that they must be applied anyway. I feel compelled to point out the pointlessness and argue politely but vociferously that common sense demands that the process be laid aside in this instance. This almost always changes nothing and I end up feeling powerless and frustrated.
Some while back, I asked God what the point of patience is. It's listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit. It's a virtue that I have generally ignored. After all, being patient doesn't exactly get things done, does it? It's not really a 21st century virtue.
I am beginnning to see the point. One of the things about being impatient, is that one tends to see anyone who is getting in the way, not as a person but as an obstacle. Being patient in a supermarket queue, for example, allows space to notice people and even to be nice to them. I guess in the adoption process, being a bit more patient will help me to view the people we deal with - even the social workers - more compassionately.
I eventually rang the social worker on Thursday night, not having heard from her, at 7:30pm. She couldn't find out what the assessment team felt about us living in Stoke on Trent because she couldn't get into her email.
"I'll just have to ring them tomorrow."
Her tone of voice suggested that this was an extreme action, but one she was prepared to take on our behalf. So yesterday, I was waiting for the phone again. You know that dilemma, where someone has said they will ring, and you need to work out how long to leave it before you phone them? I'm thinking, 'I need to leave it long enough, that it doesn't look like I'm harassing her, but I need to ring early enough in the day, that she still has time to do something about it if we've slipped off her list.' In the end, I rang at about 11am, largely because I'd spoken to Andy, who was really very cross that we didn't know, when the lodgers were booked in to do their CRB checks the next day, and wanted me to ring immediately. He had a point, so I did.
I eventually spoke to the SW at lunchtime. She still doesn't have an answer for us. Apparently there are 3 teams of people who need to agree that us living in Stoke on Trent is OK. The screening team, the assessment team and the after care team. The screening team and the assessment team are OK with it. We're awaiting an answer from the after care team which we will get on Tuesday. Allegedly.
"But the lodgers are booked to go to Birmingham for their CRB check tomorrow. They could go, and it could turn out to be a waste of time. Can't we get an aswer today?"
Of course we can't. Her advice was to let them have the CRB check anyway. Given that they are travelling through Birmingham today anyway, that organising for them to go another time would be much more difficult than them doing it now, and that we're only waiting for one more team to say yes, it seemed like good advice. It was a relief to know we'd got as much information as we could this week and to decide to let it go.
Andy was really cross that we hadn't got an answer. "DIDN'T YOU TELL THEM WE NEED TO KNOW? THE LODGERS ARE GOING TO DO THEIR CRB CHECKS TOMORROW AND IT COULD BE A WASTE OF TIME!"
"Yes I did. I could have said it as many times as I liked, but it wasn't going to change anything."
I actually felt at peace about it. I'd done what I could do. Remember the AA prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It really makes sense.
I have a real problem with processes that get in the way of achieving what is meant to be the goal. Particularly when they are administered by people who seem oblivious to the fact that they are counter productive and insist that they must be applied anyway. I feel compelled to point out the pointlessness and argue politely but vociferously that common sense demands that the process be laid aside in this instance. This almost always changes nothing and I end up feeling powerless and frustrated.
Some while back, I asked God what the point of patience is. It's listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit. It's a virtue that I have generally ignored. After all, being patient doesn't exactly get things done, does it? It's not really a 21st century virtue.
I am beginnning to see the point. One of the things about being impatient, is that one tends to see anyone who is getting in the way, not as a person but as an obstacle. Being patient in a supermarket queue, for example, allows space to notice people and even to be nice to them. I guess in the adoption process, being a bit more patient will help me to view the people we deal with - even the social workers - more compassionately.
I eventually rang the social worker on Thursday night, not having heard from her, at 7:30pm. She couldn't find out what the assessment team felt about us living in Stoke on Trent because she couldn't get into her email.
"I'll just have to ring them tomorrow."
Her tone of voice suggested that this was an extreme action, but one she was prepared to take on our behalf. So yesterday, I was waiting for the phone again. You know that dilemma, where someone has said they will ring, and you need to work out how long to leave it before you phone them? I'm thinking, 'I need to leave it long enough, that it doesn't look like I'm harassing her, but I need to ring early enough in the day, that she still has time to do something about it if we've slipped off her list.' In the end, I rang at about 11am, largely because I'd spoken to Andy, who was really very cross that we didn't know, when the lodgers were booked in to do their CRB checks the next day, and wanted me to ring immediately. He had a point, so I did.
I eventually spoke to the SW at lunchtime. She still doesn't have an answer for us. Apparently there are 3 teams of people who need to agree that us living in Stoke on Trent is OK. The screening team, the assessment team and the after care team. The screening team and the assessment team are OK with it. We're awaiting an answer from the after care team which we will get on Tuesday. Allegedly.
"But the lodgers are booked to go to Birmingham for their CRB check tomorrow. They could go, and it could turn out to be a waste of time. Can't we get an aswer today?"
Of course we can't. Her advice was to let them have the CRB check anyway. Given that they are travelling through Birmingham today anyway, that organising for them to go another time would be much more difficult than them doing it now, and that we're only waiting for one more team to say yes, it seemed like good advice. It was a relief to know we'd got as much information as we could this week and to decide to let it go.
Andy was really cross that we hadn't got an answer. "DIDN'T YOU TELL THEM WE NEED TO KNOW? THE LODGERS ARE GOING TO DO THEIR CRB CHECKS TOMORROW AND IT COULD BE A WASTE OF TIME!"
"Yes I did. I could have said it as many times as I liked, but it wasn't going to change anything."
I actually felt at peace about it. I'd done what I could do. Remember the AA prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It really makes sense.
Thursday 30 April 2009
Sacred Space
If you're at all inclined to pray, and let's face it - most of us pray sometimes, I really recommend Sacred Space. There is a new meditation every day. Takes about 10 minutes. Fantastic!
Still Waiting
I eventually got to speak to the social worker. At 7:30pm. She still hasn't got an answer for us. Patience would be a really useful virtue at this point!
This is the canal near our house, where I go to feed the ducks.
Only 2 months to go!
Andy reminded me tonight that it's only 2 months until our African adventure. And there is still so much to organise! We have been busily saving money. Not enough yet, but we're getting there. Amazingly, we have had about £3k in tax rebates since the beginning of the year. I have a suspicion that God uses the inland revenue as a sort of saving scheme for us! This isn't the first time that we've needed money and a tax rebate has turned up at just the right moment.
Wednesday 29 April 2009
Ho Hum....
It's just becoming evening here, and the birds are singing their hearts out. The weather has been really British today. We've had rain of various types, from really heavy get totally drenched rain, to light summer rain where you can get away with just a cardigan for protection. There has also been patches of sun, general greyness and then, rather beautifully, when I needed to go to the post office round the corner, we had light rain and sunshine all at once! Now it's cloudy but quite bright. I love British weather. Completely unpredictable and almost completely devoid of anything seriously dangerous.
We're still waiting for Birmingham to decide if Stoke on Trent is close enough for them to accept us as potential adopters. I have been promised a phone call today before 8pm. Which means I've been really rather jumpy every time the phone has rung. The last couple of days I've been a bit low, to be honest. Struggling to work effectively. Feeling like I'm trudging through treacle.
While I'm saying in my mind, that whether we adopt or not, God has a good plan for us, that Birmingham Adoption Agency doesn't have the last word on our destiny etc etc... my heart hasn't quite caught up. The truth is, I really care about what happens. Whilst they've been beavering away at their paperwork without bothering us, I've been able to focus on other things. Not so this week. Ho hum...
We're still waiting for Birmingham to decide if Stoke on Trent is close enough for them to accept us as potential adopters. I have been promised a phone call today before 8pm. Which means I've been really rather jumpy every time the phone has rung. The last couple of days I've been a bit low, to be honest. Struggling to work effectively. Feeling like I'm trudging through treacle.
While I'm saying in my mind, that whether we adopt or not, God has a good plan for us, that Birmingham Adoption Agency doesn't have the last word on our destiny etc etc... my heart hasn't quite caught up. The truth is, I really care about what happens. Whilst they've been beavering away at their paperwork without bothering us, I've been able to focus on other things. Not so this week. Ho hum...
Saturday 25 April 2009
What????????
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. So I have opted mainly for laughing.
We had an unexpected call from Birmingham adoption services this morning. They had rung to remind us that our lodgers haven't had a CRB check yet. And to tell us that they can't proceed any further until that has happened. So I explained again that we are trying to move things forward, but actually it's quite difficult for them to get the time off work to come. It's a long way for something that isn't going to benefit them at all.
And then... I know I shouldn't have.... But I couldn't resist making the suggestion... Common sense overwhelmed me... "Given that you need to send a social worker to do the initial visit anyway, would it not make sense for them to do the CRB check with the lodgers whilst they are here? That way we get it done, and the lodgers don't have to make a 3 hour round trip." This moment of unrestrained logic won me a conversation with her manager.
"I can't possibly have my screening staff conducting CRB checks as well as screening. It would take them longer."
UH???
"No it wouldn't."
"Yes it would! CRB checks can take up to an hour!!"
"But you will have to do that, whether it's in Birmingham or in our house. In total, it won't take any longer."
"I can't have my screening staff doing CRB checks just because 2 young people can't get themselves here to do a CRB check."
And then.....
"I notice from your form that you live in Stoke on Trent. I need to tell you now that we may not be able to accept your application because you're out of our area."
WHATTTTT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????????????
"But you've known where we live from the beginning. You've known for weeks. We've been to Birmingham twice."
"Well I don't know why you weren't told before. And it's only fair of me to tell you now."
The mind boggles.
"Not only were we not told there might be a problem, we were positively encouraged to apply. We were sold the benefits of applying with Birmingham. At the information meeting we were told that people come from far and wide to adopt with Birmingham, because it's the biggest service in the country with the most expertise."
Spoke to the lodgers. They have rung Birmingham to find out when they can go and do the CRB check. They are available on the 2nd May, because they're travelling through Birmingham. It would be perfect. The agency couldn't tell them whether they would be able to go on the 2nd.
So I rang them back. Slightly cross that we'd been given an earful about our lodgers getting a CRB check when they have been making attempts to make it happen and have met with unhelpfulness.
"They were given the right information. We haven't decided if we're opening on the 2nd May yet. "
Give me strength!
There are to be discussions with a higher manager. They will tell us on Tuesday whether they are prepared to proceed with our application or not. And, if they are, whether they are opening on the 2nd May or not.
Is this normal?
We had an unexpected call from Birmingham adoption services this morning. They had rung to remind us that our lodgers haven't had a CRB check yet. And to tell us that they can't proceed any further until that has happened. So I explained again that we are trying to move things forward, but actually it's quite difficult for them to get the time off work to come. It's a long way for something that isn't going to benefit them at all.
And then... I know I shouldn't have.... But I couldn't resist making the suggestion... Common sense overwhelmed me... "Given that you need to send a social worker to do the initial visit anyway, would it not make sense for them to do the CRB check with the lodgers whilst they are here? That way we get it done, and the lodgers don't have to make a 3 hour round trip." This moment of unrestrained logic won me a conversation with her manager.
"I can't possibly have my screening staff conducting CRB checks as well as screening. It would take them longer."
UH???
"No it wouldn't."
"Yes it would! CRB checks can take up to an hour!!"
"But you will have to do that, whether it's in Birmingham or in our house. In total, it won't take any longer."
"I can't have my screening staff doing CRB checks just because 2 young people can't get themselves here to do a CRB check."
And then.....
"I notice from your form that you live in Stoke on Trent. I need to tell you now that we may not be able to accept your application because you're out of our area."
WHATTTTT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????????????
"But you've known where we live from the beginning. You've known for weeks. We've been to Birmingham twice."
"Well I don't know why you weren't told before. And it's only fair of me to tell you now."
The mind boggles.
"Not only were we not told there might be a problem, we were positively encouraged to apply. We were sold the benefits of applying with Birmingham. At the information meeting we were told that people come from far and wide to adopt with Birmingham, because it's the biggest service in the country with the most expertise."
Spoke to the lodgers. They have rung Birmingham to find out when they can go and do the CRB check. They are available on the 2nd May, because they're travelling through Birmingham. It would be perfect. The agency couldn't tell them whether they would be able to go on the 2nd.
So I rang them back. Slightly cross that we'd been given an earful about our lodgers getting a CRB check when they have been making attempts to make it happen and have met with unhelpfulness.
"They were given the right information. We haven't decided if we're opening on the 2nd May yet. "
Give me strength!
There are to be discussions with a higher manager. They will tell us on Tuesday whether they are prepared to proceed with our application or not. And, if they are, whether they are opening on the 2nd May or not.
Is this normal?
Monday 20 April 2009
Squeaky Clean!
We've had our CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) checks back. It's official! We are not criminals!!
We're still waiting for the lodgers to get round to having their checks done, so that we can move on with the process. Tricky really. On the one hand, it's a huge ask - particularly as they have to go to Birmingham to have it done. On the other hand, they have said that they would. And it would be really good to be able to move on with the process.
Ho humm.....
We're still waiting for the lodgers to get round to having their checks done, so that we can move on with the process. Tricky really. On the one hand, it's a huge ask - particularly as they have to go to Birmingham to have it done. On the other hand, they have said that they would. And it would be really good to be able to move on with the process.
Ho humm.....
Sunday 12 April 2009
The Man With No Trousers
He is Risen! Happy Easter!
Just before Easter, my friend Marg sent me a meditation from a Good Friday sermon. It's from a book of sermons by a lady who is an Episcopalian minister in New York. She did tell me the name of the author, but I've forgotten. It's wonderful. Here's a snippet...
Just before Easter, my friend Marg sent me a meditation from a Good Friday sermon. It's from a book of sermons by a lady who is an Episcopalian minister in New York. She did tell me the name of the author, but I've forgotten. It's wonderful. Here's a snippet...
"During the Persian Gulf War, one of the New Yorker writers was reminded of an incident described by George Orwell during the Spanish civil War. Orwell wrote from the front lines that he saw a man from the opposing, fascist, forces jump out of the trench and run along the parapet in full view, presumably carrying a message to an officer. He had notheing on but a pair of ill-fitting trousers, which he held up with one hand as he ran. Orwell wrote, "I refrained from shooting him....I had come there to shoot at fascists, but a man who is holding up his trousers isnt' a fascist, he is visibly a fellow creature, similar to yourself, and you don't feel like shooting him."
When God looks at us, he does not see titles, bank accounts, club memberships, vacation homes, net worth. He sess frail, vulnerable creatures trying to cover up our spiritual nakendness. Whe Jesus came down from heaven to live among us, he lived among us at that level. The Son of God gave up all his divine perogatives and caome into the world to be a fellow creature with us in our deepest need. We were God's enemies, deserving of death; but he looked at us trying to hold up our trousers with one hand and declared that we were not enemies but friends.
And, Isaiah continues, 'The Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all'. As Jesus went to the Cross, even his trousers were taken away from him. He was denied even this last shred of decency. He enters the world of dereliction and disgrace, the man with no trousers and he does it for the love of his enemies - that is to say, he does it for love of us."
Saturday 4 April 2009
sun shine
We're just back from a lovely holiday with friends in Dorset, and the sun is shining here. I will have to go and feed the ducks on the canal before it gets cold and dark.
We're working hard to raise money for our trip to Africa in the summer, and to finalise arrangements. We want to go to Uganda, South Africa and Mozambique, to do work with kids. It looks as if organising transport within Africa is going to be something of a challenge. I don't think Easy Jet cover it....!
The lodgers haven't had their CRB checks yet. Interestingly, though, we had a letter from Birmingham to apologise for not allocating us a social worker yet for a screening visit, but saying they'll do it as soon as possible. I can only guess there's been a clerical error and we've slipped through without the CRB checks for the lodgers. It would be fun to actually benefit from a clerical error!!! I suspect they will realise their mistake soon.
I have decided to chill out about the adoption thing until we're back from Africa. There's loads to do before we go and although I would have liked to have got further on our adoption journey before we leave for the summer, it's probably not worth the emotional energy needed to chase things up. I will therefore let the wheels of bureaucracy trundle. If anything progresses before we leave, that's great, if not, we'll just pick things up when we get back.
Right. Off to feed some ducks!
We're working hard to raise money for our trip to Africa in the summer, and to finalise arrangements. We want to go to Uganda, South Africa and Mozambique, to do work with kids. It looks as if organising transport within Africa is going to be something of a challenge. I don't think Easy Jet cover it....!
The lodgers haven't had their CRB checks yet. Interestingly, though, we had a letter from Birmingham to apologise for not allocating us a social worker yet for a screening visit, but saying they'll do it as soon as possible. I can only guess there's been a clerical error and we've slipped through without the CRB checks for the lodgers. It would be fun to actually benefit from a clerical error!!! I suspect they will realise their mistake soon.
I have decided to chill out about the adoption thing until we're back from Africa. There's loads to do before we go and although I would have liked to have got further on our adoption journey before we leave for the summer, it's probably not worth the emotional energy needed to chase things up. I will therefore let the wheels of bureaucracy trundle. If anything progresses before we leave, that's great, if not, we'll just pick things up when we get back.
Right. Off to feed some ducks!
Tuesday 10 March 2009
God bless the lodgers!!
Preaching went really well on Sunday morning. Managed to put a sermon together once I stopped trying to feel up beat and Christian, and just wrote from the place I was at.
Stayed and had lunch with Marg, the minister from the church I was visitting. It was just so good to get away from everything, and Marg is just wonderful. Really helped me get some perspective back.
Decided yesterday to ask the lodgers if they would mind going to Birmingham to have a CRB check. Having reflected, I thought actually, Andy and I would be more than happy to go and do a CRB check if someone was in our position and needed us to. So despite the fact that it felt like an outrageous request, we asked anyway. And they are more than happy to help out. Bless them!
Stayed and had lunch with Marg, the minister from the church I was visitting. It was just so good to get away from everything, and Marg is just wonderful. Really helped me get some perspective back.
Decided yesterday to ask the lodgers if they would mind going to Birmingham to have a CRB check. Having reflected, I thought actually, Andy and I would be more than happy to go and do a CRB check if someone was in our position and needed us to. So despite the fact that it felt like an outrageous request, we asked anyway. And they are more than happy to help out. Bless them!
Saturday 7 March 2009
CRB Checking and Other Lunacy - A Rant.
Back in Birmingham again on Friday afternoon. The traffic along the M6 is truly horrid on a Friday, so it wasn't nearly as quiet a journey this time. We were both working in the morning and we decided to carry on south after our appointment to see my parents. Dad is in hospital having just had a hip operation. He really doesn't like hospitals, so this was a big deal for him and I really wanted to go and spend some time with the folks. That meant everything was a bit of a rush, as we needed to find lots of documentation proving that we are who we say we are and that we live where we say we live, and have clean undies etc for Saturday.
It was Julie, the social worker who led the meeting last week, that took our details. We'd taken loads of information, so that was all fine. Then we needed to complete what they call a "resource offer form" which tells them a bit about us and the children we'd like to adopt. It made it all seem very real. We said between 2 and 4 children (I'd really like 3), aged between 2 and 9, though we're pretty flexible about that really.
The spectre of the lodgers needing criminal record bureau (CRB) checks then raised its head again. We explained that although we have people living here temporarily at the moment, they would not be here if we adopted several children (A - there wouldn't be room and B - it simply wouldn't be sensible to have lodgers and new children all in the house at once). Julie said not to worry, she understood what we were saying and we should talk this through with the social worker who does the screening visit. So we left feeling really positive.
Then we got a call today from Julie. She's spoken to her senior. The rules are absolute. They will not proceed any further with the process unless either the lodgers are CRB checked or they move out. And CRB checking has to happen in Birmingham. Which is at least a 3 hour round trip. This just feels like a ridiculous request to have to make of someone. Particularly at this stage when we don't even know if Andy will pass the medical yet. I have suggested to Julie that we should get this done first. She's going to get back to me. Something tells me the system is unlikely to be flexible.
We'd thought things out. Have lodgers this year, to help raise some money so we can go to Africa in the summer and work with kids. Start the adoption process now, and finish it in the autumn. When we know whether we are approved as adopters or not, we can re-mould our home to make it ready for our family (or not). I really don't mind WHAT we have to do at that point. But they haven't even screened us to see if they will accept us as adoptive APPLICANTS yet. We're not even approved to be assessed. We are months and months away from anything being decided.
So either we put everything on hold until after Africa, or we ask the lodgers to go to Birmingham to fill in the forms to complete a police check for no reason except that it is the next box on the flow chart for Birmingham adoption agency, or we ask them to move out.
I hate mindless processes. I detest that disempowering feeling of being steamrollered by systems that have absolutely nothing to do with the real job in hand. I remember the time when Andy was in hospital, and had missed a round of painkillers because he was seeing someone somewhere else in the hospital and then the nurse wouldn't give him any because his drug chart was elsewhere in the building. It was about a 5 minute walk to fetch it. My husband was in lots of pain. But he didn't get his medication. The system of drug administration wouldn't allow it.
I know we'll get some perspective back and make a decision in a couple of days, but right now I am really really upset. And I'm preaching tomorrow morning. I still need to prepare. Help!!
It was Julie, the social worker who led the meeting last week, that took our details. We'd taken loads of information, so that was all fine. Then we needed to complete what they call a "resource offer form" which tells them a bit about us and the children we'd like to adopt. It made it all seem very real. We said between 2 and 4 children (I'd really like 3), aged between 2 and 9, though we're pretty flexible about that really.
The spectre of the lodgers needing criminal record bureau (CRB) checks then raised its head again. We explained that although we have people living here temporarily at the moment, they would not be here if we adopted several children (A - there wouldn't be room and B - it simply wouldn't be sensible to have lodgers and new children all in the house at once). Julie said not to worry, she understood what we were saying and we should talk this through with the social worker who does the screening visit. So we left feeling really positive.
Then we got a call today from Julie. She's spoken to her senior. The rules are absolute. They will not proceed any further with the process unless either the lodgers are CRB checked or they move out. And CRB checking has to happen in Birmingham. Which is at least a 3 hour round trip. This just feels like a ridiculous request to have to make of someone. Particularly at this stage when we don't even know if Andy will pass the medical yet. I have suggested to Julie that we should get this done first. She's going to get back to me. Something tells me the system is unlikely to be flexible.
We'd thought things out. Have lodgers this year, to help raise some money so we can go to Africa in the summer and work with kids. Start the adoption process now, and finish it in the autumn. When we know whether we are approved as adopters or not, we can re-mould our home to make it ready for our family (or not). I really don't mind WHAT we have to do at that point. But they haven't even screened us to see if they will accept us as adoptive APPLICANTS yet. We're not even approved to be assessed. We are months and months away from anything being decided.
So either we put everything on hold until after Africa, or we ask the lodgers to go to Birmingham to fill in the forms to complete a police check for no reason except that it is the next box on the flow chart for Birmingham adoption agency, or we ask them to move out.
I hate mindless processes. I detest that disempowering feeling of being steamrollered by systems that have absolutely nothing to do with the real job in hand. I remember the time when Andy was in hospital, and had missed a round of painkillers because he was seeing someone somewhere else in the hospital and then the nurse wouldn't give him any because his drug chart was elsewhere in the building. It was about a 5 minute walk to fetch it. My husband was in lots of pain. But he didn't get his medication. The system of drug administration wouldn't allow it.
I know we'll get some perspective back and make a decision in a couple of days, but right now I am really really upset. And I'm preaching tomorrow morning. I still need to prepare. Help!!
Thursday 5 March 2009
Meeting in Birmingham
We went for our meeting in Birmingham on Saturday. There were about 4 other couples there. We watched a DVD about Birmingham adoption service and then the social worker who led the meeting talked us through the process. There was no new information really and I'd already watched the DVD because they sent a copy in the post. It was still good to meet other people intent on walking the same path as us.
There was one couple who were starting the approval process again with Birmingham. They were approved with Barnardos about 2 1/2 years ago, but have still not been matched with a child. How frustrating must that be... It makes me think that Birmingham might be a good idea just because they have so many children waiting for adoption. About 150 at any one time, apparently.
Inevitably, there were details of children waiting for adoption. There were 2 groups of 3 siblings that really caught my eye. And tugged at my heart strings. A mix of boys and girls in each case. The other thing that really moved me was hearing about teenagers who have been in care and then become pregnant and are unable to cope.
I came away more certain about wanting to adopt and more sure that I have no idea what we're letting ourselves into!
There was one couple who were starting the approval process again with Birmingham. They were approved with Barnardos about 2 1/2 years ago, but have still not been matched with a child. How frustrating must that be... It makes me think that Birmingham might be a good idea just because they have so many children waiting for adoption. About 150 at any one time, apparently.
Inevitably, there were details of children waiting for adoption. There were 2 groups of 3 siblings that really caught my eye. And tugged at my heart strings. A mix of boys and girls in each case. The other thing that really moved me was hearing about teenagers who have been in care and then become pregnant and are unable to cope.
I came away more certain about wanting to adopt and more sure that I have no idea what we're letting ourselves into!
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Excited!
Andy has just organised for us to go to a meeting about adoption in Birmingham. I am really pleased! I had just about run out of energy for this stuff so Andy having some energy to drive things a bit is just great. It will feel real to go down to Birmingham and meet other people starting out on the same path. How exciting!
Monday 23 February 2009
LLandudno
Andy and I went to the sea side! We had a day off today and decided last night, after church, that we'd like to go to the sea side, so we did. We stayed in a lovely B and B in LLandudno, North Wales. It was so good to get away and have some time together.
We've been reading a book by Heidi Baker. Really challenging. She is a completely amazing woman. Made us realise just how much further there is to go with God... And how poor we are in the west, spiritually.
We've been reading a book by Heidi Baker. Really challenging. She is a completely amazing woman. Made us realise just how much further there is to go with God... And how poor we are in the west, spiritually.
Saturday 21 February 2009
Nightchurch
Andy and I co-ordinate and lead this mad and exciting thing called Nightchurch. Our church, Church Without Walls, uses a shop unit which is in the city centre in a street between the pubs and the main night clubs in town. It's all cosy with coffee tables and sofas and on a Friday night we open it up as a drop in / sacred space for anybody who wants to come in. We start at 10:30pm and shut between 3 and 4am on a Saturday. The vision is to provide hospitality and to allow God to reach and touch people as we create a safe space in which that can happen.
It is such a huge honour to be invited by God to join in His mission to reach out to people. And it amazes me every time how many people really are spiritually hungry and seeking something more. We don't do pushy evangelism at all. We don't need to. The guests start the conversations about life and God and we just join in. It's fantastic!
Two weeks ago, a girl came along and was really blessed and touched by God. She came along to church the Sunday after and was back again last night. She joined the team for the pre-nightchurch prayers and was simply radiant with God! It was uplifting just to be with her!
We're starting to get quite a crowd of people who know us and keep coming back. There was quite a lot of heated debate yesterday and some really productive discussions as well. Including a couple of conversations with people genuinely searching for God and wanting to know more. And half a dozen people from the Czech Republic who are Christians and like singing about God. One had a fantastic voice!
It is such a huge honour to be invited by God to join in His mission to reach out to people. And it amazes me every time how many people really are spiritually hungry and seeking something more. We don't do pushy evangelism at all. We don't need to. The guests start the conversations about life and God and we just join in. It's fantastic!
Two weeks ago, a girl came along and was really blessed and touched by God. She came along to church the Sunday after and was back again last night. She joined the team for the pre-nightchurch prayers and was simply radiant with God! It was uplifting just to be with her!
We're starting to get quite a crowd of people who know us and keep coming back. There was quite a lot of heated debate yesterday and some really productive discussions as well. Including a couple of conversations with people genuinely searching for God and wanting to know more. And half a dozen people from the Czech Republic who are Christians and like singing about God. One had a fantastic voice!
Marital Unbliss
Andy and I have been so ratty with each other this week. Trying to give up smoking makes him grumpy and causes horrid mood swings, which I recognise instantly as nicotine withdrawal. We will not be allowed to adopt a child under the age of 5 if Andy smokes. The limit was 4 when we started the process. Although we're not wanting a baby, I really don't want to be faced with that sort of age restriction. And it will only be a matter of time, I'm sure, before smokers are not allowed to adopt at all. The fact he's not managing to stay 100% cigarette free makes me feel grumpy/angry/upset/desperate/despairing/depressed/powerless/frustrated/enraged/needing to smash things. All of which I try very hard not to express because it really doesn't help.
The questions about whether or not to go to Africa and Andy's job security being in question and adoption agency frustrations don't help either. All in all the Cowell household has not been pleasant place to be!
The questions about whether or not to go to Africa and Andy's job security being in question and adoption agency frustrations don't help either. All in all the Cowell household has not been pleasant place to be!
Afirca - decisions decisions
We decided, before Christmas, that we were going to spend this summer in Africa (July, August, September) to work with kids and young people. Andy had been asking whether as a Christian one should be living to work or working to live and God said, basically, the answer is neither. Live to give. What a fantastic mission statement for life!
So from that came the decision to take some time out and go to Africa.
It all seemed fairly simple, once I came to terms with leaving my fledgling business for a whole 3 months. Particularly as Andy's employer has a sabbatical policy, whereby employees can take a period of unpaid leave of up to 2 years so long as they give a months notice and negotiate it with their manager (how incredibly generous is that!!!).
The drugs service Andy works for, however, has just lost its contract and department is being taken over by a different organisation in May, which doesn't have a sabbatical policy and only allows unpaid leave in emergencies.
Tricky decisions to make then. Andy felt called to go away to serve. I thought it would be a great thing to do. Left with the prospect of Andy having to give up his job in order to do it and therefore neither of us having secure employment when we come back, ups the stakes a bit. We're going to need to raise a lot of money just to go and to keep things in order here whilst we're gone. If part of our life's mission is to adopt children, I really don't want us to jeopardise it by throwing away our financial security at the beginning of the process. That would seem irresponsible. Not going to Africa just out of fear about money would seem equally dumb. We don't know for sure that God wants us to adopt. Perhaps he has another plan entirely.
Anyway. We've thought and talked and prayed. Don't know what God's plan is. We've decided we will go to Africa, unless God makes it clear that we shouldn't.
After we'd made the decision, Andy's current manager told him that she has been negotiating on his behalf to see if the new organisation will allow him to take a sabbatical. No promises yet, she says. The fact she's negotiating at all is really encouraging.
So here we are trusting God and trying to be sensible!
So from that came the decision to take some time out and go to Africa.
It all seemed fairly simple, once I came to terms with leaving my fledgling business for a whole 3 months. Particularly as Andy's employer has a sabbatical policy, whereby employees can take a period of unpaid leave of up to 2 years so long as they give a months notice and negotiate it with their manager (how incredibly generous is that!!!).
The drugs service Andy works for, however, has just lost its contract and department is being taken over by a different organisation in May, which doesn't have a sabbatical policy and only allows unpaid leave in emergencies.
Tricky decisions to make then. Andy felt called to go away to serve. I thought it would be a great thing to do. Left with the prospect of Andy having to give up his job in order to do it and therefore neither of us having secure employment when we come back, ups the stakes a bit. We're going to need to raise a lot of money just to go and to keep things in order here whilst we're gone. If part of our life's mission is to adopt children, I really don't want us to jeopardise it by throwing away our financial security at the beginning of the process. That would seem irresponsible. Not going to Africa just out of fear about money would seem equally dumb. We don't know for sure that God wants us to adopt. Perhaps he has another plan entirely.
Anyway. We've thought and talked and prayed. Don't know what God's plan is. We've decided we will go to Africa, unless God makes it clear that we shouldn't.
After we'd made the decision, Andy's current manager told him that she has been negotiating on his behalf to see if the new organisation will allow him to take a sabbatical. No promises yet, she says. The fact she's negotiating at all is really encouraging.
So here we are trusting God and trying to be sensible!
Tuesday 17 February 2009
Agencies
Andy and I have now had our medicals with our lovely GP. Just waiting for the verdict on that from Staffordshire. We've also had some more information from Birmingham, including a DVD about adoption. Andy spoke to someone at work who thinks that Birmingham are really good.
She does fostering for them. They have about 150 children waiting for adoption at any one time, half of whom are part of sibling groups.
Do we stick with Staffs, or do we try somewhere else? I really don't know what to do any more. Birmingham's information seems really good. The person I spoke to, however, was deeply annoying. Although to be fair, that doesn't separate her from anyone else I spoke to at adoption agencies that week! Lots of kids sounds like there's the possibility of a good match. Apparently if we swap, the new agency will probably want its own medical doing.
To have actually completed our medicals feels like a good step forwards. Goodness knows how long Staffs will take to come to a decision, mind. And if we were to start the process with somewhere else, our current medicals would probably have to be re-done anyway. It will be good to get an opinion as to whether we would be seen as fit medically to adopt.
P'raps we'll wait and get the medical back and then decide...
She does fostering for them. They have about 150 children waiting for adoption at any one time, half of whom are part of sibling groups.
Do we stick with Staffs, or do we try somewhere else? I really don't know what to do any more. Birmingham's information seems really good. The person I spoke to, however, was deeply annoying. Although to be fair, that doesn't separate her from anyone else I spoke to at adoption agencies that week! Lots of kids sounds like there's the possibility of a good match. Apparently if we swap, the new agency will probably want its own medical doing.
To have actually completed our medicals feels like a good step forwards. Goodness knows how long Staffs will take to come to a decision, mind. And if we were to start the process with somewhere else, our current medicals would probably have to be re-done anyway. It will be good to get an opinion as to whether we would be seen as fit medically to adopt.
P'raps we'll wait and get the medical back and then decide...
Tuesday 10 February 2009
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Two conversations with adoption agencies today. The first was with Birmingham social services, who I accidentally contacted last week, because barnardos (a charity) gave me their number. Their process seems to have extra bureaucracy. You have to go to a meeting about adoption before having the initial meeting with the social worker, then they want a CRB check to ensure we're not criminals, before we start the training. And there seems to be endless different allocation of social workers. And they would want to do a CRB check on our lodgers.
"The lodgers won't be with us if we have children."
"But they are there now."
"Yes, but if we get approved, we won't have lodgers in the house."
"Because they are there now, we would have to investigate them."
Plus they are in Birmingham, which is about an hour away. On the positive side, they're not short of social workers at present.
Then spoke to the Together Trust again. They sounded really positive last week. The guy I spoke to today doesn't want to do anything at all if we're going to Africa in the summer, until after we come back. Because it "would make the process disjointed". Like it's not already. But he seems to think that once we started the process it would be finished fairly quickly, because they are a small organisation.
I know that in a couple of days (or even hours) I will calm down. But right now I want to throw things. I knew someone once who drove to the top of a large hill when feeling like this and screamed. Perhaps it's worth a try. Spoke to Andy who laughed and said that if I'm frustrated by the red tape now, before we've even started the assessment process, just wait until we do. "You're not even on the road of red tape yet." he said. "THAT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THE RED TAPE. I CAN'T GET TO THE ROAD OF RED TAPE BECAUSE OF ALL THE RED TAPE IN THE WAY." I replied calmly.
Why is it that wanting to provide a home for children who need security and love and to be treated like people involves a process that feels so utterly dehumanising? I'm actually looking forward to the assessment process (yes, I know, famous last words) and the training. I think it ought to be good preparation for us. This wandering around in circles is driving me nuts.
"The lodgers won't be with us if we have children."
"But they are there now."
"Yes, but if we get approved, we won't have lodgers in the house."
"Because they are there now, we would have to investigate them."
Plus they are in Birmingham, which is about an hour away. On the positive side, they're not short of social workers at present.
Then spoke to the Together Trust again. They sounded really positive last week. The guy I spoke to today doesn't want to do anything at all if we're going to Africa in the summer, until after we come back. Because it "would make the process disjointed". Like it's not already. But he seems to think that once we started the process it would be finished fairly quickly, because they are a small organisation.
I know that in a couple of days (or even hours) I will calm down. But right now I want to throw things. I knew someone once who drove to the top of a large hill when feeling like this and screamed. Perhaps it's worth a try. Spoke to Andy who laughed and said that if I'm frustrated by the red tape now, before we've even started the assessment process, just wait until we do. "You're not even on the road of red tape yet." he said. "THAT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THE RED TAPE. I CAN'T GET TO THE ROAD OF RED TAPE BECAUSE OF ALL THE RED TAPE IN THE WAY." I replied calmly.
Why is it that wanting to provide a home for children who need security and love and to be treated like people involves a process that feels so utterly dehumanising? I'm actually looking forward to the assessment process (yes, I know, famous last words) and the training. I think it ought to be good preparation for us. This wandering around in circles is driving me nuts.
Saturday 7 February 2009
"Granma"
Updated my Mum today about our possible new adoption agency. Got a lovely text back signed "From the potential granma". Can't quite explain how good it feels to know that she shares something of my hopefulness and is rooting for us on this journey.
Friday 6 February 2009
Possibilities?
Andy did some more internet surfing this morning for agencies and passed me a couple of numbers to contact. Barnardoes, who passed me onto Birmingham local authority, and Together Trust. I had a really good conversation with them. She says that their process takes an average of 4-6 months from the initial meeting. "It is a long process," she said apologetically. "You have no idea how reasonable 4-6 months sounds!" I told her.
Talk about a roller coaster. Now I'm feeling cheery and optimistic again.
Talk about a roller coaster. Now I'm feeling cheery and optimistic again.
Agencies and Eyebrows..
The last 24 hours have been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. After my conversation with Staffordshire yesterday morning, Andy rang Stoke on Trent and Cheshire authorities. He called me at lunchtime, quite excited, because he'd had a really positive conversation with someone from Stoke. The social worker promised to ring him back later in the afternoon.
By the evening, we'd heard back from Cheshire to say that they won't deal with people who don't live in Cheshire and from Stoke who would be interested, but who wouldn't accept us because of Andy's job. He works with drug users, quite a number of whom have children with child protection issues. They felt there would be a conflict of interests.
Great. So Cheshire won't have us because we don't live in Cheshire and Stoke won't have us because Andy works in Stoke. Why does this have to be so difficult? And we haven't even got as far as the assessment yet.
My girly pampering evening was lovely. Everyone enjoyed it and we raised about £70 towards our Africa trip. I managed not to talk about adoption all evening. And I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time. Ouch. I'm not sure the pain was worth it really. Now they've been waxed, the fact that one is slightly higher than the other is more noticeable than usual.
By the evening, we'd heard back from Cheshire to say that they won't deal with people who don't live in Cheshire and from Stoke who would be interested, but who wouldn't accept us because of Andy's job. He works with drug users, quite a number of whom have children with child protection issues. They felt there would be a conflict of interests.
Great. So Cheshire won't have us because we don't live in Cheshire and Stoke won't have us because Andy works in Stoke. Why does this have to be so difficult? And we haven't even got as far as the assessment yet.
My girly pampering evening was lovely. Everyone enjoyed it and we raised about £70 towards our Africa trip. I managed not to talk about adoption all evening. And I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time. Ouch. I'm not sure the pain was worth it really. Now they've been waxed, the fact that one is slightly higher than the other is more noticeable than usual.
Thursday 5 February 2009
Snow and Social Workers
Barbara was as good as her word. Her boss rang me at 10am this morning. "Barbara said you'd like me to explain about the adoption course and the process." Hmm. Not quite what I was expecting.
"My understanding from our conversation yesterday is that Barbara was going to ask you about 2 things. Firstly, whether the medical that I had done a year ago will still be OK or whether I'll need another one and secondly she said that you would be able to confirm for us if we would get a place on the course in June, if we're able to proceed with the process following the medical assessment," I said, spotting myself slipping into managerial mode.
She can't tell us if we'll get a place in June. They will make the decision about who to offer places to on the course in April. I then asked about how many people were waiting and how many places there are. Apparently, there are places for no more than 9 households on the course, there are currently 11 people waiting, some of whom have been waiting since August (I wonder if we count as waiting since now or since last January - didn't ask her that) and they have another 11 households to visit. She doesn't know when the next course would be after June. There is nothing planned at present. They know that it's frustrating, but they see no point in offering courses to people if they have no social worker to follow things up afterwards. Sensible.
The decision now is whether we stick with Staffordshire, or see what other agencies are out there. Stoke is a possible, as is just about any other authority. And there will also be private agencies. I spoke to Andy, who has done some ringing around. Someone from Stoke should be ringing us back later today. They have 34 children awaiting placement apparently. Whether it will be any quicker with them, remains to be seen. We need to get the medical done first and do a bit of shopping around re the agencies.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the snow, which makes everything look so beautiful. I'm having a girly pampering night later to raise money for our Africa trip. That will be wonderful!
I really ought to pray about all this. Just not sure what to say. Don't think I want to be patient and tell the Lord I trust His timing etc etc... Hmm. That's a good honest start to a prayer. Now I know exactly what to say!
"My understanding from our conversation yesterday is that Barbara was going to ask you about 2 things. Firstly, whether the medical that I had done a year ago will still be OK or whether I'll need another one and secondly she said that you would be able to confirm for us if we would get a place on the course in June, if we're able to proceed with the process following the medical assessment," I said, spotting myself slipping into managerial mode.
She can't tell us if we'll get a place in June. They will make the decision about who to offer places to on the course in April. I then asked about how many people were waiting and how many places there are. Apparently, there are places for no more than 9 households on the course, there are currently 11 people waiting, some of whom have been waiting since August (I wonder if we count as waiting since now or since last January - didn't ask her that) and they have another 11 households to visit. She doesn't know when the next course would be after June. There is nothing planned at present. They know that it's frustrating, but they see no point in offering courses to people if they have no social worker to follow things up afterwards. Sensible.
The decision now is whether we stick with Staffordshire, or see what other agencies are out there. Stoke is a possible, as is just about any other authority. And there will also be private agencies. I spoke to Andy, who has done some ringing around. Someone from Stoke should be ringing us back later today. They have 34 children awaiting placement apparently. Whether it will be any quicker with them, remains to be seen. We need to get the medical done first and do a bit of shopping around re the agencies.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the snow, which makes everything look so beautiful. I'm having a girly pampering night later to raise money for our Africa trip. That will be wonderful!
I really ought to pray about all this. Just not sure what to say. Don't think I want to be patient and tell the Lord I trust His timing etc etc... Hmm. That's a good honest start to a prayer. Now I know exactly what to say!
Delays and frustrations
We had our meeting with Barbara, from the adoption agency, yesterday. We thought she was lovely when we met her a year ago, so I was quite looking forward to seeing her again.
This meeting was much more business like. We'd done lots of talking last time. She wanted an update on Andy's medical situation, and said, as we expected, that they would need an early medical (ie at the beginning of the process, rather than at the end). Which is exactly what we thought she would say. So it has taken us a year to get to exactly where we were 13 months ago.
The next stage, once we've had the medical and it's been looked at by the medical officer on the permanency panel (the panel of people who decide about permanent placements for children, and approve long term foster carers and adopters) is to go on an adoption course. The next course to be run by Staffordshire is in June. "But I have to tell you, there is no guarantee that you would get a place on that course. We have people who have been waiting since October that didn't get on the course we've just run. And even if you did get a place, there may be a delay in appointing a social worker to do the home study" (6 or 8 meetings with a social worker to assess one's suitability as an adopter).
"So if we didn't get on the course in June, when is the next one?"
"I don't know."
"If we did the course in June, how long would it be, would you guess, before we began the home study?"
"We try and allocate people a social worker within 6-8 weeks of a course, but there are delays at the moment."
"So how many places do you have on a course, and how many people are waiting?"
"I don't have that information."
Apparently the lack of social workers is the problem. I felt indescribably frustrated and ended up quizzing Barbara about why they organise the process the way they do and why we couldn't do the home study first, if there were no places on courses. On reflection, of course, if the difficulty is social workers, it's probably reasonably simple to put on extra courses, if you've got the social workers available to do the home study afterwards.
I was really quite stunned at how gutted I felt. June is quite a long way off, but would be a reasonable time scale. We're planning a trip to Africa in the summer for some voluntary work, so adoption course in June and then home study in the autumn would work quite well. But an open ended maybe / maybe not feels horrid. Very horrid. After some discussion, Barbara said that she would speak to her boss tomorrow to find out whether we would get a place on the course in June and ring us back.
Andy was really reasonable and chilled about the whole thing. When she'd gone, just at the point when I was wanting to throw crockery, he gave me a hug and told me how difficult it must be for them and how it wasn't Barbara's fault. He knows what it's like when he has to tell people he doesn't know when they can have their methodone script. So I shouted at him. "Darling, you've just had a disempowering experience" he said, completely unperturbed by my outburst. That so completely summed it up, and I was so stunned by this moment of insight from my husband, that I stopped shouting and we had a cup of tea and a chat.
The other interesting moment was when Barbara asked how many children we were thinking of. "3 or 4" says Andy. Which is what I'd said a few months back, when Andy was suggesting that one would be plenty to be getting on with. I asked him about it afterwards. "yeah well... 3 would be a good number. 4 is more difficult for transport."
This meeting was much more business like. We'd done lots of talking last time. She wanted an update on Andy's medical situation, and said, as we expected, that they would need an early medical (ie at the beginning of the process, rather than at the end). Which is exactly what we thought she would say. So it has taken us a year to get to exactly where we were 13 months ago.
The next stage, once we've had the medical and it's been looked at by the medical officer on the permanency panel (the panel of people who decide about permanent placements for children, and approve long term foster carers and adopters) is to go on an adoption course. The next course to be run by Staffordshire is in June. "But I have to tell you, there is no guarantee that you would get a place on that course. We have people who have been waiting since October that didn't get on the course we've just run. And even if you did get a place, there may be a delay in appointing a social worker to do the home study" (6 or 8 meetings with a social worker to assess one's suitability as an adopter).
"So if we didn't get on the course in June, when is the next one?"
"I don't know."
"If we did the course in June, how long would it be, would you guess, before we began the home study?"
"We try and allocate people a social worker within 6-8 weeks of a course, but there are delays at the moment."
"So how many places do you have on a course, and how many people are waiting?"
"I don't have that information."
Apparently the lack of social workers is the problem. I felt indescribably frustrated and ended up quizzing Barbara about why they organise the process the way they do and why we couldn't do the home study first, if there were no places on courses. On reflection, of course, if the difficulty is social workers, it's probably reasonably simple to put on extra courses, if you've got the social workers available to do the home study afterwards.
I was really quite stunned at how gutted I felt. June is quite a long way off, but would be a reasonable time scale. We're planning a trip to Africa in the summer for some voluntary work, so adoption course in June and then home study in the autumn would work quite well. But an open ended maybe / maybe not feels horrid. Very horrid. After some discussion, Barbara said that she would speak to her boss tomorrow to find out whether we would get a place on the course in June and ring us back.
Andy was really reasonable and chilled about the whole thing. When she'd gone, just at the point when I was wanting to throw crockery, he gave me a hug and told me how difficult it must be for them and how it wasn't Barbara's fault. He knows what it's like when he has to tell people he doesn't know when they can have their methodone script. So I shouted at him. "Darling, you've just had a disempowering experience" he said, completely unperturbed by my outburst. That so completely summed it up, and I was so stunned by this moment of insight from my husband, that I stopped shouting and we had a cup of tea and a chat.
The other interesting moment was when Barbara asked how many children we were thinking of. "3 or 4" says Andy. Which is what I'd said a few months back, when Andy was suggesting that one would be plenty to be getting on with. I asked him about it afterwards. "yeah well... 3 would be a good number. 4 is more difficult for transport."
Tuesday 27 January 2009
Birthday thoughts
I'm 38 today. Birthdays always make me think and reflect. It's now just over a year since we had our first meeting with the adoption agency. I remember waiting for that first appointment with such eagerness. Just knowing the name of the woman from Staffordshire Social Services felt significant. Ridiculous really.
It was a very pleasant meeting. She was lovely. Because Andy has had a number of health issues, which actually turn out to be one health issue (he has sarcoidosis - a disease which causes the body to produce lumps randomly in all sorts of inconvenient places; in his case it manifested itself originally in his brain - which is particularly inconvenient) Babara suggested we should go for our adoption medicals first.
This is where everything ground to a halt last February. I had my medical (it's still sat in a folder somewhere). Andy went to have his, but was suffering so badly with a chest infection at the time that he couldn't stop coughing for long enough to answer the questions. Best to re-schedule and get a chest x-ray. Chest X-ray showed enlarged heart, which could possibly be serious, and our GP suggested that we would be best to get the results of some heart investigations before proceeding with the adoption process, as the agency probably wouldn't do anything until we had the results back anyway. The agency agreed. Eventually we got bored of waiting for Andy's results. Andy suggested we ask them if we could get on with other bits of the process while we waited for medical results. Particularly as most people have their medical check at the end. No. We need to get medical approval first.
Would you believe it took nearly a year for the medics to eventually decide that Andy's heart is probably fine. He was quite worried about the possible results. I wasn't worried at all. When you've spent as much time as we have in the last few years dealing with medical issues, you get a bit blase to be honest. He's had no symptoms of heart trouble (apart from one bout of mysterious chest pain, that turned out to be nothing) and does martial arts 3 times a week. If his heart wasn't working properly, I think we'd have known.
It's been a strange year. One of the most wonderful things for me, about deciding to explore adoption, was that suddenly I could enjoy the company of children again without feeling that awful pang of grief. Then we had to put everything on hold. For ages. We both quite deliberately shelved the whole thing. Stopped thinking about it. And suddenly being with children was difficult again - much to my disgust. And because we weren't thinking about it, I started wondering if I do want to adopt, or if I'm just mildly deranged and unhinged. I don't really process information emotionally.
For me, things that make sense are logical. Emotions are things you manage. Logic is what you base decisions upon. (My Myers-Briggs profile is INTP). But nobody wants or has kids for logical reasons. So living in this emotional world of maternal longing and wanting to open our home to little people but not really being able to give a logical reasoned argument as to why, is like living in a foreign land with no phrasebook. Interesting but slightly unnerving.
By the time we got to August, I really didn't know anymore what I thought about any of it. Then we went to Greenbelt (a fabulous Christian Arts festival) and there was a seminar about fostering and adoption. And I really really wanted to go along to it. Andy didn't want to come because he didn't see the point, given that there was nothing we could do about it at the moment anyway. He thought I'd just get upset. I knew I wouldn't - it was just a chance to get some information.
Seminar was deeply disappointing. It was about fostering. With adoption thrown in as a bit of an afterthought. Why do fostering and adoption get bundled together like that all the time? And how could Andy possibly have known that I'd get upset, when I knew absolutely that I was just going to get information? Masculine instinct, perhaps...?
Anyway. We're a year on from that original meeting. I rang the agency in December, as soon as we knew the results from Andy's tests, mainly to ask if I would need my medical to be done again, given that it's now a year on, or if I could just post it, and to say that Andy was now ready to have his. Barbara didn't want us to do anything until we've met with her again. So we set a date for early January. Barbara had to cancel. We're meeting her (hopefully) next Wednesday. Presumably to have exactly the same conversation that we had last year.
We had quite a hectic 2008 for lots of reasons, so waiting a while is probably no bad thing. I'm also much more sure now that I want to adopt and it's not just a reaction to Andy's test results. But we still haven't even got as far as the medical.
It was a very pleasant meeting. She was lovely. Because Andy has had a number of health issues, which actually turn out to be one health issue (he has sarcoidosis - a disease which causes the body to produce lumps randomly in all sorts of inconvenient places; in his case it manifested itself originally in his brain - which is particularly inconvenient) Babara suggested we should go for our adoption medicals first.
This is where everything ground to a halt last February. I had my medical (it's still sat in a folder somewhere). Andy went to have his, but was suffering so badly with a chest infection at the time that he couldn't stop coughing for long enough to answer the questions. Best to re-schedule and get a chest x-ray. Chest X-ray showed enlarged heart, which could possibly be serious, and our GP suggested that we would be best to get the results of some heart investigations before proceeding with the adoption process, as the agency probably wouldn't do anything until we had the results back anyway. The agency agreed. Eventually we got bored of waiting for Andy's results. Andy suggested we ask them if we could get on with other bits of the process while we waited for medical results. Particularly as most people have their medical check at the end. No. We need to get medical approval first.
Would you believe it took nearly a year for the medics to eventually decide that Andy's heart is probably fine. He was quite worried about the possible results. I wasn't worried at all. When you've spent as much time as we have in the last few years dealing with medical issues, you get a bit blase to be honest. He's had no symptoms of heart trouble (apart from one bout of mysterious chest pain, that turned out to be nothing) and does martial arts 3 times a week. If his heart wasn't working properly, I think we'd have known.
It's been a strange year. One of the most wonderful things for me, about deciding to explore adoption, was that suddenly I could enjoy the company of children again without feeling that awful pang of grief. Then we had to put everything on hold. For ages. We both quite deliberately shelved the whole thing. Stopped thinking about it. And suddenly being with children was difficult again - much to my disgust. And because we weren't thinking about it, I started wondering if I do want to adopt, or if I'm just mildly deranged and unhinged. I don't really process information emotionally.
For me, things that make sense are logical. Emotions are things you manage. Logic is what you base decisions upon. (My Myers-Briggs profile is INTP). But nobody wants or has kids for logical reasons. So living in this emotional world of maternal longing and wanting to open our home to little people but not really being able to give a logical reasoned argument as to why, is like living in a foreign land with no phrasebook. Interesting but slightly unnerving.
By the time we got to August, I really didn't know anymore what I thought about any of it. Then we went to Greenbelt (a fabulous Christian Arts festival) and there was a seminar about fostering and adoption. And I really really wanted to go along to it. Andy didn't want to come because he didn't see the point, given that there was nothing we could do about it at the moment anyway. He thought I'd just get upset. I knew I wouldn't - it was just a chance to get some information.
Seminar was deeply disappointing. It was about fostering. With adoption thrown in as a bit of an afterthought. Why do fostering and adoption get bundled together like that all the time? And how could Andy possibly have known that I'd get upset, when I knew absolutely that I was just going to get information? Masculine instinct, perhaps...?
Anyway. We're a year on from that original meeting. I rang the agency in December, as soon as we knew the results from Andy's tests, mainly to ask if I would need my medical to be done again, given that it's now a year on, or if I could just post it, and to say that Andy was now ready to have his. Barbara didn't want us to do anything until we've met with her again. So we set a date for early January. Barbara had to cancel. We're meeting her (hopefully) next Wednesday. Presumably to have exactly the same conversation that we had last year.
We had quite a hectic 2008 for lots of reasons, so waiting a while is probably no bad thing. I'm also much more sure now that I want to adopt and it's not just a reaction to Andy's test results. But we still haven't even got as far as the medical.
Monday 26 January 2009
It's wanting what you've got...
Facing infertility actually wasn't the first time I'd thought about adoption. I'd quite often considered fostering or adoption. Andy and I have known quite a few people who have been through the care system in one way or another. I'd always thought we might end up fostering or adopting. After we'd had children of our own.
It was sat in the garden praying that something happened in me to change my perspective. Stuck between my desire for children and the very horrible (in my view at the time) prospect of IVF I suddenly thought "Why am I striving to create a life that I haven't got? Shouldn't I be living with vigour the life that God has given me?" And that simple thought opened a window in my soul that let in some fresh air and new perspective and allowed us to consider other perspectives. Amongst which was the thought that actually I'd like to provide a home and family to some people whose lives would be different as a result. And actually, if that's what we were to end up doing, I'd really like to be able to assure our children that they were not absolutely the last resort in a search for a family of our own.
So Andy and I began to talk. And I'm not sure how, but conversation kind of drifted from fostering to try out parenting towards the idea of adoption. Probably of slightly older children. And it didn't take much investigation to discover that sibling groups are particularly difficult to place. After all the disruption that children must go through prior to placement in an adoptive family, think what a blessing it would be to be able to arrive somewhere new with a brother or sister. A bit of stability amidst turmoil.
So with those thoughts in mind, we began investigating adoption agencies.
It was sat in the garden praying that something happened in me to change my perspective. Stuck between my desire for children and the very horrible (in my view at the time) prospect of IVF I suddenly thought "Why am I striving to create a life that I haven't got? Shouldn't I be living with vigour the life that God has given me?" And that simple thought opened a window in my soul that let in some fresh air and new perspective and allowed us to consider other perspectives. Amongst which was the thought that actually I'd like to provide a home and family to some people whose lives would be different as a result. And actually, if that's what we were to end up doing, I'd really like to be able to assure our children that they were not absolutely the last resort in a search for a family of our own.
So Andy and I began to talk. And I'm not sure how, but conversation kind of drifted from fostering to try out parenting towards the idea of adoption. Probably of slightly older children. And it didn't take much investigation to discover that sibling groups are particularly difficult to place. After all the disruption that children must go through prior to placement in an adoptive family, think what a blessing it would be to be able to arrive somewhere new with a brother or sister. A bit of stability amidst turmoil.
So with those thoughts in mind, we began investigating adoption agencies.
Reflections on Infertility
I guess a lot of people begin their adoption journey having tried, and failed, to have children via natural means. That's where our story begins. Never having been particularly coo-ey over babies, I didn't really expect to be the kind of person who needed to avoid looking in the windows of toy shops or who would suddenly find being around young children so poignantly painful.
Andy (my beloved husband of 10 years) and I started thinking about adoption back in November 2007. About a month after we discovered that his sperm are mostly dead or swimming in circles. Natural pregnancy is not impossible, just not very likely.
We had been trying for a family since 2003 and in 2004 I was briefly pregnant and then had a miscarriage whilst we were on holiday in the Dominican Republic (not a good location in which to require medical attention, believe me!). I had been more delighted than I had thought possible, to be pregnant, and more devastated than I could have imagined when I miscarried.
We thought as it had happened once, it could happen again. Andy's health hadn't been great (he was recovering from a brain tumour when I got pregnant) and there was plenty else to think about. Not, I felt, a particularly convenient time to be worrying about childlessness.
One of the most difficult things about being a woman and wanting children is that however much you might think you're not going to think about it, there is, every month, a time which is allegedly auspicious for sex (not always convenient or romantic) and then an involuntary pregnancy test, in the form of a period, at the end of the month.
Eventually I realised I needed to know if there was anything else we could do about our failure to get me pregnant and we sought medical advice. Andy was pretty devastated by his navigationally challenged sperm. I was both gutted and relieved. To be honest, whether there is a good reason for us not having kids yet or not, doesn't make that much practical difference. Most infertility is, I believe, unexplained. Knowing there's a reason for it not happening has let us relax.
The next question is "What now?" Neither of us liked the idea of IVF. Andy wasn't keen on spending the money (it's not provided on the NHS at all in our area) on something so likely not to work. I wasn't keen on the invasiveness of it. And the prospect of all that desparate hoping and probable disappointment. I'm delighted for anyone who has had success in IVF, and slightly awed by the courage of anyone prepared to go through the whole thing. Knowing that it so often doesn't work. On the other hand, knowing that I was longing for a child, of my own, there were a couple of weeks when I felt horribly trapped between the desperation of infertility and the horrible prospect of IVF. After all, it's what infertile couples do. Could I live with the prospect of not giving it a try?
Andy (my beloved husband of 10 years) and I started thinking about adoption back in November 2007. About a month after we discovered that his sperm are mostly dead or swimming in circles. Natural pregnancy is not impossible, just not very likely.
We had been trying for a family since 2003 and in 2004 I was briefly pregnant and then had a miscarriage whilst we were on holiday in the Dominican Republic (not a good location in which to require medical attention, believe me!). I had been more delighted than I had thought possible, to be pregnant, and more devastated than I could have imagined when I miscarried.
We thought as it had happened once, it could happen again. Andy's health hadn't been great (he was recovering from a brain tumour when I got pregnant) and there was plenty else to think about. Not, I felt, a particularly convenient time to be worrying about childlessness.
One of the most difficult things about being a woman and wanting children is that however much you might think you're not going to think about it, there is, every month, a time which is allegedly auspicious for sex (not always convenient or romantic) and then an involuntary pregnancy test, in the form of a period, at the end of the month.
Eventually I realised I needed to know if there was anything else we could do about our failure to get me pregnant and we sought medical advice. Andy was pretty devastated by his navigationally challenged sperm. I was both gutted and relieved. To be honest, whether there is a good reason for us not having kids yet or not, doesn't make that much practical difference. Most infertility is, I believe, unexplained. Knowing there's a reason for it not happening has let us relax.
The next question is "What now?" Neither of us liked the idea of IVF. Andy wasn't keen on spending the money (it's not provided on the NHS at all in our area) on something so likely not to work. I wasn't keen on the invasiveness of it. And the prospect of all that desparate hoping and probable disappointment. I'm delighted for anyone who has had success in IVF, and slightly awed by the courage of anyone prepared to go through the whole thing. Knowing that it so often doesn't work. On the other hand, knowing that I was longing for a child, of my own, there were a couple of weeks when I felt horribly trapped between the desperation of infertility and the horrible prospect of IVF. After all, it's what infertile couples do. Could I live with the prospect of not giving it a try?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)