Yesterday we went out to buy swimming costumes and arm bands.
Today we braved swimming.
Neither of the boys had ever been swimming before. So this was something of an adventure. I was particularly concerned about taking littlest son. He doesn't like noise, has only just got used to the bath and deeply dislikes standing bare foot on any kind of uncarpeted surface.
We picked our pool carefully. There is a leisure pool designed for young children not far from us. It has lots of very shallow pools, some little slides between pools, a gently sloping beach style entrance and a gentle river rapids area.
They both did marvellously. Though as predicted, J was really scared to begin with and cried lots. To the point where I was seriously considering taking him back to the changing room to get dressed.
The thing that cracked it was a little slide from one pool to another. He loves slides and thought this one was marvellous. By the end, he was having a great time. He even went in the big pool with Daddy who took him on a ride through the rapids on a large float.
A was also nervous to begin with, but soon was relishing exploring what was on offer. He too came in the big pool for a ride round the rapids with Mummy. They both thought it was brilliant and are looking forward to repeating the experience.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
A Miracle!
It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
A Miracle!
It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....
Monday, 20 June 2011
Pirates
On Saturday, for some bizarre reason, the boys decided that it would be a great idea to put the decorative glass pebbles from the coffee table in the living room (the obvious choking hazard pebbles, that I am now rounding up and disposing of) down my front and into my bra.
My first thought in response to this wanton intrusion into my undergarments? "What a great attachment opportunity!" Oh the surreal world of adoptive parenting...
We then marched upstairs to see if Mummy rattled when she walked and A reclaimed the beads as treasure for his Fisher Price pirate ship and we did lots of talking in pirate voices.
And then Andy's head appears round the door in a pirate style head scarf / bandanna.
Priceless.
Andy of course delighted in making reference to treasure chests.....
My first thought in response to this wanton intrusion into my undergarments? "What a great attachment opportunity!" Oh the surreal world of adoptive parenting...
We then marched upstairs to see if Mummy rattled when she walked and A reclaimed the beads as treasure for his Fisher Price pirate ship and we did lots of talking in pirate voices.
And then Andy's head appears round the door in a pirate style head scarf / bandanna.
Priceless.
Andy of course delighted in making reference to treasure chests.....
"He Looks Just Like You..."
Packing my shopping at Tesco the other day, trying to subtly keep a tired and wired littlest son from damaging the fixtures and fittings when I realised the cashier was going all gooey eyed.
"You can tell he's yours!" she said.
This has not happened to me before. I'm really not quite sure how to take it. Realising that looking bemused is not the expected response I cast about in my brain for some words.
"I suppose he does look a bit like me," I say, thinking "We have the same number of eyes???"
She then proceeded to compliment J's general beauty and cuteness which made me feel so proud it almost brought a tear to my eye. "Oh thank you! You've made me go all proud!" I said. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed.
She had no way of knowing she was the first stranger to compliment me about my children or the first person to say that J or A look like me.
Exhausted.... But Still Dancing
I am exhausted.
I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done. I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.
We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous. They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage. Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety. He seems to live on adrenaline. His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.
Oldest son seems to need to be in control. This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly. If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes." If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."
He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him. Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things. A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk. And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question. Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath. Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.
If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little. So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun. We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of. And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.
I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours. It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective. When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn. Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward. Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane. Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors. I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy! It's an aeroplane!" And he was right. It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open. "Wow! You're right! It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine. This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.
Thursday I was Super Mummy. I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment. I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.
Friday I was exhausted. And irritable. And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable. By the end of the day I was just about done in. Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.
Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2. We danced together for about half and hour. And I wasn't exhausted anymore....
I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done. I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.
We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous. They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage. Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety. He seems to live on adrenaline. His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.
Oldest son seems to need to be in control. This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly. If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes." If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."
He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him. Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things. A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk. And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question. Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath. Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.
If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little. So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun. We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of. And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.
I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours. It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective. When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn. Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward. Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane. Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors. I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy! It's an aeroplane!" And he was right. It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open. "Wow! You're right! It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine. This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.
Thursday I was Super Mummy. I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment. I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.
Friday I was exhausted. And irritable. And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable. By the end of the day I was just about done in. Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.
Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2. We danced together for about half and hour. And I wasn't exhausted anymore....
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Noise
Have I just not noticed how noisy the world is, or are we jinxed in some way? Littlest son needs cuddles when there is noise about. Particularly lawn mowers, hedge trimmers and the like. I swear, for the first two weeks we had them, EVERY TIME we went to a park, there was a lawn mower.
Last week, at our local park there was no less than four lawn mowers. FOUR! It's really not that big a park.
Today, everybody in the world was cutting trees down.
The other day, just as we were leaving the house, a mechanical road sweeper came down our road. We have lived here seven years and I have never ever seen a road sweeper of any description in our little road. Let alone a noisy, growly, mechanical one. And it appears just as we're leaving the house. FOUR TIMES it went up and down the road.
Hmm.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you....
Last week, at our local park there was no less than four lawn mowers. FOUR! It's really not that big a park.
Today, everybody in the world was cutting trees down.
The other day, just as we were leaving the house, a mechanical road sweeper came down our road. We have lived here seven years and I have never ever seen a road sweeper of any description in our little road. Let alone a noisy, growly, mechanical one. And it appears just as we're leaving the house. FOUR TIMES it went up and down the road.
Hmm.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you....
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Things that bring unbridled joy....
Feeding ducks.
Being pulled round the house on duvet with your brother.
A stick that breaks unexpectedly when you lean on it.
Anything you can jump off.
Anything that splashes.
Exploring the tent display at Go Outdoors....
Watching your new sons find joy in the ordinary.
Being pulled round the house on duvet with your brother.
A stick that breaks unexpectedly when you lean on it.
Anything you can jump off.
Anything that splashes.
Exploring the tent display at Go Outdoors....
Watching your new sons find joy in the ordinary.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
The ironies of child safety equipment.
The first irony is that supervising a small child at the top of the stairs AND trying to open the gate is definitely more dangerous than just supervising the child.
Secondly, there's cupboard locks. Before the kids arrived, we spent hours fitting safety gates and child locks on all our cupboards and kitchen drawers. The cutlery drawer is particularly difficult to open because the child safety catch is really stiff. Andy and I usually have to find a screwdriver or a piece of cutlery in order to open it.
The other day, A demonstrated and explained, in a helpful sort of tone, how to open the cutlery drawer. "You just have to press this down like this and it opens!" His fingers are small enough to do the job without the aid of spoon handle or screwdriver. Somewhat amused, I asked him to show Andy what he'd shown me. "You just do it like this," he said, "and I can open these too" he continued proudly, opening the cupboards with child locks.
Oh well....
Secondly, there's cupboard locks. Before the kids arrived, we spent hours fitting safety gates and child locks on all our cupboards and kitchen drawers. The cutlery drawer is particularly difficult to open because the child safety catch is really stiff. Andy and I usually have to find a screwdriver or a piece of cutlery in order to open it.
The other day, A demonstrated and explained, in a helpful sort of tone, how to open the cutlery drawer. "You just have to press this down like this and it opens!" His fingers are small enough to do the job without the aid of spoon handle or screwdriver. Somewhat amused, I asked him to show Andy what he'd shown me. "You just do it like this," he said, "and I can open these too" he continued proudly, opening the cupboards with child locks.
Oh well....
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Things I am learning.....
It's a steep learning curve, this parenting lark. Anyone who knows us will not be surprised to hear that it's the practical stuff, rather than the interacting with kids stuff, that I am finding most taxing. Things are getting easier though. Here are a few things that haven't happened for a day or two:
- Cleaning a saucepan that I've burnt food to the bottom of. (I am a pretty competent cook, but somehow cooking at the same time as having kids in the house is quite tricky for some bizarre reason)
- Putting Js shoes on the wrong feet.
- Putting a nappy on the back to front.
- Moistening a finger for quicker access to a nappy sack and then realising it had poo on it.
- having to rescue the house from complete chaos after the boys have gone to bed.
- Crawling into bed before 8pm and sleeping 'til morning.
Here are a few things I've learnt:
- Either kids tops have ridiculously small head - holes or J has an abnormally large head. Every time I take a top off I am little concerned I might pull his head off with it.
- How to put Js shoes on easily - you have to loosen the straps completely and then they just slip on!
- How to cook a simple meal without Andy taking the kids into a different room / county.
- The words to "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" (A's current and only favourite book) off by heart.
We are beginning to establish a routine. At the moment, the events in the routine are pretty consistent, but our timing is not exactly military. Quite often things take a lot longer than we thought they would. The meal I thought I'd knock up in 50 minutes took over an hour and a half today, for instance. Yesterday, J and A had both been up ridiculously early, but then J came into our room and fell asleep again with Andy. And then getting them to breakfast seemed to take forever.
We are managing three meals a day, however, all sat round the table. Which the children really enjoy. The first or second day they were at ours, A wanted to get down because he thought he'd finished. We made him stay put until we'd all finished and that has worked really well. Though it makes me feel a little Victorian. It means we don't have to be trying to supervise one child in one part of the house, whilst encouraging the other to continue to eat and trying to eat our dinner at the same time. It also means that he often eats more because he decides he wants a bit more of something. The imposed three healthy meals a day plus fruit is probably doing Andy and I some good as well!
Day 3
We had the boys' social worker come to visit today. The boys were very pleased to see him and delighted to show him around the house. When he arrived, we had been feeding the ducks and Andy was showing oldest son how to climb over the big wooden gate that is in front of the canal tow path just outside our house. It's one of those proper old fashioned farm style wooden gates. Perfect for climbing over.
We took them for a long walk this afternoon, so we were all tired by the time we got back. Just the right amount of tired. We had a great tea time and evening together.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
The great Bath time conquest and other scary things...
J, our youngest son, is a bit scared of a few things. He loves slides but won't countenance anything that swings. There are also particular mechanical noises that really frighten him. We have been working on this by holding him and then going together to find out what the noise is. Today, it was someone with an electric saw, cutting down a tree across the canal from us. Safely with Mummy, he waved and giggled at the men cutting the tree down. But still wanted to sit with me for the next half hour or so.
By far his biggest fear is water. Mainly of the getting washed in it kind. When we were at the Foster Carer's home, we saw him having a shower and he was terrified. Screaming, distressed, terrified. And he's not a screamy, whingy, child at all. Showers aren't great for kids, but apparently he wasn't much for baths either.
At our house, he was obviously very nervous of the bath. Happy to watch the water coming out of the taps, but very resistant to get anywhere near to getting in the bath. Even when it was dry and he was fully clothed.
So we decided I would go in the bath with him. Night one, he yelled lots just getting his clothes off. So I held him and soothed once he was undressed until he calmed down. Then we got in the bath, and he screamed again, so I held him against me, but out of the water, until he calmed. And then gradually, safe with Mummy, he discovered the joys of splashing! Within about 10 minutes, we had a happy, laughing boy, in the bath.
Yesterday, our friend Jill brought round some toys for playing with in the bath, which we tried out in the garden in a bowl of water first. Both boys love them! When it came to bath time, J still definitely needed to be very very close to Mummy, but he actually asked to be undressed so he could have his bath. I can't tell you how delighted I am to have conquered the bath thing! He can have fun at bath time now!!
Perhaps we'll leave swimming for a few weeks though.....
By far his biggest fear is water. Mainly of the getting washed in it kind. When we were at the Foster Carer's home, we saw him having a shower and he was terrified. Screaming, distressed, terrified. And he's not a screamy, whingy, child at all. Showers aren't great for kids, but apparently he wasn't much for baths either.
At our house, he was obviously very nervous of the bath. Happy to watch the water coming out of the taps, but very resistant to get anywhere near to getting in the bath. Even when it was dry and he was fully clothed.
So we decided I would go in the bath with him. Night one, he yelled lots just getting his clothes off. So I held him and soothed once he was undressed until he calmed down. Then we got in the bath, and he screamed again, so I held him against me, but out of the water, until he calmed. And then gradually, safe with Mummy, he discovered the joys of splashing! Within about 10 minutes, we had a happy, laughing boy, in the bath.
Yesterday, our friend Jill brought round some toys for playing with in the bath, which we tried out in the garden in a bowl of water first. Both boys love them! When it came to bath time, J still definitely needed to be very very close to Mummy, but he actually asked to be undressed so he could have his bath. I can't tell you how delighted I am to have conquered the bath thing! He can have fun at bath time now!!
Perhaps we'll leave swimming for a few weeks though.....
The Boys are Home!
A and J came home yesterday. The last few days of introductions were absolutely exhausting. We were travelling almost an hour on the motorway to collect them, to bring them to ours for the day and then take them back down the motorway so they could sleep at the Foster Carers'.
The kids are really full on. Needing lots of attention and stimulation. A is pushing every boundary he spots. Despite the fact he really quite likes to please. We are working at being consistent and ensuring there are boundaries whilst still working out what boundaries we think there ought to be. And working to present a united front. Fortunately A's attempts at divide and conquer lack finesse at present. He asks the same question of both us, when we are in clear earshot of each other!!
Last night they got to sleep really well, slept through until about quarter to seven, apart from a brief waking up and screaming moment at half three, which was easily sorted with a cuddle, and then played quietly for about 45 minutes. I slept really well, except when disturbed by Andy who was alert to every sound and checking on them when he heard noises - such as the neighbours walking about next door!
The kids are really full on. Needing lots of attention and stimulation. A is pushing every boundary he spots. Despite the fact he really quite likes to please. We are working at being consistent and ensuring there are boundaries whilst still working out what boundaries we think there ought to be. And working to present a united front. Fortunately A's attempts at divide and conquer lack finesse at present. He asks the same question of both us, when we are in clear earshot of each other!!
Last night they got to sleep really well, slept through until about quarter to seven, apart from a brief waking up and screaming moment at half three, which was easily sorted with a cuddle, and then played quietly for about 45 minutes. I slept really well, except when disturbed by Andy who was alert to every sound and checking on them when he heard noises - such as the neighbours walking about next door!
Friday, 27 May 2011
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Rain, Attachment and Mechanical Failure
The boys are visiting us at home today, for the first time. I slept really badly last night, despite going to bed at a reasonable hour and being utterly exhausted. Just too much happening in my head.
We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham. We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.
We had a great time on Wednesday. A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment. Everyone was partying hard when we arrived. His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.
The school have handled things brilliantly. Everyone seems to know what's happening. His whole class has seen his family book and DVD. The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly. One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials. She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible. There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious. It's lovely to see it done properly."
We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time. J fell over a couple of times. I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week. Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important. J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy. He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.
Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school. The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too! It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off. What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain? We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place. We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut. What now?
Andy spied a Sure Start centre. So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go. They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre. It opened later in the morning. Got back to the car and it wouldn't start. At all. Despite encouragement. I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.
What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car? By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open. So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away. We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.
Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A. And we had no mobile phone. Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car. Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night. But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!
It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home. Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario. Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one. This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour. Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'
We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week. Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side. At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold. Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side. She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after. It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture. And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place. That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.
The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J. Those are the things we will be keen to replicate. The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.
We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us. Our car is still at the garage. The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker. Just time to make sure the house is safe......
We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham. We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.
We had a great time on Wednesday. A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment. Everyone was partying hard when we arrived. His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.
The school have handled things brilliantly. Everyone seems to know what's happening. His whole class has seen his family book and DVD. The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly. One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials. She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible. There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious. It's lovely to see it done properly."
We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time. J fell over a couple of times. I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week. Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important. J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy. He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.
Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school. The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too! It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off. What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain? We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place. We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut. What now?
Andy spied a Sure Start centre. So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go. They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre. It opened later in the morning. Got back to the car and it wouldn't start. At all. Despite encouragement. I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.
What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car? By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open. So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away. We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.
Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A. And we had no mobile phone. Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car. Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night. But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!
It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home. Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario. Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one. This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour. Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'
We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week. Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side. At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold. Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side. She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after. It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture. And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place. That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.
The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J. Those are the things we will be keen to replicate. The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.
We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us. Our car is still at the garage. The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker. Just time to make sure the house is safe......
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Introductions Day 2
Today, we were scheduled to be with the kids at the foster carer's home from 2 pm until bedtime. The plan at this stage, is that we observe how the foster carer parents the children, so that we can provide something similar to begin with. It's not quite working out like that...
When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school. J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV. It's not that the kids don't have toys. We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.
So we played with J, with the cardboard tube. We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource. Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with. Andy did lots of rough and tumble. I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?" I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys." So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.
We all went to collect Aaron from school. Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'. He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand. We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.
We had a fabulous time with the kids. We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us. Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.
Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with. I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances. Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids. I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive. We did do some boundary keeping. In a gentle sort of way. But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.
Until tomorrow...
When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school. J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV. It's not that the kids don't have toys. We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.
So we played with J, with the cardboard tube. We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource. Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with. Andy did lots of rough and tumble. I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?" I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys." So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.
We all went to collect Aaron from school. Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'. He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand. We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.
We had a fabulous time with the kids. We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us. Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.
Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with. I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances. Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids. I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive. We did do some boundary keeping. In a gentle sort of way. But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.
Until tomorrow...
school places and other sundry items....
This morning, we had a brief window before we needed to drive to the foster carer's home, so I went to the school at the end of the road to get application forms. We've had a couple of gos at trying to sort out school places before. But there has always been information we haven't had, which has made that difficult to do. And social services were not prepared to supply it until the match with A and J was ratified. I was also confident, having met A's teacher yesterday, that getting him into year one is the right thing to do. I had wondered if we should fight for him to do reception again, and start afresh in September. But on balance, I think going into year 1 will be fine.
I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested. I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!
I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy. His language is significantly behind for his age.
Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.
And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...
I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested. I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!
I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy. His language is significantly behind for his age.
Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.
And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...
Monday, 23 May 2011
Introductions
We're just back home after a loooonnnnnggggg day which contained only one cup of coffee.
We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting. Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.
Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher. There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed. Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children. It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like. It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children. We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.
After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.
Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school. Easier said than done. They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house. Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road. We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy. Oops!
Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm. James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter. When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film. We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom. He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.
We got on really well with the boys. About as well as we generally do with most children we meet. I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both. Not overly effusive or very reticent. Just normal. J is loud, giggly and boisterous. He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy. A is quieter and more talkative.
They are both lovely.
All in all a good day.
We see them again tomorrow, after school.
We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting. Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.
Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher. There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed. Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children. It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like. It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children. We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.
After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.
Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school. Easier said than done. They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house. Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road. We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy. Oops!
Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm. James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter. When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film. We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom. He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.
We got on really well with the boys. About as well as we generally do with most children we meet. I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both. Not overly effusive or very reticent. Just normal. J is loud, giggly and boisterous. He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy. A is quieter and more talkative.
They are both lovely.
All in all a good day.
We see them again tomorrow, after school.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Lying on the grass...
This is our last weekend as a childless couple. The boys won't be home for a couple of weeks, but we meet them and begin introductions tomorrow.
Today, we are having friends over for lunch.
Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.
We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......
Then we went for a beer....
Today, we are having friends over for lunch.
Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.
We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......
Then we went for a beer....
What's in a name?
I got an email from the boys' social worker on Friday, to say that the decision to match us with them has been ratified by the official decision maker.
We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons. We expect that to begin tomorrow.
The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.
I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids! And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification. How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?
This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago. We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004. One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names." They were boys names. We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys. We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them. So we wrote the names down.
And then our friends had a little girl. And then another little girl. We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.
Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services. There was one profile of two boys. Something about them touched my heart. I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.
We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next. I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys. Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full. And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.
How mad is that???
We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it. I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.
My first thought was, "what a story to be able to tell our children!"
To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.
It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching. It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision. Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing. Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...
Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead. Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment. And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'. But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.
God is good!
We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons. We expect that to begin tomorrow.
The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.
I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids! And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification. How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?
This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago. We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004. One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names." They were boys names. We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys. We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them. So we wrote the names down.
And then our friends had a little girl. And then another little girl. We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.
Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services. There was one profile of two boys. Something about them touched my heart. I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.
We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next. I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys. Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full. And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.
How mad is that???
We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it. I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.
My first thought was, "what a story to be able to tell our children!"
To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.
It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching. It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision. Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing. Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...
Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead. Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment. And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'. But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.
God is good!
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