Great time with the kids at our house this morning!

Now off to Birmingham to retrieve my poorly car......

Rain, Attachment and Mechanical Failure

The boys are visiting us at home today, for the first time.  I slept really badly last night, despite going to bed at a reasonable hour and being utterly exhausted.  Just too much happening in my head.

We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham.  We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.

We had a great time on Wednesday.  A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment.  Everyone was partying hard when we arrived.  His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.

The school have handled things brilliantly.  Everyone seems to know what's happening.  His whole class has seen his family book and DVD.    The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly.  One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials.  She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible.  There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious.  It's lovely to see it done properly."

We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time.  J fell over a couple of times.  I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week.  Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important.  J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy.  He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.

Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school.  The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too!  It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off.  What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain?  We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place.  We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut.  What now?

Andy spied a Sure Start centre.  So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go.  They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre.  It opened later in the morning.  Got back to the car and it wouldn't start.  At all.  Despite encouragement.  I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.

What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car?  By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open.  So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away.  We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.

Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A.  And we had no mobile phone.  Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car.  Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night.  But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!

It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home.  Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario.  Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one.  This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour.  Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'

We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week.  Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side.  At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold.  Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side.  She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after.  It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture.  And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place.  That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.

The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J.  Those are the things we will be keen to replicate.  The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.

We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us.  Our car is still at the garage.  The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker.  Just time to make sure the house is safe......

Introductions Day 2

Today, we were scheduled to be with the kids at the foster carer's home from 2 pm until bedtime.  The plan at this stage, is that we observe how the foster carer parents the children, so that we can provide something similar to begin with.  It's not quite working out like that...

When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school.  J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV.  It's not that the kids don't have toys.  We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.

So we played with J, with the cardboard tube.  We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource.  Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with.  Andy did lots of rough and tumble.  I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?"  I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys."  So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.

We all went to collect Aaron from school.  Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'.  He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand.  We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.

We had a fabulous time with the kids.  We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us.  Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.

Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with.  I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances.  Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids.  I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive.  We did do some boundary keeping.  In a gentle sort of way.  But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.

Until tomorrow...

school places and other sundry items....

This morning, we had a brief window before we needed to drive to the foster carer's home, so I went to the school at the end of the road to get application forms.  We've had a couple of gos at trying to sort out school places before.  But there has always been information we haven't had, which has made that difficult to do.  And social services were not prepared to supply it until the match with A and J was ratified.  I was also confident, having met A's teacher yesterday, that getting him into year one is the right thing to do.  I had wondered if we should fight for him to do reception again, and start afresh in September.  But on balance, I think going into year 1 will be fine.

I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested.  I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!

I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy.  His language is significantly behind for his age.

Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.

And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...

Introductions

We're just back home after a loooonnnnnggggg day which contained only one cup of coffee.

We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting.  Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.

Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher.  There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed.  Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children.  It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like.  It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children.  We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.

After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.

Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school.  Easier said than done.  They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house.  Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road.  We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy.  Oops!

Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm.  James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter.  When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film.  We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom.  He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.

We got on really well with the boys.  About as well as we generally do with most children we meet.  I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both.  Not overly effusive or very reticent.  Just normal.  J is loud, giggly and boisterous.  He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy.  A is quieter and more talkative.

They are both lovely.

All in all a good day.

We see them again tomorrow, after school.

Lying on the grass...

This is our last weekend as a childless couple.  The boys won't be home for a couple of weeks, but we meet them and begin introductions tomorrow.

Today, we are having friends over for lunch.

Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.

We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......

Then we went for a beer....

What's in a name?

I got an email from the boys' social worker on Friday, to say that the decision to match us with them has been ratified by the official decision maker.

We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons.  We expect that to begin tomorrow.

The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.

I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids!  And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification.  How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?

This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago.  We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004.  One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names."  They were boys names.  We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys.  We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them.  So we wrote the names down.

And then our friends had a little girl.  And then another little girl.  We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.

Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services.  There was one profile of two boys.  Something about them touched my heart.  I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.

We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next.  I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys.  Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full.  And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.

How mad is that???

We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it.  I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.

My first thought was,  "what a story to be able to tell our children!"

To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.

It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching.  It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision.  Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing.  Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...

Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead.  Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment.  And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'.  But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.

God is good!

Getting Ready

We've spent this week getting the house ready for the arrival of our boys, who we will meet on Monday.  We've been putting draw locks and cupboard locks in pertinent places and we now have stair gates at the top and bottom of the stairs.

We are seeing our house in a new light.  Many ordinary things are suddenly looking potentially hazardous...  Such as the blind cords in the lounge.  

The boys' room is looking great!  There was an evening recently when I suddenly realised that the beds will soon have real people in them!

A bit more about panel...

I was too excited to sit down and write anything coherent about our experience of panel, last time I blogged.

I had been about to take panel in our stride this time round.  A necessary process, but not particularly irksome.  Assuming that we would be matched with the boys at panel, I wasn't really that bothered.  But then we got a slightly panicked phone call from our social worker on Monday "Just to let us know" that the chair of panel was concerned about Andy's smoking and had spoken to the head of children's services about it.

And suddenly it was terrifying....

Having been to panel with our social worker before, we were somewhat pre-warned.  Last time, she was really anxious and spent the time we were waiting to go into panel, doing a very stressy high speed 'what to say in panel' pep talk.

So we took our lap top and a copy of the Pim and Bibble DVD, which we knew she wouldn't have seen, because it went to the boys social worker, James, who works in a different office in a different town.  When we arrived, Chris and James were both already there.  On cue, Chris, immediately began talking about panel and the smoking issue.

"Right," I said, "we've brought distraction techniques!  We thought you'd like to see the DVD.  And we've made introductory books for the children to show you..."

Chris agreed that she wanted to see the DVD.  She thought it was great and requested a copy to show her colleagues on the grounds that they should get to see it as all James' colleagues had seen it.

Panel was running an hour late.   So there was plenty of time to chat before we went in.  We mainly managed to steer the conversation away from panel and smoking.  At one point, two of James' colleagues popped their heads round the door to report that panel was 'in a good mood today'.  James introduced us. "Of course!" his colleague responded, "Pim and Bibble!!"

Panel was fine in the end.  To my surprise, the smoking issue barely came up.  I had both barrels loaded with lots of very passionate, well thought out arguments which I didn't need to use in the end.

Probably just as well.

The social workers went in before us and Chris told us afterwards that she had really laid into them about the fact that this is a good match and there are no perfect parents.  "I told them there are risks and vulnerabilities in every placement and this one is no different.  I told them how much you have to offer and what a good match this is.."  It evidently did the trick.  I got the distinct impression, when it came to it, that the reason they asked about the smoking was because it was on the list of questions they'd decided to ask rather than because they were worried about it.

It's done now!  Hooray!

Preparing for introductions

We have been having great fun, over the last few months, preparing things for the children to get before they meet us.  We did two sets of things in the end.

Firstly, we worked with our brilliant friends Marney and Stephen to produce a little story featuring us and two little monster puppets, called Pim and Bibble.

When thinking about how to introduce ourselves, we were pondering the ways that young children generally approach meeting new people.  We notice that directly introducing oneself to a small child quite often seems to alarm them.  They generally seem to like to observe for a bit.  Check people out first.  That being the case, we wanted to allow space for the kids to watch from the sidelines, as it were.  So we produced a story which just shows us interacting with the puppets.  Giving the kids the chance to see us and our home without all the baggage of knowing that we were going to be their parents.

The other thing we did was two more traditional photo books, with pictures of us and our house, which specifically introduce us as 'Mummy and Daddy'.  We managed to get hold of some talking photo albums, so that we could record messages to go with the pictures.

Because we were doing something slightly different from the norm, my major concern was that we would have put all that effort into creating a carefully staged, 2 part introduction only for social services to take everything to the foster home at once after matching panel and the kids not to see the DVD before the books.
I felt very out of control of the whole thing.

The boys' social worker suggested we bring everything to matching panel.  But I sent the DVD in the post first, with a long explanation as to why we wanted them to see the DVD first and how it really wouldn't matter if it happened before panel, because it doesn't mention us as parents, and if the match wasn't approved, they'd just be the owners of a slightly random kids DVD.

Delighted to say that they agreed!

They said yes!!!!!!

Well, we had matching panel yesterday and despite all the worries, they said yes!!

We will meet the boys and start introductions on the 23rd May.....

Eeek....

Matching Panel

We're off to matching panel this afternoon.  It is 10am and I am still in my dressing gown.  I've done some things, but in the back of my mind, I kind of think that the day hasn't really started, because I'm not dressed yet.  So there's nothing to panic about yet.  Sad, I know!

The last few days have been a real roller coaster emotionally.  I am pleased to say the terror gave way to excitement and I have been barely able to sit still.  

Then we had a phone call from the social worker on Monday night, to say that the chair of the panel has raised concerns with the manager of social services over the fact that Andy smokes.   Two days before panel!  Honestly!  

The issue came up in the approval panel.  We told them that Andy doesn't smoke in the house or around kids.  They seemed OK with that.  They didn't set any limits on the ages of the children we could adopt.  And now suddenly there's an issue.  

Honestly.  This process...  

Terror!

We have matching panel next Wednesday, which we fully expect to be a formality.  I expect it will feel like a very formal formality, when we are sat in that conference room again, with 15 people justifying their existence by asking us questions...

Assuming there are no hitches, we have an introductions planning meeting on the 23rd May and will meet the boys for the first time that day.

And I am currently terrified!!!!  I don't think I've ever been so stressed!  The kind of scared one is just before going on stage to do something major in front of lots of people.

I have been atrributing my stress to all sorts of other things.  Until, having woken up with my heart rate roughly normal, I picked up the letter inviting us to panel and terror struck again.

We have so much to get ready!  No idea what parenthood will be like!  No idea if we will be any good at it.  No clue what we're letting ourselves in for.  

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!