Doughnuts

I made doughnuts yesterday to take to church.  I usually take cake of some kind, and we hadn't got loads of stuff in the house, but I reckoned we'd probably got doughnut ingredients, so got a recipe online.  Then Andy came and joined me and got excited about the idea of injecting jam into them.  

Andy found a syringe but we discovered that jam with fruit in it just clogged it up.  Custard, however, was perfect.  Hey presto, custard doughnuts for church!  

Late night musings

It's been a funny week. I've been fighting a cold all week, and have felt horribly ill for most of it. Managed to get really stressed out last week about the assessment process, and this ridiculous ongoing saga of the alleged unsuitability of our garden. Which is what has contributed to the complete collapse of my immune system (OK - I exaggerate) this week and turned me into a mucus producing, washed out mess.

For anyone new to the saga, we have a lovely big garden which we share with our neighbours. According to our social services department, this poses a huge risk to any potential adopted children and the only way they can currently see of managing this risk is for us to put a fence up. We are now waiting for the verdict of the social services manager, who came to look at the situation earlier this week.

It all feels a bit odd really. By the end of our meeting on Wednesday, I was feeling very sure that the manager who visited was not going to budge on the issue of the fence. And feeling really low about the whole thing. Desperately sad about probably being pushed into dividing up our shared garden.

Since them, I've gathered more information and advice, and written him a somewhat lengthy email which makes it very clear that two different advisors from the best respected adoption organisation in the country would not feel we needed to separate our garden from the neighbours.

I would hate to have to put a fence up. It probably sounds a bit petty really. But the thing is, we love our garden. We burnt the fence on the barbeque, sat in our neighbour's garden, several years ago. And then set about creating a shared space. The result has been an absolute joy. We've had loads of parties in the garden. Lots of children have enjoyed playing in it. The thought of ending the thing we worked so hard to create, saddens me greatly. I hate the idea that our kids would miss out on the garden which has brought so much joy to so many other children (we actually only 'own' a very small portion of the garden - the rest belongs to the neighbour who so kindly shares it with us).

The really frustrating thing is that there is no good reason to put up a fence. We've had advice from independent experts saying that it's not necessary. And we've suggested very workable ways of dealing the potential 'risk'. So if they do decide that they don't want to continue with our assessment in the absence of a fence, it will be in the face of a great deal of evidence and common sense.

From an objective point of view, they really should be expected to come back to us and say they are happy for us to continue with our current arrangement. My experience over the last 2.5 years, however, has been that whenever social services have decided something, they have been completely and utterly immoveable.

So we're waiting. Hoping that for the first time in this process someone changes their mind and adopts a more enlightened approach. And hoping not to be shopping for fences this time next week.

Conversations with BAAF and my Mum

It's great to talk - as British Telecom used to say in their adverts. A couple of sane conversations have helped put me back on an even keel. Hooray!

BAAF, the British Association for Adoption and Fostering would be regarded as The Oracle on all matters adoption related in the UK. They provide advice and consultancy to parents and professionals alike and provided me with a sensible conversation this morning. The advisor I spoke to couldn't understand why the social work team are seeing our garden as such a problem. She thinks they are making a mountain out of a molehill. I told her all the things we've suggested to manage the shared garden and her response was:

If you've given them those particular solutions, I can't see why they're being so sticky about it. It seems very odd.

She evidently felt that it was the social workers, and not us, who were being unreasonable. I know we knew that already, but there is nothing like hearing from an expert to make you feel better.

The second sanity breathing conversation was with my Mum. Though she experiences similar infuriating interactions with social services, trying to get services for my sister, who has learning difficulties. It makes me very cross that the people who should be relieving the burden and making her feel helped and supported are a major added cause of stress in the already challenging role of looking after my sister.

I have emailed the manager who visited yesterday with the fairly blunt views of the BAAF advisor to aid him in his deliberations about our garden. We shall see what he comes back with...

Sitting on the fence....

Well, we had The Social Work Manager round today. To see the garden for himself and to discuss the matter of the fence with us in person. I'm not sure 'discuss' is quite the right verb in this context, but still.

The SWM looked at the garden in the way a loss adjuster looks at your car before declaring it a write off, and said things like "well, it's a lot more open plan than I thought it would be," and "this is really designed for adults, this garden, if I'm honest. It's not really a children's garden."

I spoke about all the ways in which we could manage the "risks" of sharing a garden. And to be honest, I could tell it was falling on deaf ears. He's gone away to think about it. But I know that they are most likely to say that we can't proceed if we don't put a fence up.

I feel utterly powerless. If we had kids, and for their wellbeing we needed to put a fence up, we'd do it. Of course we would. But this isn't going to benefit anybody at all. Quite the opposite. But there doesn't seem to be any way of having a logical, reasonable, conversation with them about it. It's about making social services feel more comfortably about their box-ticking exercise.

I feel angry, upset and powerless.

The saga of the fence continues...

Tomorrow we are to be graced with the presence of the social worker's manager's manager to discuss the matter of the fence. They've seen our risk assessment. I am guessing that it wouldn't take a personal visit from a senior manager to tell us it was fine.

Good to know that the time and resources of our public institutions is being put to good use.

Thought you might like these fence quotes:

“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.”
Robert Frost

“The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out.”
JRR Tolkein

Social workers, friendship and brandy

Our meeting with Chris, the social worker, went about as well as we could have expected this morning. Andy and I were both tired today. I was up until late finishing off my 'Garden Risk Assessment'. So by this morning, I had 'papers prepared' for our meeting. A set for each of us. Risk assessment, financial assessment, eco-map of friends and relatives, information about facilities for children in the local area. The only minor blot on my 'Oh so organised' image management strategy was the fact that I ran out of white paper, so some of it was printed on lurid blue.

Chris seems to have survived her phone call with Andy last night. Though she did look a bit stressed at times. We put our case for fencelessness quite eloquently I think. I always like to think I'm being calm and collected on these occasions, but have a suspicion that my passion leaks out and the calm, collected, professional veneer probably fools no one. Andy and I don't really do inscrutable.

Chris has agreed to take the risk assessment away and show it to her managers. She says she'll get back to us. All we can do now is wait and hope for an outbreak of sanity.

We spent most of the session going through the other stuff. I did steer the meeting a bit. Determined not to let the assessment get hijacked by the fence, I was heard to say things like "If you'd like to refer to the second set of papers" and "Shall we start with the financial assessment, which you'll find on the first page..."

Cringe.

We spent two and half hours with her. Saw M from next door in the garden. When he heard we'd spent 2 1/2 hours with the social worker, his question was "Brandy or scotch?" Oh, the joys of self employment!! Andy went back to work. I had a little brandy next door with M, and a chat. Oh the joy and gift of friendship!

Thought those of you who have been following our garden saga would like to see the offending article:

This is in case passing helicopters wonder what religion we are:

This is the bit that we would be left with post erection of a fence:

Shared garden risk assessment

I have now written a risk assessment in preparation for our meeting tomorrow. Hoping it does the trick.

I am posting said risk assessment here for the benefit of the bored and the insomniac. Oh, and Jill.

Wish us luck. Or pray. Whichever is your wont...

Risk Assessment – Shared Garden

Introduction

The garden area of 11 **** Road, home of prospective adopters Catherine and Andrew Cowell, shares a garden space with number 10 **** Road. This situation, whilst posing a small amount of risk, provides considerable benefits to any children who may be placed here.

There are real drawbacks to taking an overly cautious approach to this matter and considerable advantages to the current arrangement. The purpose of this document, therefore, is firstly to outline those risks benefits and secondly to propose control measures to effectively manage those risks.

Utilising shared open space is a normal and desirable part of growing up. Access to parks, playgrounds and the countryside are some examples. Moreover, shared garden arrangements are not unusual. Families who live in flats, for example, have access only to shared outside space. There are many parts of the world where private outside space would be considered an unimaginable luxury. Catherine grew up in a home with a shared garden and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

It is important to note that even if there was a fence in place, the outside space of this row of houses is not entirely private, as there is a right of way through the gardens in order to facilitate entrance to the gardens from outside.

This document is written following conversations both with Pat Arthur, social work manager, an advisor from the British Association of Adoption and Fostering and our neighbours, M*** and L***.

Benefits of shared garden area

· More than 75% of the garden area currently available to number 11 Earls Road, actually belongs to number 10 Earls Road. The current arrangement therefore provides a large, outside play area which would not otherwise be available.

· The neighbours, at number 10, are a key part of Catherine and Andrew’s support network. The shared garden provides lots of informal opportunities for socialising, chatting and accessing support that would not happen were the garden areas to be private.

· A shared garden provides opportunities for socialising with both children and adults which would not otherwise be available.

· The community atmosphere engendered is very positive and a considerable enhancement to quality of life.

Drawbacks to putting up a fence

· The loss of most of the currently available outside space.

· The loss of the informal support and neighbourly contact that currently occurs.

· The loss of a sense of shared community.

· The danger of alienating our neighbours at a time when a strong support network is most important.

Risks

· Health and safety of the area is not under the sole control of Catherine and Andy.

· Possible unsupervised contact between adopted children and adults who have not undergone CRB checks.

· It is not possible to control who visits number 10 and uses the garden. This poses the potential risk of contact with adults who are not known to Catherine and Andy.

· There may be risks posed by the adopted children, to other children playing in the garden area.

Control Measures

The first, and most important control measure, is simply the recognition by all concerned that the garden area is not, and cannot be treated as if it were, a solely private outdoor space. Alongside that, is the understanding that any children placed are potentially vulnerable and may engage in behaviour that puts them or others at risk.

Potential practical measures to control the risk are as follows:

· It is strongly suggested that L*** and M*** undergo CRB checks. L*** has already done this in order to facilitate voluntary work at a local high school. Both are willing to undergo CRB checks should this be appropriate.

· Before allowing access to the garden, parents will check the area to ensure that it is safe, and no physical hazards have appeared since last time.

· Parents will check whether the neighbours are at home and therefore potentially using the garden, before children go out to play.

· Assuming that the neighbours have undergone CRB checks, parents will monitor who is in the garden. If the neighbours are there with visitors, parents will either sit in the garden with the children or ensure that they have a clear view of what is happening in the garden from the house.

· The neighbours have been made aware of the issues with which an adopted child may present, in order to enable them to keep their grandchildren safe.

Things not to say the social worker number 73....

Andy and I have had a running joke ever since we began this ridiculous process. He doesn't really do politically correct. And every time he's said something that wouldn't go down well (such as "I like children, but I couldn't eat a whole one") I've said "Things not to say to the social worker number 27" or words to that effect.

I have a feeling that Andy has just said "Things not to say to the social worker" numbers 1 to 73. He rang earlier to say that he's had a row with the social worker.

My conversation with the social manager seems to have been misconstrued or ignored. So Chris rang to ask if we've decided whether or not to put a fence up yet. She wasn't going to come if we hadn't made our minds up.

Andy told her exactly what he thought. Beginning with "The fence is not going up and that's the end of it," and touring through "Your service is small minded and flow-chart driven." Those are the bits he's told me about.

Oh ***?>!*

An update on the fence situation

Following the fence related missive from social services, I spoke to the manager of the department, to ask what risks they are trying to avoid by getting us to put up a fence and to make her aware of the possible down side of this.

She admitted that they have never encountered this issue before, and therefore don't really know how to deal with it. They are worried that we can't control who visits the neighbours.

By the end of the conversation, she had agreed that it will be acceptable for us to come up with an alternative plan to putting up a fence, so long as we can present something credible to the adoption panel.

Sounds like quite a lot of work over something that shouldn't really be an issue. But still. I was quite proud of myself for remaining professional and constructive when, to be honest, that wasn't really how I was feeling.

Not enough fences....

We had another missive today from Social Services. An envelope from Social Services is not generally a harbinger of joy. This was no exception. My positive feelings after our house inspection were misplaced. The problem? We share a garden with our neighbours.

Our social worker would hate this to be an issue when we go to panel, so is there any way we could re-instate the fence.

Well, we could. Of course we could. But I don't actually think our children would come to any harm from sharing a garden with the neighbours. In fact, given that most of the land belongs to the neighbours and not us, they would gain a very large garden to play in (well, large by UK standards) whereas if there was a fence up, there would only be a very small patioed area. Not ideal at all.

Drafting a letter and hoping that common sense will prevail. What do you think the chances of that are??

The form

Questions questions questions questions questions....

I have been writing answers to these questions for ages. And the list doesn't seem to be getting any shorter.

Think I might give this up and go and paint the Forth Bridge...

Andy's birthday BBQ and Eco-maps..

We had a lovely barbeque for Andy's 46th birthday. My friend Marney 'twitters' in Haiku. Here is her succinct description of the occasion:

Birthday barbecue./Well toasted friendship./Delicious conversation!

I am now avoiding cleaning up the devastation caused by this highlight in the social calendar by blogging. Andy is avoiding it by sleeping...

So. Eco Maps.

For the uninitiated, an 'eco-map' is a diagram created by potential adoptive parents, detailing the local and social resources available once the child / children arrive and the sanity of the parents begins to depart. Some would say that embarking on this process in the first place proves that it packed its bags and left long ago. But let's not go there...

Anyway. This map is supposed to include things like local amenities such as parks, play groups, swimming pools. And a description of our social network and the support we can expect to get from it. We need to produce this at our next meeting with the social worker in two and half weeks time.

My initial thoughts were that it is probably not possible to say exactly what sort of support we will get from people until it actually happens. Neither will we know exactly what sort of support we want. In the end, we will need to create our support network as we go along. I also don't feel terribly comfortable about asking people what help, if any, they intend to provide when we have kids. However, we have to produce this thing and I'm guessing it's not a great idea just to make it up.

With that in mind, I made the decision to actually ask our friends what they thought. The first person I asked took my seriously and was just fantastic. She is prepared, she says, to be available to come round for an hour in crisis moments and provide support and help us calm things down. Perhaps look after one child whilst we deal with crisis with another.

Brilliant! Not only will that look excellent on our eco-map, but, more importantly, it will be incredibly helpful to know that she's prepared to do that.

Emboldened by this conversation, I asked our dear friends gathered round the barbeque.

"Are you allowed to say that people will pray for you?"

"We've got loads of kids videos you can have."

Not quite what I was hoping for the form, but still...not bad...

"We'll be at hand to tell you 'we told you so' "

"...and 'We did warn you...'"

"Best of all, because we don't have any kids, we'll be able to give you advice."

"And tell you where you're going wrong..."

Oh well. Maybe at a party with beer was not the best moment to pick. Never mind. I think there's a park round the corner.