Let's raise a toast to the kids!

There have been some fabulous documentaries on Channel 4 the last few weeks. They were called "Find me a Family" and have followed the journeys of a number of potential adopters. An adoption campaigner, David Akansanya, has been persuading potential adopters to consider some of the more difficult to place children. Although it's been a bit obviously edited for TV and for the "Aah" factor, it's been really interesting.

The frustrating bit is the clips of kids waiting to be adopted. I have to shout at the telly.
"Chantelle, Mary and John are waiting because they can't find a family who are willing to adopt all three of them together."
"WE WILL! WE WILL! CHOOSE US!"
"David and John are 5 and 3. No one will adopt them together so they have been waiting for 2 years."
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE. SO HAVE WE."

The inspiring thing is the kids.

The one I watched today followed a gay couple who keep horses and dogs. They were questioned by a panel of teenagers who have been adopted. The kids were brilliant! Although they asked questions about how they would support a child if the 'having two dads' thing became an issue amongst their peers, none of them were concerned about the gay issue at all. "It wouldn't bother me. So long as you're kind. And you both seem very nice," was the unanimous verdict. But they were searingly insightful about the fact that here was a couple who hadn't really considered how a child would fit into their very busy lives (they were much more realistic by the end). "They've got a very fixed idea about what the child needs to be like. They need to broaden their thinking," was the consensus, "because we can be difficult because of the stuff we've been through." They should have adopted kids on adoption panels for sure. In fact, why don't they?

The social worker kept asking what they would do if they were matched with a child who didn't like horses. Give me strength! I'd have said "Well don't match us with a child that doesn't like horses. Match us with one that likes animals. Match us with someone for whom being with horses will be therapeutic."

They also went to visit a young lad who was adopted age nine and has been with his parents for 2 years. He was able to talk really coherently about how it had taken time to build up trust in his parents and the difficulties he had controlling his anger to begin with. I know adults who couldn't speak as insightfully about their experiences and feelings as this lad.

Here's to the kids!

What do you do while you're waiting?

I don't mean "How do you keep occupied?" There's plenty to do! We're going to Africa for 3 months, for starters. I mean, what do you do with all that mix of emotion? Do you try and stay interested in the adoption thing, or do you push it to one side?

We're in another of those adoption process waiting periods. After our brief flurry of activity with Birmingham adoption agency, we're waiting again. This time for Staffordshire to complete medical stuff. It's really difficult to know how to handle this period of time constructively.

Last year, we were in a waiting phase almost all year. That time, waiting for Andy's tests to be completed so that we could proceed with the adoption medical. We'd been through the initial excitement of deciding we wanted to adopt, and then it all got put on hold. I just shoved it all to the back of my mind, on the grounds that it was easier than trying to stay keen and focussed, after all, there was nothing we could do. But then I got really emotionally confused. Did I want to adopt? Really? Could it really be possible that I actually wanted to, if I could so easily not think about it for so long?

Then, when we were at Greenbelt in August, I went to a seminar about adoption and fostering and spent the next 3 hours sobbing my heart out. Completely baffling explosion of emotion. Not terribly easy, but actually, in a bizarre way rather comforting to know that I did still care about it.

So this year, we're kind of back in the same situation again. Still waiting for medical clearance, with no idea how long it will take. This time, I'm staying interested and passionate. But careful not to let myself get too obsessive. Making sure I don't look at the "Be My Parent" website too often (sometimes it's hard to resist).

If / when we become parents, all this waiting will be a distant memory. And, I have a feeling, the traumas of the adoption process will be nothing compared with the challenges of actually being parents. Ha! Bring it on!

Flights are booked!!!

We booked our flights to Africa yesterday. How exciting!! We leave on the 30th June and will return on the 4th October. We're spending 4 weeks with Youth for Christ in South Africa (Mpumalanga), about 3 weeks in Pemba, Mozambique, with Iris Ministries and around 5 weeks in Uganda, with a little charity called the Kabanda Trust. Then we're finishing with a week's holiday in Cape Town, South Africa.

Andy found me this picture of the beach at Pemba.

Today we've been buying mosquito nets and quizzing my well travelled sister and brother in law about the best insect repellant and other handy hints. (They are exceptionally well travelled and have a blog to prove it: www.travbuddy.com/nidge76 Loads of fab pictures.)

The website has loaded!

Hooray! Finally! My lovely Nightchurch website has loaded! Visit www.nightchurch.net to see it.

Birmingham says "no"...South Africa says "yes"!

At last. An answer from Birmingham adoption agency this evening. They have finally decided that we are too far outside their area to deal with. This is after we've been to Birmingham for 2 appointments, persuaded our lodgers to go to Birmingham to complete their CRB checks, filled in several forms and been in their system for weeks. Since way before Easter.

I have cried a bit. Am wondering how I'll cope if this all comes to nothing in the end and wondering if there's any point in all this. I suspect this will not be the last time I feel like this.

Now taking a deep breath. Thankfully we didn't formally withdraw from the process with Staffordshire. They are still processing our medicals. Will need lots and lots of patience. They are very very slow. But they do have lots of kids needing a family.

Good things.....

Went to a fabulous study day in Cardiff today. On Dyspraxia following stroke. Lovely to be learning and thinking.

We have heard from the organisation we're going to volunteer with in South Africa. Hooray! We'll be working in schools, with orphans and vulnerable children and with the childrens' programme in a local church. How cool is that?!!

Off to the pub now for curry church. We meet friends at a local hostelry for curry, prayer and conversation. It was really lovely last time. And God answered some prayers wonderfully.

My lovely new website won't load. Ho hum.

More opportunities for serenity....!

It's Tuesday evening. Still no news from Birmingham about whether we are able to adopt with them or not. I will ring tomorrow. Practising grace in the meantime...

I completely revamped our Nightchurch website yesterday. It took ages, but I'm really pleased with the result.

Learning serenity or losing the will to live?

Does dealing with the sometimes pointless and usually furstrating bureaucracy of adoption need to be destructive, or could it be something that God uses to help me to grow? This is a thought that has been floating about in my mind for a couple of weeks.

I have a real problem with processes that get in the way of achieving what is meant to be the goal. Particularly when they are administered by people who seem oblivious to the fact that they are counter productive and insist that they must be applied anyway. I feel compelled to point out the pointlessness and argue politely but vociferously that common sense demands that the process be laid aside in this instance. This almost always changes nothing and I end up feeling powerless and frustrated.

Some while back, I asked God what the point of patience is. It's listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit. It's a virtue that I have generally ignored. After all, being patient doesn't exactly get things done, does it? It's not really a 21st century virtue.

I am beginnning to see the point. One of the things about being impatient, is that one tends to see anyone who is getting in the way, not as a person but as an obstacle. Being patient in a supermarket queue, for example, allows space to notice people and even to be nice to them. I guess in the adoption process, being a bit more patient will help me to view the people we deal with - even the social workers - more compassionately.

I eventually rang the social worker on Thursday night, not having heard from her, at 7:30pm. She couldn't find out what the assessment team felt about us living in Stoke on Trent because she couldn't get into her email.

"I'll just have to ring them tomorrow."

Her tone of voice suggested that this was an extreme action, but one she was prepared to take on our behalf. So yesterday, I was waiting for the phone again. You know that dilemma, where someone has said they will ring, and you need to work out how long to leave it before you phone them? I'm thinking, 'I need to leave it long enough, that it doesn't look like I'm harassing her, but I need to ring early enough in the day, that she still has time to do something about it if we've slipped off her list.' In the end, I rang at about 11am, largely because I'd spoken to Andy, who was really very cross that we didn't know, when the lodgers were booked in to do their CRB checks the next day, and wanted me to ring immediately. He had a point, so I did.

I eventually spoke to the SW at lunchtime. She still doesn't have an answer for us. Apparently there are 3 teams of people who need to agree that us living in Stoke on Trent is OK. The screening team, the assessment team and the after care team. The screening team and the assessment team are OK with it. We're awaiting an answer from the after care team which we will get on Tuesday. Allegedly.

"But the lodgers are booked to go to Birmingham for their CRB check tomorrow. They could go, and it could turn out to be a waste of time. Can't we get an aswer today?"

Of course we can't. Her advice was to let them have the CRB check anyway. Given that they are travelling through Birmingham today anyway, that organising for them to go another time would be much more difficult than them doing it now, and that we're only waiting for one more team to say yes, it seemed like good advice. It was a relief to know we'd got as much information as we could this week and to decide to let it go.

Andy was really cross that we hadn't got an answer. "DIDN'T YOU TELL THEM WE NEED TO KNOW? THE LODGERS ARE GOING TO DO THEIR CRB CHECKS TOMORROW AND IT COULD BE A WASTE OF TIME!"

"Yes I did. I could have said it as many times as I liked, but it wasn't going to change anything."

I actually felt at peace about it. I'd done what I could do. Remember the AA prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really makes sense.