Waiting well

Anybody who has been anywhere near adoption, or anyone engaged in the process of adoption, will know that the process consists mainly of waiting. If you've had infertility treatment (which I didn't), you have to before you can apply. When you first ring an agency, you have to wait for a social worker to be able to come and see you. If you've been approved to be a parent, you have to wait to be matched. If you've been assessed, you have to wait for a panel meeting to be approved. And so on and so on....

Andy and I have been waiting since November 2007. We're now part way through the adoption preparation course, after which, we will be allowed to make a formal application to adopt. And then we will get assessed. And if we are thought to be fit to be parents, we will probably be waiting to be matched. And I find myself saying again, "We might have children by next Christmas!"

Although there have been excruciating moments, when the whole thing has felt really difficult, it has been OK. If someone had said to me in November 2007, that we would still be waiting to be assessed in 2010, I would have been horrified, and we might not have gone ahead at all. Interestingly though, here we are in 2010 and I am no less enthusiastic about adopting than I was back then. I'm excited about the assessment process and looking forward to all the planning and adjusting to possibly having kids that we are going to need to do.

So what's helped? Quite a few things actually. Here are some:

• Focussing on the other things in our lives and not being obsessive about becoming parents.
• Trusting God that He is ultimately in control of whether and when we become parents.
• Going with the ebb and flow of my emotions around adoption. In the first year or so, I spent a lot of time trying to work out how I felt about it and whether I really wanted to do it. Nothing was happening, and as a defence mechanism, I pushed the whole thing to the back of my mind. Then when I realised I hadn't thought about it for a while, I felt guilty and wondered if that meant I didn't really want kids after all. That was completely pointless and quite painful at times. So I think about it when I think about it. We talk about it when we talk about it. If I haven't thought about it for weeks, I don't worry. If I'm thinking about it every day I don't worry.
• Enjoying the moment! Taking things one step at a time and not thinking too far ahead.
• Enjoying the occasional maternal moments when I feel emotional about seeing children and feel that pang of longing as being part of who I am. Sometimes I feel sad and that's OK. I don't have to live in that place but it's OK if I need to visit it sometimes.
• Making the most of not having kids yet! We went to Africa for three months in the summer and it was fab. It would have been a great deal more complicated with kids in tow and we probably wouldn't have done it. Tomorrow night we're going out for curry and we don't need a babysitter! On Thursday, we fancied popping along to the pub and we did.

Today I'm excited and pleased that we are on this journey.

Adoption Preparation Course

We did day one of our adoption preparation course today. It was interesting. Talking about all the steps still to go in the process was a bit depressing. Meeting other potential adopters was great.

Andy and I were the most vocal people there by quite a long way. Not sure that's a good thing really!!! I try and keep quiet, then I get interested and excited and want to engage in discussion. Not very British. If we'd been on a course in the U.S. I'm fairly sure we'd have blended in nicely!

CRB checks

Our social worker, Barbara, came to see us on Monday evening to complete CRB checks with us. I was expecting it to be a brief meeting, but she stayed for ages and chatted. They've had most of our references back from people and she was evidently quite impressed with what people had written. "People have said how much children enjoy coming here," she told us. She was also very encouraging about the experience that we've had with children. And told us to enjoy the course. It was a really affirming meeting.

It was actually the last time we'll see Barbara in her official capacity. We get passed on to someone else for the home study after the course. We asked how long things would be likely to take from here. She says that the assessment will take around 4 months and that quite often children are identified during the assessment process. Were there sibling groups waiting for adoption in Staffordshire? we asked. "Oh yes, lots." she replied.

Oh my goodness. Whilst this process continues to be pretty unpredictable, it sounds as if we could be nearer to meeting our family than we think. While on the surface, I often find myself questioning our sanity at even considering adopting a group of kids, deep inside I'm hugging a quiet sense of joy and excitement.

Saying goodbye

I said goodbye to my grandfather last Sunday. He was 93 and pretty frail. My sister rang me while we were cooking for guests, last Saturday, to say that he had become very ill and had stopped eating and drinking. So Andy and I drove down to Milton Keynes to see him on Sunday.

If I'm honest, I went because it felt like the right thing to do, rather than because I expected either myself or my grandad to get anything out of my being there. Particularly as my sister said we might not recognise him and he might not recognise us. I wasn't even convinced he was necessarily very close to death. Some of my work over the years has been with very old people and there have been plenty of times when people who were apparently about to die, were still there weeks later.

I can honestly say I have never been more glad to see someone than when I saw my grandfather last Sunday. I'm not sure whether he recognised me. He definitely knew we were there some of the time and he smiled at me several times. But I recognised him. And remembered how special he'd been to me. And how fond I was of him, particularly as a child.

A strange and poignant meeting.

Grandad died at ten past seven on Monday morning.

To my deep sadness, his funeral is a week on Monday, which is the first day of our adoption preparation course. So realistically, we won't be able to go. So last Sunday really was goodbye.

Still excited!

It's just three weeks now until our preparation course.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know why I'm so excited really. It will be great to meet people in our area who are beginning the same journey. Chatting to a friend on Monday who knows a family that adopted a sibling group of 3 about 18 months ago. She says she'll see if she can arrange for us to meet. That would be great. Although I know quite a few people who have known people that have adopted, I don't know anyone first hand. Following blogs is about as close as I've got.

Plenty busy with work and stuff in the meantime.

Website

I have been working with my husband on a new website for our church. It didn't take that long to develop, but it took an absolute age to get the thing on-line.

FINALLY!!! We've done it. Hooray!

It's here if you'd like a look:

Church Without Walls

Excited!!!!

We just got a form through the post this week, inviting us to an adoption preparation class in February. I sent it back today. I'm really excited!! I'm excited about the course. I'm excited about our friends and family writing and sending off their reference forms.

I know that for many people, all this bureaucratic stuff feels like a nuisance (and it may feel that way to us in a few months time - my patience with paperwork and processes is not great). For me, having spent 2 years waiting for it to start, it really feels wonderful! We are on our way at last!

It's also time to begin to think about what having kids would actually mean for us practically. I have deliberately resisted doing that because Andy's medical history could so easily have meant it wouldn't happen. I really wanted to take one day at a time. To have created the image of a family in my head for it then to be potentially dashed felt unwise. There is enough grief in the whole infertility experience already, without willfully adding to it, thank you very much. So it's only now that, tentatively, I'm starting to think about it.

And I'm really excited!