Adoption Journey and Other Adventures

Swimming

2011-06-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went out to buy swimming costumes and arm bands.

Today we braved swimming.

Neither of the boys had ever been swimming before. So this was something of an adventure. I was particularly concerned about taking littlest son. He doesn't like noise, has only just got used to the bath and deeply dislikes standing bare foot on any kind of uncarpeted surface.

We picked our pool carefully. There is a leisure pool designed for young children not far from us. It has lots of very shallow pools, some little slides between pools, a gently sloping beach style entrance and a gentle river rapids area.

They both did marvellously. Though as predicted, J was really scared to begin with and cried lots. To the point where I was seriously considering taking him back to the changing room to get dressed.

The thing that cracked it was a little slide from one pool to another. He loves slides and thought this one was marvellous. By the end, he was having a great time. He even went in the big pool with Daddy who took him on a ride through the rapids on a large float.

A was also nervous to begin with, but soon was relishing exploring what was on offer. He too came in the big pool for a ride round the rapids with Mummy. They both thought it was brilliant and are looking forward to repeating the experience.

A Miracle!

2011-06-22T00:32:00.002-07:00

It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!

Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....

A Miracle!

2011-06-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

It's 8:30 and the kids are still asleep in bed!!!

Think I'd better go and check they've not been kidnapped....

Pirates

2011-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, for some bizarre reason, the boys decided that it would be a great idea to put the decorative glass pebbles from the coffee table in the living room (the obvious choking hazard pebbles, that I am now rounding up and disposing of) down my front and into my bra.

My first thought in response to this wanton intrusion into my undergarments? "What a great attachment opportunity!" Oh the surreal world of adoptive parenting...

We then marched upstairs to see if Mummy rattled when she walked and A reclaimed the beads as treasure for his Fisher Price pirate ship and we did lots of talking in pirate voices.

And then Andy's head appears round the door in a pirate style head scarf / bandanna.

Priceless.

Andy of course delighted in making reference to treasure chests.....

"He Looks Just Like You..."

2011-06-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

Packing my shopping at Tesco the other day, trying to subtly keep a tired and wired littlest son from damaging the fixtures and fittings when I realised the cashier was going all gooey eyed.

"You can tell he's yours!" she said.

This has not happened to me before. I'm really not quite sure how to take it. Realising that looking bemused is not the expected response I cast about in my brain for some words.

"I suppose he does look a bit like me," I say, thinking "We have the same number of eyes???"

She then proceeded to compliment J's general beauty and cuteness which made me feel so proud it almost brought a tear to my eye. "Oh thank you! You've made me go all proud!" I said. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed.

She had no way of knowing she was the first stranger to compliment me about my children or the first person to say that J or A look like me.

Exhausted.... But Still Dancing

2011-06-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted.

I knew that becoming parents would be more difficult and more tiring than anything I had ever done. I also knew that we had absolutely no idea what it would be like.

We have two boys who need lots and lots of attention. They are gorgeous. They also carry a lot of emotional hurt and damage. Littlest son I suspect, is carrying a fair amount of anxiety. He seems to live on adrenaline. His foster carer's son referred to him as the Ever Ready Bunny.

Oldest son seems to need to be in control. This means that whatever we ask him to do, he tries to find a way of not quite doing what we've asked, or refuses to do it, or says he will and then starts doing it and stops, or does it ridiculously slowly. If you say 'you've got another 5 minutes and then we're going' he says "I'll just have 10 minutes." If you say "Could you give that to me," he says "I'll give it to Daddy."

He also doesn't cope very well if things go too well for him. Too much praise or success and you can just about guarantee he will be super difficult in what looks like a very definite attempt to sabotage things. A favourite trick is to ask for something he knows you're going to say 'no' to just so he's got a reason to have a Super Sulk. And you can see it in his expression before he asks the question. Tonight it was a request to do some hoovering before he had his bath. Far be it from me to refuse ANYONE the opportunity to hoover my house - but it really wasn't the right moment.

If we can get some attachment promoting activity into the day, it really helps his behaviour and his mood and helps youngest son to calm down a little. So we are aiming for, and generally managing, two or three "cuddly times" with each of them and looking out for opportunities for play and cuddles and fun. We are also doing everything we can to maintain clear boundaries and communicate that we are the ones in control, without becoming unwitting players in A's script of life where he is unloved and shunned or disapproved of. And attempting to get them into the fresh air where they can run off some of the energy and adrenaline.

I also notice that their world view and priorities are very different from ours. It's very easy to interpret behaviour as difficult, when it just doesn't come from your perspective. When you're 5 the world is genuinely interesting at every turn. Sometimes A is being deliberately awkward. Sometimes though, he is simply doing things at his pace or operating on a completely different plane. Earlier, we were coming back from somewhere, I was getting them in the car and he proceeded to open all the car doors. I'm beginning to think "here we go again" when he says excitedly "Look Mummy! It's an aeroplane!" And he was right. It did look like an aeroplane with all the doors open. "Wow! You're right! It does look like an aeroplane!" I said., reflecting inwardly on the importance of trying to see the world through their eyes and not just mine. This passing event was significant enough to A to want to tell Daddy when we got home.

Thursday I was Super Mummy. I managed to find ways of circumventing almost every sulk by turning things into games, I responded to every opportunity for hugs and attachment. I walked down the garden with littlest son about 40 times to fetch his ball because he wanted me to go with him.

Friday I was exhausted. And irritable. And feeling guilty about being exhausted and irritable. By the end of the day I was just about done in. Didn't know how I would make through tea time and bed time.

Then I walked into the kitchen where the kids had found the radio and were dancing to radio 2. We danced together for about half and hour. And I wasn't exhausted anymore....

Noise

2011-06-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Have I just not noticed how noisy the world is, or are we jinxed in some way? Littlest son needs cuddles when there is noise about. Particularly lawn mowers, hedge trimmers and the like. I swear, for the first two weeks we had them, EVERY TIME we went to a park, there was a lawn mower.

Last week, at our local park there was no less than four lawn mowers. FOUR! It's really not that big a park.

Today, everybody in the world was cutting trees down.

The other day, just as we were leaving the house, a mechanical road sweeper came down our road. We have lived here seven years and I have never ever seen a road sweeper of any description in our little road. Let alone a noisy, growly, mechanical one. And it appears just as we're leaving the house. FOUR TIMES it went up and down the road.

Hmm.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you....

Things that bring unbridled joy....

2011-06-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

Feeding ducks.
Being pulled round the house on duvet with your brother.
A stick that breaks unexpectedly when you lean on it.
Anything you can jump off.
Anything that splashes.
Exploring the tent display at Go Outdoors....

Watching your new sons find joy in the ordinary.

The ironies of child safety equipment.

2011-06-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

The first irony is that supervising a small child at the top of the stairs AND trying to open the gate is definitely more dangerous than just supervising the child.

Secondly, there's cupboard locks. Before the kids arrived, we spent hours fitting safety gates and child locks on all our cupboards and kitchen drawers. The cutlery drawer is particularly difficult to open because the child safety catch is really stiff. Andy and I usually have to find a screwdriver or a piece of cutlery in order to open it.

The other day, A demonstrated and explained, in a helpful sort of tone, how to open the cutlery drawer. "You just have to press this down like this and it opens!" His fingers are small enough to do the job without the aid of spoon handle or screwdriver. Somewhat amused, I asked him to show Andy what he'd shown me. "You just do it like this," he said, "and I can open these too" he continued proudly, opening the cupboards with child locks.

Oh well....

Things I am learning.....

2011-06-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

It's a steep learning curve, this parenting lark. Anyone who knows us will not be surprised to hear that it's the practical stuff, rather than the interacting with kids stuff, that I am finding most taxing. Things are getting easier though. Here are a few things that haven't happened for a day or two:

Cleaning a saucepan that I've burnt food to the bottom of. (I am a pretty competent cook, but somehow cooking at the same time as having kids in the house is quite tricky for some bizarre reason)
Putting Js shoes on the wrong feet.
Putting a nappy on the back to front.
Moistening a finger for quicker access to a nappy sack and then realising it had poo on it.
having to rescue the house from complete chaos after the boys have gone to bed.
Crawling into bed before 8pm and sleeping 'til morning.

Here are a few things I've learnt:

Either kids tops have ridiculously small head - holes or J has an abnormally large head. Every time I take a top off I am little concerned I might pull his head off with it.
How to put Js shoes on easily - you have to loosen the straps completely and then they just slip on!
How to cook a simple meal without Andy taking the kids into a different room / county.
The words to "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" (A's current and only favourite book) off by heart.

We are beginning to establish a routine. At the moment, the events in the routine are pretty consistent, but our timing is not exactly military. Quite often things take a lot longer than we thought they would. The meal I thought I'd knock up in 50 minutes took over an hour and a half today, for instance. Yesterday, J and A had both been up ridiculously early, but then J came into our room and fell asleep again with Andy. And then getting them to breakfast seemed to take forever.

We are managing three meals a day, however, all sat round the table. Which the children really enjoy. The first or second day they were at ours, A wanted to get down because he thought he'd finished. We made him stay put until we'd all finished and that has worked really well. Though it makes me feel a little Victorian. It means we don't have to be trying to supervise one child in one part of the house, whilst encouraging the other to continue to eat and trying to eat our dinner at the same time. It also means that he often eats more because he decides he wants a bit more of something. The imposed three healthy meals a day plus fruit is probably doing Andy and I some good as well!

Day 3

2011-06-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

We had the boys' social worker come to visit today. The boys were very pleased to see him and delighted to show him around the house. When he arrived, we had been feeding the ducks and Andy was showing oldest son how to climb over the big wooden gate that is in front of the canal tow path just outside our house. It's one of those proper old fashioned farm style wooden gates. Perfect for climbing over.

We took them for a long walk this afternoon, so we were all tired by the time we got back. Just the right amount of tired. We had a great tea time and evening together.

The great Bath time conquest and other scary things...

2011-06-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

J, our youngest son, is a bit scared of a few things. He loves slides but won't countenance anything that swings. There are also particular mechanical noises that really frighten him. We have been working on this by holding him and then going together to find out what the noise is. Today, it was someone with an electric saw, cutting down a tree across the canal from us. Safely with Mummy, he waved and giggled at the men cutting the tree down. But still wanted to sit with me for the next half hour or so.

By far his biggest fear is water. Mainly of the getting washed in it kind. When we were at the Foster Carer's home, we saw him having a shower and he was terrified. Screaming, distressed, terrified. And he's not a screamy, whingy, child at all. Showers aren't great for kids, but apparently he wasn't much for baths either.

At our house, he was obviously very nervous of the bath. Happy to watch the water coming out of the taps, but very resistant to get anywhere near to getting in the bath. Even when it was dry and he was fully clothed.

So we decided I would go in the bath with him. Night one, he yelled lots just getting his clothes off. So I held him and soothed once he was undressed until he calmed down. Then we got in the bath, and he screamed again, so I held him against me, but out of the water, until he calmed. And then gradually, safe with Mummy, he discovered the joys of splashing! Within about 10 minutes, we had a happy, laughing boy, in the bath.

Yesterday, our friend Jill brought round some toys for playing with in the bath, which we tried out in the garden in a bowl of water first. Both boys love them! When it came to bath time, J still definitely needed to be very very close to Mummy, but he actually asked to be undressed so he could have his bath. I can't tell you how delighted I am to have conquered the bath thing! He can have fun at bath time now!!

Perhaps we'll leave swimming for a few weeks though.....

The Boys are Home!

2011-06-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

A and J came home yesterday. The last few days of introductions were absolutely exhausting. We were travelling almost an hour on the motorway to collect them, to bring them to ours for the day and then take them back down the motorway so they could sleep at the Foster Carers'.

The kids are really full on. Needing lots of attention and stimulation. A is pushing every boundary he spots. Despite the fact he really quite likes to please. We are working at being consistent and ensuring there are boundaries whilst still working out what boundaries we think there ought to be. And working to present a united front. Fortunately A's attempts at divide and conquer lack finesse at present. He asks the same question of both us, when we are in clear earshot of each other!!

Last night they got to sleep really well, slept through until about quarter to seven, apart from a brief waking up and screaming moment at half three, which was easily sorted with a cuddle, and then played quietly for about 45 minutes. I slept really well, except when disturbed by Andy who was alert to every sound and checking on them when he heard noises - such as the neighbours walking about next door!

2011-05-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

Great time with the kids at our house this morning!

Now off to Birmingham to retrieve my poorly car......

Rain, Attachment and Mechanical Failure

2011-05-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

The boys are visiting us at home today, for the first time. I slept really badly last night, despite going to bed at a reasonable hour and being utterly exhausted. Just too much happening in my head.

We arrived back home last night, after 2 days in North Birmingham. We were doing bedtime on Wednesday and the morning routine yesterday with the boys, so it made sense to sleep over somewhere nearby.

We had a great time on Wednesday. A had a 'good bye' party at school in the morning and then we picked him up at lunchtime to go to an appointment. Everyone was partying hard when we arrived. His teacher got all his classmates to make him a goodbye card and she's taken some photos of the party.

The school have handled things brilliantly. Everyone seems to know what's happening. His whole class has seen his family book and DVD. The move has been celebrated by everyone as a positive thing and he has had chance to say goodbye properly. One of the staff spoke to us yesterday and said how much they appreciated all the preparation materials. She said they'd had a child who'd been adopted with a different authority and there had been none of those things. "It was horrible. There were people coming into the classroom and we weren't allowed to say anything and the child was getting more and more anxious. It's lovely to see it done properly."

We went to the park with them both in the afternoon. and had a great time. J fell over a couple of times. I have been looking out for attachment cycle opportunities this week. Big cuddles after falling over and being scared felt very important. J, who is generally really frenetic, came and sat on my lap for ages and we watched A having fun with Andy. He even conquered the big boys' climbing frame, with support and encouragement from his Dad.

Thursday we took A to school for his last day and then had a whole day scheduled with J, until it was time to pick him up from school. The foster carer was obviously looking forward to our day out together too! It was absolutely pouring with rain, by the time we'd dropped A off. What on earth do you do with a 2 year old, in a town you don't know, for 5 hours in the pouring rain? We asked the foster carer, who had no ideas at all but rang her son-in-law who suggested a soft play place. We arrived at the soft play place, to find it very shut. What now?

Andy spied a Sure Start centre. So we parked the car there and I went in to ask about places to go. They had some sessions in the afternoon, a couple of leaflets and the opening times of the soft play centre. It opened later in the morning. Got back to the car and it wouldn't start. At all. Despite encouragement. I had helpfully not got round to updating our breakdown cover.

What on earth do you do with a 2 year old in a town you don't know, in the pouring rain, with a broken down car? By that time, ironically, the soft play centre round the corner, was open. So I took J there whilst Andy found a garage to tow the car away. We spent the day at the soft play place and got a bus back to the foster carer's house in time to walk to A's school to pick him up.

Not knowing the buses that well, we allowed an hour and a half to get back to the foster carer's house, because we desperately didn't want to be late to pick up A. And we had no mobile phone. Mine ran out of charge and I'd left it in the car. Usually, I'd have remembered to take a charger with us, given we were away over night. But there's been rather a lot to think about this week!

It took 20 minutes to get to the carer's home. Leaving us with an unscheduled hour in the house back in the 'he's not one for toys' scenario. Whichever child we are with, the foster carer will explain that the other one would play with toys, but not this one. This time, we went and got the one toy that we knew where to find - a Fisher Price fire station and fire engine - and J played very happily, with a bit of interaction and encouragement, for an hour. Faced with this irrefutable evidence, the foster carer explained that 'J will play with toys, but A isn't interested unless...'

We have warmed to the foster carers a bit this week. Now we've all become accustomed to one another, she has warmed to us and we've seen her softer side. At the start of the week, she came across as being very cold. Now she's relaxed, we've seen her softer side. She does have genuine affection for the children she looks after. It's a home of rules and structure, rather than one of fun and nurture. And the fact she really doesn't like mess and muddle is the most likely reason for the intolerance of toys about the place. That, and the fact that the boys need a bit of encouraging to get going with play sometimes.

The routine, structure and boundaries have provided physical safety and security, which has made a big difference to A and J. Those are the things we will be keen to replicate. The things we plan to add are fun, stimulation and love and cuddles.

We got home last night with the help of a very kind friend, who came and fetched us. Our car is still at the garage. The boys are coming to visit us today, with one of the foster carers and a social services support worker. Just time to make sure the house is safe......

Introductions Day 2

2011-05-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today, we were scheduled to be with the kids at the foster carer's home from 2 pm until bedtime. The plan at this stage, is that we observe how the foster carer parents the children, so that we can provide something similar to begin with. It's not quite working out like that...

When we arrived, It was just J at home as A was still at school. J was in the lounge with absolutely nothing to play with except a cardboard tube and CBeebies on the TV. It's not that the kids don't have toys. We're gradually bringing piles of them back with us. But for some reason, the foster carers seem incredibly reluctant to encourage them to get the toys out.

So we played with J, with the cardboard tube. We managed to fill about 30 minutes with this slightly limited resource. Using the tube as a telescope, a trumpet and something to play catch with. Andy did lots of rough and tumble. I was quickly thinking "How on earth are we going to fill our time?" I suggested getting some toys out, but Foster Carer said "he's not really one for toys." So we went out in the yard and J rode his scooter up and down whilst the two caged dogs barked.

We all went to collect Aaron from school. Foster Carer's main concern was that J 'Walked Nicely'. He was holding Mummy and Daddy's hand. We lasted about 5 minutes of 'Walking Nicely' before we did jumping together and counting steps and Andy and I were lifting him up by his arms so he could 'fly'.

We had a fabulous time with the kids. We went for a walk, just the four of us, and took A and J's scooters with us. Foster Carer pointed us in the direction of a brilliant long, flat path with no traffic around which was just perfect for scootering.

Then it was back home for more improvised play with almost nothing to play with. I actually think we did remarkably well to keep them entertained, under the circumstances. Not sure if Foster Carer approves of our playing rather enthusiastically and noisily with the kids. I think she sees us as a soft touch and very disruptive. We did do some boundary keeping. In a gentle sort of way. But I think the physical play is really great for bonding.

Until tomorrow...

school places and other sundry items....

2011-05-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

This morning, we had a brief window before we needed to drive to the foster carer's home, so I went to the school at the end of the road to get application forms. We've had a couple of gos at trying to sort out school places before. But there has always been information we haven't had, which has made that difficult to do. And social services were not prepared to supply it until the match with A and J was ratified. I was also confident, having met A's teacher yesterday, that getting him into year one is the right thing to do. I had wondered if we should fight for him to do reception again, and start afresh in September. But on balance, I think going into year 1 will be fine.

I also wrote back to Social Services to confirm that "the proposed placement is acceptable" to us, as the letter we received this morning requested. I'm inclined to think it's a little late now, if it isn't...!

I also found out what we need to do get J referred for Speech and Language Therapy. His language is significantly behind for his age.

Meanwhile, Andy did the house work.

And at 1 o'clock, school places applied for, social services written to and kitchen tidied we set off for day 2 of introductions...

Introductions

2011-05-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

We're just back home after a loooonnnnnggggg day which contained only one cup of coffee.

We were at Social Services this morning, for something called a Life Appreciation meeting. Social Services invited all the people who've had input into James and Aaron's life to come and share what they know about the boys and any insights they had.

Loads of people came, including several from James' nursery and Aaron's current school teacher. There were people from the family centre and from Sure Start who were involved when concern was first expressed. Everyone was lovely and had obvious affection for the children. It was very sad to hear in detail about what their early lives were like. It was also deeply moving to be surrounded by so many warm, caring people who thought so much of the children. We have pictures aplenty and James' nursery have made him a lovely photo album of his time there.

After the meeting came the planning of what looks like a pretty exhausting schedule of introductions over the next 10 days.

Then we popped round to see the kids for an hour or so after school. Easier said than done. They live on one of those roads that is in about 3 parts so we had great trouble actually finding the house. Because the road goes round several corners, it was very easy to end up outside the right numbered house on the wrong road. We thought we'd found it at one point and disturbed a rather bemused looking elderly gentleman with a laryngectomy. Oops!

Apparently, our introductory books and DVD went down a storm. James, in particular, has been watching Pim and Bibble incessantly, along with the foster carer's granddaughter. When they received our family books along with the puppets, they recognised Bibble from the film. We are told they didn't let the puppets leave their sides and Aaron wouldn't put his family book down and was kissing the picture of his new bedroom. He has run the batteries down so the book is no longer a talking photo album.

We got on really well with the boys. About as well as we generally do with most children we meet. I was encouraged that they responded very normally to us both. Not overly effusive or very reticent. Just normal. J is loud, giggly and boisterous. He was soon doing rough and tumble play with Andy. A is quieter and more talkative.

They are both lovely.

All in all a good day.

We see them again tomorrow, after school.

Lying on the grass...

2011-05-22T03:07:00.000-07:00

This is our last weekend as a childless couple. The boys won't be home for a couple of weeks, but we meet them and begin introductions tomorrow.

Today, we are having friends over for lunch.

Yesterday, we went to a lovely place called Oakamoor, not too far from us, and wandered along the river.

We spent about an hour, just lying on the grass together beside the river......

Then we went for a beer....

What's in a name?

2011-05-22T03:02:00.000-07:00

I got an email from the boys' social worker on Friday, to say that the decision to match us with them has been ratified by the official decision maker.

We are now, four months after first hearing about them, officially cleared to begin introductions with our sons. We expect that to begin tomorrow.

The boys found out that we will be their parents, and saw the photo albums that we've made for them, on Friday evening.

I find it unbelievable that we only officially get the go ahead 3 days before we meet our kids! And there are cases where things don't go ahead, either at matching or at ratification. How is one supposed to prepare emotionally?

This was made somewhat easier for us by an interesting incident that occurred seven years ago. We opened our home up for prayer for a few weeks, back in June 2004. One day, Andy had been praying and came downstairs and said with great conviction, "God's just given me two names." They were boys names. We had friends at the time who wanted children and very specifically wanted twin boys. We thought maybe they were going to have twin boys, and that was what they would call them. So we wrote the names down.

And then our friends had a little girl. And then another little girl. We shrugged our shoulders and assumed Andy had been mistaken.

Nearly seven years, we were looking at profiles of children from social services. There was one profile of two boys. Something about them touched my heart. I'd felt for months that God had been dropping hints that we might be getting boys.

We were sat, having coffee, talking about what to do next. I was suggesting that we should find out more about the boys. Andy was slightly miffed we'd only been sent 3 profiles, because he was expecting a catalogue full. And I suddenly realised that the boys we were looking at were called by the names that Andy had been convinced God had told him seven years before.

How mad is that???

We didn't throw caution to the winds at that point, we continued to seek the information we wanted and we thought really carefully about it. I'm pretty convinced, though, that it's no co-incidence that our boys are called by the names Andy thought God had told him all those years ago.

My first thought was, "what a story to be able to tell our children!"

To be able to say that God had prepared a family for them, because He knew that they would need one.

It has also been incredibly helpful to me over the weeks running up to matching. It's just given me the little bit of confidence I needed, that we've made the right decision. Otherwise I would have been over-thinking the whole thing. Wondering if we were doing the right thing, if they were the right kids, worrying that we might have got it wrong, that we've not asked all the right questions...

Instead, we've chosen to believe that these are the right kids and that things will go ahead. Getting a 'yes' from the matching panel was still a huge moment. And we were still concerned that they might say 'no'. But that little hint that we were maybe heading in the right direction has made the last few weeks so much easier.

God is good!

Getting Ready

2011-05-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

We've spent this week getting the house ready for the arrival of our boys, who we will meet on Monday. We've been putting draw locks and cupboard locks in pertinent places and we now have stair gates at the top and bottom of the stairs.

We are seeing our house in a new light. Many ordinary things are suddenly looking potentially hazardous... Such as the blind cords in the lounge.

The boys' room is looking great! There was an evening recently when I suddenly realised that the beds will soon have real people in them!

A bit more about panel...

2011-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

I was too excited to sit down and write anything coherent about our experience of panel, last time I blogged.

I had been about to take panel in our stride this time round. A necessary process, but not particularly irksome. Assuming that we would be matched with the boys at panel, I wasn't really that bothered. But then we got a slightly panicked phone call from our social worker on Monday "Just to let us know" that the chair of panel was concerned about Andy's smoking and had spoken to the head of children's services about it.

And suddenly it was terrifying....

Having been to panel with our social worker before, we were somewhat pre-warned. Last time, she was really anxious and spent the time we were waiting to go into panel, doing a very stressy high speed 'what to say in panel' pep talk.

So we took our lap top and a copy of the Pim and Bibble DVD, which we knew she wouldn't have seen, because it went to the boys social worker, James, who works in a different office in a different town. When we arrived, Chris and James were both already there. On cue, Chris, immediately began talking about panel and the smoking issue.

"Right," I said, "we've brought distraction techniques! We thought you'd like to see the DVD. And we've made introductory books for the children to show you..."

Chris agreed that she wanted to see the DVD. She thought it was great and requested a copy to show her colleagues on the grounds that they should get to see it as all James' colleagues had seen it.

Panel was running an hour late. So there was plenty of time to chat before we went in. We mainly managed to steer the conversation away from panel and smoking. At one point, two of James' colleagues popped their heads round the door to report that panel was 'in a good mood today'. James introduced us. "Of course!" his colleague responded, "Pim and Bibble!!"

Panel was fine in the end. To my surprise, the smoking issue barely came up. I had both barrels loaded with lots of very passionate, well thought out arguments which I didn't need to use in the end.

Probably just as well.

The social workers went in before us and Chris told us afterwards that she had really laid into them about the fact that this is a good match and there are no perfect parents. "I told them there are risks and vulnerabilities in every placement and this one is no different. I told them how much you have to offer and what a good match this is.." It evidently did the trick. I got the distinct impression, when it came to it, that the reason they asked about the smoking was because it was on the list of questions they'd decided to ask rather than because they were worried about it.

It's done now! Hooray!

Preparing for introductions

2011-05-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

We have been having great fun, over the last few months, preparing things for the children to get before they meet us. We did two sets of things in the end.

Firstly, we worked with our brilliant friends Marney and Stephen to produce a little story featuring us and two little monster puppets, called Pim and Bibble.

When thinking about how to introduce ourselves, we were pondering the ways that young children generally approach meeting new people. We notice that directly introducing oneself to a small child quite often seems to alarm them. They generally seem to like to observe for a bit. Check people out first. That being the case, we wanted to allow space for the kids to watch from the sidelines, as it were. So we produced a story which just shows us interacting with the puppets. Giving the kids the chance to see us and our home without all the baggage of knowing that we were going to be their parents.

The other thing we did was two more traditional photo books, with pictures of us and our house, which specifically introduce us as 'Mummy and Daddy'. We managed to get hold of some talking photo albums, so that we could record messages to go with the pictures.

Because we were doing something slightly different from the norm, my major concern was that we would have put all that effort into creating a carefully staged, 2 part introduction only for social services to take everything to the foster home at once after matching panel and the kids not to see the DVD before the books.
I felt very out of control of the whole thing.

The boys' social worker suggested we bring everything to matching panel. But I sent the DVD in the post first, with a long explanation as to why we wanted them to see the DVD first and how it really wouldn't matter if it happened before panel, because it doesn't mention us as parents, and if the match wasn't approved, they'd just be the owners of a slightly random kids DVD.

Delighted to say that they agreed!

They said yes!!!!!!

2011-05-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well, we had matching panel yesterday and despite all the worries, they said yes!!

We will meet the boys and start introductions on the 23rd May.....

Eeek....

Matching Panel

2011-05-11T02:11:00.000-07:00

We're off to matching panel this afternoon. It is 10am and I am still in my dressing gown. I've done some things, but in the back of my mind, I kind of think that the day hasn't really started, because I'm not dressed yet. So there's nothing to panic about yet. Sad, I know!

The last few days have been a real roller coaster emotionally. I am pleased to say the terror gave way to excitement and I have been barely able to sit still.

Then we had a phone call from the social worker on Monday night, to say that the chair of the panel has raised concerns with the manager of social services over the fact that Andy smokes. Two days before panel! Honestly!

The issue came up in the approval panel. We told them that Andy doesn't smoke in the house or around kids. They seemed OK with that. They didn't set any limits on the ages of the children we could adopt. And now suddenly there's an issue.

Honestly. This process...

Terror!

2011-05-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

We have matching panel next Wednesday, which we fully expect to be a formality. I expect it will feel like a very formal formality, when we are sat in that conference room again, with 15 people justifying their existence by asking us questions...

Assuming there are no hitches, we have an introductions planning meeting on the 23rd May and will meet the boys for the first time that day.

And I am currently terrified!!!! I don't think I've ever been so stressed! The kind of scared one is just before going on stage to do something major in front of lots of people.

I have been atrributing my stress to all sorts of other things. Until, having woken up with my heart rate roughly normal, I picked up the letter inviting us to panel and terror struck again.

We have so much to get ready! No idea what parenthood will be like! No idea if we will be any good at it. No clue what we're letting ourselves in for.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have a date!!

2011-03-31T04:56:00.000-07:00

We have a date for matching panel! It will be the 13th May. At that point we will get the go-ahead officially, we hope, to adopt our two boys.

Then things will move really quickly. We will probably start introductions within 2 weeks of matching panel and the boys will be home within about a fortnight of that.

Oh my goodness!!!!

How exciting!

Trying to Prepare

2011-03-23T04:57:00.000-07:00

Andy and I have been trying to do some things to get ready for when the boys come home. We don't have a date for that yet. It's not actually officially confirmed. We have to go to matching panel for them to decide if we're a good match for the boys and then their recommendation goes to the official decision maker. Then we start introductions.

The thing is, the period of time between us officially knowing that we are approved to be parents to these boys and starting introductions is generally really really short. Like 10 days or so. So it makes sense to get ready now. If we wait we'll be running round like headless chickens.

This is easier said than done, however. We know we'll need car seats. So we went to Mothercare to investigate this whole new world of car safety. "How much do they weigh? How tall are they? We can't recommend a car seat until you can tell us that." I asked the social worker. Who has told me their height and weight in October last year and suggested we 'add a bit to that'.

Social workers suggested we investigate schools. Rang our local school. They tell us this would be an in-year transfer so they wouldn't tell us anything and said we needed to get in touch with the Local Education Authority.
The LEA said they wouldn't talk to us until we'd filled in their forms.
We got the forms.
The forms want to know what school the oldest currently attends.
I asked the social worker.
He won't tell us until the boys have been matched with us.

Ho hum.

I actually don't mind if sorting the school thing out takes a bit of time. The oldest doesn't legally have to start school until September anyway. Though he is at school now. I don't think a bit of time together as a family, getting to know one another and bonding will do any harm at all.

Meanwhile, we're buying beds....

Meeting the foster carers....

2011-03-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

We met the foster carers. Perfectly pleasant people but it was a bizarre experience. Meeting the current carers of your children is slightly surreal.

We needed to know that the boys are right for us. And that includes, for us, knowing that they don't appear to have massive behavioural or learning issues. Of course, nothing is certain and there are no guarantees, but we needed to know that we're not walking naively into a situation we wouldn't be able to handle. Though on reflection that sounds like a pretty good description of becoming a parent!!

I found the meeting really difficult. Not for any particular reason. It just felt odd. And I'd spent several weeks feeling all maternal and broody in a nice kind of way. Meeting the foster carers and being told about some of the problems they've needed to deal with brought me down to earth with a bit of a bump. I found it very hard and wanted 5 minutes out but couldn't quite work out how to ask for it. Andy was fine with the whole thing.

The boys sound great. And we are going ahead.

Meeting foster carers...

2011-02-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

We are meeting the boys' foster carers on Monday! This is very exciting! I have been very excited for days now. Very much looking forward to our boys coming home.

No. We don't have a date. The adoption process is far too convoluted for us to have anything sensible like a date yet!!!! Our social worker and their social worker, have confirmed already that they are happy to proceed. We meet the foster carers on Monday, to find out more about the boys. Then we officially say yes. And then the social workers do a report that goes to a panel that has to ratify the decision. And then that decision is officially ratified by an official decision maker. And then introductions are planned.

The ridiculous thing is that the time from the official official decision being made, to us beginning a 2 week introduction period with boys, by the end of which they will be living with us, is generally really short. It can be as quick as a week or 10 days.

This really means that we have to assume they are coming. Otherwise we would have nothing ready!!!

Probable match...

2011-02-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

We have been finding out about two young boys, brothers aged 2 and 4. I am pretty sure these are our kids. This morning we met with their social worker and our social worker. It's all very encouraging!

We need to wait to find out if the social workers are as positive about the match as we are. If so, the next step is for us to meet the foster carer. How exciting!!!! I don't think there is anything they would tell us now, that would make us change our minds. And I don't think the SWs are going to say no.

This may sound a little overconfident at this stage, but I honestly think we have found our kids and we are now just waiting for the wheels of bureaucracy to do their thing. And our boys, I think, will come home early in the summer.

Filming

2011-02-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

We spent Saturday with our friends, filming bits and pieces for our introductory DVD.

Our puppeteer friends arrived with loads of equipment. Tripods, cameras, lights on huge stands, sunlight reflector... It was really quite stunning!

We had lots of fun. It was great to be doing something concrete for our future kids.

The film is not finished, but they've done us a trailer. Enjoy!

Smiling!

2011-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Our next door neighbour commented yesterday that I've been happier, since we got approved in January, than she's ever seen me. I'd not really thought about it, but it has been so good to be this side of approval.

We are smiling quite a bit!

Messing about with puppets

2011-01-29T01:32:00.000-08:00

We need to produce an introductory DVD, so that the kids who become our kids, can find out about us before they meet us.

We are working with some puppeteer friends on this at the moment. We have been working on a story, where 2 young puppets come to visit and do all sorts of fun things with us. Our friend has taken our ideas and produced a fabulous script. We spent some time yesterday recording the sound track. They suggested that it would be helpful if we voiced the puppets, so that should we want to reproduce the puppet voices again at some point, we can.

Not as easy as I thought it might be!! I will never watch the muppets in the same way again!!!

Here's Andy, messing about with puppets....

Information, information, information

2011-01-29T01:21:00.000-08:00

We've been reading the Child Permanency reports on the two boys we asked for more information about. Each one consists of about 40 pages of stuff. On first reading, it feels like lots and lots of information. All about their parents and their backgrounds, what's happened to them, why they're in care etc etc etc.

On reflection, though, it still leaves quite a lot of questions unanswered.

It's also quite strange, emotionally. Bit of a roller coaster. Given the last 3.5 years, this should come as no surprise, I know!!

We began with the 'cute factor' information and I fell in love.

Now we're beginning to get the detailed, nitty gritty stuff and all the warm feelings have completed evaporated. I still think they could be our kids, but there are some hard questions we need answering and some thinking we need to do that is practical rather than emotional. What can we take on, realistically? What risks are we prepared to take?

Looking at profiles

2011-01-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

We've been sent some real information about some real children really needing real parents!!

It's not hypothetical anymore!

There are 2 brothers, aged 4 and 2, we've asked for more information about. Have coffee. Sitting down just now to read social services reports. Hooray!!!!!!

Oh! The irony!

2011-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Had a really excited 40 minutes yesterday afternoon. Noticed on my lovely smart phone, that we had 6 emails from social services. Profiles of children awaiting adoption, for us to consider!!! How exciting!!!

I rang Andy to tell him to access my email account from home and download the information, as I was at work. There is one email telling us they are sending us profiles to look at, in other emails, and 5 other emails! That has to be AT LEAST five kids/sibling groups to look at, by my reckoning!

Why can't I tell you precisely? Well, because the files are password protected. They sent us the emails on Friday afternoon. With a message to ring the secretary to get the password to open the files. Couldn't get hold of the secretary. Probably because it was Friday afternoon. And now it's the weekend.

How frustrating! I have laughed lots at the irony of this. It won't kill us to wait until Monday. There have been far worse moments in this process. Needless to say, we will be on the phone to the office first thing Monday morning. Deliberately not getting too excited. We need to look at the profiles. There might not be anyone suitable. The fact they've sent 5 suggests a bit of a scatter gun approach, rather than a "we've carefully considered and think these children would be perfect for you" sort of thing. But to know that information about OUR CHILDREN might be on my computer RIGHT NOW I can't just access it....

Enough second guessing! It is Saturday evening. Time for pizza and beer and a DVD!

It's official!

2011-01-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

It's official! We are on the list of approved adopters!

We got the letter from the 'official decision maker' this week. On Wednesday.

Bizarrely, opening the letter was terrifying. I knew what it was. The franking on the front was from our social services department. Opening it, my heart was racing. I was genuinely convinced that there was a risk it was going to say 'no'. That we would be the 1 in 1000 where the official decision maker disagrees with the panel.

But they've said yes!

They have, however, misspelt our surname. So officially, they've said yes to a couple with a name that sounds the same as ours but is spelt differently.

The misspelling made me roll my eyes and shake my head in a mildly amused / exasperated manner. Honestly! After all the forms we've completed and information we've supplied, you'd have thought they'd know our name by now! No clerical error could dampen my joy though. It's just GREAT!!! to be this side of the approval process.

Panel: Hooray!!!!!!

2011-01-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

We went to adoption panel today.

For the uninitiated, this entails an interview with about 15 people, who make a judgement as to whether or not one is deemed worthy to become parents. Just to cut to the chase:

We have been judged and found worthy!!!

I have been in a bit of a state of anxiety over the last couple of weeks. Trying not to think too deeply about it. Attempting to stay calm. I've managed outwardly calm / quietly terrified most of the time.

Andy and I drove to the town where the panel was held last night, so that we knew where we were going and where we going to park etc. Good job we did. It was in the council headquarters, which was in a little cul de sac off a pedestrianised street, surrounded by one way systems and pedestrianised areas, surrounded in turn by dual carriageway and ring roads. Much better to have sussed out last night than to have been trying to find for the first time in rush hour traffic this morning. The drive down last night was Andy's idea. He usually does this before interviews. I tend to be more of an "Oh, it'll be fine! We'll find it!" mindset. But he was so right... We found the office, sussed out car parks, made sure we had the requisite money in coinage for said car park, and decided on venue for breakfast/coffee in the event of being ridiculously early...

Andy was also in military mood this morning. I got up for a cup of tea and a pray at about 6:30. And was sauntering around in my dressing gown at ten past seven, to find Andy up, showered, dressed and chivvying me along. He chased us out of the house at 7:45. Which gave us an hour and three quarters for a 35 minute journey!! Mad! Usually he's so laid back...

I have to say, it was lovely to be so smugly early and able to sit around in cafe having breakfast. And in contrast to the last couple of weeks, I had a profound sense of peace and of God being with us. Two thoughts really helped. The first was simply that we have been working towards this point, or waiting frustratedly for this to happen, for the last 3 and a bit years and it was just great to get to today. Andy was also feeling quietly confident. On the way, he suddenly said "I've taken the liberty of putting the champagne in the fridge..."

The second thought was that the panel event itself was not much different to other meetings I've been to. It felt much more constructive to regard it as a work-like task than as a grilling from 15 people tasked to decide about our future. I just thought "I know how to do meetings. It's only 15 people. I lead a church for goodness sake! How hard can this be?"

I was somewhat amused that our social worker, who sat with us while we waited for panel to ask us in, seemed more nervous than we did. The social worker who had done the second opinion visit, said that her policy before panel was to talk to her prospective parents about anything but going into panel, in order to help them to stay calm. Chris seemed to have the opposite approach entirely!! She evidently felt that an anxious, high-speed, coaching session was in order. "You know they're going to ask about your health, Andy. If I hadn't raised it in the report, they'd have wanted to know why... just be yourselves... Andy, you know what you're like. Think before you speak. Don't say anything politically incorrect...be child focussed... if they ask about the garden, you can tell them there's a lock on that gate..." Good job we were both relatively calm. She could have sent us both into a blind panic...!

Once we'd gone in, and I'd said a cheery 'Good Morning!' to the sea of silent faces, who all chorused 'Good morning' back, it felt profoundly cope-able with. The other thing that helped was the observation, as everyone introduced themselves, that some of the people round the table obviously weren't comfortable speaking in front of that many people, even just to say their names. Andy was more nervous than me, I think. They had quite a lot of questions, but I felt we answered them competently. Chris, the social worker, felt we'd done a very good job.

The worst bit was waiting for them to come and tell us their conclusion. And the panel chair, who came to speak to us, was particularly humourless. She delivered their verdict with about the emotion of a railway station announcer. Along with the dead pan statement that "We've decided this because we think you have a very strong partnership and a lot of skills."

Anyway. We have been approved. I am feeling numb. Excited. Pleased. Brain dead. Scared.

15 Days to Panel!

2010-12-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

Andy and I go to the adoption panel in just 15 days time. After over 3 years of trawling through adoption processes and waiting around between trawling through processses, we will finally know whether we can become parents, in just 15 days time.

The report, detailing more about us than we know about ourselves, is finished and has gone to the panel members. We've seen the second opinion social worker. There really is nothing left to do until the 5th January.

Doing Christmas. Trying not to think about it too much....

A Date for Panel!!!!

2010-11-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am excited! We finally have a date for going to the adoption panel. It's the 5th January.

This is when we find out whether we are approved as adoptive parents or not.

I'm not quite holding out for the 5th being the moment we get an absolute final decision, because nothing in this process is guaranteed or simple. However, whatever happens, it is a really significant step along the way.

We also have another social worker coming to see us at some point in the next couple of weeks to do a 'second opinion' visit. I was a bit worried about this, but apparently it's normal procedure.

The last of the Referees....

2010-10-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well, the social worker saw the last of our referees this morning. I chatted to one of them afterwards. She seemed to think that the conversation went really well. Which is encouraging. The social worker asked at the end if she had any questions and she said the one thing she thought I would want to know was 'When?'

Honestly. I really haven't primed all our referees to nag the social worker about how long this is all taking!! Our friends obviously feel for us, having walked with us these three years, and it seems that the moment they get the opportunity to talk the social worker, they find a way of slipping it in.

Anyway. Chris apparently said that she is aiming for us to go to panel in November, be approved by Christmas and begin looking at kids in the New Year.

Meanwhile, Andy and I are just getting our heads round the fact that there just might be an end to this process and we just might end up being parents at the end of it. We spent the day continuing our work on sorting the house out. We are still working on moving my office to the box room, to leave another large bedroom free. We thought it would be a simple task, but it's a very small room that faces into the sun, so when we put my computer in it, I discovered that there was nowhere in the room, where I could actually see the screen, due to the glare from the sunlight. Even shutting the curtain (which is quite a pale colour) didn't make any difference. So we had to go out and buy a blind. Blind is now fitted, but it took much longer than we expected to not get very far.

My computer and desk are now in the new room, which is an oasis of calm and order, because all the 'stuff' is still in the large room! I quite like it like this.... Who needs paperwork anyway? It looks like the kind of office you'd see in a show home. A computer, a desk and just a couple of token items on the shelves. I have somewhere to work tomorrow, which is the main thing.

Referees

2010-10-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

Chris, the social worker, saw our second family referees today. They have come to visit for a few days from the Isle of Wight. Andy's sister and brother in law. And the nieces (Hooray!!).

She saw our friend Linda last week and is seeing our other 'friend' referees on Monday.

We are very fond of our nieces. Even though we don't see them that often. They are quite grown up now. 19 and 16. They were very young when Andy and I met and it has been great to see them growing up. They still remember the time we had a water pistol fight with them in the car park at a cinema. Then there was the evening we followed dinner with about an hour of kitchen science experiments. (You know the sort of thing. Making a battery from an orange. Blowing up balloons with bicarb and vinegar). It's great to see them. Andy is cooking dinner with one of them just now. I am escaping for 10 minutes. Long day at work. Needing to introvert briefly.

Our brother in law, bless him, quizzed the social worker about timescales etc. She says that 'if she had her way' we would be going to panel in November and it would be 'completed' by December. But sshhhh. Apparently he wasn't meant to tell us that. So don't snitch. I'm not sure what 'completed' means. I think it probably means 'approved'.

Off to be sociable and see what the chefs have produced!

Waiting but not ready.....

2010-10-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

This week has given me pause for thought. We have now been engaged in this 'adoption' process for 3 years. You might think, that after all that time, we would be the ready potential parents on the planet.

Actually, I think the opposite is true.

I have noticed, this week, that there has been a sort of split personalilty thing going on.

Part of me has been working through the process stuff reasonably efficiently. In order to cope with the uncertainty of the whole thing, however, I have completely shut my mind and emotions off from the prospect of becoming a parent. There is a certain amount of warped, emotional logic which thinks (wrongly) that by not thinking about it, I will be more able to cope with the disappointment if we are turned down.

Naively, I thought that we would have no choice but to prepare ourselves, because of the assessment process. I thought the assessment visits would really help us to think and prepare. Actually, they've done nothing of the sort. It has just been about furnishing social services with a whole heap of information. Useful for them, obviously, but not for us.

So here we are. Three years after starting this process, and I feel less ready to become a parent now than I did when we started.

This is where pregnancy has the edge over adoption. When you get pregnant, there is a definite timescale. Barring miscarriages etc, you will be a parent 9 months later. There is no getting away from it. At some point in that 9 months you have to get ready. With adoption, you just don't know. We might be parents in 4 months time. We might never be parents. We might begin introductions in 10 months time. Or two years. Or six months. It really is anybody's guess.

And that is a lot lot harder to deal with than I ever could have guessed it would be.

The Eye of Sauron

2010-10-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

My husband has an eye infection - for the 2nd (or is it 3rd) time in as many months. He says he thinks it looks like the Eye of Sauron. I think he has a point. He was taking photos of it this morning to put on Facebook. Presumably to garner sympathy for his plight. The pictures are horrible enough to have our more extreme Christian friends and acquaintances casting things out...

Meanwhile, my emotions are all over the place. I was very calm and serene this morning. Logically believing that life will be good, whatever the adoption panel say (if we ever get to meet them, that is...). That life will be good, whether we have children or not.

Just been to take a parcel round to the neighbours over the road. Their two daughters (five and three) gave me a private viewing of their latest artworks, a tour of the tree house in the garden and a display of their trampolining skills.

And I am undone....

Money Money Money.....

2010-10-06T04:16:00.000-07:00

Apparently we don't have enough of it. Or might not have enough of it securely enough to satisfy the adoption panel.

They probably have a point. To an extent. We don't want to be in a financial pickle whilst taking care of potentially vulnerable children. But that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

We met with our social worker on Monday to look at our financial assessment. Her main concern is that Andy is not earning and my income, whilst potentially substantial, is not secure. It would be better, from their perspective, if Andy was in a full time, permanent job.

I've been thinking much more about how we make sure we can be around enough to provide children with the support they might need. My work can be quite flexible. If Andy could get some part time, flexible work, that would seem perfect.

Apparently income is much more important than outgoings. I asked her how much money people are usually earning when they adopt. What would she be looking for? She said, about what we were earning before Andy was out of work.

Interestingly, at that point, our income was around £16,000 above the average family income before tax, in the UK. It is now probably just below the average. But not by much.

So how do all those families on average or below average incomes, with kids, manage? Can you really not adopt if you're poor?

The plan is for her to put the figures in her paperwork for the panel and just see what they say. But she evidently wasn't feeling confident at all about the information we were giving her.

Anyway. It was all rather depressing.

My logical, rational approach was to sit in a corner and eat brie and drink beer.

Apparently we're aiming for panel in November or December.

Still broody....

2010-09-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Took my sister to a cafe today. Woman sitting near us, out with some friends and her three utterly lovely daughters. Probably aged between 6 and 12. She obviously loved being a Mum and had a very good relationship with her girls.

Thought I was going to cry. Hid behind my newspaper and regained some composure.

Emotions are very funny things. Haven't felt like this since we were in Africa last year and I was surrounded by mozambiquan orphans calling me 'Mama Caterina' and fellow visitors from the UK in their early 20's referring to Andy and I as 'parent figures'. The orphans were endearing (when they weren't on the scrounge). The twenty year olds wanting to call us Mum and Dad was just plain scary.

This particular wave of sadness has caught me completely by surprise. Really genuinely thought I was over all that.

It'll pass. There are worse things in life. Like the state of my kitchen. My sister likes Chinese food, so we've been cooking Chinese tonight. The kitchen looks as if something very dark and terrible has occurred in it. The problem is that my darling husband does not believe that it is possible to have a chinese meal that doesn't involve creating a banquet. This was meant to be simple, but it was inevitably preceeded by a trip to the local chinese supermarket and perusal of the recipe books. Then Andy gets excited by all the possibilities. I like this exuberance and energy and enthusiasm, but it don't half make a mess of the kitchen.

We didn't cook nearly as much as the last time, but we did have prawn crackers, pork dumplings, spare ribs and spring rolls for starters. Followed by pad thai noodles, egg fried rice, scallops with ginger and creme fraiche (not really Chinese, but very nice), and beef with orange and ginger. There was meant to be pork and cashew nut stir fry, but we really couldn't eat any more.

Asked my sister what she liked best. The spring rolls and the egg fried rice. Will bear this in mind for future occasions. Spring rolls and egg fried rice sounds wonderfully simple! She liked making the dumplings though.

Going to bed now. Will sort the kitchen in the morning. Think a small thermo-nuclear device might just do the trick...

BORED now!

2010-09-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well. My few weeks of contentment at things going slowly seems to have evaporated this evening. Evaporation probably caused by a 'girlie' evening with friends who have got kids / know someone who has adopted etc etc. And by the fact there doesn't seem to be any sign at all of our social worker arranging to see the rest of our referees.

What's really frustrating is that Andy and I have both got time to devote to children at the moment. This would have been an ideal moment to be doing introductions etc. But no.

I've not been frustrated for ages. But I'm frustrated today.

I've not been broody for ages, but I've been broody today.

The being broody I blame on my mother. She had been out to buy a present for someone who has recently had a child. And she'd bought the coolest, cutest little outfit for the young man. And was having a slightly gooey maternal moment herself. I think it's catching.

Telling myself that parenting will be much more about attachment issues than cute outfits. But I can tell I'm not listening.

BORED with being patient and waiting.

Finance form

2010-09-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

As of this week, my husband is out of work. The adoption service has been waiting for a financial assessment form from us. We did it this weekend, putting Andy as the main carer and me as the wage earner.

To be honest, I was procrastinating a bit, because I couldn't imagine how we could prove financial stability with just me working. But actually, on paper at least, it looks perfectly possible.

This is good news!

the financial form was typically thorough. They wanted to know everything from how much we spend on groceries each week and what the electricity bill is, to how much we spend on 'beauty treatments' and toiletries. I've never bought a beauty treatment in my life, unless you count hair cuts!!

We went to a party at the weekend and saw an adoption friend and her kids. She was telling us that our authority has got a bit of a glut of kids at the moment and is contacting previous adopters to see if they'd like to apply again for more children. Which sounds sort of hopeful. Don't think our social worker has seen any more of our referees, however.

To be honest, I'm not feeling in any desperate rush. Content for things to happen in their own time. Can't be bothered getting impatient. Played that game before. Actually think Andy is keener than me for things to get moving at the moment

Posters

2010-08-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

I've wanted some posters / postcards to advertise Church Without Walls for ages. Having a stand at Gay Pride the other week, got us galvanised. Andy and I and a couple of others spent some time together having dinner, praying and designing. We had great fun and I'm really chuffed with the result. We made several posters. These 2 are my favourites. Thought you might enjoy them too.

We've got them as posters and postcards. Quite a few people at Pride took the 'cake' postcards just because they liked the picture!

Meet the parents

2010-08-28T04:53:00.000-07:00

My parents came up a couple of weekends ago to meet with the social worker. She was due to arrive at 10am. The Plan, in my head, was for us all to have had breakfast before she arrived, and then for me and Andy to disappear out for a couple of hours, possibly with my sister, so they could talk.

I needed to disappear for a couple of hours, because Church Without Walls was having a stand at the local Gay Pride event. Which was all a bit last minute. But I thought it was an opportunity not to be missed. They didn't have any stands left, but were very happy to find us a table in a corner if we pitched up in the morning and went and spoke to the guy called, who was co-ordinating it. Could have left it to someone else, but I was the only person who'd met Andy the Co-Ordinator and actually knew what he looked like. Not a problem, I thought, we need to be out of the house anyway. So having an errand to run is not going to be an issue.

It was really great to see my parents. I have found, over the years, that the best time to have a good conversation with my Dad, is late at night, after a couple of beers, over a glass of whiskey. So Andy and I went to the pub with Dad on Friday night. By the time we'd got home, and sat and chatted over a couple of glasses of scotch (I do like a single malt....) it was fairly late. I surrendered and crawled into bed at 2am. Andy and Dad were still chatting when I retired.

The best time to chat to Mum, however, is early in the morning, over a coffee or tea, preferably before everyone else is up and the house is quiet. So I got up reasonably early on Saturday and we were having a really good conversation, sun shining through the window, cup of coffee, quiet house, when I looked at my watch and realised it was ten past nine.

This is a bit of an error as the only person in the house who is dressed, is my mother. I'm up and drinking coffee but still in my dressing gown. Everyone else is asleep. Social worker arriving in 50 minutes. No one has had breakfast.

We make tea for the sleeping people and I cook breakfast. 20 minutes to 10, breakfast is cooked. Everyone is dressed and ready to eat and we've achieved this miracle quite calmly really. I'm in my dressing gown, but I have 20 minutes to shower and change. Everyone else can eat. I'll get ready and breakfast in a minute. All under control.

19 minutes to 10 the social worker arrives.

I could have disappeared and got someone else to let her in. But to be honest, I thought that having spent something in excess of 20 hours with us, finding out things that even some of my best friends don't know, seeing me in a dressing gown wasn't that much of an issue. So I cheerily answered the door, congratulated her on her punctuality and invited her to join us for breakfast while I went and changed.

Bizarrely, the social worker didn't seem to be entirely comfortable with being with my family at the breakfast table. She protested loudly at the suggestion, and then managed about 10 minutes of polite conversation, with her chair pushed as far away from the table as she could manage, before saying "I'm going to leave you in peace to eat your breakfast. I'll go and sit in the living room." Really odd. I wonder if we broke some kind of social work protocol by inviting her to come sit with us? I thought that seeing us with our family over a meal would have been quite informative. Even, dare I say it, pleasant. In fact, given that hospitality is such a key part of our lives, to go through the whole process without being with us over a meal, almost feels to me like she hasn't really met us. So we finished breakfast while she sat all by herself in the lounge. Completely flummoxed me. I actually felt quite hurt that she didn't want to sit with us. I'm sure she was keen to do the most appropriate thing, but it still felt odd.

Andy's job situation has changed (he will be out of work by the end of this month), so he wanted to tell Chris (the social worker). He went and spoke to her, (private audience in the lounge) and said she would speak to him (and possibly me) after she'd chatted with my parents, so could we hang around. She'd only need half an hour with my folks.

Large spanner in the works. I have Church Without Walls person to take to Gay Pride event before 12 to meet Andy the Co-Ordinator to get our stall set up. And be in the house to talk to social worker. Who has never needed less than 2 hours on any previous occasion, but might or might not be finished with my parents in 30 minutes. In the end, I decided the best thing to do was to go and run my errand anyway. I took my mobile phone and left Andy with the information that I would be back very soon, and only 20 minutes away. If Chris needed me to be there, I'd come straight home.

Turned out to be a good decision. The event was in a large local park and it was not at all easy to work out who was in charge and where to go for information. The fact that I recognised Andy the Co-Ordinator, made the whole thing very easy. Introduced Church Without Walls person to Andy the Co-Ordinator, found out where our table would be and then left them to it with the words "I need to get home to talk to a social worker."

Chris had gone by the time I got back. So obviously she didn't really need to talk to both of us. Her suggestion is that we write them a financial assessment that names Andy as the main carer and me as the wage earner. Now we just need to work out the figures....

Child profiling evening

2010-07-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, Andy and I went to a child profiling evening. I'd been looking forward to it for ages because it was going to be our first opportunity to find out about actual children, in our local authority area, looking for parents.

In some ways, it was a bit of damp squib.

There was film footage of maybe half a dozen kids who the authority is trying to place. And collages about the children around the room, full of glitter paint and pictures of Thomas the Tank Engine and Peppa Pig. But not a great deal of information. The social workers of the children were there to quiz afterwards. But without the information in the first place, it was difficult to know who you'd want to know about. The DVD didn't even tell us how old they were in most cases.

For me, seeing footage of a child jumping on a trampoline and eating biscuits, in the absence of much information about them, didn't really help. And knowing that a young lad likes Thomas the Tank Engine doesn't separate him from the rest of the male pre-school population of Britain. My analytical and slightly cynical mind was trying to work out how old the kids were and what was making them difficult enough to place that they'd ended up being featured at the profiling evening. I spotted a language delay or two, a severe speech disorder, a very odd gait and an obsessiveness with tidiness that could have indicated autistic spectrum disorder or possibly emotional difficulties.

I think the intention was to shower us with cuteness that would hit the maternal "Aaaaah!" button. Didn't work for me. I think I'm just very aware that a moment of cuteness is not going to carry us through twenty or thirty years of being parents and so didn't want to let my guard down. That's not to say I don't have an 'Aaaaaah' button. It's working very effectively at the moment and kicks into action at almost every opportunity. Had a meeting in a cafe yesterday in some gardens and was constantly distracted by children playing in the grass and little girls giggling and running along hand in hand.

To be honest, none of the children hit the profile we've been thinking of. There was one sibling group, but a little bit younger than we were thinking.

So. And this is the exciting bit. We asked the social work manager who was there, if they currently have other sibling groups waiting, perhaps a bit older. She immediately knew who we were and her eyes lit up and she said that she'd been talking to Chris, our social worker. There are older sibling groups and Chris is already thinking about some children who might be suitable.

How exciting!!!

How terrifying...

Getting in the scene

2010-07-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Now we're actually doing the assessment and might even go to panel at some point this year, I've started to communicate / meet up with local parents who have / are adopting. Even joined a facebook group.

We had lunch with a local adoptive Mum and her rather wonderful 3 year old daughter on Friday. It was great.

Fire Safety - a cautionary tale.

2010-07-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

There has been a smoke alarm beeping in our house for weeks now. It's been a fairly gentle, ignorable beep, but a beep all the same. More conscientious house owners would have sorted it out ages ago. But the offending smoke alarm (one which is in my office and has been in the house since before we moved in) was not our only defence against dying in our sleep due to smoke inhalation. We had 2 further smoke alarms fitted by the fire brigade more recently. These are state of the art and made to last 10 years. So our ignoring the noise was not quite as irresponsible from a health and safety perspective as it might at first appear.

Andy and I were away last week and returned to discover the offending alarm had stopped beeping gently and was now beeping in an ear-splitting, DO NOT GO TO BED UNTIL YOU HAVE FIXED ME kind of way. Tired from driving, I'm afraid I didn't fetch a ladder and replace the battery. I hit it with a stick. Having dislodged the battery, however, I was appalled to discover that it was still beeping. How could this be? Assistance was summoned from husband, who concluded it must have some kind of secondary power source and unscrewed it from the wall. The wallpaper underneath is from at least 3 decoratings ago. Hardier than we thought. Battery replaced. Beeping continues. Second battery found.

I stand in office and realise beeping is still emanating from inside office. I have a moment of wondering if our house is haunted / possessed by the spirit of the smoke alarm. It really sounds like the noise is coming from the patch of ancient wallpaper. But no. Perhaps it is from the landing. I stand beneath the smoke alarm on the landing ceiling. This is a new one, very recently installed by the fire service. It is definitely beeping. Very loudly. It needs silencing. Funny 10 years, I think.

Husband summoned. Husband agrees this is the offending noise source. Husband disables the alarm, removing a large patch of paint at the same time. He reports it will no longer function unless fixed by soldering.

Noise gone? Surely? No. Noise not gone. We stand beneath the one remaining smoke alarm and listen very, very carefully. Having been fooled twice. The beep is not coming from there. After much careful listening we realise the noise is coming from my office. Eventually we track down an old, abandoned smoke alarm in a box of bits and pieces.

Andy says he will mend and refit the 2 perfectly functional smoke alarms we have wantonly destroyed. Oh well. At least the beeping has stopped and we can sleep tonight...

Korean body worship

2010-07-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

Happened upon this on You Tube. It brings back strong memories of our time in Mozambique last summer.

I have not been a great fan, it has to be said, of 'liturgical dance' (sometimes known as 'inpsirational dance' and done to the accompaniment of worship songs either as performance piece at the front of some churches, or by enthusiastic members of the congregation waving large flags about whilst everyone else is singing slightly more sedately). I'm very happy for people to do it. It's a free country. I'd just rather not join the flag-waving fraternity, thank you very much.

However however however. God / life has a habit of trashing one's pre-conceptions, and when we were at Iris Ministries in Mozambique, there was also a party of Koreans. The Koreans were fabulous people. Fun loving, gentle, humble, generous, beautiful people who were just a joy to be around. Some of them did something called 'Body Worhsip'.

On the face of it, it should not have been anything particularly impressive. It wasn't very exciting. They didn't have many moves. They didn't know that many different routines. But every time they did it, it felt like someone in heaven had accidentally left the door open. There was one notable occasion when we were doing an evangelistic mission type thing to a village where the last team who went had rocks thrown at them. So there we were with the Iris Ministries truck and a crowd of several hundred, possibly a couple of thousand, villagers who had turned up out of curiosity because not much else happens rather than for any other reason. The crowd felt slightly edgy and hostile. Everyone was distractible and talking. Not the ideal audience for liturgical dance.

But the Koreans did their 'Body Worship' and for those minutes the atmosphere changed completely. It was incredibly moving. A hush fell and it was one of the holiest moments I've ever experienced.

So here are some Korean Body Worshippers. This is not an exciting video clip. And it is unlikely to make you want to take up Body Worship. But it brings back precious memories for me.

Our last assessment visit

2010-07-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Andy and I spent three and half hours with Chris, our social worker, this morning. The last of our assessment visits. Sometimes called a 'home study'. It's been quite an interesting journey, this part of the assessment process. And I have really warmed to Chris, who I think has warmed to us also. She is very warm hearted and passionate. And obviously has oodles of experience. Now she has to meet our referees and write up the report.

Today we spent a lot of time talking about what kind of children we would be prepared to take on. It really meant ticking a lot of boxes about the kinds of children we wouldn't be prepared to take on. By which I mean the questions were all about the potential problems kids would come with. So histories of violence, sexual abuse, attachment disorder, learning disability, aspergers syndrome, illness, physical problems, behavioural issues of various kinds.... the list went on.

It's not nice ticking boxes and excluding people on the basis of such things. It took a bit of thinking and reflecting to find a way of approaching the task which felt comfortable. Don't know about Andy, but my thinking was as follows:

We've got to fill this piece of the form in, however horrid it feels.
The hard truth is that whoever we parent in the end, means excluding everyone else.
To do the best job we can, we need to be as honest as possible with ourselves about what we want to do and what we can offer.

So we ticked the boxes. Effectively we said that we understand that children will come with all sorts of problems and issues, but that we are looking to parent children who

we stand some chance of forming an attachment with and who have a good chance of forming an attachment with us.
have a good chance of living independent adult lives.

We're hoping for a sibling group of 2 aged between around 3 and 8.

Obviously, I have a deep desire to be a parent. From a sort of 'making a difference' point of view, I want to break the cycle for some kids. Give them a stable, loving base to grow into adulthood from and a good model of what family life can be so that they have a fighting chance of going out and replicating that. I feel really passionately about that.

We have been asked to write something about our faith and about church. And we have a financial assessment form to complete. And then our 'homework' for the moment is almost done. I have to say, the pre-adoption course and the assessment itself have been by far the easiest and most interesting part of the process. It might have been hard if we were very private people but we're not in the slightest.

So. Next thing for us is the profiling event later in July. Oh, and sorting out the house to make space for a family. Bigger job than it sounds, I think!

Nigtchurch Video

2010-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

We made this video for our launch event, last night.

English Summer

2010-06-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

I do love the English summer. Here are some summer pictures I took the other week in Oxfordshire. English summer in an English village. What could be better?

Feeling hot hot hot!

2010-06-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's summer! And it's been summer all day! It was summer yesterday as well. And the day before that. I was doing some Speech Therapy locuming in Liverpool Thursday and Friday and someone brought ice lollies into the office for everyone to share. A really nice touch I thought.

Next Thursday is probably our last assessment visit from the social worker. Then she needs to meet with our referees. And the neighbour who shares our fenceless garden. And then I suppose she will write her report.

What is interesting is that at this point, I have no idea at all how long it might be before we become parents. It could conceivably be quite soon. Presuming we get through panel. Though to be honest I really can't see why we wouldn't. We have spent the last couple of years trying not to think too hard about having kids, because there have been so many uncertainties. I have resisted the temptation to buy cute things for future children almost completely.

(This was my one moment of weakness...

I wouldn't normally have succumbed. I don't go into toy shops unless I have someone very specific to buy for. But I was in a furniture shop. One doesn't expect to be ambushed by cute toys in furniture shops. Now I look at him, he's a bit odd really - though very very cuddly... But I digress...)

It is beginning to occur to me, however, that we really ought to start thinking about the practicalities of having children in the house. Although I know of so many people who get approved and then wait for months and months before they get matched. So do we start getting the house ready now? In case it happens soon? What happens if we get matched? Will we get lots of time to prepare or will it all happen really quickly? Will having a pile of sorting out to do, when we are waiting between being matched and starting introductions, be a welcome and exciting distraction, or will we be so busy, we curse the fact we didn't do everything now, when we had time? If we tidy up now and buy furniture and things, will it be time well invested or will I then have children's bedrooms devoid of children to wander in and out of in a morbid fashion for a year and a half while social services insist that they don't have any children to place with us yet?

Questions to ponder in the garden over a glass of cold beer, perhaps.

Nightchurch - conversations with clubbers

2010-06-19T04:07:00.000-07:00

I did Nightchurch last night, so I'm pleasantly tired and feeling justified in slobbing about in my dressing gown doing semi-productive things like blogging and drinking coffee.

Had a really interesting conversation with an atheist who said he thought the most important question to answer is whether there is a God or not and whether there is an after-life. He said he could understand people who think about it and decide there is and he could understand people who, like himself, think about it and decide there isn't. But he really doesn't get that lots of people don't care one way or the other.

Also had a chat with a young woman who works as a stripper. We give out lollipops to people coming past. I'd offered one to her boyfriend. She was telling him not to take it because it was a God lollipop and he might get sucked into religion. I said "You know how you don't get pregnant from snogging?" she said "yeah", I said "Well you don't become a Christian by eating a lollipop". She laughed and said yes but he might get sucked in by our persuasive God talk. I told her that we offer hospitality no strings attached and we don't talk about God unless people want to.

Almost immediately, she began telling me about the Christian school she went to and how she felt that being told a lot about religion when you're young can put you off. I said, "Can I just point out that you are now talking to me about God. I didn't start this conversation. Just so we're clear about this."
"Oh no no, that's OK." she said. "I don't mind starting the conversation. I know all the stories. And the songs"

And now I'm standing in the middle of the street at 1 o'clock in the morning with a stripper who is enthusiastically singing "Shine Jesus Shine" to me. She is dancing and she knows the words. (May the name of Graham Kendrick be blessed...). I think this is hilarious. So do the 3 guys she's with.

"God wouldn't welcome me," she says. "I'd come to him if he would but I'm a stripper and he won't"
"God does welcome you!" I say.

We've been handing out stickers with the Nightchurch logo on and various slogans, such as 'Fancy a brew?', 'Chill out Lounge' and the surprisingly popular 'God Likes Me'. I happened to have some of the latter with me.

"Listen," I say to her "I want to give you this. It says 'God likes me'. And I want you to know that he does like you and he does welcome you." She is delighted with the sticker.
"But I couldn't be me. I couldn't do what I do. Wouldn't I have to stop before..."
"No." I say. "God likes you as you are. And he welcomes you. I tell you what might happen though. When you've been walking with Jesus for a while you might think 'you know what, I think I want to do something different'"
"I tell you what I'd like to do!" she says "I'd like to be a midwife."

We chat a little longer. I say a little prayer for her, asking God to help her fulfil her dreams. We hug and she heads off into the night with the 3 guys.

Her right breast now reads "God Likes Me."

Enjoying our assessment

2010-06-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

I know this isn't what people usually say about the pre-adoption assessment process, but I am actually quite enjoying it. We have finally managed to put to bed the issue of the fence. Which is great! The risk assessments and information about the shared garden will go into the report and we do not have to put up a fence in order to continue with the assessment process. Hooray!

So to the process itself. I know lots of people find it intrusive. And I know that we are being finally judged worthy or not worthy of being parents. But actually it's an opportunity to talk about ourselves and our views for a couple of hours every week or so to someone who is paid to listen and take it seriously. What's not to like? People pay therapists hundreds of pounds for that kind of opportunity!

This week we were talking about our relationship. How we met. What the strengths of our relationship are. We had to say how we view one another so we'd both written short pieces about one another in preparation for the assessment. Which Chris read out. It was all quite romantic and slightly un-British. A bit gushing really. The sorts of things people say in funeral eulogies. (There's a thought. We could keep them. Might save a job for one of us later on...)

We're also going to something called a profiling event next month. We will get to see information about children the local authority is seeking to place with families. I am really looking forward to that. It will be good to find out about real children in our county needing families. And we can express an interest in children we would like to know more about. Although I suspect the fact we've not been approved means it's a bit like when you're looking at houses and you haven't sold yours yet and there are other people interested who have.

On the emotional roller-coaster that is adoption, I am on the flat bit at the top, where the view is marvellous and it's kind of peaceful and you think it might just get exciting some time soon.

chilling out

2010-06-12T03:06:00.000-07:00

Had a tranquil day yesterday. My lurgy is finally on the wane and we have some lovely gardens just down the road from us. It's an old estate with a large lake. There was once a House. As in the kind of House you bequeath to the National Trust once the Family Money has been squandered and you can't afford to pay the gardener anymore. That has long since crumbled but the estate and the gardens have been restored.

I've had mixed feelings about this place. When they first began restoring the estate, it was great. You had to pay for the formal gardens, but walking round the lake was free. And there were a few shops in high class wooden huts selling over priced candles and assorted tat that pensioners visited on coach trips.

Then they built more and more wooden huts and merged the lake with the gardens so you had to pay for walking round it and installed a 'Frankie and Benny's' and a travel lodge. And lots more wooden huts selling things you don't need. There was a protest walk just before they atarted charging for walking round the lake, which I attended. And I hadn't been to the gardens for ages, because you have to pay for them. And having been on the protest, it felt a bit hypocritical to do so.

This year, though, I've treated myself to an annual season ticket, with some of my birthday money, and it is a truly lovely place to go. So I went for a wander yesterday. It's a real oasis. Here are some piccies:

Fence related news

2010-06-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

We have at last heard back from the social worker about the shared garden. The good news is that they seem to have dropped the requirement for us to erect a fence between us and the neighbours. Hooray!!!!

However, we have the following requests from the manager, passed on to us by the social worker:

I would advise that we undertake the following:-

Ask Mr & Mrs C to consider installing a higher fence and more secure gate on the canal side (we would need to establish who owns this boundary)
Interview the neighbours who share the garden to ascertain their views. I note from the references Pat shared they are not included so this will be an extra check for us.
I would like to know the type of play children engage in within the garden as Mr & Mrs C are confident it hasn’t presented any difficulties in the past
To compensate for the weaknesses in the garden are there any parks or leisure amenities close by.

We are requested to write something addressing these points, which will go with the Prospective Adopters Report.

Honestly. Whilst I am pleased that we seem to be moving in the direction of common sense, I am somewhat frustrated that we have to produce a document to address a pile of non-issues. The philosophy is evidently that they shouldn't remove one hoop without replacing it with some others.

The fence on the canal side is 6 foot 2 inches. Not sure how much higher they would like it. Have a feeling this isn't the fence he means really - but still.

I am also slightly confused by the request to categorise the 'type' of play that goes on in the garden and somewhat affronted by the suggestion that our garden has 'weaknesses' that need compensating.

I have been battling with a virus for the last 3 weeks and feeling washed out and weary. The thought of producing another document fills me with an overwhelming sense of apathy. Ever been on one of those walks where you're trudging up a hill and the view is not great, because what you can mainly see is the hill, but you can see the top just a few yards in front of you. Except that when you get to the top, it's not actually the top at all. It just looked as if it might be. There is a hill like that on the first leg of the West Highland Way where the whole 'false summit' thing happens about six times. This feels a bit like that really.

But. I shall take a deep breath and write something suitable about local play parks and the types of play engaged in by children in our garden. Types of play??? Any ideas? Does 'running about in a having-fun-sort-of-way' count as a 'type of play' do you think??

Waiting to hear...about the fence

2010-06-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

We are still waiting to hear the verdict of Mr Chief Manager regarding our garden. And whether the dangers of sharing it with the neighbours must be eliminated before we could be entrusted with children. He was going to get back to us a week ago.

In the meantime, a friend put an enquiry about shared gardens on an adoption association discussion board. Someone replied and said that they share a garden and it was never even raised as an issue when they were being assessed. I have copied and pasted this information into an email for the manager today, which also served to remind him that we haven't heard anything.

In the meantime, Bohemian Rhapsody - as it always should have been...

To bake or not to bake...

2010-06-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

..that is the question.

Church Without Walls is not meeting tomorrow afternoon in our usual churchy sort of way. Instead, we are helping out at a community event. We're running the cafe part, serving tea, coffee and cake.

Usually, I'm good for a couple of home made cakes. This week, however, I have been fighting off a medley of viruses and infections. So am feeling somewhat weary.

So do I bake, or do we just sell the shop bought ones we have?

How lovely to have a life so uncomplicated at this moment and so free of trouble that the only decision to make is whether to bake cakes or not!

Doughnuts

2010-05-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

I made doughnuts yesterday to take to church. I usually take cake of some kind, and we hadn't got loads of stuff in the house, but I reckoned we'd probably got doughnut ingredients, so got a recipe online. Then Andy came and joined me and got excited about the idea of injecting jam into them.

Andy found a syringe but we discovered that jam with fruit in it just clogged it up. Custard, however, was perfect. Hey presto, custard doughnuts for church!

Late night musings

2010-05-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a funny week. I've been fighting a cold all week, and have felt horribly ill for most of it. Managed to get really stressed out last week about the assessment process, and this ridiculous ongoing saga of the alleged unsuitability of our garden. Which is what has contributed to the complete collapse of my immune system (OK - I exaggerate) this week and turned me into a mucus producing, washed out mess.

For anyone new to the saga, we have a lovely big garden which we share with our neighbours. According to our social services department, this poses a huge risk to any potential adopted children and the only way they can currently see of managing this risk is for us to put a fence up. We are now waiting for the verdict of the social services manager, who came to look at the situation earlier this week.

It all feels a bit odd really. By the end of our meeting on Wednesday, I was feeling very sure that the manager who visited was not going to budge on the issue of the fence. And feeling really low about the whole thing. Desperately sad about probably being pushed into dividing up our shared garden.

Since them, I've gathered more information and advice, and written him a somewhat lengthy email which makes it very clear that two different advisors from the best respected adoption organisation in the country would not feel we needed to separate our garden from the neighbours.

I would hate to have to put a fence up. It probably sounds a bit petty really. But the thing is, we love our garden. We burnt the fence on the barbeque, sat in our neighbour's garden, several years ago. And then set about creating a shared space. The result has been an absolute joy. We've had loads of parties in the garden. Lots of children have enjoyed playing in it. The thought of ending the thing we worked so hard to create, saddens me greatly. I hate the idea that our kids would miss out on the garden which has brought so much joy to so many other children (we actually only 'own' a very small portion of the garden - the rest belongs to the neighbour who so kindly shares it with us).

The really frustrating thing is that there is no good reason to put up a fence. We've had advice from independent experts saying that it's not necessary. And we've suggested very workable ways of dealing the potential 'risk'. So if they do decide that they don't want to continue with our assessment in the absence of a fence, it will be in the face of a great deal of evidence and common sense.

From an objective point of view, they really should be expected to come back to us and say they are happy for us to continue with our current arrangement. My experience over the last 2.5 years, however, has been that whenever social services have decided something, they have been completely and utterly immoveable.

So we're waiting. Hoping that for the first time in this process someone changes their mind and adopts a more enlightened approach. And hoping not to be shopping for fences this time next week.

Conversations with BAAF and my Mum

2010-05-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

It's great to talk - as British Telecom used to say in their adverts. A couple of sane conversations have helped put me back on an even keel. Hooray!

BAAF, the British Association for Adoption and Fostering would be regarded as The Oracle on all matters adoption related in the UK. They provide advice and consultancy to parents and professionals alike and provided me with a sensible conversation this morning. The advisor I spoke to couldn't understand why the social work team are seeing our garden as such a problem. She thinks they are making a mountain out of a molehill. I told her all the things we've suggested to manage the shared garden and her response was:

If you've given them those particular solutions, I can't see why they're being so sticky about it. It seems very odd.

She evidently felt that it was the social workers, and not us, who were being unreasonable. I know we knew that already, but there is nothing like hearing from an expert to make you feel better.

The second sanity breathing conversation was with my Mum. Though she experiences similar infuriating interactions with social services, trying to get services for my sister, who has learning difficulties. It makes me very cross that the people who should be relieving the burden and making her feel helped and supported are a major added cause of stress in the already challenging role of looking after my sister.

I have emailed the manager who visited yesterday with the fairly blunt views of the BAAF advisor to aid him in his deliberations about our garden. We shall see what he comes back with...

Sitting on the fence....

2010-05-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we had The Social Work Manager round today. To see the garden for himself and to discuss the matter of the fence with us in person. I'm not sure 'discuss' is quite the right verb in this context, but still.

The SWM looked at the garden in the way a loss adjuster looks at your car before declaring it a write off, and said things like "well, it's a lot more open plan than I thought it would be," and "this is really designed for adults, this garden, if I'm honest. It's not really a children's garden."

I spoke about all the ways in which we could manage the "risks" of sharing a garden. And to be honest, I could tell it was falling on deaf ears. He's gone away to think about it. But I know that they are most likely to say that we can't proceed if we don't put a fence up.

I feel utterly powerless. If we had kids, and for their wellbeing we needed to put a fence up, we'd do it. Of course we would. But this isn't going to benefit anybody at all. Quite the opposite. But there doesn't seem to be any way of having a logical, reasonable, conversation with them about it. It's about making social services feel more comfortably about their box-ticking exercise.

I feel angry, upset and powerless.

The saga of the fence continues...

2010-05-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we are to be graced with the presence of the social worker's manager's manager to discuss the matter of the fence. They've seen our risk assessment. I am guessing that it wouldn't take a personal visit from a senior manager to tell us it was fine.

Good to know that the time and resources of our public institutions is being put to good use.

Thought you might like these fence quotes:

“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.”
Robert Frost

“The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out.”
JRR Tolkein

Social workers, friendship and brandy

2010-05-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

Our meeting with Chris, the social worker, went about as well as we could have expected this morning. Andy and I were both tired today. I was up until late finishing off my 'Garden Risk Assessment'. So by this morning, I had 'papers prepared' for our meeting. A set for each of us. Risk assessment, financial assessment, eco-map of friends and relatives, information about facilities for children in the local area. The only minor blot on my 'Oh so organised' image management strategy was the fact that I ran out of white paper, so some of it was printed on lurid blue.

Chris seems to have survived her phone call with Andy last night. Though she did look a bit stressed at times. We put our case for fencelessness quite eloquently I think. I always like to think I'm being calm and collected on these occasions, but have a suspicion that my passion leaks out and the calm, collected, professional veneer probably fools no one. Andy and I don't really do inscrutable.

Chris has agreed to take the risk assessment away and show it to her managers. She says she'll get back to us. All we can do now is wait and hope for an outbreak of sanity.

We spent most of the session going through the other stuff. I did steer the meeting a bit. Determined not to let the assessment get hijacked by the fence, I was heard to say things like "If you'd like to refer to the second set of papers" and "Shall we start with the financial assessment, which you'll find on the first page..."

Cringe.

We spent two and half hours with her. Saw M from next door in the garden. When he heard we'd spent 2 1/2 hours with the social worker, his question was "Brandy or scotch?" Oh, the joys of self employment!! Andy went back to work. I had a little brandy next door with M, and a chat. Oh the joy and gift of friendship!

Thought those of you who have been following our garden saga would like to see the offending article:

This is in case passing helicopters wonder what religion we are:

This is the bit that we would be left with post erection of a fence:

Shared garden risk assessment

2010-05-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

I have now written a risk assessment in preparation for our meeting tomorrow. Hoping it does the trick.

I am posting said risk assessment here for the benefit of the bored and the insomniac. Oh, and Jill.

Wish us luck. Or pray. Whichever is your wont...

Risk Assessment – Shared Garden

Introduction

The garden area of 11 **** Road, home of prospective adopters Catherine and Andrew Cowell, shares a garden space with number 10 **** Road. This situation, whilst posing a small amount of risk, provides considerable benefits to any children who may be placed here.

There are real drawbacks to taking an overly cautious approach to this matter and considerable advantages to the current arrangement. The purpose of this document, therefore, is firstly to outline those risks benefits and secondly to propose control measures to effectively manage those risks.

Utilising shared open space is a normal and desirable part of growing up. Access to parks, playgrounds and the countryside are some examples. Moreover, shared garden arrangements are not unusual. Families who live in flats, for example, have access only to shared outside space. There are many parts of the world where private outside space would be considered an unimaginable luxury. Catherine grew up in a home with a shared garden and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

It is important to note that even if there was a fence in place, the outside space of this row of houses is not entirely private, as there is a right of way through the gardens in order to facilitate entrance to the gardens from outside.

This document is written following conversations both with Pat Arthur, social work manager, an advisor from the British Association of Adoption and Fostering and our neighbours, M*** and L***.

Benefits of shared garden area

· More than 75% of the garden area currently available to number 11 Earls Road, actually belongs to number 10 Earls Road. The current arrangement therefore provides a large, outside play area which would not otherwise be available.

· The neighbours, at number 10, are a key part of Catherine and Andrew’s support network. The shared garden provides lots of informal opportunities for socialising, chatting and accessing support that would not happen were the garden areas to be private.

· A shared garden provides opportunities for socialising with both children and adults which would not otherwise be available.

· The community atmosphere engendered is very positive and a considerable enhancement to quality of life.

Drawbacks to putting up a fence

· The loss of most of the currently available outside space.

· The loss of the informal support and neighbourly contact that currently occurs.

· The loss of a sense of shared community.

· The danger of alienating our neighbours at a time when a strong support network is most important.

Risks

· Health and safety of the area is not under the sole control of Catherine and Andy.

· Possible unsupervised contact between adopted children and adults who have not undergone CRB checks.

· It is not possible to control who visits number 10 and uses the garden. This poses the potential risk of contact with adults who are not known to Catherine and Andy.

· There may be risks posed by the adopted children, to other children playing in the garden area.

Control Measures

The first, and most important control measure, is simply the recognition by all concerned that the garden area is not, and cannot be treated as if it were, a solely private outdoor space. Alongside that, is the understanding that any children placed are potentially vulnerable and may engage in behaviour that puts them or others at risk.

Potential practical measures to control the risk are as follows:

· It is strongly suggested that L*** and M*** undergo CRB checks. L*** has already done this in order to facilitate voluntary work at a local high school. Both are willing to undergo CRB checks should this be appropriate.

· Before allowing access to the garden, parents will check the area to ensure that it is safe, and no physical hazards have appeared since last time.

· Parents will check whether the neighbours are at home and therefore potentially using the garden, before children go out to play.

· Assuming that the neighbours have undergone CRB checks, parents will monitor who is in the garden. If the neighbours are there with visitors, parents will either sit in the garden with the children or ensure that they have a clear view of what is happening in the garden from the house.

· The neighbours have been made aware of the issues with which an adopted child may present, in order to enable them to keep their grandchildren safe.

Things not to say the social worker number 73....

2010-05-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

Andy and I have had a running joke ever since we began this ridiculous process. He doesn't really do politically correct. And every time he's said something that wouldn't go down well (such as "I like children, but I couldn't eat a whole one") I've said "Things not to say to the social worker number 27" or words to that effect.

I have a feeling that Andy has just said "Things not to say to the social worker" numbers 1 to 73. He rang earlier to say that he's had a row with the social worker.

My conversation with the social manager seems to have been misconstrued or ignored. So Chris rang to ask if we've decided whether or not to put a fence up yet. She wasn't going to come if we hadn't made our minds up.

Andy told her exactly what he thought. Beginning with "The fence is not going up and that's the end of it," and touring through "Your service is small minded and flow-chart driven." Those are the bits he's told me about.

Oh ***?>!*

An update on the fence situation

2010-05-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Following the fence related missive from social services, I spoke to the manager of the department, to ask what risks they are trying to avoid by getting us to put up a fence and to make her aware of the possible down side of this.

She admitted that they have never encountered this issue before, and therefore don't really know how to deal with it. They are worried that we can't control who visits the neighbours.

By the end of the conversation, she had agreed that it will be acceptable for us to come up with an alternative plan to putting up a fence, so long as we can present something credible to the adoption panel.

Sounds like quite a lot of work over something that shouldn't really be an issue. But still. I was quite proud of myself for remaining professional and constructive when, to be honest, that wasn't really how I was feeling.

Not enough fences....

2010-05-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

We had another missive today from Social Services. An envelope from Social Services is not generally a harbinger of joy. This was no exception. My positive feelings after our house inspection were misplaced. The problem? We share a garden with our neighbours.

Our social worker would hate this to be an issue when we go to panel, so is there any way we could re-instate the fence.

Well, we could. Of course we could. But I don't actually think our children would come to any harm from sharing a garden with the neighbours. In fact, given that most of the land belongs to the neighbours and not us, they would gain a very large garden to play in (well, large by UK standards) whereas if there was a fence up, there would only be a very small patioed area. Not ideal at all.

Drafting a letter and hoping that common sense will prevail. What do you think the chances of that are??

The form

2010-05-07T11:34:00.001-07:00

Questions questions questions questions questions....

I have been writing answers to these questions for ages. And the list doesn't seem to be getting any shorter.

Think I might give this up and go and paint the Forth Bridge...

Andy's birthday BBQ and Eco-maps..

2010-05-02T03:28:00.000-07:00

We had a lovely barbeque for Andy's 46th birthday. My friend Marney 'twitters' in Haiku. Here is her succinct description of the occasion:

Birthday barbecue./Well toasted friendship./Delicious conversation!

I am now avoiding cleaning up the devastation caused by this highlight in the social calendar by blogging. Andy is avoiding it by sleeping...

So. Eco Maps.

For the uninitiated, an 'eco-map' is a diagram created by potential adoptive parents, detailing the local and social resources available once the child / children arrive and the sanity of the parents begins to depart. Some would say that embarking on this process in the first place proves that it packed its bags and left long ago. But let's not go there...

Anyway. This map is supposed to include things like local amenities such as parks, play groups, swimming pools. And a description of our social network and the support we can expect to get from it. We need to produce this at our next meeting with the social worker in two and half weeks time.

My initial thoughts were that it is probably not possible to say exactly what sort of support we will get from people until it actually happens. Neither will we know exactly what sort of support we want. In the end, we will need to create our support network as we go along. I also don't feel terribly comfortable about asking people what help, if any, they intend to provide when we have kids. However, we have to produce this thing and I'm guessing it's not a great idea just to make it up.

With that in mind, I made the decision to actually ask our friends what they thought. The first person I asked took my seriously and was just fantastic. She is prepared, she says, to be available to come round for an hour in crisis moments and provide support and help us calm things down. Perhaps look after one child whilst we deal with crisis with another.

Brilliant! Not only will that look excellent on our eco-map, but, more importantly, it will be incredibly helpful to know that she's prepared to do that.

Emboldened by this conversation, I asked our dear friends gathered round the barbeque.

"Are you allowed to say that people will pray for you?"

"We've got loads of kids videos you can have."

Not quite what I was hoping for the form, but still...not bad...

"We'll be at hand to tell you 'we told you so' "

"...and 'We did warn you...'"

"Best of all, because we don't have any kids, we'll be able to give you advice."

"And tell you where you're going wrong..."

Oh well. Maybe at a party with beer was not the best moment to pick. Never mind. I think there's a park round the corner.

The fish

2010-04-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

After my comments about Andy's home made bait, I thought I should show you some pictures of his last fishing trip. He has been wanting to catch a cat fish for some time. He managed it last week. This has inspired much more fishing and the making of bait.

I think you'll agree, this was quite a large fish!

Assessment schedule is booked!

2010-04-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

Chris, our lovely new social worker (yes, that is the words 'lovely' and 'social worker' in the same sentence) came round last night for her first assessment visit. She has also given our house the once over and declared it fit for human habitation. Not sure if she'd have said the same if she'd been there an hour later. Andy was making fishing bait. Which requires the mixing of many noxious substances allegedly attractive to fish, rolling it into balls and then boiling, microwaving or baking them. He is very proud of his little round fishy oeur d'oeuvres. Our house smelt like a cross between the back yard of a fishmongers, a tackle shop and a slightly stagnant pond.

She particularly liked our prayer wall...

...and promises to write on it before we finish the process.

We also now have a schedule for the rest of our assessment visits. She was intending to visit once a fortnight, but we've managed to negotiate mainly weekly appointments. The 6th and final one being the 1st July. We're next seeing her in 3 weeks time and have lots of work to do in the mean time. An eco-map and a financial assessment amongst other thngs.

It all feels very exciting. Went for coffee with a good friend (who is one of our adoption referees) afterwards while Andy made bait. Delightful evening.

Tidying up

2010-04-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

We've just spent 2 hours this evening getting rid of the worst of the mess from our 'homely but chaotic' house in preparation for the visit of the social worker on Wednesday.

The sad fact is that our home looks less tidy after we've finished cleaning than some people's do before they start. Ah well. At least we won't seem anal and uptight and overly organised!!!

Questions, questions, questions.....

2010-04-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

Our social worker has forwarded us a copy of the form she will complete during our assessment, along with the questions that go with it. Not as extensive or as detailed as I expected, to be honest. Nowhere does it ask how often we cut our toenails, what our views are about Free Form Jazz music or whether we've been to Guildford.

Here's what it does ask - eliminating the several pages that don't apply to us (and yes I have cut and paste this from another document - I didn't sit and type it out. And no you won't want to read all of it, unless you're really bored, or out of a kind of morbid fascination):

Family of origin, including siblings and other significant family members

Where was the applicant born and raised?
How would you describe the relationship you had with each of your parents. Who were you closest to and why?
Describe your relationship with your siblings when you were a child
What are your memories of birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions?
What type of holidays did you have?
Were there any unhappy times or memories for your childhood?
Describe your overall experiences of childhood i.e. pre-adolescence?
Do you have any significant memories of being a teenager?
Was this a time of experimenting with alcohol, drugs, tobacco etc?
Have there been any significant events in your adult life?
What has been the biggest disappointment in your life to date?
What has given you the most satisfaction in your life to date ?
How have your experiences as a child shaped the person you are today?
Describe your overall experiences of being parented.
Did you receive care from any other adults or family members as a child? Was this of significance?

Identity (personal, class, racial and ethnic, gender, sexual, cultural, language and spiritual). This should also include the applicant’s attitudes and experiences of diversity.
What do you think are some of the components that make up our own sense of identity or describe who we are
Did religion play any part in your growing up
Was your culture reflected in your upbringing or in your life now
How would you describe your own identity in terms of gender, language, ethnicity, class, culture, sexuality and spirituality
What is the ethnic mix in your locality
Does your lifestyle reflect the fact that we live in a multiracial/ multicultural society ( i.e. food, music, friends, art/ornaments)
Have you ever experienced any prejudice or bullying
What contact do you have, or have had, with people of different ethnicities, people with disabilities or those who are of gay or lesbian sexuality
Were you raised in a family who were tolerant of others because they were different in some way
How will you raise your own children to be tolerant of others? Give examples of any issues you have discussed with them (there may be examples of issues raised on TV etc.)

Attitudes
How do you view Britain today in terms of mix of different racial and cultural groups that exist
Where do you stand on the issues of the day (e.g. girls and women wearing full face veils/ levels of immigration from Eastern Europe)
Can you give some examples of reasons why people might be discriminated against in society

Education
Which schools did you attend
What was your experience of junior/secondary school
What was the attitude of your parents towards your education
What qualifications did you gain
What was your experience of further/higher education
Have you gained any qualifications/ skills as an adult
What is your attitude to education now as a parent/ potential adoptive parent

Employment
Give details of your experience of work from leaving school to the present day
(pay particular attention to work involving children or caring)
Have you had experience of working as part of a team
Are there issues of confidentiality involved in their work
What was your parents attitude to work
How important to you is work
What ambitions/plans do you have for the future with regard to work
How will work fit in with adoption, what plans do you have for taking adoption leave and returning to work?

Health (including physical and mental health and emotional well being)
Do you now, or have you in the past, suffered from any significant illness of a physical or mental basis
If so please give details and any ways this may affect your ability to care for a child
Do you feel you are a strong person emotionally
What efforts do you make to try to maintain a good level of health

Leisure and recreational interests

What interests or hobbies do you enjoy
Why are they important to you
When do you do them
With whom
How much time is involved
How would adopting a child fit in with these hobbies/ interests
Do you have any specific skills or talents

How flexible are they in terms of fitting hobbies or interests around children placed for adoption
What interests /talents could they share with children
Are their hobbies/ interests linked to their support networks i.e. clubs, church etc
Do the applicants recognise the importance of having some “me” time

Personality and Physical Description

How would you describe yourself
What do you feel are your strengths and weaknesses
Would you describe yourself as an organised, reliable and dependable person
Can you give some examples of the above
How might others describe you
If you have a partner do you have similar or complimentary qualities

Physical description
Height, colouring and build

Current Adult relationship (that are the basis of the household (by marriage, civil partnership, cohabitation)

How, where , when did you meet
How did the relationship develop
What do you feel makes the relationship successful
Would you describe the relationship as open, where you each have lots of individual outside interests and friends or more closed, where you are more reliant on each other.
What qualities does each bring to the relationship
Are there specific / gender roles within the relationship
How do you make decisions
How do you deal with problems, disagreements, stress and anger
How do you celebrate success
How do you support each other
How do you show affection
What do you see as the strengths of the relationship
What are the vulnerable areas
How would you describe your partner
What are their strengths / weaknesses
Have you thought about how adoption will affect your relationship
If applicant is single, is he/ she looking for a relationship, or if one develops how would this progress alongside adoption

Social and support network including their integration into the local community
include ecomap
Complete a support network eco-map – include the following for each entry – name and relationship to applicant, ethnicity, where they live and frequency of contact, nature of support offered now and what role they might play with a child placed for adoption (do they have any skills or experience that could be of benefit)

Also include details of any groups, clubs to whom the applicant belongs and which could provide support.

Would any of these people be very involved with the care of any child placed ( do they need a risk assessment)
Who do feel closest to and why, ( if this is your partner, who would be next outside of that relationship)
For single applicants, what would happen if you were unable to care for a child placed for any reason
Can you recall a recent stressful incident/ issue, who did you confide in and why. How was the matter resolved
Who do you share all your problems with others? give examples of things about which you might seek advice from others
What is your understanding of confidentiality and how do you practice this amongst family, friends and neighbours
Why do you think maintaining confidentiality is important regarding children placed with you
How would you ensure a child remains safe from physical and sexual abuse in your network of family, friends and acquaintances and that they , in turn remain safe from all allegations
What support do you expect to receive when adopting a child and from whom
How would you set about establishing a positive working relationship with all people involved with adoption of a child
Are you aware of the importance of practicing safer caring and what might happen if an allegation is made against you
Can you think of how or why an allegation might be made against you
Are you aware that you can make a complaint or compliment on behalf of yourself or any child placed with you regarding the service you or they receive

Accommodation (including an evaluation of its safety and suitability for children) 22
Can you describe your accommodation and garden
How long have you lived here
Is it privately owned or rented
If rented, how secure is the tenancy and is the landlord aware of your plans to have children placed with you.
Is it suitable for children
Are there any alterations you would need to make
Have you any plans to renovate or alter the property in any way
Have you any plans to move house in the future, If so where and when

Financial circumstances

How would you describe your current financial situation
Do you have any mortgage arrears or debts that could jeopardise the security on your home
Is you present accommodation position secure financially
What is your general attitude to money
How do you manage your finances
Will adoption change your employment situation and if so what financial adjustments will you need to make
Will you receive paid adoption leave and if not how will you manage financially.
How much adoption leave do you intend to take
Do you have any plans over the next few years to make any major changes such as change employment, or move house
How might you encourage a child placed with you to consider managing their money and save

Access to and use of key local services relevant to family life
Describe the town, village or area that you live in
What resources and amenities does it have that would benefit children ( i.e. schools, health, leisure)
If any of these are not within your own community, where can they be found
Are there any known risks or dangers in the local community
In what way have you been involved in, or contributed to, your local community

Neighbourhood and community and its suitability for children
Describe your neighbourhood
In what ways is it suitable for children
Are there any potential risks or dangers for children

Becoming adopter/s – the assessment of adoptive parenting capacity

What is the Motivation for and the pathway the applicants have taken towards applying to adopt. Include issues re infertility

How long have you been thinking about adoption
What was the starting point
If the issues are infertility have these been followed through to as far as the applicants wish to go or are they still considering treatments
Describe your efforts to have a family including fertility treatment
If you have chosen not to have any treatment please give reasons
If you have chosen not to have a birth child please give reasons for this
Are they aware they will be asked to consider the use of contraception whilst going through this process
Why do you feel you would make a good adoptive parent
How did you find out about this adoption agency and why did you choose them
Are they aware that adoption is about meeting the needs of children
What are you hoping adoption will give you

What is the applicant/s understanding and expectations about children and lifelong nature and impact of adoption? Is this based on knowledge, information or experience?
What age group of children do you feel you might be best suited to and why
What do you think might be the difference between being a parent and being an adoptive parent
Do you have any knowledge or experience of children who have been or who being looked after
Do you understand how physical or mental health issues can play a part in children needing to be adopted
How might you expect a child to react to being separated from their parents or carers
Some children have not had a good experience of attachment to their parents or carers, how might this affect them
Do applicants understand that some children are “stuck” in their development and may act or present younger than their actual age
How might you communicate with very young children or those who function below their chronological age
How might you expect a child who has been abused in the past to behave
If a child placed with you started to tell you about some abuse that had happened to them in the past, what would you do
What behaviours might you encounter and how can you help such children
How might you encourage a child to join in play and activities
How do you see your role in helping children to attend school
How could you help a child who had no school place or who had been excluded
How could you help a child build up their self esteem and make them more resilient
How might you manage the differing needs if you had more than one child placed
How can you help a child preserve their memories
How important is it for a child to know their adopted and to know their” story”
Do you expect any conflict between a birth child and a child placed with you for adoption, if so, how will this be managed
What are likely to be your preferred methods of discipline ,i.e. are you aware of the possible repercussions of sending a child, who may have been abused, to their bedroom
If you have your own birth children how would you ensure your own child’s needs were also me
Do you know any other adopters or adopted children
What consideration have the applicant’s given to their post adoption support needs both now and in the future

What experiences of caring for children have prepared the applicant/s to become an adopter? In what ways are those experiences indicative of how they might parent an adopted child?
What experience do you have of children, both your own and other people’s
What does being a parent mean to you
Thinking of your own experience of being parented, what have you changed and what have you kept the same in being a parent yourself
What is your understanding of normal child development
In what ways do you communicate with children
Can you give examples of how you have treated children as individuals
How do you manage children’s behaviour
What are your views on corporal punishment
What methods of discipline would use
How do you encourage positive behaviour
Why are play, hobbies and activities important for children
How do you keep your children safe
If your child wanted to do something you considered to be risky or dangerous, how would you deal with this
What techniques do you use for discussions/ negotiations with teenagers
Have you discussed issues such as drugs and sexual health with your children
How do you encourage children to make decisions and learn from mistakes
Can you think of any times when you have helped your children cope with big changes in their lives and how you did this
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to education
What do you see as the role of parents with regard to health
If you are a parent how did you adjust to becoming a parent
What do you think have been your biggest rewards as a parent
Do you feel your children confide in you? Can you give an example
What do you think have been your biggest challenges as a parent and how have you dealt with these
What do you see as your strengths and vulnerabilities as a parent
What has been your experience of contact with other organisations involved with your children ( i.e. G.P, School etc)

What views and plans do the applicant/s have about promoting the child’s cultural heritage and religious beliefs?

What do you understand by the term a person’s identity
Why is it important to care for a child in a way that maintains a positive sense of identity
Would you consider caring for a child whose religion, culture, racial origin were different from your own, or who had a disability
How would you help a child develop a positive view of Britain as a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Do you consider Britain to be a multiracial/ multicultural society?
Does the area you live in have a diverse population
Are you able to promote differing religious views and worship
Would you be able to support your child if they were uncertain of their sexuality or were gay or lesbian
Would this present any difficulties to you or other members of your family
Are there any extended members of your family who are lesbian or gay
How would you help a child deal with discrimination or prejudice of any kind
Do you understand that some children may come from backgrounds where their birth families may not be tolerant of others and that they may have absorbed those opinions

What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s life following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this?
Describe the routine during the week in your household
How does the weekend routine differ
Who does what in the family and are gender roles important
What are the written or unwritten “rules” that exist in the family
What is your attitude to food (healthy v convenient/ fast food)
What leisure activities do family members enjoy both individually and as a family
Do you have a computer and access to the internet, will this be monitored
What role do religious and cultural practices play in your lives
What are the special occasions celebrated in your family and how are they celebrated
How are decisions made/ individuals needs met re leisure
What kind of holidays do you enjoy
How is affection displayed in your family
How do you deal with people’s feelings in your family
What is your attitude to personal space
If you have birth children do you encourage discussion, can you give examples
What are the anticipated changes in the applicant’s lifestyle following the placement of a child/ren and what plans do they have to address this.

What contribution are the applicant’s wider family and support network expected to make to the family if a child/ren is placed for adoption?
How will a child be welcomed into the wider family and support network?
Has the wider family and support network been involved in any preparation for adoption
How will a child be accepted into your family and circle of friends
Will any of them be involved in the day to day care of a child if and when you have to return to work
How do you envisage introducing your family and friends to any child placed?

What is the applicant’s view or expectations about the characteristics, ages or number of child/ren that they hope to adopt?
Background factors

What do the applicant’s feel about the impact of heredity on a child’s present and future functioning
Can they accept a child where little is known about either birth parent
What is their attitude to telling/sharing information with an adopted child about their origins
Is there any information the applicants would find difficult to tell and what would be the agency’s role in this case

Child as he/she is;

What is the applicant’s understanding of the effects of separation, loss and poor attachments upon children?
What is the applicant’s understanding of the possible behavioural difficulties children may display and the reasons for this?
Which behaviours would they find most difficult
(delayed or excessive affection, sleep problems, eating problems, rivalry, bullying, wetting, soiling, smearing, aggression, destructiveness, cruelty to animals)

Identity issues

What importance do the applicants attach to the child retaining its first name as given at birth?
Will cultural/religious considerations impact on this in any way?
Are they aware of the particular vulnerability of children who are perceived as different
Do they understand the impact of adoption on a child’s self image
Will the applicant’s be able to support a young person in their search for information (access to birth records)
(if appropriate – do they understand that some black/minority ethnic children will have a negative black self image and some will wish to deny their black identity altogether) How do they envisage tackling this problem
Do they appreciate the rejection/ pain they may face from a child/ young person in this situation

Sexual abuse

Can the applicant’s care for a child who may have been sexually abused
Can they care for a child who may display sexualised behaviour to adults and/or children?
Could they care for a child born from incest or rape?
How would they ensure appropriate sex education
How would they support a young person’s questioning their own sexuality or who was lesbian or gay
How might they cope with adolescence and experimentation i.e. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, sex
Do they feel there will be areas they will struggle with

Health Issues

Can the applicants care for a child with a specific medical need i.e. asthma, eczema, diabetes etc?
Can they care for a child with an unknown or unclear medical prognosis
Can they care for a child who has a high risk of developing a life threatening infection/ condition, inherited condition or a child with a limited life expectancy
What is their understanding of and capacity to deal with the implications of health issues for the child who might be placed with them i.e. uncertainty of future development, acceptance, bereavement, confidentiality

Physical impairment / learning difficulties

Please define more clearly the level of difficulties you would be able to manage.
Can the applicants care for a child with a physical impairment i.e. visual/blind, hearing/deaf, facial disfigurement, speech & language problems
Could they care for a child with physical or mobility difficulties
Is their accommodation suitable, what experience do they have in this area
Are there local resources for therapy, respite care
Can they care for a child with learning difficulties ( define the level they feel they could cope with)
Could they consider a child with any of the following
Autism, Down’s syndrome, Aspergers Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Foetal Alcohol symptoms
Is there an expectation the child will eventually lead an independent life.
Do the applicants have an understanding of the emotional and sexual needs of a young person with a physical impairment or learning difficulty?

Other Issues to be considered.

Can you consider a child/ren?

With a need for special educational provision
Where likely development progress is uncertain.
Who may have been physically abused
Who has been subject to neglect
Who has been abandoned
Who have been subjected to emotional abuse
Who is unlikely to make relationships easily
Who has difficulty bonding with adults and/ or
Who may develop overt behavioural difficulties
Who needs to be in control and rejects boundaries
Who has been relinquished for adoption and parents are still living together

Birth Parent issues.

Can they consider a child/ren where:

Parent’s background and medical history is unknown
Both parents have a history of severe mental illness
Both parents have learning difficulties
Parents have a history of criminal convictions
Parents have misused drugs and/or alcohol
One parent has killed his/her partner
There is a history of domestic violence

Links with birth family / people from the child’s past

What is the applicants understanding of the social pressures contributing to children being “looked after”
How far do they acknowledge the importance for a child of being able to understand his/her past and maintaining positive links from their past
Will they be able to help a child make sense of their experiences with their birth parents
Will they be able to maintain a link through Post-box contact and will they continue this and not just pay lip service to it.

What age, gender and number of children are they looking to adopt and is this realistic given their home, experience and financial situation.

Are the applicants willing to consider

A child who needs to maintain face to face contact with birth family members – parents, siblings, grandparents, other family members.
Please state who they would be willing to have contact with.
Ongoing Post-box contact both now and in the future.
A child whose legal situation is complex or delayed
A child whose ethnicity is different to their own
A child whose religion is different to their own.

Have the applicant/s identified potential testamentary Guardians for their child in the event of their death?

Who would they ask to be Guardians
For joint applications have the applicants considered if their relationship were to break down what are the implications for the care of the child

An Appointment!!!

2010-04-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Wonders will never cease! I actually spoke to Chris, our social worker today. And she's coming to see us to start our assessment!!! Next Wednesday!!!!

Please excuse the excess of Excited! punctuation, but this is a considerable and momentous thing.

There is a snag. She is going to do a health and safety check on the house. Which means we need to do some tidying up. Because she will probably want to see all of the house, not just the lounge we keep orderly visitors. Ho hum...

Playing in streams

2010-04-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

Saw some good friends at the weekend. A fantastic time was had by all. Playing in streams...

Coffee with friends...

2010-04-20T05:07:00.000-07:00

This morning, I have been for coffee with a friend. On this occasion, a fellow church leader who I meet with about once a month.

I like coffee shops. I do some of my best thinking and praying in the semi-anonymity of a coffee shop. Away from the busy-ness of home, where there's always something else to do and spending time with God, or just pondering, requires resisting the temptation to switch on the computer, or just put some washing on first... Just me, my Bible, my journal and a cuppa. Refreshing, reviving, relaxing.

Equally lovely is coffee with friends. I'm not great at small talk, mind. Not very good at remembering the names of other people's children or where they were about to go on holiday. I like big talk. About dreams and visions and God and life and politics and church and society. Learning from one another. Growing together.

I heard someone say recently that 'pain is inevitable, but joy is not' I guess that could sound a bit morbid. I didn't think so. It made me think that it's worth making sure the joy happens...

We've heard from Social Services!!

2010-04-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am very easily excited.

We had a letter from the social worker who will be assessing us, (doing our 'home study') on Saturday morning. Her name is Chris. She writes:

"I am sure that you are keen to get started with your assessment.." (Where on earth did she get that idea??) "...and write to ask if you would give me a call on the above telephone number to arrange a a suitable time for me first visit.."

Andy wanted me to wait until he'd had chance to buy a bag of gravel for just outside our front door, where he had been putting his cigarette butts. I'm afraid I declined rather firmly to be delayed by the purchase of gravel.

I rang this morning. She's not in the office until Wednesday.

Oh well.

Random Visitors....

2010-03-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Our church is in the middle of town, along a sort of back street, that is busiest at night, when people are out drinking and clubbing. It's usually quite quiet in the day. Over the last week or two, we've begun to get random people dropping in. We're planning to start a sort of drop in / church thingy on a Tuesday tea time, beginning in May. We prayed about it last Sunday, and, as previously posted, ended up spending an hour with a homeless guy.

Since then, every time we've been open, someone has dropped in. Usually someone who would be an ideal candidate for our up-coming Tuesday thing, called 'Wings'. At a meeting on Tuesday, someone called Kay stuck her head round the door and told us she thought we were doing marvellous things and that God would guide us. She came in for a few minutes and talked about how God had helped her and that she's not having so much trouble with her mental health currently.

Then on Wednesday night, we were having a Nightchurch meeting. About 12 of us sitting round chatting, and a drunk bloke called Patrick asked if he could come in. So I said yes of course, and made him coffee. And he sat through most of the meeting, probably fairly bemused. At one point he went to answer a phone call, and I heard him telling the caller that he was in a church, and that we were nice and not brain-washing him. Then he came and sat down again and asked everyone to tell him what their favourite films were.

This afternoon, it was a heroin addict and his friend that came in. Andy was able to provide expert drug advice. I was able to provide coffee and cake.

Crummock Water

2010-03-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

Andy and I visited a friend in the Lake District recently, and she's just sent us some photos of our walk round Crummock Water. Just the most beautiful place...

Worship and Kebab

2010-03-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

We had a great time at church on Sunday. Tracey, from an excellent band called 'Tall Trees' came and led an evening of worship. We don't have any musicians amongst us, but Tracey comes about once a month with her guitar and her passion.

Usually at church, one tries to do a bit of everything every time. So a bit of worship, a bit of prayer, a sermon. But it occurred to me that there is no law that says one has to do everything every week. So I decided that this week we would just do sung worship (well, and tea and cake of course), with space for prayer and for people to share thoughts and readings ad hoc if they wanted to. And it was very lovely. Usually we meet from 4-6pm. But by the time we'd overrun a bit with the worship, stayed around and chatted and drunk more tea, the last of us didn't actually leave the building until quarter to eight!!

As we were leaving a homeless guy came over and began telling us his life story. So three of us went with him to the kebab shop and opened up the church again so he could have his take away in comfort with coffee. Interesting evening...

Sand painting

2010-03-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

Have regained some composure since yesterday. At peace and trusting God that our lives are in His wonderfully capable hands.

Check out the Sand Painting by the winner of 'Ukraine's got Talent'. Awesome!

Today I am pointlessly CROSS

2010-03-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

Have been ringing social services this week to find out what's happening. The first person I spoke to said 'your assessment has been put on hold until June.' When I expressed my dismay, she put me on to the manager. (Who I dislike intensely on the basis of the limited evidence of encountering her at the end of the course. When she appeared incredibly officious. And because she returned our application form to us because we filled it in and gave it to them rather than taking it home and posting it).

Pat, the manager, tells me that the delay in the assessment is not until June. It's just until the end of April. So we shouldn't expect to hear anything more until then. (They have a very small team, they are very busy. etc etc etc...)

Oh well. That's OK then.

I resisted expressing my anger and hurt about her insensitive officiousness on the course. I resisted telling her what I thought about her returning our form to us. And I refrained from telling her that all the other things her social workers have to do, and how small her team is, is not my problem. I also didn't tell her that if they DON'T WANT adoptive parents they should just *************ing well tell us so and let us get on with our lives. And I didn't say that if they stopped sending back forms we've already filled in and sending us letters to explain why they're not doing anything, they might just have time to get on with the assessment.

Despite all my restrained-ness, I still sounded cross. And I wasn't polite. Or caring. Or understanding.

Instead I told her that I assumed she was aware that we first enquired in November 2007.

She said she wasn't but that her social worker is busy with some study and with placing children during the Easter Holidays and so we'll have to wait.

I probably sounded like a selfish, pushy individual who doesn't care about the children they are working with.

In most situations I am laid back, reasonable, fairly patient and incredibly understanding of other people's points of view and perspectives. I don't swear about people on the roads whose bad driving inconveniences me and I always try and remember that the fact I've been on hold for 20 minutes doesn't make the person who answers any less entitled to my respect as a fellow human being.

But I appear to be capable of quite frightening levels of anger in response to almost any interaction we have with social services. As I say, I am pointlessly cross. Probably because I feel completely powerless. They will do what they want to do, at the speed they want to do it and no amount of discussion makes any difference to what happens. Which leaves me feeling completely dehumanised. The consequence of which is that I don't feel like treating the social worker at the end of the phone like a human being either.

Hmm.

I am reminded of the sermon on the mount. And that thing Jesus said about treating other people the way you would like to be treated. And I've made a decision. We've got the name of our social worker. I am going to write her a card to say I hope her placements go well over Easter and that we are looking forward to meeting her. And maybe. Just maybe. With the Holy Spirit's help, by the time I've posted it, the words 'best wishes' will actually mean what they say.

Loadsa stuff

2010-03-07T15:46:00.000-08:00

Sunday evening. No adoption news this week. Will ring them on Monday.

Have had a good week anyway though. Loads of church stuff going on. Nightchurch (see link on left for more info) was great on Friday. We had lots of people in, including a birthday party all dressed in 80's costumes. And a young man who is really interested in history. He wasn't a Christian as far as I could tell, but knew lots about the reformation. Offered to help out at Nightchurch and said he could do a talk on history for us if we wanted him to. Not sure that a drop in for drunk people is quite the venue for a history lecture. Might see if he would do a talk for Church Without Walls though. I think that could be really interesting.

Also working on starting a drop in / informal church for people on the streets. We've got a perfect location for it. Beginning to get a team together now, which is fantastic. Two of them came along to church this afternoon to talk about it and so we could pray for the project together.

Met a guy called Simon this week. He's a Methodist pioneer minister who has just started work in the city. Really good guy. Refreshingly thoughtful in his theology.

And on Thursday went to an evening event run by the local 'seedbed' group. An organisation that funds small projects so long as they are mission oriented, run by people from more than one church and who are not church leaders. Really about helping people with a dream to make a difference, make a difference. Everyone said something about the project they were running and how Seedbed had helped. There was someone working with prostitutes, someone who'd set up a radio station, a bloke trying to set up a long distance footpath for pilgrims and a couple of people with a mobile coffee bar amongst other things. A whole world of passion and creativity. Amazing.

Is it just me?

2010-02-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

Had a letter this morning from social services. Explaining, I use the term loosely, that they had rejected our application form and returned it to us due to us 'having handed it in at the end of the course'.

They enclosed a blank application form for us to complete and return to them.

Let's leave aside for one moment the minor technicality that we didn't receive back our rejected application form and have been under the mistaken impression that they were doing something about our application, albeit somewhat slowly.

Let's also leave aside the fact that we first completed an application form in November 2007.

Apparently our error was that we were not supposed to give them the application form at the end of the course. We were supposed to take it home, think about it, decide if we wanted to proceed and then return it in the post along with our course evaluation form.

Instead, we gave them the form immediately after the course, thinking (yes, I know it was foolish - can't think what came over us) that it might be helpful to them to know we wished to proceed, and then filled in and sent the evaluation form.

Needless to say the application form we received today is now in the post.

And another month ticks by. Another month for us and another month for some children in care.

There have been a number of points in this process, when contending with social services bureaucracy has been really painful. This morning was one of those times.

Missing Paperwork

2010-02-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

Gently encouraged by John (thank you for your comment, John - it spurred me into action), I rang the adoption agency this morning, only to discover that they have mislaid the application form which we filled in and gave to the social worker who was running our course, immediately afterwards.

Apparently they also wouldn't proceed further until we'd sent them our course evaluation forms. Which they've got. A bit picky not to move forwards without those though, in my view.

Anyway, the loss of our forms is the reason no one has been in touch for 3 weeks.

No point being cross. Life is too short. Here is a picture of the canal near our house in the snow on Sunday. Took it when I went to find some ducks to feed. I love the snow!!!

No news yet.

2010-02-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

It's now almost three weeks since we attended the adoption course. And we still haven't heard from a social worker about starting our assessment. Ho hum. All to be expected I suppose.

In the meantime, I am enjoying getting stuck into leading our little church. And when I say little, I mean little. There were 8 of us on Sunday and I was excited by the fact that we were so many!!!

We are also doing lots of work around re-branding our night time ministry, Nightchurch. Nightchurch has been running for about two and a half years now, and we have seen so many people enjoy the quiet space during their night out clubbing. Lots of people just come in for a cup of coffee. Others really want to talk, either about their lives or about faith. One guy, on Friday, came in and said he wanted someone to show him how to pray. So one of the guys sat down with him in the quiet prayer space and they prayed. Our guest apparently said "Dear God..." and then was silent for a while. When he looked up, he said, "I feel 10 stone lighter!" Isn't that fantastic?! I bet he didn't come out clubbing expecting to meet with God!

Today I've been seeing some speech therapy clients. This afternoon, I've got a list of admin jobs to be getting on with. Better stop blogging then...

Waiting well

2010-02-03T14:35:00.000-08:00

Anybody who has been anywhere near adoption, or anyone engaged in the process of adoption, will know that the process consists mainly of waiting. If you've had infertility treatment (which I didn't), you have to before you can apply. When you first ring an agency, you have to wait for a social worker to be able to come and see you. If you've been approved to be a parent, you have to wait to be matched. If you've been assessed, you have to wait for a panel meeting to be approved. And so on and so on....

Andy and I have been waiting since November 2007. We're now part way through the adoption preparation course, after which, we will be allowed to make a formal application to adopt. And then we will get assessed. And if we are thought to be fit to be parents, we will probably be waiting to be matched. And I find myself saying again, "We might have children by next Christmas!"

Although there have been excruciating moments, when the whole thing has felt really difficult, it has been OK. If someone had said to me in November 2007, that we would still be waiting to be assessed in 2010, I would have been horrified, and we might not have gone ahead at all. Interestingly though, here we are in 2010 and I am no less enthusiastic about adopting than I was back then. I'm excited about the assessment process and looking forward to all the planning and adjusting to possibly having kids that we are going to need to do.

So what's helped? Quite a few things actually. Here are some:

Focussing on the other things in our lives and not being obsessive about becoming parents.
Trusting God that He is ultimately in control of whether and when we become parents.
Going with the ebb and flow of my emotions around adoption. In the first year or so, I spent a lot of time trying to work out how I felt about it and whether I really wanted to do it. Nothing was happening, and as a defence mechanism, I pushed the whole thing to the back of my mind. Then when I realised I hadn't thought about it for a while, I felt guilty and wondered if that meant I didn't really want kids after all. That was completely pointless and quite painful at times. So I think about it when I think about it. We talk about it when we talk about it. If I haven't thought about it for weeks, I don't worry. If I'm thinking about it every day I don't worry.
Enjoying the moment! Taking things one step at a time and not thinking too far ahead.
Enjoying the occasional maternal moments when I feel emotional about seeing children and feel that pang of longing as being part of who I am. Sometimes I feel sad and that's OK. I don't have to live in that place but it's OK if I need to visit it sometimes.
Making the most of not having kids yet! We went to Africa for three months in the summer and it was fab. It would have been a great deal more complicated with kids in tow and we probably wouldn't have done it. Tomorrow night we're going out for curry and we don't need a babysitter! On Thursday, we fancied popping along to the pub and we did.

Today I'm excited and pleased that we are on this journey.

Adoption Preparation Course

2010-02-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

We did day one of our adoption preparation course today. It was interesting. Talking about all the steps still to go in the process was a bit depressing. Meeting other potential adopters was great.

Andy and I were the most vocal people there by quite a long way. Not sure that's a good thing really!!! I try and keep quiet, then I get interested and excited and want to engage in discussion. Not very British. If we'd been on a course in the U.S. I'm fairly sure we'd have blended in nicely!

CRB checks

2010-01-24T03:08:00.000-08:00

Our social worker, Barbara, came to see us on Monday evening to complete CRB checks with us. I was expecting it to be a brief meeting, but she stayed for ages and chatted. They've had most of our references back from people and she was evidently quite impressed with what people had written. "People have said how much children enjoy coming here," she told us. She was also very encouraging about the experience that we've had with children. And told us to enjoy the course. It was a really affirming meeting.

It was actually the last time we'll see Barbara in her official capacity. We get passed on to someone else for the home study after the course. We asked how long things would be likely to take from here. She says that the assessment will take around 4 months and that quite often children are identified during the assessment process. Were there sibling groups waiting for adoption in Staffordshire? we asked. "Oh yes, lots." she replied.

Oh my goodness. Whilst this process continues to be pretty unpredictable, it sounds as if we could be nearer to meeting our family than we think. While on the surface, I often find myself questioning our sanity at even considering adopting a group of kids, deep inside I'm hugging a quiet sense of joy and excitement.

Saying goodbye

2010-01-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

I said goodbye to my grandfather last Sunday. He was 93 and pretty frail. My sister rang me while we were cooking for guests, last Saturday, to say that he had become very ill and had stopped eating and drinking. So Andy and I drove down to Milton Keynes to see him on Sunday.

If I'm honest, I went because it felt like the right thing to do, rather than because I expected either myself or my grandad to get anything out of my being there. Particularly as my sister said we might not recognise him and he might not recognise us. I wasn't even convinced he was necessarily very close to death. Some of my work over the years has been with very old people and there have been plenty of times when people who were apparently about to die, were still there weeks later.

I can honestly say I have never been more glad to see someone than when I saw my grandfather last Sunday. I'm not sure whether he recognised me. He definitely knew we were there some of the time and he smiled at me several times. But I recognised him. And remembered how special he'd been to me. And how fond I was of him, particularly as a child.

A strange and poignant meeting.

Grandad died at ten past seven on Monday morning.

To my deep sadness, his funeral is a week on Monday, which is the first day of our adoption preparation course. So realistically, we won't be able to go. So last Sunday really was goodbye.

Still excited!

2010-01-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

It's just three weeks now until our preparation course.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know why I'm so excited really. It will be great to meet people in our area who are beginning the same journey. Chatting to a friend on Monday who knows a family that adopted a sibling group of 3 about 18 months ago. She says she'll see if she can arrange for us to meet. That would be great. Although I know quite a few people who have known people that have adopted, I don't know anyone first hand. Following blogs is about as close as I've got.

Plenty busy with work and stuff in the meantime.

Website

2009-12-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

I have been working with my husband on a new website for our church. It didn't take that long to develop, but it took an absolute age to get the thing on-line.

FINALLY!!! We've done it. Hooray!

It's here if you'd like a look:

Church Without Walls